Learning Unselfishness

I will admit I'm a late bloomer in many respects. I remember a few years ago that I was mortally offended when someone suggested that people who do not have children are selfish. Now that I'm approaching middle age (or am I there?) , I think that I can now qualify that statement -- a very broad generalization to be sure -- in my own life. It's not that I am selfish, therefore I do not have children. Quite the opposite, actually. My decision was based on the wishes of my childed husband, who didn't want to have his heart broken again by having more kids and then having his second marriage fail. Also, by the time we met, K was just coming out of diapers and he was enjoying the freedom of movement one has when one isn't changing diapers and toting strollers, car seats, diapers bags, blankies and binkies. So I deferred to his wishes -- one of my life's biggest sacrifices and one borne totally out of love for him.

Yet I am selfish. I am used to having my house my way and a great deal of freedom in my schedule. I'm used to having it just be the two of us. I basically do what I want whenever I need to and don't have to worry about doctor appointments, PTA meetings, soccer games, school schedules, lunch money, activity tickets and the like. The flexibility and freedom that are luxuries for other parents have been "neccessities" for us -- we're like a couple used to driving a fast luxury car and can't imagine going back to the stolid family minivan.

K came to live with us yesterday. I think we are all terrified. I know I am. I'm so scared that I'm too selfish, too moody, too perfectionist, too intolerant -- that I won't be able to deliver on all I've promised to God, to T and to her. I'm so proud to be there with her and for her but I'm also tired and whiny. I'm juggling the sick cat, the scared kid, the harried husband, the grocery shopping, the taxes, the housework and a job. I keep having to remind myself that I'm (gulp) now the mom and moms all over the world do this stuff every day. God entrusted me with this girl and gave me a chance to learn how to finally be unselfish and I have to rise to the challenge.

So with 6 hours of sleep and "miles to go before I sleep", my hat off to parents everywhere, biological and otherwise. The responsibility is unfathomable and the rewards are frequently subtle. But the blessing is a relationship that mirrors God and His own Son. Unselfish parenting, unselfish love. Even when it seems impossible.

That which we look on with unselfish love
And true humility is surely ours,
Even as a lake looks at the stars above
And makes within itself a heaven of stars.
-Mary Gardiner Brainard

Please, God, let her see our stars.