Food Fight

I've been fighting with food for 25 years and sometimes I think the food is winning.

I've been as low as 121 lbs., as high as 189. I've been to gyms, nutritionists and Weight Watchers. I have tried Slim Fast and some diet with green beans and beets.

Most of the time, I stubbornly insist on eating what I want. I have a great sense of entitlement about all food. Food is my reward and I deserve every bite. Lately I have rewarded myself in to a larger size pair of jeans. I'm shocked at myself when I look in the mirror. It scares me to see how willing those little fat cells are to fill out again -- to make the slimmer hips and flatter stomach fuller, softer and more plush. Apparently fat cells have memory.

I decided yesterday that I needed to get serious and get back on my 20 point Weight Watchers routine. Am I hungry? Oh, holy cow I am hungry. I want cookies, chocolates, pretzels, chocolate covered pretzels, ice cream, whatever I can jam in my face. But on the flip side, there's a purity in being hungry. There's a thin feeling I get when I'm anticipating the next meal. It's like I can feel myself burning fat. I feel more alive, sharper, more alert. Being hungry makes me feel less stupid. In a way, being a little hungry feels good. Is that messed up? I don't know. I think there's a balance I need to find-- because there are days when being just-got-back-from-the-buffet full feels pretty great too.

I wonder how long I can do the 20 point days before I cave in and eat like a wild coyote? Which bait is more tempting, the new 2 piece swim suit for my beach vacation or the freedom to say yes to the next glass of wine or piece of peach cobbler? We shall see...