Pictures Don't Lie

I attended an event this weekend where my photo was taken unawares. No poses, no self editing, no chance to stand at a more flattering angle. It let me see the truth of how I look, even after a loss of 40 pounds. I wish this truth wasn't so... true.

OK, Well... back the truck up a bit. I HAD lost nearly 50 pounds. I was at goal and feeling and looking pretty good. A few have snuck back on. How many I really can't say ... for sure. 10?

But judge for yourself. Is this a thin person? Sadly, no. Even in my size 8 shorts I still look like a corn-fed heifer. A proper little hausfrau. I hate that.

The deal with my weight is that I play this game, called "It's Not So Bad". I suck my stomach in really hard, turn in the mirror to find the best angle, ignore the tighter items of clothing in my closet and tell myself I'm still a size 8, maybe 10. It's not so bad to be a size 10. Or 12. Hey, 12 is average. Then I have a piece of cake. Or a donut. In fact in this very picture I had a sandwich, some slaw and beans. Then I had a brownie, peach cobbler, candy, a donut and whatever else I ate I may have blocked out in my total shame.

I feel depressed, out of control and a little lost. I worry about my bad behavior and wonder how I can model healthy attitudes toward food for my struggling teenage stepdaughter when I have such a tenuous hold myself. 100 years ago I could have strapped myself in to a corset and looked pretty fine. Today we don't have those kinds of zaftig-friendly garments. Of course if I was wearing a corset, it would also be much harder to eat. And breathe.

I guess I'll have to do it on my own. Say, 20 pounds worth? Pictures don't lie.