manicurious

Last night as my friend and I wandered the mall (another old friend voting for the semi-drama queen description, dear me) we went in to Aveda. Aveda was pretty hoppin' -- there were makeup consultations and hand massages going on all over the place. The consultant asked if I'd like a hand massage and I declined, self-conscious about my gnarly hands, broken nails and ... well ... being touched. I love hugs. I live for T to brush back a strand of hair or touch my cheek. I wait a long time for those things to happen because they don't often. But the longer I live my life the more I find myself shrinking back from being touched by other people! It's so strange, I feel such a rush of gratitude and relief when someone does but I have become very shy about expressing that one need out loud. And that is such a lonely feeling. Hard shells are neat for M&Ms, not not people. The other day a co-worker and I were discussing manicures. At first he joked about how he and another friend should hire a manicurist to come at 4:30 a.m. to the hotel we were at (I am decidedly not a morning person). Then we saw a place in the mall we were at and he kept saying "let's just go look". I refused. I don't even know why. I'm manicurious -- but afraid to be touched. Lonely but mostly unhugged. Would love a massage, a pedicure, a facial -- but intimidated by people in my space. I kept the raincheck from Aveda. One day soon I plan to use it.