Still here

On Thanksgiving, it turns out Tim had pneumonia. He limped through the holiday but the day after we went to urgent care where he received lots of pills, shots and breathing treatments. On the way home, I wrecked my car.... thank God neither of us got hurt.

I couldn't have really imagined a stupider thing to do. Since then it's been pretty low key around our house, with modified gift giving, modified decorating, muted everything. I've had to drop a lot of bucks lately and I'm tired of writing checks. Even the dog had to have surgery.

I'm just tired of lots of things. I got to feeling like whenever I blogged it was bad stuff because this has been my place to vent. But I realized that it must be depressing for everyone to read so I've stopped for a while. Whether chemicals, circumstance, hormones or what, I just don't feel like me right now. So hopefully I'll be back after Christmas with a cheerier disposition.

Merry Christmas to everyone and a Happy New Year. And 2006, you can go to hell.

have you?

Mine are in red.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins (who gets to do this? lucky, lucky me).
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love (no fun)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (doesn't everyone?)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (better with tequila)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites (if a chapel from the 1200's counts)
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight7
2. Gotten married (twice)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship (twice!)
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
99. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
100. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
101. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking (all the time)
102. Had plastic surgery
103. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
104. Wrote articles for a large publication
105. Lost over 100 pounds
106. Held someone while they were having a flashback
107. Piloted an airplane
108. Touched a stingray
109. Broken someone’s heart (hated that)
110. Helped an animal give birth
111. Won money on a T.V. game show
112. Broken a bone
113. Gone on an African photo safari
114. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
115. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
116. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
117. Ridden a horse
118. Had major surgery
119. Had a snake as a pet
120. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
121. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
122. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
123. Visited all 7 continents
124. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
125. Eaten kangaroo meat
126. Eaten sushi
127. Had your picture in the newspaper
128. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
129. Gone back to school
130. Parasailed
131. Touched a cockroach
132. Eaten fried green tomatoes
133. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
134. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read (Daphne Du Maurier)
135. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (chickens, ugh)
136. Skipped all your school reunions
137. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (Spain)
138. Been elected to public office
139. Written your own computer language
140. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream (Spain)
141. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
142. Built your own PC from parts
143. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
144. Had a booth at a street fair
145. Dyed your hair
146. Been a DJ
147. Shaved your head
148. Caused a car accident (recently, unfortunately)
149. Saved someone’s life (gave almost 2 gallons of blood)

Thanksgiving Interrupted

I was to have spent tomorrow evening making the 8 hour trek to South Dakota for Thanksgiving with my sister in law. Because it involves food, Thanksgiving is T's favorite holiday. Also there's no gift giving pressure, just the sensual aroma of bread, turkey and pie. There's football and turkey coma. There's pie with whipped cream

But for us, there's no trip to SD... there's 4 days of hoping not to get on each other's last nerve as he recovers from a particularly nasty virus we don't want to share with everyone else in the family.

So now it's my duty to make Thanksgiving as pleasant as possible for His Royal Sickness. Anyone have any ideas for traditional Thankgiving feasts for 2? Diabetic friendly, also.

cousins redux

So obviously I've been thinking a lot about family lately, certainly over the past few days. The visitation last night was surreal. I mean, it's wierd to walk in to a room full of people you really haven't seen since the last funeral and say "Hi, how are you?" "Oh, great, fine." Hell, if everybody's fine, what are we doing here?

I think the Anglo American mourning tradition could use a good dose of old world reality. What you want is weeping, howling, tearing of clothing, swearing of revenge. What there is is hushed silence, sad standing around and semi-hysterical non-death related conversation over lots and lots of cigarettes out in front of the funeral home. I wanted to grab my glassy-eyed cousins and say "SCREAM, CRY, you'll feel better". She was their sister for heaven's sake and now she's in a box with putty in her head.

There must also be a universal rule about proper casket wear: for women it's always long-sleeved and pink. I don't wear pink in life, please don't make me wear it when I die. I'm much too sallow, I'll just look like a bruised banana lying there. I am never one to buy in to the whole "Wow, she looks so good" rubbish either, when T asked me if it was open casket he said "How'd she look?" Well, she looked dead. Yeah. Dead. Still dead. Personally I want to be cremated immediately upon death and they can do the big glossy photo thing instead of the casket viewing. Or like in "Love Actually," a cool video montage with the Bay City Rollers as a soundtrack.

So another cousin inevitably floats up in conversation, this one is actually my double cousin, meaning we share both sets of grandparents... his dad is my mom's brother, his mother my dad's little sister. See? No inbreeding involved. Get your minds out of the gutter.

He, however, is a family curiosity as he was always very different (meaning kinda smart and artistic and really eccentric) and more so because he has surgically removed himself from our family, both sides, really. Except for his mom and dad. I'm sure it's been more than 20, maybe 25 years since I saw him. Now he's playing in what looks to be an up and coming bluegrass band http://blueharvestband.com/index.html. Interestingly it seems he has claimed his heritage after all, albeit from the comfortable distance between here and NYC. Genetics has obviously programmed even the unwilling to love bluegrass, the folksier the better. It's been my dirty little secret for a few years now and I profess to owning a few bluegrass cds of my own. And I took my mom to see Nickel Creek, which is sorta but almost not really bluegrass. But the mandolin was always my favorite, ever since the 80s when Bruce Hornsby recorded "Mandolin Rain", which isn't even a mandolin song. And yes, I even own a Mike Marshall/Chris Thile cd. And now I'm just babbling. Point is, the band thing is cool, and even though he lies (a lot) about his age on myspace, I hope it becomes fantastically successful. Our kinda smart and artistic and really eccentric grandfather would have been thrilled.

Cousins, cousins, its all I've thought about. Can't we get back to some normal craziness? Well, there was a strange cat stuck 30' up in my maple tree last night -- that was pretty run-of-the-mill crazy. I ran the dogs in to the garage for the night and left the back deck light on so it could work out its issues backwards, down the tree. By morning it was gone.

Goodbye Linda

A lot has happened in two months. Summer has gone away and fall has come again. I have looked down from half way up a mountain, finding that I was too weak to go all the way to the top. Tim and I celebrated 12 years together. We had a third place brisket. My cousin died.

Right. She was murdered.

Linda was shot to death for no damn good reason except she lived in a bad neighborhood and probably told off the wrong guy.

She was good at that. She and I lived very different lives but I knew that about her.

Where we were concerned, two people could not be more different. Her mother was my father's younger sister. They lived a block over from us when I was little but she and her sister and brothers were all much older than I, so we didn't hang out. My exposure to her was really just at holidays. In her teen years she was a wild child who seemed always to be coming and going, doing drugs, disappearing. She'd drop her kid off with my aunt and be gone. She lived hard. I, on the other hand, lived quietly, conservatively. I got my education and then a master's degree. I did drugs as an experiment at a party once and didn't like them so I never did them again. I married. I went to work. Lived clean. Sooner or later she was just a distant image in an old picture: 14 cousins (missing only the two not yet born) in front of the Christmas tree at our grandmother's house -- she a sort of pretty blonde teen in jeans and a plaid shirt with her arm draped around my brother's shoulders, laughing in to the camera. I am crouched near the bottom of that same photo, hair coiffed, perfect little dress, smiling absently at something off camera, feeling and looking terribly out of place.

I saw her most recently at her mother's funeral although I don't know if I even said anything to her. We hardly knew each other, really.

In life she stayed in her part of town and I stayed in mine. In death we return to the same circle. If not for the accident of parentage, she might have been just another incomplete headline of the news. But she was someone. She was. And I am sad. Because I didn't know her any better than anyone else who saw the story of another shooting on the news. Because I can cry over movies, a good book, a tv show, a sprained wrist -- but I cannot cry for Linda.

And I have 13 more cousins I don't know any better than I knew her.

ology

Grub-ology:
What is your salad dressing of choice? Blue cheese, full fat
What is your favorite fast food restauraunt? Taco Bell
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? La Bodega
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? Depends on the service
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? nothing
Name three foods you detest above all others: Liver, lima beans, hominy
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Happy Family
What are your pizza toppings of choice? the works
What do you like to put on your toast? cherry preserves or apple butter
What is our favorite type of gum? Orbit sweet mint

Tech-ology
Number of contacts in your cell phone? maybe 40
Number of contacts in your e-mail address book? same
What is your wallpaper on your computer? beach somewhere tropical
What is your screensaver on your computer? whatever the default is
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? no
How many land line phones do you have in your house? none
How many televisions are in your house? 2
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? coffee maker but DH uses it every day
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? country

Bi-ology:
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? eyes
Are you right handed or left handed? Right
Do you like your smile? yes
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Teeth, tonsils
Would you like to? fat, definitely
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? it's very peaceful in there
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? hearing
When was the last time you had a cavity? don't know
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? 40# dog food bag
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No

Misc-ology:
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? my mom's original pick, Sarah
How do you express your artistic side? writing
What color do you think you look best in? red
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? 5 minutes. I got my ass beat regularly in elementary school -- are you kidding?
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? tiny glass bottle
If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? No way, absolutely not
How often do you go to church? until a year ago twice a week, now, never
Have you ever saved someone's life? Maybe, I gave over a gallon of blood
Has someone ever saved yours? don't know

Dare-ology:
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? No. A block but not a half mile
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? yes
Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? No
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? no
Would you never blog again for $50,000? absolutely
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? no but if you'd asked me 20 years ago I might have
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? no
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? no
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? $100,000
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? yes

Survivor 13 and the possibility of closing the doors

The great thing about having a blog is that I can come here and rant about Survivor 13 and how disappointed I am in the whole "dividing by race" concept. (I still like the schoolyard pick method myself. ) Also it gives me a place to gripe about the fact that the large majority of the players are from California, which is in itself a culture as foreign to me as that of Asia or Mexico. But really, so predictable -- I can already hear the posturing. Boring, boring, boring.

The bad thing about a blog is that sometimes you're just not interesting. And at worst, you offend someone. Or you just get too busy and you can't post anymore.

I'm close to closing it down. I'm a little conflicted though. I think I would miss it if it were gone but on the other hand I just don't have that kind of time anymore and frankly, I find myself boring as hell. There are only about 4 of you who read it -- others that I've invited have declined or been hurt by what I've said, including my own spouse. That said, I'll be posting infrequently and possibly, in a month or so, I'm going to blow it up. I'll have to think about it. Maybe it's time to go back to paper, which seems so much more genteel and Emily Dickenson-like.

erosion

I wonder if growing up and growing older is just this process of erosion and you are either what is eroded away or what is left when everything else has been.

My best friends' marriages are over. The artist formerly known as Frau Lobster and hereafter referred to as Mother Nature is now a single person again -- just this last week. And on the day after, the Cat sent me an e-mail to announce the sudden death of her 12 1/2 year marriage as well.

I look at T and think "how did we survive?" I thought this time last year we were the least likely to be married in August of '06. But here is the secret -- here's what I know. We both wanted it. We loved, we hated, we scratched, fought, cried, screamed, threw things, threatened, cussed and spat but in the end the solidity of our life together was too irresistable.

He is home for me. He has learned after all these years that when I cry all I need is for him to hold me. I don't need my problem solved and I don't need a reproach. I need a pair of arms and a strong chest. He's my best friend, the first person I go to with news or a joke. He is that which I prize above all else -- steady, loyal and faithful.

As for what I am to him, I can't say. But it must be something because when I was ready to let it all go, he held on tight for both of us. I do remember one thing he said -- that I was his rock.

This thing we have is not perfect. And the sandstorms have worn down parts of what we were. But when I look around now I see that we are still standing. And I am amazed.

catch a ride on my train of thought

Does the last post seem self-serving and pathetic?

Does anyone read this any more?

Does anyone like Donna Karan's "Be Delicious" cologne? I hate it, it smells like this girl upstairs who passed out on her first day at work. I tried to help her until the ambulance came and to this day her perfume reminds me of sickness. That sounds mean, I know. Sorry. No more "Be Delicious" for me.

My mouth has tasted like soap all day. Am I getting a cosmic "washing my mouth out"? My language lately certainly justifies it.

I really want to improve my diet and start eating healthier foods that are ony one or two steps removed from their sources... fresh fruit from an orchard, for example. But I had Wendy's for lunch. Not an auspicious start.

I believe in global warming. This place is like a blast furnace -- windy and 100 degrees. Anyone have a match?

I snuck 2 smokes last week. The first was so bad I couldn't finish. The second went down without a thought. My body has old habits my brain knows nothing about.

I wish I'd paid more attention in Spanish and I really wish I had more confidence when I try to speak. And in a related note, when my Spanish-only neighbor hunted up the word "cookies" and smiled, I wanted to hug her. This second language thing is a bitch.

God, I can't wait to wash this perfume off.

Liking yourself

Frau-Lobster-until-Friday points out that I have been MIA from this blog for some time. Well, I'm still here.

I had some thoughts last week about food, fat, self-loathing and childhood. Let's see if I can sort them in to something that makes sense.

And by the way, I love our new kitchen. I'm struggling to keep it from being too fussy and old-ladylike but I'm digging it a lot. It just needs some paint and a few finishing touches.

Anyway, back to the other.

On FridayI cried during dinner. I had been ruminating on some things since, oh last Tuesday I guess. The question arose in my mind that perhaps when I was a child I didn't get the help I needed with my parents' divorce and my emotional and behavioral problems because people didn't like me. (See, just saying that makes me sound pathetic. But bear with me).

I have been around ADD kids and they can be sooooooo annoying. I mean, you want to like all kids. They're kids, right? Especially little girls. But haven't you been around kids who were loud, annoying, clingy, hyper and never did anything they were told? Not brats, just kids who really have no "off" switch. I think I was her. I think I bugged my extended family and our friends so badly that no one wanted to be around me. And I think my parents were completely absorbed in their own drama and unable to focus even a little on the 8 year old kid that was getting caught up in all the big waves. So I just had to figure it all out for myself. Although I didn't do a good job, because I'm still at it.

Without any direction on how to be a well-adjusted person when your family disintegrates, I just sort of tripped my way through adolescence and my teen years. I did grow up. And somehow I end up being this person I really don't like. I have no self esteem, I'm self-centered, I still don't have an off-switch. I can't even hear myself. I talk tooooooooo much. I mean Toooo much. I say the wrong things. I make faces I don't mean and can't even feel. I cannot tell you how many times I have been accused of hijacking meetings. Folks, these are not cute little personality quirks, they are

major flaws.

I'm hard to know and hard to like. And inside the shell I'm so nice! That's what I can't figure out!

At almost 40 (ulp) I surprise myself by sometimes being pretty smart about why I am who I am. Sometimes I can fight the tide and just shut up and be there for someone. I can sometimes hold my husband while he sobs his way through a depressive episode without chiding him for feeling bad. I can occassionally shut my mouth while someone else unburdens themselves.

I believe it is still possible to learn to be a good wife, a good friend and a smart manager. I believe the way is painful and I will make many mistakes. I also believe there is still time to rid myself of my lifelong hate/love relationship with food and my body -- the most tangible evidence of my self-loathing.

Hmmmm.

Does knowing all these things change anything? Will I be mature enought to act upon the things I've finally realized? God, I hope so.

BBQ 2 - 3

Our thrid competition and still no money but this time we managed to turn out a more than edible brisket which is pretty exciting! And we've figured out how to manage the heat on the cookers also which allows for more sleep - 4 hours for me this time but I think T was up more than in the past, too. Our brisket placed 7/17, pretty neat. The other stuff wasn't good - I couldn't do the chicken the way I wanted because they didn't allow any sauce at all and we had to do pork loin instead of Boston butt and we've never smoked pork loin before. The ribs were good but we foiled them and they seemed soggy to me.

Other sleep-losing enterprises includes the long slow path back to having an operational kitchen. The remodel went beautifully and yesterday T's brother helped us install the stove and microwave so now I have functioning appliances again. Everything looks just great although I still have a little work to do. OK, a lot.

Next competition isn't for a month so lots of recovery time and time alos for fixing up the house. Wooo. S'OK. It's too hot to do anything outside right now.

BBQ competition # 2 - from 43 Things

Don't know why this didn't copy over but here it is...

Did another competition this last weekend and fared a little better than our first attempt in June, top half in ribs and pork but still really struggling with the brisket. The heat this time of year makes things even harder but we are determined to hear our names called!

Overall improvement across the board, our scored were higher on everything and this was a tighter field with lower scores for the winners than the first time we competed. So it didn’t just get easier.

I have discovered I have no grace under pressure, my stomach and my patience both fail me. At one point I totally lost my mind and was in the bathroom sobbing. I am used to getting sleep and 3 hours of cat napping and 90 degree heat just ain’t cutting it. Not to mention that my armpits were sunburned from a float trip 2 days before. From the camping, floating and cooking I am so banged and beat up I look like I crawled out of a car wreck. As a finale, I turned my ankle on the steps leading out of our camper and fell flat on my back, all while talking on a cell phone. Life is good.

The good news: We met another team who offered to help us out and suggested we make a run at a competition this weekend out on the end of town. It’s non-sanctioned and subs pork tenderloin for pork butt but it was inexpensive (relatively) and we need the practice. And there’s $4,000 in prize money available.

Attempt # 2
Out of 30 teams, we scored:
chicken: 19
ribs: 15
pork: 13
brisket: 28

no two ways about it, our brisket sucks. But the sad part is that it didn't suck the worst. There were actually 2 briskets out there that were worse. Now that's tragic.

Don't look now...

But "No Reservations" has come back to life. It was a great idea for a blog, I don't know why I didn't keep it up better.

Well, yeah, I do, but we don't need to go there today.

Vacation was so nice, I wish I were still there. I posted to 43 things about our second BBQ competition, intending to copy it over here, but something's not working right, so I think I'll see if it shows up and if not, I'll copy it over.

In other news, they are tearing the crap out of my kitchen, even as we speak. I hope my car doesn't die soon because this kitchen renovation is taking the place in my budget a car payment might occupy. The Malibu is gong to have to last a little longer since the stove died first.

lifted from wdysgrl

1) How old do you wish you were? 19, good year
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened? Getting ready for work and I heard the WTC was on fire so I clicked on the TV right before the second plane hit -- yes, Oklahoma, me too. Wierd, eh?
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? go hunt someone down and try to get it back
4) Do you consider yourself kind? mostly
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be? I don't know what it would be or where, which is why I don't have one, I guess.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be? Spanish
7) Do you know your neighbors? I just met the new ones, she doesn't speak English very well. Her father-in-law can a little and he brought out postcards of their home town in Mexico to show. Between my crappy Spanish and their broken English we got on fine.
8)What do you consider a vacation? anything where I don't have to work. Usually camping but the perfect vacation involves the ocean.
9)Do you follow your horoscope? No
10) Would you move for the person you loved? yeah, but I'd bitch about it probably
11) Are you touchy feely? can be
12) Do you believe that opposites attract? I believe like attracts like and they generally get along a lot better in the long run.
13) Dream job? actress
14) Favorite channel(s)? Food, Speed, HBO when I'm not paying for it
15) Favorite place to go on a weekend? camping
16) Showers or Bath? shower
17) Do you paint your nails? Toenails-yes, fingernails-no1
8) Do you trust people easily? not anymore
19) What are your phobias? being made fun of
20) Do you want kids? not anymore
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal? Yes
22) Where would you rather be right now? beach
23) What makes you feel warm and safe? couch, blanket, TV
24) Heavy or light sleep? could hear a pin drop, such a drag
25) Are you paranoid? about some things
26) Are you impatient? Yes
27) Who can you relate to? Stacie, the Cat, my mom (only sometimes)
28 ) How do you feel about interracial couples? OK with me
29) Have you been burned by love? Are you kidding? Am I breathing?
30) Whats your life motto?? keep diggin'
31) What's your main ring tone on your cell? some generic, my phone with Dancing Queen got stolen.
32) What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping
33) Who was your last text message from? Stacie
34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine
35) What color shirt are you wearing? red tank, white open weave summer sweater
36) Most recent movie you watched? at the movies it was United 93
37) Name five things you have on you at all times? glasses, wedding rings, at least one pair of earrings, usually my purse and in my purse, usually a book
38.) What color are your bed sheets? cream with bue flowers
9) How much cash do you have on you right now? none, sad
40) What is your favorite part of chicken? leg
41) What's your favorite town/city? Honolulu
42) I can't wait till...the next time I go to Vegas
43) Who got you to join myspace? I delisted. It's creepy.
44) What did you have for dinner last night? Arandas Mexicanas
45) How tall are you barefoot? 5' 3 and 3/4"
46) Have you ever smoked crack? no, no, no
47) Do you own a gun? T has a shotgun
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? diet coke
49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? my boobs have already done a great job
50) Do you have A.D.D.? yep, what did you say?
51) What time did you wake up today?5:00 a.m.
52) Current worry? that the kids hate me
53) Current hate? uncut lawns and getting up early
54) Favorite place to be? beach
55) Where would you like to travel? the UK
56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? I have no idea and I don't really like to think about it. I'll just take it as it comes.
57) last thing you ate? bagel
58) What songs do you sing in the shower? I sing in the car
59) Last person that made you laugh? A couple of the guys here at work
60) Worst injury you've ever had? stitches
61) Does someone have a crush on you? no
62) What is your favorite candy? Cadbury Fruit and Nut, sour patch kids, jelly bellies

in and out

I was gonna blog, I swear it. I was gonna blog on the day I had to chase the woodchuck out from under my car. That was the day after I removed a toad from my laundry room and 2 days after I had to punch a mouse.

Now you're wondering, aren't you?

The dog caught the mouse but didn't kill it, only mortally wounded it. I was in the way back yard with flipflops and no tools, just some heavy duty work gloves. For some reason I decided to punch it real hard in the head in the hopes that it would be stunned enough that it wouldn't run off or try to bite my foot. I killed it instead. So there you go.

As for the toad, I think it snuck in the house in the dark, when I was emptying the dehumidifier in to the flower bed. And I can't explain the wood chuck. It was just there.

So I didn't blog and I haven't blogged and now I'm leaving to go camping for a week. Guess you'll have to excuse me while I take a summer break.

Until the 10th, take care.

Where you been?

Ooooh, I hate it when my blogging friends take extensive leaves of absence. And there, I just did the same.

I haven't been anywhere special, just, you know, living and working and doing what we do. Getting aligned for the next competition, puzzling over what to get for T for Father's Day and feeling generally like i want to get out and experience summer.

T doesn't know it but I signed us up for a BBQ judging class today with "Dr. Death" master judger, Ed Roith. That's what I finally settled on.

Also, he doesn't know that I'm dragging him to Theater in the Park for "Cats" which I've never seen. I think a picnic and an evening under the stars -- just getting out on a Friday night -- will be fun. And my macho husband actually likes musicals, especially if I feed him.

After 3 weekends on the road (including 2 family reunions) it will be nice to stay home, get my house clean, open up the pool, fall asleep to the drone of the race on TV on Sunday. Run around in shorts with no makeup and bare feet. Not hurry, not worry, just be.

Hope you all have a good, peaceful weekend.

from 43 Things

The Saga of BBQ2

We are no longer competition virgins.
We arrived on Friday and began prepping all our meats – 4 categories (chicken, brisket, ribs and pork butt). 2-3 hours later we finally munched down some leftover sandwiches from Mr. Goodcents and then started the charcoal chimney for the first smoker (pork butt takes the longest to cook: at an hour & half per pound this one needed over 10 hours).
Brisket went on second and by midnight we were well underway and the neighbors were well oiled. I took the first shift on smoker watch. I read through a stack of newspapers and munched on grapes and chips and tried like hell to stay awake. The second smoker was running very hot so there was some switching around at 1 a.m. —our internal temp on the brisket was already 141 degrees, not good. I almost dropped the pork butt trying to switch things around and I burned my hand on the Coleman lantern.
At 3:30 I finally collapsed exhausted: I slept for an hour and a half. At 5 a.m. Tim got up and refilled the water pans and started the ribs. I was up and down several times and got up for good at 8 for biscuits and gravy. After a long night of fighting the cookers and fending off drunks, I actually surprised myself by being in fairly good spirits. We pulled the pork, brisket, started the chicken last… in between I filled boxes with leaf lettuce for presentation.
At 11:30 we started arranging the chicken, giving everything a swipe with bbq sauce. Our first turn in was at 12, followed by ribs, pork butt and finally brisket.
After the turn-ins we spent some time cleaning up the considerable mess and at 3 we went up for the awards. Unfortunately we didn’t hear our name—at all. After taking a look at the scoring sheets, we discovered that we still have some work to do. We had problems with all our turn ins—presentation on chicken and brisket were not great. Our presentation on ribs and pork were much better. We got scores everywhere from 9s (perfect) to 3 (not very damn good). Overall we finished 37 of 43, much worse than we’d hoped. Afterwords, we took copious notes and decided to work on our recipes some more.We also went to Dairy Queen for ice cream and made a beer run, which we ended up being too tired to drink in the end. We went to bed and slept for about 9 hours. On Sunday we woke up to rain, so we packed up the camper and headed home, stoping off at Waffle House for breakfast. Sunday was our day to regroup—then back to the real world on Monday.

Next competition: Johnson County Fair, on my old home turf, Warrensburg, MO.

We DID IT! and we didn’t suck the most!

Windfall and BBQ

Do not use this logo without permission!

I've obviously waned a little on my blog .... which is sad considering it's about to celebrate it's second anniversary. Happy Birthday Yorkist Rose!

Two quick things: T and I are entered in a barbecue contest this weeknd: it will be our first. Planning for this thing has taken more strategy that the invasion of Normandy but we're finally getting there. We have taken measures to insure that we can put out a fire, sanitize, maintain appropriate temps and that T doesn't sweat on the brisket.

This is true KC culture, y'all. My friend TKAT designed us an official logo and everything. I'm having t shirts made. Very exciting.

Other thing: I won an essay contest at work. God help me, I wrote an essay called "What ESOP Means to Me." The last time I wrote an essay I was trying to get a scholarship from the DAR. This time I got $75 in Amex gift certificates. Hmmmm, what to do with this unexpected windfall???? It is my birthday in 25 days -- I might have to go to Sephora.

Dilemmas, dilemmas.

Blog entries that were never born

I've had a hundred wierd or deep thoughts over the last few weeks. That's how many opportunities I think I may have missed to post here. There's a lot going on these days but none of it seems to get blogged. So here's the reader's digest version:

• Travel - there was lots. Four trips in five weeks. Stopped now.
• Oil of Olay energy glow lotion - cool stuff. I'm not orange and I'm not white. Excellent news.
• Camping this weekend - his family reunion.
• Our first BBQ contest is next weekend - I make the chicken and T manages the rest. Hope we don't embarrass ourselves. Hope he has fun.
• LOST - wow. Did you watch that? What did you think?
• Weekend after next - 'nother family reunion, still his. Waaaay up in Nebraska, almost to SD. Anyone want to babysit my dogs?
• hot here. Hot there? Ugh. What happened to spring?
• I've got my hair somewhat under control now but I'm not going to get in to it. Let's just say I rethought the problem and came up with a solution I'm happy with.
• I'm still not smoking. Sometimes I miss it but mostly I'm ok.
• I want to see "Over the Hedge" and the "X-Men" -- no time, no time.
• Where did May go?
• I need to get back on my diet. I feel like an overfilled balloon. I've had Mexican twice this week. And I could have it again and be happy.

See? Nothing really very profound.

I had some profound thoughts but did not write them down. I need to get better about that.

Here's a fresh one from this morning:
Several times in the past few days and weeks I have made a mental note to myself, mostly regarding the passage of time. Actually, it's more like the lightbulb coming on. For instance, this morning as I was making our bed I thought about the last time the A/C was on. The last time I had the air conditioning on, our marriage was in total system failure and I was sleeping alone on a blow up mattress on the floor of a bare apartment across town. I was worrying every minute about money and the kids and my marriage and him and also myself. I was wishing I could fast forward myself 6 months and see how it ended. Well, it's been nine months now. This is my resolution and it's better than I ever could have hoped. It made T turning on the air last night seem monumental in some way, although only to me, I'm sure. Each little moment is another mile gone from where we were -- and a little closer to the new life we're making.

Well, that's probably all you'll hear from me until after the holiday. I wish everyone a great weekend!

I quit

It's been a week since I quit smoking.

I don't remember the last one I had, I know it was in Vegas. I have known for a long time that I should give them up but you know, I like smoking. Simple. I just do. But I told T and more than that, I promised myself that I would quit by my birthday and even though it's still 5 weeks away, I had one left and I got rid of it before we got on the plane. And then I decided not to buy any more.

I miss it. I didn't even smoke that much. But I know that it's the right thing to do... maybe my blood pressure will go down a little and get me out of the "pre-hypertension" category. I always thought 120/80 was good... now I guess it's not so much.

Even Mother Nature (I revert back to an old nickname for the former Frau Lobster) who has been laid up in the hospital all week has been trying to keep me on the straight and narrow. A coworker took the rental car keys when we were out of town earlier in the week, stating that "If you are going to smoke, you're going to have to walk to get them." It's been a long time since I sat in a Hampton Inn room all evening with crap on TV and no cigarettes.

Someone tell me I'll be better off. But I don't want to be one of those smug bastards who wrinkles their nose every time someone walks by with a cigarette... nor do I want to be huffing the second hand smoke.

Just another sign that I am grown up after all.

Back again ... and gone

I have a day between trips, just to clear off my desk and then go again... Vegas was fun but kind of long. I did develop a disturbing new taste for sour apple martinis though, just what I needed.

I would upload some pictures but the trusty little Canon has disappeared ... a victim of my carelessness or someone's pilfering while we were at the trade show. I'm devastated. I cried over that camera... I really want it back. Maybe, just maybe it will turn up??? No, I guess not.

I tried not to think about mother's day ... it's always tough to grapple with that same old demon -- I didn't have children of my own. Still for the last 12 years I never felt as though I'd missed out because I had the girls. And now that the relationship has changed, I miss them desperately and all my insecurities come swooping in... I'm just glad it's over for another year.

On the other hand, for Mother's Day T did give me a beautiful card, a little gold ring, a BBQ apron and a bright orange cone (pictured here).

We are amused.

He's such a good man.

There is no stepmother's day

I am evil.
I am an alien.
I am an archetype.
I am wicked.

I once dried tears.
Took you shopping.
Paid the tuition.
Gave advice.

I cleaned you up.
I held your hand.
I brushed your hair.
I made a vow.

I am no one now.
I am nothing now.

There is no stepmother's day.

Viva

Las Vegas.

I'm off for a week at a trade show. Hopefully a little fun but also plenty of work. Lots of long days. But I'm not complaining... hope everyone has had a lovely May so far and doesn't get too far in to the tequila while celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

It's kind of neat how we manage to work holidays and celebrations of our own cultures in to the American experience. St. Pat's, Oktoberfest, what else? Shall we start celebrating Boxing Day? I'm in favor. How about Victoria Day? Please feel free to add your proposed holidays below.

Until we meet again, hit me. Uh, make that $50 on red. Oh, maybe not.

Happy May Day

Odds n ends:
3 trips in 4 weeks has morphed in to 4 trips in 5 weeks. I've got the whole slip-on shoe, computer out of the case, driver's license and boarding pass in the left and a diet coke in the right hand thing down to a science.

It finally rained. We're still down for precip but at least the next time T mows, 1/2 the topsoil from my yard won't blow in to the living room. It's been like the freakin' Oklahoma dustbowl.

Wildlife spotted on recent trips: swans in Michigan and prairie dogs on the OK/TX border. V cool.

I have forgotten how good it feels to eat healthy food. My eating habits have been appalling lately. It has run the gamut from German chocolate milkshakes from Braum's to cherry sours and pizza and Zapp's potato chips. However, here's one arguement for eating the bad stuff -- just as I was fixing my salad last night, 60 Minutes featured a story about people contracting e. coli from bagged salad. Which, was, of course, what I was using. Lovely. I want to have my innards rearranged by lettuce.

People Magazine's Most Beautiful 100 needs to be renamed People's Most Beautiful Celebrities. But thanks, People, for not including Paris Hilton. I always think it's interesting that people "fall off" the list. Did they get less beautiful? I mean, how can a guy be the Sexiest Man Alive and then just fishbait? The issue is shallow and stupid, but dangit, I still bought it.

Tired, so tired. I get all rested on Saturday morning, only to ruin the feeling by staying up too late on Sunday night. I never learn.

United 93

I don't usually go to movies, since T's not a big fan. But this was one he actually wanted to see, so on Saturday we had a rare afternoon at the show. This was the first time I dipped in to my gift certificates from Christmas and I couldn't think of a worthier movie to spend them on.

A lot of people say it's "this year's Passion of the Christ". Well, to me there are no similarities -- except one. That feeling of wanting to crawl under the seat so you don't have to watch what's going to happen. My brain was literally racing and I know I missed details and dialogue. I will have to watch again when the dvd comes out. And this time I'll have a drink, because God, this is a hard movie to watch.

Saturday night after we got back from the movies I saw that A&E was showing their earlier version, "Flight 93". There was simply no comparison. "United 93" is harrowing, white knuckle, intense, indescribable. It's like being there. It's hard not to yell at the screen. The TV version is like one of those disease movies of the week. People should be sweating. People should be crying. Noses should be running. People should not be sitting there being all stoic and beautiful. Of course, credit to A&E because their version came out much earlier and had a harder row to hoe. But if you think you've seen "United 93" because you saw "Flight 93", you ain't seen nothin'.

A few observations from the peanut gallery:

1. This is a powerful teaching tool, both for the attacked and the attackers. Should this happen in the future, most assuredly it will not happen the same way again.
2. If I have the bad luck to get hijacked, I will never believe that they will let us live. Therefore I feel it's my obligation to tell my family that I WILL fight. I will fight. I will cry and I will probably pee my pants. But I will kick, pull hair, gouge with fingernails and do everything I can do to inflict some harm on the hijackers.
3. I shook through the entire movie.
4. I think a lot about the difference between here and not here. You are on the phone with someone you love, wanting to hold on to them wanting them to hold on to your voice. They are there. Then they are not. The ability for thousands of victims to grab a cell and say goodbye gave 9-11 a very different texture.
5. At the end of the movie, there was no noise in the theater. At all.
6. The choice to use "non-celebrities" was perfect. Known names would have been a distraction. I recognized a few of the actors, but I'm not sure from where.
7. This movie made me think more of Schindler's List than Passion of the Christ. If you've forgotten the shock and the horror and the confusion of that day, this will put you back there.
8. Absolutely wonderful acting from many non-actors. I am curious about their choice to relive that day. It must have been incredibly hard.

If you wonder whether or not you should see it, go. Take kleenex. Those tears at the end aren't the manipulated Hollywood variety tears, they're real.

Bravo.

Dear Blackberry Guy...

I'm so glad that you were able to pull that little sleight of hand on the plane today. When the flight attendant told you to turn your Blackberry off so we could land you palmed it like a cheap magician and as soon as the wheels touched down you pulled it out from your armpit and resumed typing.

I'm so glad your life, my life and our fellow passenger's lives were less important than the message you were typing.

Loser.

End note: I'm traveling today... again. Trip number 2 of 3 in four weeks. The best part is I get HBO in the hotel so I can watch Elizabeth I. Helen Mirren rocks.

The perfect job

So in the enthusiasm of my youth I thought there would be such a thing as the perfect job. I wasn't going to fall in to some career like my father did, uh-huh. I was gonna plan for it and make it happen and spend the rest of my life making amazing money and loving every minute of my 8- to 5.

I think perfect jobs are a myth. Granted, there are some very cool jobs out there: greeting card writer, book editor, park naturalist, travel writer or a movie reviewer. There are people making a living as ice cream tasters, for pity's sake! But even those jobs probably have their drawbacks: writer's block, lost luggage, brain freeze.

Just for the record, while I never found the "perfect job", I did find one I liked. I feel incredibly fortunate when I have a day that feels more like play than labor. I do feel a little green now and then when I see people making a living as stage actors, Food Network execs, talent scouts and merchandise buyers. But all in all I feel pretty grateful that I didn't make a mistake when I signed up for all those writing classes and schlepped my way through my MBA. Granted, my career's taken some pretty wierd twists but all in all I think I'm one of the fortunate ones.

Not that I wouldn't still love to be the Wildlife Manager at the Hilton Hawaiian Village. But I'm pretty happy being a marketing geek at a Small-to-Midsize Manufacturer in the Midwest. If this is where I retire, so be it. But please God don't let it be with the same title, pay and position.

Feel Inspired: Love My Job

Friday afternoon again

I'd like to be anywhere but at work. Oh, OK. Maybe not getting day surgery or buying a car, but still.

I keep mentioning the four-legged senior center I'm running but it's becoming more and more apparent that some of my furkids are feeling a bit south of good these days. Dusty, my long-haired Maine Coon cat (that's him expressing his opinion of my blog lately) spends the better part of every day sleeping on the bed now. This does not make him unique among cats, I know. But lately it seems that he's hardly ever up. He doesn't stay by my side like he used to and when you walk in a room he gives you this groggy, disoriented look like he just not feeling well. Even T has noticed.

I know I will cry buckets when I lose him. I know I will be ridiculous. People will think I've gone fruitloops. But I'm crazy about him, he's hands down the favorite pet of my adult life. No critter on earth has made me feel better when I have been sad than this guy has.

By the way, pets are great therapy. Especially when you're lonely.

As for Friday afternoon: it's sunny. I'm inside. We need rain. Gas is expensive. That's what I'm worried about -- drought and fuel costs.

Oh, is it time to go home yet???

The end of the week

I am the only one here. At 10 minutes to 5 p.m. on Good Friday afternoon, I am completely alone in my department. 7 people are on vacation or otherwise absent. Not me. I'm like freakin' Lassie. Sit. Stay. Golly, I must seem stupid. It's 88 degrees! And sunny!

On the bright side, I've gotten a lot done this afternoon. My last post was about the inevitability of work-related fires. I didn't know it was a full moon this week or I'd have known, maybe, how bad it would actually get. It was much worse than I expected. It took me the rest of the week to get 3 things done on my list. One per day. And I added that many more just a few minutes ago. "Go to Jail. GO Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200."

A belated happy birthday to the love of my life, who celebrated his 42nd birthday with lots of Italian food and an early turn-in from food coma. Last night we extended the celebration a bit by going to see "Married Alive" at the American Heartland Theatre. It was a great date night. He never reads this blog any more because, well, he just doesn't want to know. But Happy Birthday anyway, honey.

So I'm hoping to take my blogging in a more professional direction (in addition to this highly unprofessional personal blog). My boss is really high on the idea of a blog for our retail animal health business. I'm excited about doing it -- or I was three weeks ago. I'm still waiting for the webmaster to set up a spot for me on the website and it's not his priority right now. Don't think it's even in the top 20, actually. So the shine is sort of off the penny but once we get it going it should be great. Very radical idea for a little company like mine. So very 21st Century.

Side note: if womens' clothing manufacturers want to put back pockets on pants to break up the wide expanse of my ass, that's fine. It makes total sense. But I will never actually use the pocket and in the meantime it's just creating a bunchy, lumpy, flashing neon sign that says, "look at my butt. And while your eyes are down there, check out my panty lines too." Ugh. I need to take In Style's advice and cut the pockets off and sew them up.

Sigh. TMI, sorry. As I said, I'm all alone. I've gone a little buggy. And now I'm going home.

Happy Easter. Happy Resurrection Day. And in all sincerity, thanks to God for Your gift. Only You knew how much we would need a Messiah.

The end of the day

Why does it always seem that I don't get really productive until everyone else's day is over?

I love, love, love the silence of an empty office. I love the act of getting organized for the next day. What I do not love is knowing that no matter how carefully I plan, tomorrow will come and bring with it another fire. And all my organization will go to blazes. Big bright orange flames.

I am this way at home, too. I do my best work at 9p.m. when T has tucked in for the night. I guess I am and may always be a bit of a hoot-owl.

On another subject, camping was the best... although too early for mushrooms. But we took the dogs and they did great. So funny, they were absolutely confused and delighted. Makes me wish that we'd made them inside dogs from the very beginning. Next time, we will have an inside dog -- but after the aging zoo I'm keeping dies off I'm limiting myself to one cat and one dog and no long haired cats or super-shedding mutts. Which means probably not the Sheltie I've always wanted. But that's ok. And hopefully, way down the road

Spring comes

...blogs go to hell.

Looking forward to the weekend... we are going camping for the first time since Labor Day. Seems a long long time and so much has happened since our last trip, but what a relief to get back to a routine that gives us both so much joy. I can't even tell you how happy it makes me to do this simple, normal thing.

Got a lot to get done between now and then... this will be the first time we've ever taken the dogs, too. Abby the famous D-O-G can't be left alone any more... afraid she'll get down and not be able to get up. Besides she needs her arthritis pills. Drugs for everyone these days. She and T are sharing a bottle of glucosamine, the good news is I don't have to coat T's pill with peanut butter for him to take it.

I hope there will be mushrooms but even if there aren't any at all I know we'll still have fun.

Inside my Head

Outside my head, things are very much as normal. The prep work is progressing on the home improvements we've planned. The taxes will be filed in a timely manner. We are eating our way through the ridiculous amount of food we have in the freezer. I am gaining weight, a temporary setback, I think.

Inside my head, things are peculiar. There is something else entirely going on.

Last Friday I attended a funeral for the Cat's grandfather. Her family was basically my surrogate family from the time we met as 8-year-old third graders. My family was pretty much imploding and they gave me a soft place to fall. I spent summers, holidays, weekends and sometimes weekdays under their roof and in the barn, creek, back fields and front 40. I pitched in with chores, got in trouble, got punished and got to be just another one of the kids. Despite the fact that I moved away in 8th grade, the Cat and I stayed tight and from age 16-18 1/2 I also dated the Cat's brother, a.k.a. the First. Since the First and I broke up in 1985 I have been very shy to go back for reasons I don't even think I can even put down "on paper". I've made only a handful of appearances.

But, on Friday, I did. I went back. I saw the Cat, her sister, the First and the parents. Also her cousins, her grandma and a collection of other fringe characters. I was ashamed: I cannot explain why I have been hiding all these years. But I have. I love them just as much now as I did then only with the appreciation of a grown-up who understands what a gift that time was. Yet I cannot tell them.

And so we spent a little time. We watched videos of us kids as preteens/teens (like having sharp nails dragged across my bare skin). We played cards. I took a long look at the First's kids. I felt the camaraderie of the Cat's kids, who were probably as overwhelmed as I but still pretty fun to talk to. I put the Cat in my car --- and at that moment it felt like we were 17 again and not a day, not a year, had gone by. I spent a day being buffeted repeatedly by the waves of memory and emotion. It will take time to sort it out.

Also K & A are in my head and not in a happy way. We can't all go on ignoring one another, although I'll be the first to admit this would be easier than dealing with our problems. I'm at a loss. I'm angry but I miss them.

Inside my head is the burden of mistakes made, of time, memory, sadness, regret, love, hope and hopelessness.

Outside my head it looks like just another spring day.

it's a new week

My WW week starts on Wednesday, so it's a new week for me. Thank heaven. Last week was San Diego. I did not journal. I did walk, a lot. I also ate gnocchi, creme brulee, a German chocolate cupcake (for breakfast, no less), fried fish, Ghirardelli chocolate and some other things that people on WW don't usually eat. It was fun. The gnocchi was from de' Medici and was good enough to make me want to cry for joy. The weather was nice for walking and the scenery was great. When I got home I did not stop eating but rather had T's smoked chops, subs, lemon cake, ice cream (in the 1/2 cup measuring cup, though) and more chocolate.

I walked an average of probably 4 miles a day while on the road. That's not treadmill walking but real walking with a heavy briefcase and sweat and everything. And God smiled. All my food sins and I still lost 2/10 of a pound. Enough to let me see the 158 on the digital scale. I didn't do much to deserve it but I'll take it anyway.

So then the question is, can I get serious and drop another 10 pounds before the next show on May 7? 10 pounds, 5 weeks? Possible -- but highly unlikely. I know of what my body and mind are capable.We shall see.

I just need to stay out of the River Market and away from this place: Frou Frou Sweets. Cupcakes to me are really perfection: not having ever been a big cake eater, I want tons of flavor and sweetness in a small package. I don't need a big hunk o' cake. Cupcakes fit the bill. I'm sure cupcakes are so 5 minutes ago in New York but here we like to take things a little slower.

don't feel like it

I don't feel like blogging.

I don't feel like dieting.

I don't feel like figuring out any more stuff that has to do with kitchens, windows, missing hair or venous lakes.
___________

The laser lady shot me up again yesterday and this time my lip swelled and got a very angry purple. I keep feeling like people can see it, though, like my hair, I'm sure it's my imagination. The laser lady says I should not have to come back, this time she thinks she got it. Yay.

I did have a nice lunch. I had the quiche and split the lemon cake. It's a very "ladies who lunch" kind of place. And I am so not. So I felt funny. Not funny wierd, but funny ironic.

My biggest regret of the day is that I didn't go down to the candy shop for jelly bellies before coming back to work. And that I didn't do something better with my hair, it looks stringy.

Ah, maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all. Those are pretty small regrets.

The Big Show

The show we're working is all about pets. I am amazed by the breadth and variety of products people will buy to pamper their furry friends. And I have to admit, it's fun to be in the company of so many pet people like myself, inventors and business people who have made their passion a vocation.

I've even found something I want to buy: Quick Finder. It's not out yet but when it is, I want one. It's like a stud finder but it tells you where the quick is in a pet's claws -- not an easy thing when they're black. This device will help inept people like me from clipping in to that vein that makes my deck look like a crime scene because I've nicked 2 or 3 claws and she's bled all over everything. It's something that Abby the famous dog will defintely benefit from. So PetSmart, please buy this device. I'm waiting.

Outside my window

Thank you hotel, for giving me free high-speed access so I can post more silly, rambling blog posts.

Landed fine in San Diego and hotfooted it to the convention center to set up our booth, which didn't take long. Stopped off in the press room to drop off press kits and decided if we are going to do this (and we should) we are going to have to jazz these things up significantly. But hey, we are a small company and this is better than nothing. Nothing was last year. I met a woman from CBS who needed live critters for one of her segments and had none. I of course thought longingly of my mostly useless and rapidly aging home petting zoo, 1600 miles to the east. It was a great opportunity that slipped helplessly out of my critter-free hands. Oh well.

At 1 p.m. local we finally found some lunch, this to supplement my ever so healthy breakfast of German Chocolate cupcake. Hey, a friend gave me a cupcake yesterday and I never got a chance to eat it. Cupcakes make an excellent breakfast. Flour, milk, eggs, it's all healthy stuff, right? Then we trekked back to the hotel after a quick stop at Hilo Hattie's for a suprise for T. And now I have dutifully checked all my e-mail, responded appropriately and am now killing time here. And outside my window? A Wyland Whale Wall, the San Diego Trolley and The Coaster. Oh yes, and a large Caterpillar jackhammer. It should be a fun, but not quiet, 4 days in California.

Spring and a Plane Ride

Diet update: despite my better efforts to gain, I have managed to lose what I gained last week and a little bit more. The slider is headed east again, I like that. We even had a traditional "Figgs dinner" on St. Patrick's Day (I learned a new term): corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, onions and carrots. I stayed heavy on the veggies and light on the beef.

Well, off to San Diego tomorrow for a work thing. This will take me through the weekend, which means working two weeks straight, always a bit of a bummer. I'll be back Sunday evening, just in time for work bright & early Monday. As always, I need to pick a new book to take, I'm somewhere between "Don't Know Much About History" and "The Doomsday Book" by Connie Willis. Two completely different reads, might take them both. And I still haven't finished "Time and Chance" or "Tales from the Scale" but I only have a few pages left on "Tales from the Scale" so that one doesn't count. Luckily I haven't got a big backlog of magazines like usual. This, not clothes, is why my suitcases are so damn heavy.

Our first day of spring came with snow. Gotta love this midwestern weather. It is some freaky stuff. On Sunday I ran around the yard picking up broken branches and cutting a vase full of the most beautiful daffodils: I figured the cold weather would ruin them and I may as well enjoy some inside. I am glad I did it, though I usually refrain from cutting flowers. I think I'm going to do it more often. They just look like springtime.

Thoughts pinballing around in my head:

• We've now expanded the kitchen renovation to include windows, 4 to start. We did locate a great deal on some appliances and a gorgeous slate tile. Just a few more steps to start in earnest.
• feline arthritis: my aging menagerie continues to pose new challenges. Dusty now has to be brushed daily and bathed with dry shampoo because he can't clean himself. He's like a former male model, fat and totally gone to seed. On Sunday, KC (my other cat) apparently found him so offensive that SHE gave him a bath. And his gimp is terrible to watch but I haven't figured out what to do for him yet.
• canine arthritis. 50 mg Rimadyl won't do it for Abby. We cut the meds and she's back to hobbling. So, though we know it will shorten her life, we have to choose between quality and quantity. She's already 11, I choose quality.
• The never ending cold. Is never ending. But the coughing is sooo much better than it was. I loosened a few ribs on Sunday but for the most part only sound like a multi-pack smoker when I laugh. AFV is just about killing me, although I watch it anyway. As I told T last night, people falling down is always funny.

What a shockingly dull post. Maybe something better later. Or maybe not. It's just me, after all, not Hemingway. ;-)

Oooh Sephora, what are you doing to me?

Is it SEPH-or-a or Se-PHOR-a?

All I know is that you used to only be in the rarest places -- the once-a-year I-can-handle-you places. You are in Las Vegas. Chicago. You showed up in Murcia, but you were small there, just a dainty cousin to your overblown Sin City counterpart.

Now, NOW you are coming to my neighborhood. I don't need this Sephora. You are stalking me. You are plotting, with your sexy French accent, to take all my disposable income.

Please, please Sephora, don't come any closer... I can't take it.

oooof

Sometimes I fall off the wagon. I've done that a lot this last week or two. Don't get me wrong, I like being down on the ground among all the naughty food. Last Friday, T and I wandered over to Granite City to have dinner and I had the most heavenly garlic mashed potatoes and a chicken sandwich with artichoke dip and cheese that must have been the size of my head. In the last few weeks we've also had Spanish food, Cheeseburger in Paradise and several other things I've probably blanked out.

I dropped to 159 and change for a minute or two and then have bounced back to 160.5, a small slip in the overall scheme of things and my first gain in 8 weeks. A day of laying all over the couch yesterday didn't help: I don't know how stay at home moms can resist the call of the fridge all day. All I wanted to do was eat, eat, eat. In volume. But overall I wasn't terrible. Oh, yeah, I was. Tha thump. Off the wagon. Tha thump. Ran over me, clipped me in the back of the head. Knocked the memory of the popcorn, cake and ice cream right out of me.

Ah, well. Back at it. Back at the diet, back at work, back at everything I guess. I had one day off from everything to just lay up and feel sorry for me. My only regret is that I didn't see that I could have gotten "In Her Shoes" on pay-per-view until it was too late. But I did get to watch "The Village" on regular cable.

coff*coff*coff

I shouldn't be so smug and superior to friends who fall prey to every virus out there. It's like I threw down the gauntlet to the entire viral community -- "Bring it on, bad viruses. I can handle anything you dish out!" It's true that I don't get sick a lot... I've had the unusual gift of resistence to every creeping crud T has had over the years, even strep. I also worked through mono and was bascially asymptomatic after 2 weeks -- a small miracle I hear.

But superhuman? Naw, not so much. What I thought was allergies turned out to be some kind of frickin' plague and I've had the special privilege of waking myself up coughing, on the hour, all night long.

So I'm super excited to be hear at work, leaving little virally fingerprints all over my office. I say my office-- because I've been quarantined-- to my office. Sorry everyone, I guess I am that annoying person who shows up sick and tries to spread my disease. Whoops.

do you know me? a love letter to my true friends

I want to believe that if you don't like me it's because you don't know me. Recently I was told that "there were a lot of people who didn't like me". I was also told that "a lot of people had changed their minds about me over time" and like me better now than they did. In the beginning, they thought I was snotty and stuck up.

Well, guys, I'm almost 39 years old and this isn't high school. I have consumed too much emotional energy worrying about who likes me and who doesn't. I have appeared stuck up because I was so afraid I wouldn't be liked that I didn't let anyone get close enough to decide for themselves if I am a good person or not. I have made myself hard to know. I didn't mean to, it just happened.

To the people who really know me, who hang around me, I think you do like me -- otherwise why waste your time? So I thank you for not judging this book by my cover. It would have been easy to do. I thank you for seeing past my defenses and being patient for me. I'm mystified as to why you would but profoundly grateful that you did.

Wrestling with God

It occurred to me this morning how far I've gotten from my old relationship with God. When I was constantly seeking him, attending church regularly, doing ministry stuff, really trying to walk the walk, well, it just seemed so hard. There was very little comfort there, just a nagging feeling that I could never be good enough. Read the Bible enough. Pray enough. Instead of feeling that I was worthy I felt more unworthy than ever. I never felt I was doing enough. I didn't read the right books, I didn't think the right way.

I put a little distance between myself and God last fall, I admit it. I couldn't focus on more than the crisis right in front of me. I didn't go to church. I still don't. I don't read my Bible at all. I don't set aside time to pray although I do pray for people when asked and I pray "on the fly", i.e. when things come to me. I do that in the car a lot. I feel more skeptical -- but not to the point of disbelief. It's more about the institution of religion and not about the players themselves -- God, Jesus, the Apostles. I miss having a church but my old church doesn't feel like home any more and I don't know how to find someplace new.

I used to wonder what God thought of me in His heaven. Now I just wonder if He thinks of me at all.

Having a relationship with a Diety is hard. It's not like you can just call up and say, "Hey God it's me. We haven't talked in a while but I was thinking about you and wondered if we could just get together. I'd like your opinion on some things and well, I just missed you." Yeah, God's never on the other end of the phone. But I don't worry very much. It may be stupid and arrogant of me but I believe that I will be renewed in my relationship with Him at some point. I believe this is inevitible. I don't want to have to turn to Him in another crisis though because getting through a crisis is hard enough without feeling as though you've been abandoned by the One who put you here. And yeah, I've read that "Footprints in the Sand" poem too. But there's what I know and how I feel and sometimes they are not the same.

Anyway I take encouragement from the story about Jacob wrestling with God. They wrestled all night and God even dislocated his hip. But Jacob refused to quit until he got his blessing. So even though God and I are doing a little wrestling right now, I'm not letting go until I get blessed.

Photo courtesy of this website: The Brick Testament

the real me

What? I didn't do it, whatever it is.

miscellaneous midweek mishmash

Too late for commenting on the Oscars I guess, although I liked the job that Jon Stewart did. I also love that Reese Witherspoon won and Philip Seymour Hoffman, too, although every time I see him I think "Dusty" from Twister so it's hard to take him seriously. Of course SHE was in not one but two "Legally Blonde" movies, so who's to say?

Well, weigh in day and down 12#. I wish that I felt it more, I'm in a constant state of surprise when I step on the scale and see it's gone down because I just don't feel it. I think my clothes do fit better and except for the below-waist jeans, nothing's falling off. Those below waist jeans are a bear by the way. I'm constantly hiking them up. I guess I need to dig out a belt.

So, other things to worry about. I think I've found some tile I like for the kitchen and in a totally non-related note, my hair is definitely falling out. This is nothing a 38 year old woman wants to face, by the way. But the old "Ignore it, it will go away" is not really appropriate here. Despite a year of Nioxin and tender loving care, it still is. Going away, that is. So next step will be to see a dermatologist, although I think it's fruitless, to be honest. I'm sure it's hereditary and the only answer is "tough luck". Guys are so lucky... they can just shave their heads these days and be sorta cool. But how many bald headed women do you see running around? Well there are a few but I think they may be in to some adult activities I'm not up for. That's a whole different enchilada. The easiest answer would be for falls to come back in to style. I used to have a blast with my mom's dark brown fall, I used to pin it in to my pixie cut and pretend I was a princess. My mother has a small collection of little hair enhancers now, less for style and more for necessity. Like my grandmother (the genetic culprit behind all this female hair loss) used to say, her head gets cold. Ah, it's not funny. But what else to do? Laugh or cry? I've already cried ...

So, jury duty went fine and quickly, thanks for that. A good thing too since I'm headed for San Diego in 2 weeks for another show and the work is backing up even as I waste time blogging. It's high season in the lawn & garden bidness so that means time to knuckle down.

And finally, there is rain in Kansas City.

consider yourself tagged

I love memes. I think they're fun. But no one ever tags me, which makes me sad. :-(

So I picked this one up from Pound. I stole it. So there. If you're reading this, consider yourself tagged. I think there are only about 4 bloggers that will read this anyway so I expect to see this in your blog next I check, OK? OK.

By the way, 2 days after the official weigh in (Wednesday) the scale reads 159.8. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the first time I've seen the 150s in a year. I have to say... I feel great.

On to the meme:

Four jobs I have had:

1. Waitress in the cafe the Cat's parents owned. Had a regular clientele that included two sweet elderly ladies who came in to eat noon dinner every day. I had the salads and tea on the table before their butts hit the seat.
2. Assistant to the VP of Marketing for a carpet retailer. Yeah, it was as crappy as it sounds. Only worse. I shared an office with a leering 2-pack a day smoker and I had to work half a day on Saturdays for the whole first year. I quit after 15 months.
3. Field Marketing Manager for Hardee's. One of my favorite jobs: involved a lot of travel, cool marketing stuff and the odd free ticket to a sporting event. It was also the first time in my career I got a huge raise.
4. Camp Counselor. The happiest 3 summers of my life. Netted me an ex-husband and 2 wonderful friends.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

1. The Philadelphia Story. I want to be Tracy's best friend. That girl can party.
2. Love, Actually
3. Pride & Prejudice (The BBC version with Colin Firth. Sorry Kari, all others are just pretenders.) I have seen this movie so many times I am embarrassed to say how many. Because it's 6 hours. But it's a lot.
4. Tie between Fantasia and Lady & the Tramp. Happy childhood memories, ya know.

Four places I have lived:

1. Independence, MO
2. Columbia, MO
3. Roeland Park, KS
4. Lenexa, KS (I don't get around much)
   

Four TV shows I love:

1. LOST
2. Survivor
3. I used to love the old Wonderful World of Disney
4. I have to say I'm kinda getting hooked on Grey's Anatomy but I don't know who in the world would find Ellen Pompeo cute. She looks squinty and runty to me. I like George. I think it should be called George's Anatomy.

Four places I have vacationed:

1. Spain: unforgettable and bears repeating, the sooner the better
2. Oahu: like heaven
3. Boston: great seafood, lots of history. I highly recommend the Cape in the off season. It's great to have a whole beach to yourself -- except for a sea lion & a horseshoe crab.
4. Halifax, Nova Scotia: feels a little like the edge of civilization. Cold and wild and very stoic, but friendly. OK, I can't explain it. Just go there.
   

Four of my favorite dishes:

1. Pizza with lots of Canadian bacon, pepperoni, olives and mushrooms
2. Phad Thai
3. Home made macaroni & cheese made with Velveeta
4. Tortellini Gina

Four sites I visit daily:

1. weightwatchers.com
2. yahoo home
3. the blogs on my list---------->
4. here, because I'm pathetic and I keep hoping one day I'll pop on and have like 100 visits in a day

on a less frequent basis I visit eonline, nascar.com, epinions, postsecret and awfulplasticsurgery.com. I'm not so different from anyone else, really. Also stuff for work.

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Hanauma Bay, snorkling
2. Riding a horse which is something I haven't done for a long time
3. at home on the couch reading a book
4. a great big museum or art gallery, like maybe the Louvre or the Smithsonian

and one more thing

Lobster's rant about commercialized weight loss is just that, a rant. Bless him and his right to an opinion but here's mine: most commercialized weight loss is probably OK. I'm not a huge fan of Jenny Craig but you know how I feel about WW and there's evidence to support the notion that WW does indeed work. People do lose weight. Yes, sometimes they gain it back, not because the program failed but rather because they have failed to address the real stuff that goes on when they turn to food for comfort, happiness, depression, anger or for any reason other than hunger. They've dealt with the symptoms but don't always tackle the "disease".

We are a nation of people plagued by conflicting messages: be beautiful and thin and while you're doing it, grab a Snickers -- it satisfies. The great wave of lap band surgeries is even proving to be a failure, since many high profile LBers are now ... that's right right, say it with me, gaining the weight back. Even with those tiny, tiny stomachs and the risk of being horribly sick.

Lately I've noticed food companies doing some new things: taking the sugar and the trans fats out, adding fiber and going to whole grains. Even more shocking, a packaged goods company (Hey Kool-Aid!) made and advertised a low calorie product to children! Food companies are businesses, created to make money. Consumers drive demand and if we ask for these products and buy them then the Krafts of the world will make them. I never realized what an outrageous reliance we have on prepackaged foods until I tried to shop in Spain. We must be one of the few countries on the planet that doesn't believe in whole food any more. It's a shame really. Instead of exporting our food culture to the rest of the world we should be importing their eating habits. Their food tastes better.

When we get serious about our own weight loss and health and stop acting like it's a fad, the corporate world will too. The buck stops here.

Civic duty

Much as I'd like to duck out, I got pulled for jury duty next week. Again. I swear I'm called for jury duty more than anyone else I know. I'm about to go pro.

And they've made it harder and harder to get out of it. I sat through a jury selection last time where this guy tried for 2 solid hours to get dismissed by giving the most obnoxious answers possible to every question the attorneys asked him. He claimed to be completely biased about everything, hate everyone and basically had no redeeming human qualities at all. After two hours everyone in the jury pool begged for them to dimiss him. Either that or we were going to have to drag him out behind the courthouse and kick his ass.

Well, while I'm sitting for hour upon hour at least I can read. Or play Bookworm or Text Twister on my pda. And try not to think about the work that's piling up while I'm doing my civic duty.

Is it wrong to pray that everyone plea bargains next week?

three tenths and a new stove

That's all I got for ya this week, just a measly 3/10 of a pound.

Almost 2 months in to the process and down 10.6 pounds. I'd hoped it would be faster. But I'm not going to complain .. I haven't been a very good weight watcher. I've made some alarming mistakes on my tracker and I have been eating out a lot -- Chinese, Mongolian BBQ, Subway, Sweet Tomatoes, Taco Bell. Heck I started off last Wednesday (the beginning of my WW week) by consuming almost half my flex points in one day. So I'll take the 3/10 down. Better than 3/10 up, right? The twin set I'm wearing isn't stretched across my chest like a porn star, so that's a bonus. Last time I wore it it didn't ... quite ... fit.

On other fronts, does anyone want to renovate my kitchen? For free? I daydream about a lot of things and some do come true, some do not. I daydreamed about new houses for a long time -- now I've downgraded my daydreams to new cabinet fronts, appliances, a sink, new tile backsplash and a countertop. We have one of the world's oldest kitchens. OK, maybe not the world, but it's pretty aged. It's all original, from 1961. Except the floor, that's circa 1981. I've got appliances older than me.

I never thought stoves could be sexy, but someone just utter the words continuous grate, self cleaning oven, sealed burners, over the range microwave and man, I'm totally hot. But we have to do the taxes first which means a whole bunch of headache. And then we have to buy the appliances and the sink and stash them somewhere in our tiny little crackerbox. And figure out how to pay for it all. And then have a big mess, for like, a week. So the process just feels too big, too scary, too unwieldy.

Ah, new things to worry about. How I do love a problem to solve.

Miss Fix-it

(image from artchixstudio.com)

I'm a Picture straightener.

I can't help it. I'm a compulsive miss fix-it and the only thing I really hate is the thing I can't fix.

I can't fix things that happened in the past.
I can't fix other people.
I can't fix the weather.
I can't fix other people's money problems.
I can't fix what God has decided will be otherwise.

But I want to. I want to wave my magic wand and make people whole and healthy. I want to sprinkle fairy dust and make my friend's daughter slender so she doesn't have to face a lifetime of weight issues. I want some extra strength fairy dust for my other friends' children, both special needs kids, both with uncertain futures. I want a pocket full of magic to make marriages healed and families whole and the places I used to love to feel like home again. I want a problem I can solve. I want everyone I love to want my love.

Just dub me Glinda the Witch of Good Intentions. The bubbly blonde with the broken wand. How does one survive in a world where problems just won't go away?

I guess I'll continue to pick away at the things I can fix. Like small time home repair. My weight. My lame pack a week smoking habit, which I am psyching myself up to stop, soon. After all this time I still forget that the only things I can truly fix are the things within me.

Fat girl vs. Skinny chick

So I'm reading "Tales from the Scale" which is not really what I expected -- I expected more humor and less introspection. But it turns out to be a thought-provoking little tome about how women deal with a lifetime of weight problems. It's led me to do some thinking about my own inner fat girl and the skinny chick lurking around in there too -- because they do coexist, although badly.

The fat girl showed up in 7th grade. Special K had those "pinch an inch" commercials on TV and I reached down and, to my great dismay, grabbed at least an inch worth of flesh. I have no idea what I weighed then but things were already starting to go if only slightly, wrong. I get to thank puberty for that. I had always been a skinny kid but hormones changed everything. I also lived with a woman who had very serious weight issues and I had a lot of free access to pop and junk food. My skinny chick had always been able to eat anything and be a beanpole. But the fat girl demanded something different and a lot more of it.

In 8th grade I had my school picture taken and it was so awful I demanded they retake it. Over his vehement protests, the photographer took the picture again but it was no better. The truth was on film twice over. I looked pale, tired, bloated and unhappy. That year I had my last falling out with my stepmom and got moved to my mother's house. Living with my slender mother didn't help. My freshman year I was just over 5" and probably weighed 112 and thought I had become a complete cow. Each year of high school I tracked my weight: 116 my sophomore year, 121 my junior year and 131 my senior year. Not quite 5'4" and 131. I thought I was huge. Most of my friends were probably 10-15 pounds lighter. My mother called me porkchop if she caught me snacking after school. I knew I weighed more than she did: both my parents had weighed 118 when they married -- they were little people. I should have been too, but I was not. I had breasts. I had curves. I had a softness my mother didn't. I was zaftig. In my head, I was fat. But I still wanted food, so I snuck it. I bought the candy bars the cheerleaders were selling and ate them for breakfast. I bought girl scout cookies and hid them, polishing off a box of Thin Mints in 2 sittings. I ate spoonsful of peanut butter and cream cheese. I bought spreadable cheese my choir sold as a fundraiser and ate it plain because I didn't want my mom to see me with the crackers.

And so the rollercoaster began. College = pizza, booze and a five pound weight gain. Thankfully I had to walk a lot and I was broke all the time, otherwise it would have been much worse. My first year of marriage, my ex told me I'd feel so much better if I'd "just lose 10#". So I tried the "American Heart Association Diet". When that failed, I consulted a nutritionist and lost weight -- it was the last time I saw the 120s (16 years ago). After my first husband left, I didn't even think about the fact that I was back on the dating scene and carrying an extra 20 pounds. I knew when I slept with someone that the lights should be off so no one could see me but the inner skinny chick, still alive despite everything, told me that I didn't really look that bad. I never looked in mirrors. I ate canned soup and candy from the counter of the Hallmark store I worked in part-time at night and on weekends. I had Taco Bell if I could afford it. On special occasions, I treated myself to Velveeta Shells N' Cheese.

When T and I started dating I didn't own a scale. I remember standing on his and saying "if I hit 150 I'm wiring my mouth shut." After a very happy year and a half courtship, we married. I weighed 169 after our 18 month Dairy Queen dating ritual and when the pictures came back of me pre-ceremony, in sweats and in profile, I knew it was time I got serious. Enter Weight Watchers attempt #1. I lost 29 pounds in maybe 9 months and was thrilled but proceeded to put every pound right back on and add another 20 to it. Attempt number 2 (with many false starts in between) I lost nearly 50 pounds. I weighed 138 for about 3 minutes before I stopped weight-watching and piled it all back on. And this is how it's been for me. The fat girl says I'm not good enough and the skinny chick says I don't look all that bad. I don't look in mirrors, especially those 3 way kind where you can see your back. The back of my body from shoulders to knees is a problem. I don't listen to either one of them but they're whispering to me all the time.

Even when and if I ever reach 135# again, I won't be skinny. But I'll be good enough for middle aged. I'll still avoid looking at the rear view and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to squelch the skinny chick/fat girl debate going on in my head. The fat girl wants fed and the skinny chick wants to be pretty and in control. Unfortunately for me, they can't co-exist in peace. I will always miss the comfort of fudge, macaroni and cheese, meatloaf with mashed potatoes, pasta, pizza and warm chocolate chip cookies. Let';s face reality: cucumbers with hummus and high fiber granola bars will never replace the reassurance of the creamy, chewy fat-laden foods I love.

Nor can I separate the people I love from the foods I associate them with: Grandma Short and her lemon meringue pie and fried chicken, Grandma Skellenger and her blueberries and cream, raspberry milk and cinnamon toast. Even my mother-in-law with her pot roasts and homemade bread, my own mother and her unbelievable key lime pies. Dear sweet T, with his cream cheese pies and smoky ribs. I just know that there's more to love and relationships than food and the feelings it gives me. I've just got to learn how to relate to people without the food. I need to know how to celebrate without dinner and dessert. I need to know how to love someone without feeding them. I need peace with food. I need peace. I need food.

(Just not as much as I think.)