Blog entries that were never born

I've had a hundred wierd or deep thoughts over the last few weeks. That's how many opportunities I think I may have missed to post here. There's a lot going on these days but none of it seems to get blogged. So here's the reader's digest version:

• Travel - there was lots. Four trips in five weeks. Stopped now.
• Oil of Olay energy glow lotion - cool stuff. I'm not orange and I'm not white. Excellent news.
• Camping this weekend - his family reunion.
• Our first BBQ contest is next weekend - I make the chicken and T manages the rest. Hope we don't embarrass ourselves. Hope he has fun.
• LOST - wow. Did you watch that? What did you think?
• Weekend after next - 'nother family reunion, still his. Waaaay up in Nebraska, almost to SD. Anyone want to babysit my dogs?
• hot here. Hot there? Ugh. What happened to spring?
• I've got my hair somewhat under control now but I'm not going to get in to it. Let's just say I rethought the problem and came up with a solution I'm happy with.
• I'm still not smoking. Sometimes I miss it but mostly I'm ok.
• I want to see "Over the Hedge" and the "X-Men" -- no time, no time.
• Where did May go?
• I need to get back on my diet. I feel like an overfilled balloon. I've had Mexican twice this week. And I could have it again and be happy.

See? Nothing really very profound.

I had some profound thoughts but did not write them down. I need to get better about that.

Here's a fresh one from this morning:
Several times in the past few days and weeks I have made a mental note to myself, mostly regarding the passage of time. Actually, it's more like the lightbulb coming on. For instance, this morning as I was making our bed I thought about the last time the A/C was on. The last time I had the air conditioning on, our marriage was in total system failure and I was sleeping alone on a blow up mattress on the floor of a bare apartment across town. I was worrying every minute about money and the kids and my marriage and him and also myself. I was wishing I could fast forward myself 6 months and see how it ended. Well, it's been nine months now. This is my resolution and it's better than I ever could have hoped. It made T turning on the air last night seem monumental in some way, although only to me, I'm sure. Each little moment is another mile gone from where we were -- and a little closer to the new life we're making.

Well, that's probably all you'll hear from me until after the holiday. I wish everyone a great weekend!

I quit

It's been a week since I quit smoking.

I don't remember the last one I had, I know it was in Vegas. I have known for a long time that I should give them up but you know, I like smoking. Simple. I just do. But I told T and more than that, I promised myself that I would quit by my birthday and even though it's still 5 weeks away, I had one left and I got rid of it before we got on the plane. And then I decided not to buy any more.

I miss it. I didn't even smoke that much. But I know that it's the right thing to do... maybe my blood pressure will go down a little and get me out of the "pre-hypertension" category. I always thought 120/80 was good... now I guess it's not so much.

Even Mother Nature (I revert back to an old nickname for the former Frau Lobster) who has been laid up in the hospital all week has been trying to keep me on the straight and narrow. A coworker took the rental car keys when we were out of town earlier in the week, stating that "If you are going to smoke, you're going to have to walk to get them." It's been a long time since I sat in a Hampton Inn room all evening with crap on TV and no cigarettes.

Someone tell me I'll be better off. But I don't want to be one of those smug bastards who wrinkles their nose every time someone walks by with a cigarette... nor do I want to be huffing the second hand smoke.

Just another sign that I am grown up after all.

Back again ... and gone

I have a day between trips, just to clear off my desk and then go again... Vegas was fun but kind of long. I did develop a disturbing new taste for sour apple martinis though, just what I needed.

I would upload some pictures but the trusty little Canon has disappeared ... a victim of my carelessness or someone's pilfering while we were at the trade show. I'm devastated. I cried over that camera... I really want it back. Maybe, just maybe it will turn up??? No, I guess not.

I tried not to think about mother's day ... it's always tough to grapple with that same old demon -- I didn't have children of my own. Still for the last 12 years I never felt as though I'd missed out because I had the girls. And now that the relationship has changed, I miss them desperately and all my insecurities come swooping in... I'm just glad it's over for another year.

On the other hand, for Mother's Day T did give me a beautiful card, a little gold ring, a BBQ apron and a bright orange cone (pictured here).

We are amused.

He's such a good man.

There is no stepmother's day

I am evil.
I am an alien.
I am an archetype.
I am wicked.

I once dried tears.
Took you shopping.
Paid the tuition.
Gave advice.

I cleaned you up.
I held your hand.
I brushed your hair.
I made a vow.

I am no one now.
I am nothing now.

There is no stepmother's day.

Viva

Las Vegas.

I'm off for a week at a trade show. Hopefully a little fun but also plenty of work. Lots of long days. But I'm not complaining... hope everyone has had a lovely May so far and doesn't get too far in to the tequila while celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

It's kind of neat how we manage to work holidays and celebrations of our own cultures in to the American experience. St. Pat's, Oktoberfest, what else? Shall we start celebrating Boxing Day? I'm in favor. How about Victoria Day? Please feel free to add your proposed holidays below.

Until we meet again, hit me. Uh, make that $50 on red. Oh, maybe not.

Happy May Day

Odds n ends:
3 trips in 4 weeks has morphed in to 4 trips in 5 weeks. I've got the whole slip-on shoe, computer out of the case, driver's license and boarding pass in the left and a diet coke in the right hand thing down to a science.

It finally rained. We're still down for precip but at least the next time T mows, 1/2 the topsoil from my yard won't blow in to the living room. It's been like the freakin' Oklahoma dustbowl.

Wildlife spotted on recent trips: swans in Michigan and prairie dogs on the OK/TX border. V cool.

I have forgotten how good it feels to eat healthy food. My eating habits have been appalling lately. It has run the gamut from German chocolate milkshakes from Braum's to cherry sours and pizza and Zapp's potato chips. However, here's one arguement for eating the bad stuff -- just as I was fixing my salad last night, 60 Minutes featured a story about people contracting e. coli from bagged salad. Which, was, of course, what I was using. Lovely. I want to have my innards rearranged by lettuce.

People Magazine's Most Beautiful 100 needs to be renamed People's Most Beautiful Celebrities. But thanks, People, for not including Paris Hilton. I always think it's interesting that people "fall off" the list. Did they get less beautiful? I mean, how can a guy be the Sexiest Man Alive and then just fishbait? The issue is shallow and stupid, but dangit, I still bought it.

Tired, so tired. I get all rested on Saturday morning, only to ruin the feeling by staying up too late on Sunday night. I never learn.

United 93

I don't usually go to movies, since T's not a big fan. But this was one he actually wanted to see, so on Saturday we had a rare afternoon at the show. This was the first time I dipped in to my gift certificates from Christmas and I couldn't think of a worthier movie to spend them on.

A lot of people say it's "this year's Passion of the Christ". Well, to me there are no similarities -- except one. That feeling of wanting to crawl under the seat so you don't have to watch what's going to happen. My brain was literally racing and I know I missed details and dialogue. I will have to watch again when the dvd comes out. And this time I'll have a drink, because God, this is a hard movie to watch.

Saturday night after we got back from the movies I saw that A&E was showing their earlier version, "Flight 93". There was simply no comparison. "United 93" is harrowing, white knuckle, intense, indescribable. It's like being there. It's hard not to yell at the screen. The TV version is like one of those disease movies of the week. People should be sweating. People should be crying. Noses should be running. People should not be sitting there being all stoic and beautiful. Of course, credit to A&E because their version came out much earlier and had a harder row to hoe. But if you think you've seen "United 93" because you saw "Flight 93", you ain't seen nothin'.

A few observations from the peanut gallery:

1. This is a powerful teaching tool, both for the attacked and the attackers. Should this happen in the future, most assuredly it will not happen the same way again.
2. If I have the bad luck to get hijacked, I will never believe that they will let us live. Therefore I feel it's my obligation to tell my family that I WILL fight. I will fight. I will cry and I will probably pee my pants. But I will kick, pull hair, gouge with fingernails and do everything I can do to inflict some harm on the hijackers.
3. I shook through the entire movie.
4. I think a lot about the difference between here and not here. You are on the phone with someone you love, wanting to hold on to them wanting them to hold on to your voice. They are there. Then they are not. The ability for thousands of victims to grab a cell and say goodbye gave 9-11 a very different texture.
5. At the end of the movie, there was no noise in the theater. At all.
6. The choice to use "non-celebrities" was perfect. Known names would have been a distraction. I recognized a few of the actors, but I'm not sure from where.
7. This movie made me think more of Schindler's List than Passion of the Christ. If you've forgotten the shock and the horror and the confusion of that day, this will put you back there.
8. Absolutely wonderful acting from many non-actors. I am curious about their choice to relive that day. It must have been incredibly hard.

If you wonder whether or not you should see it, go. Take kleenex. Those tears at the end aren't the manipulated Hollywood variety tears, they're real.

Bravo.