The Mystery Bruise

I was going to write something about domestic violence after Patrick Holland finally secured his freedom from his murdering scumbag of a father but I thought it was a bit heavy for this blog. This morning, I clicked on my home page to see pictured of Paris Hilton with bruises on her face and arms and it made me think again about writing something down.

For 2 years I volunteered inside a battered women's shelter. It gave me some perspective on physical abuse that maybe other people don't have. For instance, many people blithely ask, "Why doesn't she (or he) just leave?" Maybe because when domestic violence escalates, it can end in death. Abusers can and do often stalk their victims and harm those close to the victim (including children). After all, Liz Holland left her abuser.

Others may ask, "Why would they be with that person in the first place?" A lot of abuse doesn't begin until after the relationship is established -- sometimes after marriage, sometimes when a woman becomes pregnant. Most often the physical abuse comes on the heels of a long period of verbal and emotional abuse. By that time, the abused person feels, worthless, stupid, hopeless and helpless. If it's a male, he feels completely humiliated, emasculated and that he's a failure as a man.

So, back to Paris. Maybe people would like to believe that she just got into a chick fight -- that her celebrity ex couldn't have done that to her. I don't know what happened -- only she knows the truth. But let's entertain the thought for a moment ... what if he did? It's possible, since this kind of violence has nothing whatsoever to do with economics, social status, education or being "nice". There are a lot of people out there - smart, rich, educated, talented, strong people- who are hurting other or being hurt themselves. Domestic violence may hit the papers now and then -- after a celebrity gets arrested or hurt, perhaps. Yet the trend toward solving the issue is either to politicize or let it fade out of our view until the next headline. We've made laws that abuse is illegal but we don't or can't enforce them.

Domestic violence is a real problem that needs to be addressed in a real way, not with mudslinging, finger pointing, tabloid stories, accusations, referendums and competing statistics. I'll bet you know someone who's been hurt -- really hurt. Unfortunately I know a few someones, both male and female. Yet a large portion of society's response to the mystery bruise is denial, derision and finally, dismissal. We're a world of monkeys with our hands over our eyes. But what we don't see can and does hurt. Every day. Maybe we need to think about that the next time someone we know comes up with a big black and blue mark they can't explain away.

Personally, I'm combatting this the only way I know how: to educate my girls and make sure that they know that hitting is NOT OK and how a potential abuser may behave. I want them to know that bad tempers are dangerous, not sexy and that jealousy is destructive, not cute. I will reinforce their worth as human beings. I will always be there and I will never, never ignore the mystery bruise.