Grouchy Poetry Day

Be warned: it's grouchy poetry day. My poetry isn't especially good when I'm in a happy mood. But mix one part Monday, 5 hours of sleep, PMS and cold feet and what you get is even worse than usual...

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It's hard to go around the next corner
when each turn seems to take me
further away from where I want to be.

I thought you were right behind me
but somehow you got ahead
and now you're completely out of sight.

If you are going to keep on lying to me
stick the blade straight in and twist
fast so dying comes before I can think.

Stop, I want to get off

If my life was "The Zipper" I would say this ride is dumb. It is like I waited in line forever, all hyped up on adrenaline and caramel apples with chocolate drizzles and extra pecans -- only to throw it all up 45 seconds in. Now I have to finish the stupid ride all gross and icky and sick.

If life was a rollercoaster I would say it's too damn rough. It looked fun from the ground but when I actually get on it whips my neck and makes my butt hurt.

My life is artificial trying to be real. It's a sunburn on a high humidity day when all you wanted was to have some fun but somehow, everything's gone wrong.

I keep hoping that if I just hang in there I will get to enjoy the cool of the evening, holding hands with my love and maybe, just maybe, some fireworks and a deep sleep with wonderful dreams.

blogger as metaphor for life

About once or twice a year I get to messing around with my template while doing something simple (like a hedgehog weight tracker) and I lose all my formatting for blogger.

Lately I've gotten a little smarter and figured out how to save most of the good stuff and patch everything together quickly.

This is my life. Screw up. Fix. Start Over. Screw up. Fix. Start Over.

You have the right to ... oh, nevermind

I am very interested in the anti-smoking employment policies being instituted at many companies -- basically if you smoke anywhere, any time, you can be fired. Companies such as Weyco, Investors Property Management Inc., Schweitzer Engineering Laboratories and most notably, Scotts Miracle Grow have instituted "smoke and be fired" policies for all their employees.

Other companies refuse to hire smokers and a few have had these policies in the past and quietly dropped them: CNN, for instance.

I could go on and on about what an incredible infringement on our personal rights this policy is. About how if they say you can't smoke, what about drinking? Overeating? Skydiving? Having sex with the scary girl you picked up in a bar the night before? I could but I won't. Because here's the thing. If you're in a state that is employment at-will (and most are) you can be fired for holding your tongue wrong while using a yo-yo. Or any other stupid thing, so long as there isn't a statute that says it's illegal (like gender, age, religion, ethnicity). People can and do get fired for being too fat. People can and do get fired for buying a competitive product.

So just assume that you have no work rights.

That is my soap-box for today. Thank you.

PSA

Folks on the weight watchers boards are fond of posts that have the heading "PSA". It's what they do when they just want to rant a little bit about something that has really bothered them. I don't want to rant and rave or cry or anything. I'm tired of the sound of my own voice. I just want to say today I feel a little fragile. Be gentle with me please.

Aqualung (aka Matt Hales) said it best:

This is not the time to wonder why
Just let the heart and mind
Be still for just some time
This is the time for the rest
Just let it go
You know its for the best
If you're fragile,and if you're delicate
Take my hand but be gentle with me please

Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please

This is not the time to compromise
if you're feeling it too
Then you've realised
This is the time for a change
Yes you know it's true
Deep down within you
If you're fragile,and if you're delicate
Take my hand but be gentle with me please

Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please
Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please
But be gentle with me please
If you're fragile,and if you're delicate
Take my hand but be gentle with me please
Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please
Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please
be gentle with me please
be gentle with me please
be gentle with me please

Is it just me?

Or does January seem like the longest month of the year? Dear Lord when will it ever end?

I hate January with a passion usually reserved for the DMV and the dentist's chair. This one has been very mild but today when I got in the car it was dark, gloomy, drizzly, nasty and all together the kind of day where I'd like to go lay on the couch and watch bad Lifetime movies. It's supposed to snow later on.

I'm thinking of making it a Blockbuster weekend. I'm thinking I'd like to eat everything in sight. I'm also thinking that K's P.E. teacher is a sadist who enjoys punishing his students. She showed me the exercises they do in class and 3 days later I still hurt.

I'm thinking I need to quit goofing around and get some work done so maybe this day -- and the 11 left in this month -- will go a little faster. I'm ready for spring.

House of Geriatric Pets

I have a neighbor that used to be quite a collector of aged animals. She had, at one time, 2 antique poodles, an 18 year old deaf and blind cat and another dog in the backyard that was well past his prime. Since then I think all of her critters have died, to be replaced by other, presumably younger, models.

I think I've taken her place.

It is a sad fact of life that Abby the famous D-O-G (famous because she appears in the EMT Spray packaging at the top) can no longer make the "big loop" around our neighborhood without showing a very pronounced limp. T and I realized last night that her days of long walks with mom and dad are, indeed, finally over. My poor girl. We have grown older and fatter together, unfortunately her more so than I. This same gimp also affects Dusty, or Fatboy, as we like to call him around home. His jumper doesn't quite jump and he's got a definite hitch in his giddyup. KC, the oldest of the batch, still hops around like the superfit feline she is (even with questionable kidneys) and Penny, the baby of the bunch, hasn't slowed down at all.

The "people ages" of the critters in my household:
KC (cat): 73
Abby (dog): 70
Dusty (cat): 63
Penny (dog): 55-60

I'm the like the Denny's of animal care. The only sobering thought is that I fear that they will all go at once... except for Penny who will live forever, unless she sneaks out the gate and is flattened by a UPS truck. (She hates UPS trucks). I am afloat in a sea of Senior formula dog and cat food, treats for grungy teeth and glucosamine. But I am completely surrounded by furry soldiers of love, my aging but dedicated army of bodyguards. Lucky me.

what I had for lunch

There's something weirdly empowering about eating a predator for lunch.

I had a business lunch at my favorite Spanish restaurant and the fish special was Mako Shark.

Cool.

Having eaten Morcilla in Murcia (hahahaha!) I now feel emboldened to eat all kinds of new unusual stuff. It was good shark too, very mild and firm. Plus, it was SHARK. How cool is that?

On a completely unrelated note (and maybe TMI but it's my blog and I'll be strange if I want to), I have decided to go "under the knife" or should that be "under the laser" to have a venous lake removed from my lower lip. This is a disturbing blue vein that grew on my lip basically overnight some years ago. I have been very nervous about having anyone do stuff with needles or lasers near my face but after having a chat with a cosmetic surgery place it turns out that it's no big whoop and won't even require a numbing cream. Just a few zaps and $50 and I never have to have anyone ask me again if I've been chewing on a blue ink pen. Yay.

OK, maybe I'm feeling a little goofy today....

The cleaning lady

I had a cleaning lady a few years ago when I was in graduate school and working full time -- I had simply run out of time to do all of the things I needed to do. For $50 (she was inexpensive and my house was small) it seemed like a bargain to have someone come and scrub the floors and chase my dust bunnies. Also our cleaning lady was a friend and the wife of a church elder. For $50 she cleaned: for free she prayed and blessed while she did it.

On the flip side, I have been someone else's cleaning lady -- although mostly just empty rental property and the occasional helping hand for a friend. Cleaning houses is very hard and surprisingly intimate. There's no way you can scrub someone's kitchens and bathrooms and bedrooms and not know them in a very personal way. You learn their habits, their weaknesses, their likes and dislikes, the books they read, the foods they eat. You see but you try not to. It's like overhearing a confession or reading a diary. Your cleaning lady knows you in ways you probably don't want to think about, believe me.

One pretty fall day I spent a significant portion of my morning on my hands and knees scrubbing floors. It took a long time and it involved some not insignificant physical pain, as my softy office knees aren't used to that sort of business. After finishing, I stood up, bloody-knuckled, flushed and sweaty, pfff-ed the stray hair off my face and bragged to my mother (who is a cleaning lady full time and then some and had been cleaning circles around me all morning) about how beautiful it was. She said, "Yes, I do that every week. It's the only way to get a really clean floor." Well, the idea of my 59 year old rheumatoid arthritic mother on her hands and knees scrubbing floors really popped my bubble. I hated to think about her doing that and at the same time I realized that I really hadn't done anything special myself.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't pity her... but I really respect her. Mom is usually happy cleaning and has augmented her earnings or made her living for 40 years by straightening up someone's mess. I understand why she likes it-- I do too. I like the pop of a fresh sheet as I make the bed, the faint smell of bleach on my hands. I like the order and comfort of a clean room. It doesn't have to be antiseptically clean, just ordinary clean and clutter free. If I've done something really big like a basement or garage I'll sometimes go in to that room again and again just to enjoy the difference between before and after. In my own house I light scented candles in each room as I finish it... I don't know why, other than it's just part of my ritual.

There is one difference between me and a real cleaning lady though. I choose to do it -- I don't need to pay my bills this way. If I had to do it day in and day out to put food on the table I'm sure I would feel differently. I never see a cleaning person without thinking of my mother and my own reddened knees and raw hands from scrubbing floors. To this day, I always smile and say hello to the office cleaning people, the hotel cleaning staff, the people spraying sanitizer in the public restrooms and scooping paper off the tables in the food court. They work hard and they keep many secrets. They clean up my mess and then they go home to do it all over in their own homes. The least they deserve is my appreciation and my respect.

playlist part 2

Well, I haven't figured out how to burn the cd's yet but I downloaded some stuff for my mixes:

Time to Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman
Copperline - James Taylor
Don'cha - Pussycat Dolls/Busta Rhymes
What You Waitin' For - Gwen Stefani
Soft Place to Fall - Allison Moorer
Come A Little Closer - Dierks Bentley
Love Is Here to Stay - Harry Connick Jr.
Take Your Mama Out - Scissor Sisters
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong - Spin Doctors
Only Happy When It Rains - Garbage
If She Knew What She Wants - Bangles
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
I Melt With You - Modern English
Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction
Clocks - Coldplay
Who'll Stop the Rain - CCR
Twenty Years and Two Husbands Ago - LeeAnn Womack
Rain King - Counting Crows
Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles
Pictures of You - The Cure
Where It's At - Beck
Groove is in the Heart - Dee-Lite
Down on the Corner - CCR
Tim McGraw - Just to See You Smile
Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley/Alison Krauss
It Ain't Me Babe - Joaquin Phoenix/Reese Witherspoon
The Dance - Garth Brooks
Freedom 90- George Michael
Hey Ya - OutKast

I grabbed the wrong Alanis Morrissette, which bums me out, but I'll fix it later. I'm still trying to figure out why Nero won't burn the cd right. Like all technology, I never read the instructions, I just get in there and push some buttons and stuff and see what happens. In the meantime I can listen to my playlist from Windows Media Player and the one working (tinny) speaker I have. Nothing like chair dancing to the Pussycat Dolls while writing catalog copy....

mix mania

I'm all in to the college era mix "tape" (OK it's a cd) at the moment. It's really just a poor substitute for the iPod I wanted but decided I shouldn't buy. So I made one CD which I am very satisfied with and am choosing songs for another.

cd #1

1. Aqualung - Brighter than Sunshine
2. Ben Folds - Landed
3. Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter
4. Coldplay - Speed of Sound
5. Duran Duran - Ordinary World
6. Elton John - Tiny Dancer
7. Foo Fighters - Best of You
8. Josh Groban - Remember When it Rained
9. Kelly Clarkson - Miss Independent
10. Lee Ann Womack - I May Hate Myself in the Morning
11. Los Lonely Boys - Heaven
12. Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get it Started
13. Tim McGraw - She's My Kind of Rain
14. Joaquin Phoenix - Get Rhythm (from "Walk the Line")

so cd #2 and 2 1/2 might include:

1. Alanis Morrissette - Thank You
2. CCR- Who'll Stop the Rain
3. CCR - Down on the Corner
4. Counting Crows - The Rain King
5. The Cure - Pictures of You (thanks Kodak commercial)
6. Beck - Where It's At
7. Brad Paisley (w/ Alison Krauss) - Whiskey Lullaby
8. Lee Ann Womack - 20 Years and 2 Husbands Ago
9. Gwen Stefani - What are You Waiting For
10. Outkast - Hey Ya
11. Pussycat Dolls - that girlfriend song, I can't remember the title
12. James Taylor - Copperline
13. couple more Tim McGraw

I dunno, there's a few more but I can't remember what I picked and I can't look at it right now. I'm just looking for more suggestions 'cause there's a thousand songs I like but I can't ever remember who sings them or if I do, what the title was.

What are some of your favorite songs for a mix cd?

motivation

It's official. My life has passed into the pleasant state of "too boring to blog about". And I don't like starting a bunch of crap about politics or religion -- the only blogs out there more boring than mine are the ones who rattle on about Bush. Waaaah. Move to Cuba.

So I can only blog about my "diet". Sorry.

The WW thing is going surprisingly well. I wish I knew what this mysterious source of "motivation" is that causes me to up-n-make up my mind to lose the weight. I've done it twice already, which means I am disciplined enough but also a little bit stupid since I lose all the weight and then gain it back. And it isn't just a one-off orgy at Sheridan's that does it. It's a persistent but unrealistic belief that I can eat whatever I want, whenever the mood strikes me. And never exercise.

Mostly I think my motivation is coming from a deep degree of self-loathing for the way I look and owning a closetful of pants I can't wear. I should be forced to shop and try things on in a 3-way mirror every day until I get back to 135#.

I could say my motivation is all about how I want to get healthy and live a clean life -- but that's not it either, although I do find that I'm in such awful shape that certain things are becoming harder. This weekend I was trying to help T carry out our smoker, which is a monster stainless cabinet cooker that weighs maybe 125#. I tried to step down while walking backwards out of the garage, turned my ankle and went down like a punch-drunk prize fighter. I'm no longer allowed to walk backwards while carrying stuff, which, while it shouldn't, does in fact make me mad. And I swear that thing is getting heavier every time we put it back in the garage.

It's hard to admit I've got a problem. A food problem. I love it and it loves me, as evidenced by the fact that it stays with me long after I've consumed it. I have an unhealthy attitude about food and how it makes me feel, which is "better", that is, until I've eaten. I dream of all things salty, creamy, cheesy and chocolatey. Also crunchy and chewy. I'm making my own mouth water just writing all this down. Food IS my drug. Yet I still feel the motivation -- the drive to get the weight off. To feel the way I felt when I could suck in real hard and actually see my ribcage. To walk around in a pair of baggy jeans and have some people tell me my britches are too big and I should go buy something that fits. Ha! What an awesome thing to hear! That's a pretty good source of motivation, come to think of it. But no, I think the real source of my motivation is the perverse need to prove myself right. I said I'd lose the weight -- I said it aloud to someone who doesn't live in my house. If I don't do it, why then I'd be wrong. Can't have that! So, must lose. Must be right.

Wherever it comes from, I'm glad I've got it back.

And even so, I'm still thinking how good cannoli sounds.

silliness

make your own South Park character

hope everyone has a good weekend. All 2 of you.

so much for not being obsessed

Third day on plan. Food I haven't eaten:

french fries
whatever food was in the kitchen at work (pannettone I think)
cheese, croutons and more dressing on my salad
a second slice of T's meatloaf
Russell Stover's chocolates

Food I have eaten:
T's very good meatloaf
one chocolate covered cherry
smoked trout
mock mashed "potatoes" made with cauliflower (yum)
dilled potatoes and carrots (also yum)

I regret now that I don't have the ability to go to a fitness center but maybe when they finish the new "Y" we'll get a family membership. I also regret that it takes so long to plan and track and that even after I said I would not get on the scale every day, I did it anyway. (for the record, I'm down .2!)

I went back to see how much weight I'd lost last time in the first 4 months and I was surprised to see it was about 18#. I could feel almost normal again if I could get there by our trade show in Vegas, which is in May.

There is no way I can do this and not be completely obsessed by it. This is going to be a seriously dull blog.

But I really want to get the weight off ... and when I do I'm buying something from here.

let it begin

My, what a difference 24 months makes. The pic on top was taken in November, in size 12 pants. That other one is me feeling pretty sassy in size 6 pants, 2 years ago. I've posted the skinny pic before and sworn to the heavens that I would get back there again. This time I'm not kidding. If you care to follow the bouncing ball, I'll post updates from time to time and try not to seem really, really obsessed about it -- even though I will be. Before long I'll be walking and drinking water and freaking about points like a junkie worrying over her next fix. It's how I get. But it would be worth it, just to feel that way again -- the way I felt when he took that picture.

I can do it, I know I can. Bring it on.

family

Family is a complicated thing. There is the one you're born in to, in which many of us may never feel completely at ease. Then there is the one we create either by marriage or by long friendship -- that one always seems the better fit. Both you love.

When families break there is a sound and a feeling: a long rumble of distant thunder, a static electric shock, a deep ache in your bones like you've been kicked. There is that move to make people you once loved deeply into enemies. It is forcible removal by violence, like having a tooth pulled with pliers and no novacaine.

I have been in right in the middle of a broken family more than once. The pain was so profound that I never thought about anyone else's but my own-- I simply kept my head down and plodded on until it didn't hurt anymore, which was a really long time. I didn't realize that it must have hurt the people who had to watch me go through it. In the last year I've had cause to be a witness to other breaks that are not mine. In truth I think I would rather be hurt myself than have to stand by while people I care about suffer. It is a misery I would give anything to be able to fix.

I'm reading "A Million Little Pieces" and coincidentally I saw James Frey on a re-run of Oprah last night while I was taking down our Christmas stuff. She asked him about having dental surgery with no pain killers and he said (and I paraphrase): "I would rather suffer physical pain than have my heart broken again, because physical pain is fleeting but emotional pain stays."

I think I get that.