My friend recently suggested I visit the annual fair in the town where we grew up. For her, this must have seemed a natural thing because I think she was happy in our little town. But after all these years I don't think she knows how much I hated that place.
I do have some happy memories... of digging down in giant tubs of cornmeal for bubble gum and dimes, of egg tosses, whirly rides, homemade pie, Saturday night street dances. I remember my mother gently loading a beautiful gingerbread house into the back of our car to enter in the cake decorating contest. A pencil sketch of one of our half-wild kittens for which she won a ribbon. For that weekend, anyway, the kids in town were princes and princesses in cut-off shorts. We carried the massive fortune of $10 and whatever money we won for ribbons in our frayed pockets.
But this is also the town that I ran helplessly through -- only to be caught and beaten by an older, bigger girl. A town where I was spit on, assaulted and humiliated. A place where my heart was broken more than one time. This is the town that threatened to take me from my father. Where kids hated me and grown people looked right through me. Where I was humiliated in to putting back groceries because I didn't have enough money.
The thought of those times has nearly obliterated my memories of childhood delight.
This is the place that only remembers me as I was: a mouthy kid, a helpless, out-of-control daughter of a broken home. I was the girl who lived in a trailer on a gravel road on the edge of town. I was the hacked off corner of a painful lover's triangle. When I am there, I am no longer the "me" I made, instead I shrink to the "her" they made.
I need this distance to reclaim what happy memories I can. I won't rule out ever going back but for now there's no peace in a place that was so unfair.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Friday, August 27, 2004
Rose Awards
In celebration of Friday, here's my first weekly White Rose Awards.
Easiest Service Project Ever: Project Linus
I am a craft idiot but even I can crochet-- while on my rear watching Survivor, no less. I'll be sharing this one with my mom, who is a serial knitter and my MIL, who is a world-class quilter.
Best Magazine for Lazy Martha Stewart Wannabes: Real Simple
Most of this stuff is pretty original and not! very! complicated! I'm buying a subscription and sharing with my oldest stepdaughter. Now she can get great decorating and organization advise from people who actually know what they're talking about -- instead of me.
Funniest e-mail I received this week: I very tactlessly teased my friend C about his greying hair (we're the same age) and he, being the droll, sweet person he is responded with this. Unexpected wit is always so fun.
<< "Gray hair is a crown of splendor, it is attained by a righteous life." Proverbs 16:31
Maybe you should start living better so you can have gray hair and a righteous life too? Something to think about. >>
Coolest Free Family Activity in KC this week: 75 Years of Mickey Mouse
Maybe Sunday after church? I mean, who doesn't love Mickey?
Easiest Airline To Deal With: Southwest Airlines
I love that they give you an inexpensive option to buy fully refundable tickets on line. Makes my working life SO much easier, especially when meetings get cancelled at 5 a.m. And the CS rep I talked to this week was a real sweetheart.
Most Delicious Smoked Meats found in the Middle of Nowhere: Swiss Meats
Simply. Heaven. Their onion and green pepper brat is the bomb.
Finally, I've been blogging in secret and I'm thinking of letting some people know. It seems like an awkward thing to do, kind of a "hey looky at me" thing. But I think if I knew my friends were blogging and I couldn't read it, I would feel I was missing out. In these days of faster and faster, blogs are sometimes a nice way to slow down and really understand one another.
Easiest Service Project Ever: Project Linus
I am a craft idiot but even I can crochet-- while on my rear watching Survivor, no less. I'll be sharing this one with my mom, who is a serial knitter and my MIL, who is a world-class quilter.
Best Magazine for Lazy Martha Stewart Wannabes: Real Simple
Most of this stuff is pretty original and not! very! complicated! I'm buying a subscription and sharing with my oldest stepdaughter. Now she can get great decorating and organization advise from people who actually know what they're talking about -- instead of me.
Funniest e-mail I received this week: I very tactlessly teased my friend C about his greying hair (we're the same age) and he, being the droll, sweet person he is responded with this. Unexpected wit is always so fun.
<< "Gray hair is a crown of splendor, it is attained by a righteous life." Proverbs 16:31
Maybe you should start living better so you can have gray hair and a righteous life too? Something to think about. >>
Coolest Free Family Activity in KC this week: 75 Years of Mickey Mouse
Maybe Sunday after church? I mean, who doesn't love Mickey?
Easiest Airline To Deal With: Southwest Airlines
I love that they give you an inexpensive option to buy fully refundable tickets on line. Makes my working life SO much easier, especially when meetings get cancelled at 5 a.m. And the CS rep I talked to this week was a real sweetheart.
Most Delicious Smoked Meats found in the Middle of Nowhere: Swiss Meats
Simply. Heaven. Their onion and green pepper brat is the bomb.
Finally, I've been blogging in secret and I'm thinking of letting some people know. It seems like an awkward thing to do, kind of a "hey looky at me" thing. But I think if I knew my friends were blogging and I couldn't read it, I would feel I was missing out. In these days of faster and faster, blogs are sometimes a nice way to slow down and really understand one another.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Decision 2004
A little while ago after reading yet more viciousness directed against certain candidates in the presidential election, I googled up "best candidate for president" and got a (surprise!) useful quiz that walks you through various political issues to determine your best match.
I'm still leaning right. Yep. But not very, since I am a former Democrat with a child in public school. My beliefs don't have a thing to do with military service or elected office experience, either. In fact, those two items are total non-issues for me. Now what we plan to do about education, oil prices, taxes, various constitutional amendments and the war in Iraq are issues.
I won't bore you with my specific beliefs, I will only say that I hope everyone votes their conscience and when this election is over I hope we can abandon the rhetoric and meanness and get back to being nice people. This election seems to be exceedingly ugly. As for me, I plan to vote by absentee ballot and be safely and blissfully digging my toes into the island sand on election day, where my only decision will be what to pick for lunch.
A hui hou kakou,
Yorkist Rose
I'm still leaning right. Yep. But not very, since I am a former Democrat with a child in public school. My beliefs don't have a thing to do with military service or elected office experience, either. In fact, those two items are total non-issues for me. Now what we plan to do about education, oil prices, taxes, various constitutional amendments and the war in Iraq are issues.
I won't bore you with my specific beliefs, I will only say that I hope everyone votes their conscience and when this election is over I hope we can abandon the rhetoric and meanness and get back to being nice people. This election seems to be exceedingly ugly. As for me, I plan to vote by absentee ballot and be safely and blissfully digging my toes into the island sand on election day, where my only decision will be what to pick for lunch.
A hui hou kakou,
Yorkist Rose
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Runner's High
OK, I admit I was jealous of K this morning. She decided last night to start running on our treadmill to stay in some semblance of shape should she decide to resume playing soccer. So at 5:30 this morning, she rolled out and trotted off. At 6:00 I dragged myself out of bed and hailed her grouchy good morning as we passed in the hallway. She was pumped, happy, hyper and ready to go. I still had bed hair and one eye closed. Harrumph.
After 30 quality minutes with "Real Simple" and the offending treadmill, I have but one question. Where's my runner's high? I didn't feel refreshed, I felt itchy from the sweat. Actually I felt an immense sense of relief that I won't have time to walk tomorrow (I have a good reason). So are "they" saying "runner's high"? Or just that runners are high? 'Cause there is a difference.
Let's face it. I still fight my weight because I'm a slug. The treadmill is incompatible with my sluglike state. I secretly wish for one of those fitness makeovers... but then again I more frequently fantasize about an evening alone on the couch with the remote and a stack of Blockbuster videos.
However -- in the fantasy, I am drinking Diet Coke and eating Smart Pop Kettle Corn. That should count for something. And I had a vegetarian black bean burger for lunch yesterday. So no one can say I'm not making an effort here ...
After 30 quality minutes with "Real Simple" and the offending treadmill, I have but one question. Where's my runner's high? I didn't feel refreshed, I felt itchy from the sweat. Actually I felt an immense sense of relief that I won't have time to walk tomorrow (I have a good reason). So are "they" saying "runner's high"? Or just that runners are high? 'Cause there is a difference.
Let's face it. I still fight my weight because I'm a slug. The treadmill is incompatible with my sluglike state. I secretly wish for one of those fitness makeovers... but then again I more frequently fantasize about an evening alone on the couch with the remote and a stack of Blockbuster videos.
However -- in the fantasy, I am drinking Diet Coke and eating Smart Pop Kettle Corn. That should count for something. And I had a vegetarian black bean burger for lunch yesterday. So no one can say I'm not making an effort here ...
Monday, August 23, 2004
Women of Faith
I should have mentioned earlier that the conference I attended this weekend was as super as I'd hoped it would be. Not only did I get to see my partners in crime have a wonderful time, I also received blessings of my very own.
When I had to pick between Omaha and St. Louis, I went with the Omaha location so that I would be able to see Nichole Nordeman. I have a passing familiarity with some of her music and thought I might enjoy it. Uh, yeah. As I sat in the dark watching her perform, tears just streamed down my face. I don't know why -- I wasn't sad. But I was touched in some very, very deep place. I related this to my husband later and he shrugged philosophically. We both agreed that sometimes it's good to sit in the dark and cry.
This conference is always so joyful. These speakers are so down-to-earth, vulnerable, available. Though it was hard to pick a favorite from so many terrific speakers, I have to say I was most moved by Patsy Clairmont. I was also so impressed by her kindness out on the concourse -- with a show organizer tugging at her elbow and a crowd of fans pressing in around her she patiently signed every last item, including my friend D's book. Sandi Patty was a surprise performer (replacing CeCe Winans at the last minute) and "oh, wow". You've heard the expression "raise the roof"? Well, she tore it off. What a voice.
I also took some silly satisfaction in the fact that nearly every men's room was changed to a ladies'. Porcelain gender reassignment, I guess. Bravo, Qwest Center!
As we arrived back home on Saturday night, T said he could feel the "estrogen wave" from the driveway to the house. We are women, hear us roar. Hear us worship. Hear us rejoice!
When I had to pick between Omaha and St. Louis, I went with the Omaha location so that I would be able to see Nichole Nordeman. I have a passing familiarity with some of her music and thought I might enjoy it. Uh, yeah. As I sat in the dark watching her perform, tears just streamed down my face. I don't know why -- I wasn't sad. But I was touched in some very, very deep place. I related this to my husband later and he shrugged philosophically. We both agreed that sometimes it's good to sit in the dark and cry.
This conference is always so joyful. These speakers are so down-to-earth, vulnerable, available. Though it was hard to pick a favorite from so many terrific speakers, I have to say I was most moved by Patsy Clairmont. I was also so impressed by her kindness out on the concourse -- with a show organizer tugging at her elbow and a crowd of fans pressing in around her she patiently signed every last item, including my friend D's book. Sandi Patty was a surprise performer (replacing CeCe Winans at the last minute) and "oh, wow". You've heard the expression "raise the roof"? Well, she tore it off. What a voice.
I also took some silly satisfaction in the fact that nearly every men's room was changed to a ladies'. Porcelain gender reassignment, I guess. Bravo, Qwest Center!
As we arrived back home on Saturday night, T said he could feel the "estrogen wave" from the driveway to the house. We are women, hear us roar. Hear us worship. Hear us rejoice!
Snap
Hold your hand out in front of you and snap your fingers. No, really, do it.
That's how long it took for a motorcyclist to inadvertently end his life yesterday - out for a ride on a sunny Sunday afternoon. That's how long it took for a friend's brother to become a quadriplegic last year. How long it took a dog to maul a girl across the street from my SIL and BIL and cause her to receive 90 stitches. That's how long it takes to say a vow, step on a plane, open a door, pull a trigger.
Very often I find it isn't the years that define or instruct our lives -- it's the briefest of moments. A wrong turn, a right turn, a smile, a slip, a ringing phone.
Are we ready? Are the people we love ready?
That's how long it took for a motorcyclist to inadvertently end his life yesterday - out for a ride on a sunny Sunday afternoon. That's how long it took for a friend's brother to become a quadriplegic last year. How long it took a dog to maul a girl across the street from my SIL and BIL and cause her to receive 90 stitches. That's how long it takes to say a vow, step on a plane, open a door, pull a trigger.
Very often I find it isn't the years that define or instruct our lives -- it's the briefest of moments. A wrong turn, a right turn, a smile, a slip, a ringing phone.
Are we ready? Are the people we love ready?
Friday, August 20, 2004
Reunion, Renewal, Rest
I'm off this afternoon to attend the Women of Faith Conference in Omaha. I'm taking 2 friends I've known for 18 years, plus one of their SILs and my own SIL. We are all doing something that doesn't involve kids or a husband. Very radical.
In all honesty, my two friends deserve this more than I do. D is the mother of three sons, one with profound special needs. S has two young daughters, one of whom was diagnosed with autism. I often crab about various things in my life but compared to the fire-breathing dragons these two battle every day, my problems are the equivalent of a little morning fog. So I organized this trip. Well, I think I was Spirit-led to organize it. God made it happen because there's no way without Him that we could ever have pulled it off.
It is my joy to see it unfold. And my blessing to be around some of the most awesome women I know -- to have the privilege of watching them receive the reunion, renewal and rest they so desire. My heart is very full. My weekend is already made.
In all honesty, my two friends deserve this more than I do. D is the mother of three sons, one with profound special needs. S has two young daughters, one of whom was diagnosed with autism. I often crab about various things in my life but compared to the fire-breathing dragons these two battle every day, my problems are the equivalent of a little morning fog. So I organized this trip. Well, I think I was Spirit-led to organize it. God made it happen because there's no way without Him that we could ever have pulled it off.
It is my joy to see it unfold. And my blessing to be around some of the most awesome women I know -- to have the privilege of watching them receive the reunion, renewal and rest they so desire. My heart is very full. My weekend is already made.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Waiting for the Fates
Sun stabbing down in yellow shards
the dust still in my nose and mouth
no relief has come to us
the geese are not yet heading south.
I love the spring, all blues and pinks
the bursting buds and misty rains
and early summer smells like rose
and frosting when I watch the trains.
But now I'm tired and how it drags
the rains have stopped, the grass is burning
seeds and fruit are crushed and rot
and still the trees are not yet turning.
Summer, I don't want you now
I've pulled the welcome mat inside
to wait for fall, for candles, apples
while Lachesis and Atropos decide.
Hmmm, in a weird mood and tired of summer I guess.
the dust still in my nose and mouth
no relief has come to us
the geese are not yet heading south.
I love the spring, all blues and pinks
the bursting buds and misty rains
and early summer smells like rose
and frosting when I watch the trains.
But now I'm tired and how it drags
the rains have stopped, the grass is burning
seeds and fruit are crushed and rot
and still the trees are not yet turning.
Summer, I don't want you now
I've pulled the welcome mat inside
to wait for fall, for candles, apples
while Lachesis and Atropos decide.
Hmmm, in a weird mood and tired of summer I guess.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
The Saudis want to be our Friends
While picking my way along in the land of never-ending road construction this morning, I heard a radio commercial that made me feel as if I'd left Kansas and entered Oz. Or a Jasper Fforde novel.
You can find a copy of the ad I heard here.
The upshot is that, well, the Saudis aren't terrorists, we said so ourselves. They didn't do anything, really. And they want to be friends.
I thought it was a joke. Like if France ran an ad saying "We promise we'll stop talking bad about you so please buy some more wine and cheese."
I wasn't aware it had been done before. Apparently they've been running ads in the US for the last couple of years. Now I'm really, really glad for those annoying tags at the beginning of political commercials. You know the ones ...
I'm the Yorkist Rose and I approve this message.
You can find a copy of the ad I heard here.
The upshot is that, well, the Saudis aren't terrorists, we said so ourselves. They didn't do anything, really. And they want to be friends.
I thought it was a joke. Like if France ran an ad saying "We promise we'll stop talking bad about you so please buy some more wine and cheese."
I wasn't aware it had been done before. Apparently they've been running ads in the US for the last couple of years. Now I'm really, really glad for those annoying tags at the beginning of political commercials. You know the ones ...
I'm the Yorkist Rose and I approve this message.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
oooh, fun toy
Rather than try to put this on my own site, I'll just link this guy's blog to mine. I found this while randomly hitting "next blog" after publishing my own. It fits my poetry theme.
Blogging is such a fascinating phenomenon. So many people with so much to say, crying into the internet wilderness and then sitting, patiently waiting to be heard.
Blogging is such a fascinating phenomenon. So many people with so much to say, crying into the internet wilderness and then sitting, patiently waiting to be heard.
My Psalm
The strength I needed to get through today
was the gift you gave before I woke.
While still in dreams you saw my needs
and bound the fragments before they broke.
At just the moment I felt cleaned out
emptied, fragile and beyond repair
you knit my life and scattered pearls
bright blessings from the empty air.
Some days I thought "Not one more step"
but in the darkest times you led me through
and as I held your hand I watched the skies
as smoke and black gave way to blue.
and the Psalm that inspired it ...
Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD , the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you- the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
was the gift you gave before I woke.
While still in dreams you saw my needs
and bound the fragments before they broke.
At just the moment I felt cleaned out
emptied, fragile and beyond repair
you knit my life and scattered pearls
bright blessings from the empty air.
Some days I thought "Not one more step"
but in the darkest times you led me through
and as I held your hand I watched the skies
as smoke and black gave way to blue.
and the Psalm that inspired it ...
Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD , the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you- the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
Monday, August 16, 2004
First Day of School
There are thoughts which are prayers. There are moments when, whatever the posture of the body, the soul is on its knees. - Victor Hugo
We sent K off to school today. A new experience for me -- and one I didn't imagine I'd ever have at this late date. Nonetheless, there we all were - 2 cars worth of well-wishers, seeing the kid off on her first day of high school in a strange new city. We were like her own personal parade.
K and I spent most of our time in the car praying. We prayed for confidence, peace, joy, blessings in unexpected places, the right kind of friends, for less homework and more fun. We prayed for her friend in another state who is also going to a new school today.
What a privileged people we are: to be able to have a free education, to be able to freely go to God in prayer. And how privileged I am to be able to spend my Monday morning praying with K and seeing her off on the first day of school.
As my day goes on, I'll be spending a large portion of it in meetings. But in the quiet moments I intend to keep praying. Even if it's just a thought, a delicate little soap bubble of prayer that I send her way. I'll keep praying that even now she's being met with kindness, that she's feeling strong and confident. That even if we can't be there, God will be.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
released?
My boss has released me from being nice to a person here who hates me. I'm ashamed to say so, but often our conversations deteriorate into 4th grade bickering matches, loudest person wins. I can not make her like or respect me and I've honestly just been waiting for permission not to have to like her.
Oh...but my Father says I have to love her.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Matthew 5:45-48
No, I guess I am not released.
So, Father God, bless her in her work, in her family and in her faith. Draw her closer to you and wrap her in Your perfect love. And the next time she gossips about me or gives me a hard time, love her even more and help me to do the same.
Oh...but my Father says I have to love her.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Matthew 5:45-48
No, I guess I am not released.
So, Father God, bless her in her work, in her family and in her faith. Draw her closer to you and wrap her in Your perfect love. And the next time she gossips about me or gives me a hard time, love her even more and help me to do the same.
Musical Interlude
I've got this song running through my head -- It won't stop. I guess it's my worship and praise for the day.
There are worse things to have on your interior soundtrack...
SHOW YOU LOVE
speak
and say the words that no one else will ever say
love
love like the world we know is over in a day
Chorus:i'm gonna show you love in every language
i'm gonna speak with words that need no form
i'm gonna give you what you never had before
and you're beautifuland i am weakened by the force of your eyes
so shine bright
to separate the truth from the lies
i'm gonna show you love
[CHORUS]
what you never had before
had before
so tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
no, i won't regret to let love do what love will let
and you can drown in mixed emotions and walk across an angry sea
this is the cost of being free
[CHORUS x 2]
i'm gonna show you love, love in every language
i'm gonna show you love you never had before
i'm gonna show you love, love in every language
i'm gonna show you love you never had before
i'm gonna show you love
Words and music by Dan Haseltine, Charlie Lowell,Stephen Mason, Matt Odmark© 2003 Bridge Building Music, Inc.
Pogostick Music / BMI / All rights administered byBrentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
There are worse things to have on your interior soundtrack...
SHOW YOU LOVE
speak
and say the words that no one else will ever say
love
love like the world we know is over in a day
Chorus:i'm gonna show you love in every language
i'm gonna speak with words that need no form
i'm gonna give you what you never had before
and you're beautifuland i am weakened by the force of your eyes
so shine bright
to separate the truth from the lies
i'm gonna show you love
[CHORUS]
what you never had before
had before
so tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
no, i won't regret to let love do what love will let
and you can drown in mixed emotions and walk across an angry sea
this is the cost of being free
[CHORUS x 2]
i'm gonna show you love, love in every language
i'm gonna show you love you never had before
i'm gonna show you love, love in every language
i'm gonna show you love you never had before
i'm gonna show you love
Words and music by Dan Haseltine, Charlie Lowell,Stephen Mason, Matt Odmark© 2003 Bridge Building Music, Inc.
Pogostick Music / BMI / All rights administered byBrentwood-Benson Music Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Choices
Newsflash from the land of obvious: sometimes, the choices we make are not very good. Last night at 11:30 I basically had to tell oldest daughter A that she made a bad one she's just going to have to live with.
A is currently taking the heat from mom these days since K is safely ensconced with us. A lived with us for a short while back in '98 or '99 and her mom really put the screws to her to get her to go back. She did -- to her everlasting regret. Knowing her relationship with her mom is always on thin ice, when it came time to choose a college, we advised her to go away to school. She refused for reasons I don't think we still really understand. Now in her sophomore year, she has been living in an apartment for the summer and can't afford to stay, nor can we afford to supplement her income. (Much as we'd like to). She has to go back home in 2 weeks. Of course, her mother is quite angry with her for encouraging K to live here and life at their house will not be much fun.
I think the worst thing about being a parent is the point at which you have to give up control and let them fly on their own. This is something we "fringe-parents" (i.e. non-custodial) should be used to. You know the crash is going to happen and you hate to watch it. But it's what we do. Let them go, be there when they fall to earth. Then we dust them off and let them go again. And again. Then one day, they soar.
But it's still knot-in-the-gut awful to have nothing better to say than "I'm sorry" when they have to live with the crummy choices they've made.
I, too, suffer from bad decision making now and then. I too must live with the fruit. Father, have mercy on us both.
Far too often the choices reality proposes are such as to take away one’s taste for choosing.- Jean Rostand
A is currently taking the heat from mom these days since K is safely ensconced with us. A lived with us for a short while back in '98 or '99 and her mom really put the screws to her to get her to go back. She did -- to her everlasting regret. Knowing her relationship with her mom is always on thin ice, when it came time to choose a college, we advised her to go away to school. She refused for reasons I don't think we still really understand. Now in her sophomore year, she has been living in an apartment for the summer and can't afford to stay, nor can we afford to supplement her income. (Much as we'd like to). She has to go back home in 2 weeks. Of course, her mother is quite angry with her for encouraging K to live here and life at their house will not be much fun.
I think the worst thing about being a parent is the point at which you have to give up control and let them fly on their own. This is something we "fringe-parents" (i.e. non-custodial) should be used to. You know the crash is going to happen and you hate to watch it. But it's what we do. Let them go, be there when they fall to earth. Then we dust them off and let them go again. And again. Then one day, they soar.
But it's still knot-in-the-gut awful to have nothing better to say than "I'm sorry" when they have to live with the crummy choices they've made.
I, too, suffer from bad decision making now and then
Far too often the choices reality proposes are such as to take away one’s taste for choosing.- Jean Rostand
Monday, August 09, 2004
Learning Unselfishness
I will admit I'm a late bloomer in many respects. I remember a few years ago that I was mortally offended when someone suggested that people who do not have children are selfish. Now that I'm approaching middle age (or am I there?) , I think that I can now qualify that statement -- a very broad generalization to be sure -- in my own life. It's not that I am selfish, therefore I do not have children. Quite the opposite, actually. My decision was based on the wishes of my childed husband, who didn't want to have his heart broken again by having more kids and then having his second marriage fail. Also, by the time we met, K was just coming out of diapers and he was enjoying the freedom of movement one has when one isn't changing diapers and toting strollers, car seats, diapers bags, blankies and binkies. So I deferred to his wishes -- one of my life's biggest sacrifices and one borne totally out of love for him.
Yet I am selfish. I am used to having my house my way and a great deal of freedom in my schedule. I'm used to having it just be the two of us. I basically do what I want whenever I need to and don't have to worry about doctor appointments, PTA meetings, soccer games, school schedules, lunch money, activity tickets and the like. The flexibility and freedom that are luxuries for other parents have been "neccessities" for us -- we're like a couple used to driving a fast luxury car and can't imagine going back to the stolid family minivan.
K came to live with us yesterday. I think we are all terrified. I know I am. I'm so scared that I'm too selfish, too moody, too perfectionist, too intolerant -- that I won't be able to deliver on all I've promised to God, to T and to her. I'm so proud to be there with her and for her but I'm also tired and whiny. I'm juggling the sick cat, the scared kid, the harried husband, the grocery shopping, the taxes, the housework and a job. I keep having to remind myself that I'm (gulp) now the mom and moms all over the world do this stuff every day. God entrusted me with this girl and gave me a chance to learn how to finally be unselfish and I have to rise to the challenge.
So with 6 hours of sleep and "miles to go before I sleep", my hat off to parents everywhere, biological and otherwise. The responsibility is unfathomable and the rewards are frequently subtle. But the blessing is a relationship that mirrors God and His own Son. Unselfish parenting, unselfish love. Even when it seems impossible.
That which we look on with unselfish love
And true humility is surely ours,
Even as a lake looks at the stars above
And makes within itself a heaven of stars.
-Mary Gardiner Brainard
Please, God, let her see our stars.
Yet I am selfish. I am used to having my house my way and a great deal of freedom in my schedule. I'm used to having it just be the two of us. I basically do what I want whenever I need to and don't have to worry about doctor appointments, PTA meetings, soccer games, school schedules, lunch money, activity tickets and the like. The flexibility and freedom that are luxuries for other parents have been "neccessities" for us -- we're like a couple used to driving a fast luxury car and can't imagine going back to the stolid family minivan.
K came to live with us yesterday. I think we are all terrified. I know I am. I'm so scared that I'm too selfish, too moody, too perfectionist, too intolerant -- that I won't be able to deliver on all I've promised to God, to T and to her. I'm so proud to be there with her and for her but I'm also tired and whiny. I'm juggling the sick cat, the scared kid, the harried husband, the grocery shopping, the taxes, the housework and a job. I keep having to remind myself that I'm (gulp) now the mom and moms all over the world do this stuff every day. God entrusted me with this girl and gave me a chance to learn how to finally be unselfish and I have to rise to the challenge.
So with 6 hours of sleep and "miles to go before I sleep", my hat off to parents everywhere, biological and otherwise. The responsibility is unfathomable and the rewards are frequently subtle. But the blessing is a relationship that mirrors God and His own Son. Unselfish parenting, unselfish love. Even when it seems impossible.
That which we look on with unselfish love
And true humility is surely ours,
Even as a lake looks at the stars above
And makes within itself a heaven of stars.
-Mary Gardiner Brainard
Please, God, let her see our stars.
Friday, August 06, 2004
50 fun facts about the rose
1. I have a 1/2 sister somewhere out there that is only 22 months older. She was relinquished for adoption shortly after birth.
2. We were born in the same hospital in Independence, MO.
3. I am both a stepdaughter and a stepmother.
4. I can bend my thumbs backwards all the way to my wrist.
5. I have an octave + 2 reach on a piano.
6. I have never spent the night in the hospital.
7. I wrote my first poem at 5 and my mother still has it.
8. I have written over 200 poems.
9. I submitted 3 to the Missouri Review for fun when I was laid off 2 years ago. They were rejected.
10. I love visiting touristy places in the off season. Cape Cod in April is amazing.
11. In high school I read several Kurt Vonnegut novels because my teacher said we couldn't unless we had permission from our parents.
12. T and I used to square dance. We were nearly always the youngest couple -- by 40 years.
13. I have lost a cumulative total of 74 pounds on Weight Watchers in 2 attempts.
14. I'm currently maintaining a 40 pound loss.
15. I once had a college class in which we attempted to bend spoons with our minds.
16. I competed in district music contest with vocal solos 3 years in a row in high school.
17. I was vocalist of the year my senior year.
18. I was later told I didn't deserve it and that I sucked.
19. I have never set foot on any other continent.
20. My favorite movie last year was "Love, Actually".
21. There was a rumor that I had an affair with a co-worker, which was completely untrue.
22. I am shy.
23. I also have a big mouth. Go figure.
24. My husband is my best friend.
25. My childhood best friend and I have been friends for 28 years.
26. If I was a dog, I'd be the first one to show my tummy.
27. I'd also bite your hand off if you cornered me.
28. I love bluegrass music.
29. Of 17 cousins, I was the first and maybe the only one to get a 4 yr. college degree.
30. I own 5 watches and don't wear any of them.
31. I love animals, especially kittens and big dogs.
32. My childhood dogs were a Collie and a Great Dane.
33. I can't cook or decorate.
34. I also have no clothing taste.
35. My favorite actor is Colin Firth.
36. One summer when I was laid off I watched A&Es Pride & Predjudice 5 times.
37. I'm a dawdler.
38. I was raised Catholic.
39. I converted/was saved on Christmas Eve several years ago.
40. I was baptised twice - once as a baby and again as an adult.
41. My Aunt and Uncle used to live around the block from Bess Truman.
42. I have an MBA.
43. I love history and architecture.
44. I got a hug from David Cassidy once. He's small and he smells good.
45. My favorite foods all involve cheese.
46. I believe in buying local.
47. I have a rare blood type.
48. I am the height and weight of an average US woman.
49. I'm as NASCAR fan. My favorite drivers are #8, #29, #15 and #49.
50. When I was 10, I followed my mom off a 25 ft. dive platform at a local lake.
2. We were born in the same hospital in Independence, MO.
3. I am both a stepdaughter and a stepmother.
4. I can bend my thumbs backwards all the way to my wrist.
5. I have an octave + 2 reach on a piano.
6. I have never spent the night in the hospital.
7. I wrote my first poem at 5 and my mother still has it.
8. I have written over 200 poems.
9. I submitted 3 to the Missouri Review for fun when I was laid off 2 years ago. They were rejected.
10. I love visiting touristy places in the off season. Cape Cod in April is amazing.
11. In high school I read several Kurt Vonnegut novels because my teacher said we couldn't unless we had permission from our parents.
12. T and I used to square dance. We were nearly always the youngest couple -- by 40 years.
13. I have lost a cumulative total of 74 pounds on Weight Watchers in 2 attempts.
14. I'm currently maintaining a 40 pound loss.
15. I once had a college class in which we attempted to bend spoons with our minds.
16. I competed in district music contest with vocal solos 3 years in a row in high school.
17. I was vocalist of the year my senior year.
18. I was later told I didn't deserve it and that I sucked.
19. I have never set foot on any other continent.
20. My favorite movie last year was "Love, Actually".
21. There was a rumor that I had an affair with a co-worker, which was completely untrue.
22. I am shy.
23. I also have a big mouth. Go figure.
24. My husband is my best friend.
25. My childhood best friend and I have been friends for 28 years.
26. If I was a dog, I'd be the first one to show my tummy.
27. I'd also bite your hand off if you cornered me.
28. I love bluegrass music.
29. Of 17 cousins, I was the first and maybe the only one to get a 4 yr. college degree.
30. I own 5 watches and don't wear any of them.
31. I love animals, especially kittens and big dogs.
32. My childhood dogs were a Collie and a Great Dane.
33. I can't cook or decorate.
34. I also have no clothing taste.
35. My favorite actor is Colin Firth.
36. One summer when I was laid off I watched A&Es Pride & Predjudice 5 times.
37. I'm a dawdler.
38. I was raised Catholic.
39. I converted/was saved on Christmas Eve several years ago.
40. I was baptised twice - once as a baby and again as an adult.
41. My Aunt and Uncle used to live around the block from Bess Truman.
42. I have an MBA.
43. I love history and architecture.
44. I got a hug from David Cassidy once. He's small and he smells good.
45. My favorite foods all involve cheese.
46. I believe in buying local.
47. I have a rare blood type.
48. I am the height and weight of an average US woman.
49. I'm as NASCAR fan. My favorite drivers are #8, #29, #15 and #49.
50. When I was 10, I followed my mom off a 25 ft. dive platform at a local lake.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Conversation with Jesus
rose: Hi Jesus it’s me.
J: Hi, kid, how you doing?
rose: uh, well, not that good. Jesus, I’m a lousy person. I keep trying to do better with that but I just keep slipping back to my old ways. I’m despicable, really. A grade -A- b!itch. I think snotty thoughts, I say catty things. I have a little bit of a temper. Yesterday I threw cheese at my husband.
J: Yeah, that’s a tough one. I know how you are. Sometimes you seem to do better but can you answer me honestly? Are you just keeping up appearances for me?
rose: you, yes and the people at church. If they saw the real me, they’d be appalled.
J: Rose, if you saw the real them, you’d be appalled, too.
rose: Jesus, how come we can’t always be good? I do love you. Why can't I act like it?
J: Our Father gave you free will. He didn’t want robots. And you're human. Humans mess up.
rose: But look at us! Look at our world! Why wouldn’t He want to create something perfect?
J: He wanted to create something free. Only a creature with complete free will can really know love. He wanted to be loved the way He loves you.
rose: Hmmm. So no help with the B!tch thing, huh?
J: Hey kid, I’ll help you -- but you have to do the heavy lifting.
"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us." (Acts 17:26-27 NIV)
J: Hi, kid, how you doing?
rose: uh, well, not that good. Jesus, I’m a lousy person. I keep trying to do better with that but I just keep slipping back to my old ways. I’m despicable, really. A grade -A- b!itch. I think snotty thoughts, I say catty things. I have a little bit of a temper. Yesterday I threw cheese at my husband.
J: Yeah, that’s a tough one. I know how you are. Sometimes you seem to do better but can you answer me honestly? Are you just keeping up appearances for me?
rose: you, yes and the people at church. If they saw the real me, they’d be appalled.
J: Rose, if you saw the real them, you’d be appalled, too.
rose: Jesus, how come we can’t always be good? I do love you. Why can't I act like it?
J: Our Father gave you free will. He didn’t want robots. And you're human. Humans mess up.
rose: But look at us! Look at our world! Why wouldn’t He want to create something perfect?
J: He wanted to create something free. Only a creature with complete free will can really know love. He wanted to be loved the way He loves you.
rose: Hmmm. So no help with the B!tch thing, huh?
J: Hey kid, I’ll help you -- but you have to do the heavy lifting.
"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us." (Acts 17:26-27 NIV)
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
The Cedar Chest
Note: I think hope chests are a lovely tradition that's been lost to my generation. I plan to put chests together for both of my DSDs.
"I have treasures," you laughed,
holding your life out to me
with both hands.
Names and dates, faintly familiar
faces in tintype and black and white,
pressed flowers.
"My beautiful baby girl," you said
and you touched my face, then
wiped one tear.
We unpacked all afternoon, you
peeling back yellowed tissue,
while I watched.
Your story was not in this hope chest
but in the hope you held for me,
your last girl.
Their hope was in me, too, the idea of me
becoming someone worthy, so
they'd live on.
And now you have one foot on the path,
to follow them down -- and you will
not come back.
Don't go, not yet. Sit here with me, unfolding
your lifetime, while we laugh and talk
in memories.
"I have treasures," you laughed,
holding your life out to me
with both hands.
Names and dates, faintly familiar
faces in tintype and black and white,
pressed flowers.
"My beautiful baby girl," you said
and you touched my face, then
wiped one tear.
We unpacked all afternoon, you
peeling back yellowed tissue,
while I watched.
Your story was not in this hope chest
but in the hope you held for me,
your last girl.
Their hope was in me, too, the idea of me
becoming someone worthy, so
they'd live on.
And now you have one foot on the path,
to follow them down -- and you will
not come back.
Don't go, not yet. Sit here with me, unfolding
your lifetime, while we laugh and talk
in memories.
Monday, August 02, 2004
The Mystery Bruise
I was going to write something about domestic violence after Patrick Holland finally secured his freedom from his murdering scumbag of a father but I thought it was a bit heavy for this blog. This morning, I clicked on my home page to see pictured of Paris Hilton with bruises on her face and arms and it made me think again about writing something down.
For 2 years I volunteered inside a battered women's shelter. It gave me some perspective on physical abuse that maybe other people don't have. For instance, many people blithely ask, "Why doesn't she (or he) just leave?" Maybe because when domestic violence escalates, it can end in death. Abusers can and do often stalk their victims and harm those close to the victim (including children). After all, Liz Holland left her abuser.
Others may ask, "Why would they be with that person in the first place?" A lot of abuse doesn't begin until after the relationship is established -- sometimes after marriage, sometimes when a woman becomes pregnant. Most often the physical abuse comes on the heels of a long period of verbal and emotional abuse. By that time, the abused person feels, worthless, stupid, hopeless and helpless. If it's a male, he feels completely humiliated, emasculated and that he's a failure as a man.
So, back to Paris. Maybe people would like to believe that she just got into a chick fight -- that her celebrity ex couldn't have done that to her. I don't know what happened -- only she knows the truth. But let's entertain the thought for a moment ... what if he did? It's possible, since this kind of violence has nothing whatsoever to do with economics, social status, education or being "nice". There are a lot of people out there - smart, rich, educated, talented, strong people- who are hurting other or being hurt themselves. Domestic violence may hit the papers now and then -- after a celebrity gets arrested or hurt, perhaps. Yet the trend toward solving the issue is either to politicize or let it fade out of our view until the next headline. We've made laws that abuse is illegal but we don't or can't enforce them.
Domestic violence is a real problem that needs to be addressed in a real way, not with mudslinging, finger pointing, tabloid stories, accusations, referendums and competing statistics. I'll bet you know someone who's been hurt -- really hurt. Unfortunately I know a few someones, both male and female. Yet a large portion of society's response to the mystery bruise is denial, derision and finally, dismissal. We're a world of monkeys with our hands over our eyes. But what we don't see can and does hurt. Every day. Maybe we need to think about that the next time someone we know comes up with a big black and blue mark they can't explain away.
Personally, I'm combatting this the only way I know how: to educate my girls and make sure that they know that hitting is NOT OK and how a potential abuser may behave. I want them to know that bad tempers are dangerous, not sexy and that jealousy is destructive, not cute. I will reinforce their worth as human beings. I will always be there and I will never, never ignore the mystery bruise.
For 2 years I volunteered inside a battered women's shelter. It gave me some perspective on physical abuse that maybe other people don't have. For instance, many people blithely ask, "Why doesn't she (or he) just leave?" Maybe because when domestic violence escalates, it can end in death. Abusers can and do often stalk their victims and harm those close to the victim (including children). After all, Liz Holland left her abuser.
Others may ask, "Why would they be with that person in the first place?" A lot of abuse doesn't begin until after the relationship is established -- sometimes after marriage, sometimes when a woman becomes pregnant. Most often the physical abuse comes on the heels of a long period of verbal and emotional abuse. By that time, the abused person feels, worthless, stupid, hopeless and helpless. If it's a male, he feels completely humiliated, emasculated and that he's a failure as a man.
So, back to Paris. Maybe people would like to believe that she just got into a chick fight -- that her celebrity ex couldn't have done that to her. I don't know what happened -- only she knows the truth. But let's entertain the thought for a moment ... what if he did? It's possible, since this kind of violence has nothing whatsoever to do with economics, social status, education or being "nice". There are a lot of people out there - smart, rich, educated, talented, strong people- who are hurting other or being hurt themselves. Domestic violence may hit the papers now and then -- after a celebrity gets arrested or hurt, perhaps. Yet the trend toward solving the issue is either to politicize or let it fade out of our view until the next headline. We've made laws that abuse is illegal but we don't or can't enforce them.
Domestic violence is a real problem that needs to be addressed in a real way, not with mudslinging, finger pointing, tabloid stories, accusations, referendums and competing statistics. I'll bet you know someone who's been hurt -- really hurt. Unfortunately I know a few someones, both male and female. Yet a large portion of society's response to the mystery bruise is denial, derision and finally, dismissal. We're a world of monkeys with our hands over our eyes. But what we don't see can and does hurt. Every day. Maybe we need to think about that the next time someone we know comes up with a big black and blue mark they can't explain away.
Personally, I'm combatting this the only way I know how: to educate my girls and make sure that they know that hitting is NOT OK and how a potential abuser may behave. I want them to know that bad tempers are dangerous, not sexy and that jealousy is destructive, not cute. I will reinforce their worth as human beings. I will always be there and I will never, never ignore the mystery bruise.
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