September 10, 2007

Doin' Time at Leavenworth

Well, we headed to Ft. Leavenworth Friday night for the Riverside Resources fundraiser competition. Never in our short cooking career have we had so much go wrong in so little time. So much that I started keeping a list.

We got there at 10 minutes to 7 only to discover the cook's meeting had been moved to 7 instead of 8. It took over 10 minutes just to figure out where to put the Mallard. Then when we tried to level it, we couldn't because of the slope of the hill we were on. But we had electricity! Only, no adaptor for our plug. Then while we're trying to figure that out, the organizer comes over to do our meat inspection. The meat was still in the cooler, next to the front door of our HOUSE. Along with our sauce and chicken marinade. By now, we're starting to attract sympathetic stares and offers of spare meat. Tim's furious and we're both starving. At 7:30 we unhitch the Mallard and I head for home to pick up an adaptor, the meat cooler and chairs.

2 miles east of Leavenworth, on the way back, I attracted the most unwanted attention of a Platte County Sheriff -- 73 in a 55, $125 ticket and a lecture about deer in the dark.

After a fun frisking by the MPs I get back to deliver food, the adaptor, the meat -- but no chairs. My very put out darling had long since lost his sense of humor and we completed our long night by quietly going to work and ignoring each other as much as possible.

Next morning dawns and most everything ended up slightly overdone and falling apart again - great for a backyard but crap for competition. The gloom started settling over both of us at awards. Nothing for chicken, ribs or pork. A pitiful 9th for brisket. But surprise of surprises... with only one sad little call we finished 5th!!!! A 623, our highest cumulative score ever!

Also I saved out 2 pieces of the frozen chocolate pie (above) I turned in for the dessert category. It got high marks but still finished 14/20 -- it's hard to screw up a dessert so everyone's scores are pretty high. We savored our pie and our 5th place and packed it in for another week.

One more competition to go... Atchison is next weekend. We'll judge at Shawnee, but no more cooking. After next week we hang up our aprons until spring so we don't have any competitions overlapping the arrival of the new grandbaby.

September 17, 2007

Atchison Contest and the sad decline of my cranium

Because T and I are so competitive, it was neccessary for him to enter his own dessert this week -- his favorite cream cheese pie, the one that he used to "woo" me. I like this best with cherries and he prefers blueberries but we decided for competition to try peaches.

We headed to Atchison (with the meat, this time) and as usual, were the last ones in. We made it for the cook's meeting but got in to a land dispute with our neighbor (the organizers assigned us to the same spot) and ended up having to rehitch and move. The rest of the weekend went really well. Our schedule was relaxed, our boxes all looked nice and our neighbors were fun. At awards, Tim won FIRST PLACE in dessert, right off the bat! Then a call for 9th place chicken and I thought "Oh wow, we're on it". But no, the pork and brisket tanked and the ribs only finished 12th.

Now we have a long winter to rethink our strategies for next spring. We judge next Saturday and then go racing at the end of the month. Then a little fall camping and another year gone by.

The BBQ circuit is a killer but by the time we go to awards I get so pumped that I start planning for the next one. It's sick, really.

Sunday we went to Worlds of Fun with Karissa & Alex. No lines, cool weather, a little rain but not too much... should have been perfect. But turns out that in my advancing age, I have become motion sick on not only spinning things but also the rollercoasters. Nevertheless I gutted my way through the Patriot, the Mamba, and the Boomerang before finally resigning myself to bumper cars only. I am old and now, really, really lame to boot. At least there are no rides at the Renaissance Festival. And next weekend I get to judge someone else's BBQ for a change. Ha! Take that!

September 17, 2007

sexaaaaaay

Why oh why would my husband INSIST that I change clothes on Saturday morning (at contest) when I was so comfortable?

Could it be that I was dressed like a character from a Dr. Suess book?

He doesn't like my pants. I do. They are like t-shirts for your legs.

September 15, 2007

bitch session

I must be more specific when I go to get my hair cut. Turns out that there was a pretty big difference between "cut" and "trim". I was delighted for the first two hours, now I am just pissed. It will not do anything cute. I look vaguely like an extra fat news anchor.

On that note, am struggling to get back in the good graces of the Weight Watchers gods. 4 days on the road is making it extremely tough...

also, apparently fever blisters only come when I travel. At least this time it's only one. I popped $17 for the Abreva, let's pray I don't look like I have leprosy by tomorrow.

Time to go have mocktails with the customer, with my misspelled name badge.

"Michelle"

READ the NUMBERS!!

Not 4, not 5, but 16. I'm throwing them all on here, what the hell.

knotty girl (photo removed, sorry)

This is the picture I'm sending in for the Nat'l Association of Farm Broadcasters flyer. I'm supposed to take part in a speakers panel at their national convention in November. I feel seriously outclassed. I don't know why, I can bullshit a resume as well as anyone but every time I think about appearing as an authority for anything other than say, bbq or getting oil stains out of a blouse, I panic. My stomach goes all in knots.

Don't get me wrong. It's an honor. But I can't help feeling it should belong to someone else.

By the way, it took 20 attempts to get a picture that minimized my chins.

last of the old posts

Number 571

http://www.nationalbbqrankings.com/

As of October 9, we were ranked #571 on the national barbecue rankings. It doesn't sound that impressive until you know that there are 1300 teams on the list. If that's what one little 5th place finish can do, imagine next year when we come out swinging and pick up our first Grand Championship!

And for the record, a GC is the ONLY way I'll be competing in the American Royal. Not that it's not kinda fun but I'm not much of a partier and last Friday night was like one giant mosh pit of drunk yuppies in their fake Western finest. AND I saw what may only be described as the grossest thing I'VE ever witnessed (and that includes cancer surgery on a horse's eyeball) -- a woman sitting down in a lawn chair after launching her BBQ tidbits all over herself, her lap, her clothes, her hair, the ground. 4 years at Mizzou and I never saw so much vomit. Ugh.

I just want to cook where the teams are serious, not seriously screwed up.

And what a load of fun I am, huh?

OK, there were actually 5 and this is #4

Stupidly in Love

Look at her, her little peanutty excellence. She is the most perfect thing I ever saw. I am stupidly in love with this child, with her mom and dad and with my husband for giving me this chance to be a mana and now, a nana.

Under these circumstances no one would need drugs. Just having her tiny hand grab my finger like she's urgently trying to tell me something ("PUT ME BACK IN!" perhaps?) makes me dizzy.

The girl who rocks my world was born Sunday morning weighing in at a whopping 6.3 lbs, 18 1/2" long. Her mom was a soldier throughout a very difficult and drug free labor (she's pretty amazing her own self).

She's a tiny girl in a great big world with a posse of crazy parent and grandparents to love and adore her. Let the adventure begin!

Entry for January 25, 2008

yep. still alive.

Going to get my baby fix this weekend before a long and busy travel schedule this spring.

Ambivalent about church but still love God and counting on him to lend a Mighty Hand in a few situations:

• cousin with CRPS who just underwent amputation to try and get the pain to stop
• Certain Smurfette with ongoing health issues who needs your prayers
• My uncle, who was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer this week
• Our kids, mommy and daddy of my peanut, daddy needs a GREAT JOB!

All prayers welcome. Sorry to be so brief and boring but Mrs. Fix-It has other things on her mind...

old post #2

All I ever wanted

I grew up thinking i"d be the momma some day. For a while I thought, "It will happen, just .... later." It never did. For reasons much too complicated to explain, there was no child.

I'll never be completely easy with my decision. I tell myself I'm still a mom (a stepmom), a nana (stepgrandmother). Being a stepmother means being reduced by society and your family to something less than, instead of. Your opinions count but they don't. Your family is yours but it's not.

Regardless of the absence of a blood relationship, those moments holding Nessa are the most peace I have ever felt. Holding her while she dozes in my arms, I love the weight of her, the way her hair feels, the smell of her. I never want to put her down. I want to cry with happiness every time I give her a bottle and listen to her grunt her way through it, her little hands clasping the side of her face in complete relief.

I'm tired of people asking about my decision. I'm tired of other mothers judging me by my unused uterus. If you say "you were never a mother, you don't know, " I become a little smaller, a little less relevant. Not just to the person that said it but to the larger world.

Childless women are often viewed as selfish. Yet not having kids was the least selfish thing I ever did.

http://childlessstepmoms.org/content/view/2/1/

copied over from a defunct blog

Don't know why I thought I would blog on that other site but thought I'd copy these over and blow that old one up. So the next 4 entries are historical but worth keeping.

Platte City BBQ Contest, May 10 (2008)

What a misery. We had a tough weekend, tough enough that we don't think we'll be going back to this contest. Finished 34/41, poor Tim had last place dessert (this same dessert with peaches won first place last fall at Atchison, go figure). WHO gives a 3 on dessert? Pathetic.

Also, this contest there was a family fight across the way that got the cops called, the place where the awards were handed out was half the size it needed to be to handle the contestants and the kicker... the judges, despite being informed they are NOT to smoke or drink anything but water while judging were outside smoking and drinking beer between categories. It's so disappointing to work your ass off all night long only to have people disrespecting your effort.

All that aside, we're swamped with leftovers - we're on our second night of ribs and burnt ends and tonight we're having enchiladas with the last of the smoked pork. And the mutts all got a taste as well. Looks like our next stop will be Peculiar on 6/20.

Well, I don't know how it will go, but

I'm back. No point in trying to catch up on the last year and a half except to say that there's a new person in our family, I have more dogs than the city allows, a tiny lakefront lot in the sticks and all in all, a pretty peaceful life right now.

A friend and I are driving to Minnesota today because I'm a grandmother dork who wants to go to Knit Out and Crochet 2009 at the Mall of America. But really I just want to get the hell out of Dodge.

Happy Friday the 13th. - Rose

last 25 of my hundred things

deadlines met
surprises
debit cards
picking out baby things
time spent with my sisters-in-law
having a dishwasher
Pure Grace perfume
not having to pick which bill gets paid
Charmed reruns
organization
rechargeable batteries
being asked to be in the birthing room
surprising other people with gifts
being able to say “no problem, I have you covered”
country dances
being useful
Bomb Pops
hearing your name called during the awards ceremony
clever ads
“paid in full”
taking lots of pictures
clean bathrooms and mowed yards
Crème Brulee
remote start (car)
atta girls

Where ya been?

From February to now is a long time. I’m sorry. It isn’t as though there hasn’t been anything to say, or anything going on. I guess life is just moving at this incredible pace and as usual, I’ve been a poor witness.

March 28 I was walking through the parking lot of a K-Mart in Effingham, IL when I got a call from Tim. He said that A had called with news. And then he said “grandma”. And then he waited. And then I got it. Lovely little birdie was announcing news of a baby… just 2 months from graduation from Wesleyan and with no ring on her finger. You’d have thought he’d just told me I was pregnant, couldn't have been any more shocked. After I got done hyperventilating, I called to reassure her that no, I would not be angry and yes we would do whatever we could do to help. This week she enters her last trimester. I have never been so anxious about anything. I will be on pins and needles until I hold this precious grandgirl in my arms. We are ready and delighted to welcome Dan in to our family, soon, we hope. This weekend I’m giving her a shower (yeah I know but rules are made to be broken). Dan is going off with 2 or 3 generations of McCawley men for a manly man get together which will no doubt include copious amounts of grilled meat, adult beverages and boyish behavior. We hens are going to do hen-ish things like have a girly lunch and shop. A has managed to land herself an office job with benefits (which she desperately needs) and she needs some office casual clothes for work.

The Cat is pregnant too—just a month to go. Let’s say she had a different idea about her 40th birthday than I had for mine. I can’t believe she’d starting all over again but yay for her.

Everyone else is whole, if not wholly well. Medical issues continue to plague the houses of my other two BFFs, so say a prayer there if you have a mo.

Oh, there was a cruise in Alaska in May. First time vacationing with anyone in T’s family and a lot more fun than I’d ever imagined. I’d do that again any time. In fact we might consider Europe or the Mediterranean year after next – and this, despite my dear SIL and BIL BOTH coming down with the Norwalk Virus. Norwalk is a nasty little bugger and we were all very careful about washing and sanitizing to the point where our skin was nearly raw. Unfortunately, it didn’t help. For the record, Norwalk is common in shellfish and downing oyster shooters 2 hours before departure might not be the smartest move ever. Although I attribute her illness to another passenger, not the oysters.

2 days after we got home, T went to the hospital with a kidney stone, a surreal experience, since neither of us have been hospitalized for anything as adults. And the joy continues on, since now I get to argue with the insurance company about all the stuff they refused to pay for. But he turned out to be fine with no lasting effects.

See… what else? For the first time in 13 years, I have a dish washer. LOVE that. I bought a car. My dear friend buried her father. T’s nephew got married. The sun set. The stars rose. We stayed married. And T and I have taken 4 ribbons in 3 barbecue competitions. I broke down and bought a pair of crocs. The minor events mix with the major ones in this wild-ass life soup. Eat up.

Now, let’s see if I can stay up on things a bit better from now on.

75/100

For a year I've been working on a list of 100 things that make me happy. This marks the 3/4 complete mark.

1. A clean house
2. Shopping for candles at 5Bs
3. When he opens the door for me
4. Real letters
5. Real Simple
6. The way my hair looks after a fresh trim
7. Losing weight
8. People noticing I’ve lost weight
9. Dark Chocolate Raspberry Godiva bars
10. The way my mom loves me
11. Hotel rooms with a view
12. Fancy soaps
13. Time to browse the library or bookstore
14. Fresh pizza
15. Making it a Blockbuster night
16. Bowling
17. Camping
18. Good books
19. Making plans for a vacation
20. When my girls say they love me
21. When somebody gets me
22. Warm feet
23. When my cats snuggle up with me
24. Seeing my parents’ dreams come true
25. Finishing a project
26.sunshine when it rains
27. singing along to the car radio
28. a new cell phone
29. kisses on the back of my neck
30. winning
31. saving money
32. hysterical laughter
33. great service
34. going to the races
35. Sephora
36. Birthdays
37. Marcon pies
38. Holding babies (and then giving them back)
39. puppies
40. Good performance reviews
41. easy hair
42. frozen custard with hot fudge and raspberries
43. fireworks
44. books on tape
45. new lipstick
46. holding hands
47. being included
48. Sleeping in on Saturday morning
49. Nothing to do on Sunday afternoon
50. naps
51. old friendships
52. reliable cars
53. getting down on the floor and playing with the dogs
54. going to the theatre
55. phone calls from out of the blue
56. rearranging the furniture
57. finishing a book
58. new clothes
59. buffet brunches
60. slot machines that hit
61. the beach
62. looking at old pictures
63. home grown tomatoes
64. rollercoasters
65. ski ball
66. scavenger hunts
67. my parents' voices
68. being told I am my niece's favorite aunt
69. high threadcount sheets
70. watching the birds come to the feeders in winter
71. clean rivers with rope swings
72. water skiing7
3. clear skin
74. orange cheese sauce
75. art galleries

The final 25 soon to come...

From 43 Things - meeting the goal of "Have More Fun"

For the last two years, life’s been anything BUT fun. Finally it got so awful I had to see someone and yes, since my mom will never see this, I can admit… I started on an antidepressant.
Who knew how good I could feel? How my skin wouldn’t feel so thin, the slightest things wouldn’t bring me to tears, I could stop resenting my life and start enjoying it!!! T and I are having the happiest most peaceful stage of our marriage in 12 long years. We laugh, we hold hands, we make plans. We have hobbies and we’re fixing up our house.
So this is my life? Glorious.

Still here

On Thanksgiving, it turns out Tim had pneumonia. He limped through the holiday but the day after we went to urgent care where he received lots of pills, shots and breathing treatments. On the way home, I wrecked my car.... thank God neither of us got hurt.

I couldn't have really imagined a stupider thing to do. Since then it's been pretty low key around our house, with modified gift giving, modified decorating, muted everything. I've had to drop a lot of bucks lately and I'm tired of writing checks. Even the dog had to have surgery.

I'm just tired of lots of things. I got to feeling like whenever I blogged it was bad stuff because this has been my place to vent. But I realized that it must be depressing for everyone to read so I've stopped for a while. Whether chemicals, circumstance, hormones or what, I just don't feel like me right now. So hopefully I'll be back after Christmas with a cheerier disposition.

Merry Christmas to everyone and a Happy New Year. And 2006, you can go to hell.

have you?

Mine are in red.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins (who gets to do this? lucky, lucky me).
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love (no fun)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (doesn't everyone?)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (better with tequila)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites (if a chapel from the 1200's counts)
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight7
2. Gotten married (twice)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship (twice!)
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
99. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
100. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
101. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking (all the time)
102. Had plastic surgery
103. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
104. Wrote articles for a large publication
105. Lost over 100 pounds
106. Held someone while they were having a flashback
107. Piloted an airplane
108. Touched a stingray
109. Broken someone’s heart (hated that)
110. Helped an animal give birth
111. Won money on a T.V. game show
112. Broken a bone
113. Gone on an African photo safari
114. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
115. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
116. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
117. Ridden a horse
118. Had major surgery
119. Had a snake as a pet
120. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
121. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
122. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
123. Visited all 7 continents
124. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
125. Eaten kangaroo meat
126. Eaten sushi
127. Had your picture in the newspaper
128. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
129. Gone back to school
130. Parasailed
131. Touched a cockroach
132. Eaten fried green tomatoes
133. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
134. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read (Daphne Du Maurier)
135. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (chickens, ugh)
136. Skipped all your school reunions
137. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (Spain)
138. Been elected to public office
139. Written your own computer language
140. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream (Spain)
141. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
142. Built your own PC from parts
143. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
144. Had a booth at a street fair
145. Dyed your hair
146. Been a DJ
147. Shaved your head
148. Caused a car accident (recently, unfortunately)
149. Saved someone’s life (gave almost 2 gallons of blood)

Thanksgiving Interrupted

I was to have spent tomorrow evening making the 8 hour trek to South Dakota for Thanksgiving with my sister in law. Because it involves food, Thanksgiving is T's favorite holiday. Also there's no gift giving pressure, just the sensual aroma of bread, turkey and pie. There's football and turkey coma. There's pie with whipped cream

But for us, there's no trip to SD... there's 4 days of hoping not to get on each other's last nerve as he recovers from a particularly nasty virus we don't want to share with everyone else in the family.

So now it's my duty to make Thanksgiving as pleasant as possible for His Royal Sickness. Anyone have any ideas for traditional Thankgiving feasts for 2? Diabetic friendly, also.

cousins redux

So obviously I've been thinking a lot about family lately, certainly over the past few days. The visitation last night was surreal. I mean, it's wierd to walk in to a room full of people you really haven't seen since the last funeral and say "Hi, how are you?" "Oh, great, fine." Hell, if everybody's fine, what are we doing here?

I think the Anglo American mourning tradition could use a good dose of old world reality. What you want is weeping, howling, tearing of clothing, swearing of revenge. What there is is hushed silence, sad standing around and semi-hysterical non-death related conversation over lots and lots of cigarettes out in front of the funeral home. I wanted to grab my glassy-eyed cousins and say "SCREAM, CRY, you'll feel better". She was their sister for heaven's sake and now she's in a box with putty in her head.

There must also be a universal rule about proper casket wear: for women it's always long-sleeved and pink. I don't wear pink in life, please don't make me wear it when I die. I'm much too sallow, I'll just look like a bruised banana lying there. I am never one to buy in to the whole "Wow, she looks so good" rubbish either, when T asked me if it was open casket he said "How'd she look?" Well, she looked dead. Yeah. Dead. Still dead. Personally I want to be cremated immediately upon death and they can do the big glossy photo thing instead of the casket viewing. Or like in "Love Actually," a cool video montage with the Bay City Rollers as a soundtrack.

So another cousin inevitably floats up in conversation, this one is actually my double cousin, meaning we share both sets of grandparents... his dad is my mom's brother, his mother my dad's little sister. See? No inbreeding involved. Get your minds out of the gutter.

He, however, is a family curiosity as he was always very different (meaning kinda smart and artistic and really eccentric) and more so because he has surgically removed himself from our family, both sides, really. Except for his mom and dad. I'm sure it's been more than 20, maybe 25 years since I saw him. Now he's playing in what looks to be an up and coming bluegrass band http://blueharvestband.com/index.html. Interestingly it seems he has claimed his heritage after all, albeit from the comfortable distance between here and NYC. Genetics has obviously programmed even the unwilling to love bluegrass, the folksier the better. It's been my dirty little secret for a few years now and I profess to owning a few bluegrass cds of my own. And I took my mom to see Nickel Creek, which is sorta but almost not really bluegrass. But the mandolin was always my favorite, ever since the 80s when Bruce Hornsby recorded "Mandolin Rain", which isn't even a mandolin song. And yes, I even own a Mike Marshall/Chris Thile cd. And now I'm just babbling. Point is, the band thing is cool, and even though he lies (a lot) about his age on myspace, I hope it becomes fantastically successful. Our kinda smart and artistic and really eccentric grandfather would have been thrilled.

Cousins, cousins, its all I've thought about. Can't we get back to some normal craziness? Well, there was a strange cat stuck 30' up in my maple tree last night -- that was pretty run-of-the-mill crazy. I ran the dogs in to the garage for the night and left the back deck light on so it could work out its issues backwards, down the tree. By morning it was gone.

Goodbye Linda

A lot has happened in two months. Summer has gone away and fall has come again. I have looked down from half way up a mountain, finding that I was too weak to go all the way to the top. Tim and I celebrated 12 years together. We had a third place brisket. My cousin died.

Right. She was murdered.

Linda was shot to death for no damn good reason except she lived in a bad neighborhood and probably told off the wrong guy.

She was good at that. She and I lived very different lives but I knew that about her.

Where we were concerned, two people could not be more different. Her mother was my father's younger sister. They lived a block over from us when I was little but she and her sister and brothers were all much older than I, so we didn't hang out. My exposure to her was really just at holidays. In her teen years she was a wild child who seemed always to be coming and going, doing drugs, disappearing. She'd drop her kid off with my aunt and be gone. She lived hard. I, on the other hand, lived quietly, conservatively. I got my education and then a master's degree. I did drugs as an experiment at a party once and didn't like them so I never did them again. I married. I went to work. Lived clean. Sooner or later she was just a distant image in an old picture: 14 cousins (missing only the two not yet born) in front of the Christmas tree at our grandmother's house -- she a sort of pretty blonde teen in jeans and a plaid shirt with her arm draped around my brother's shoulders, laughing in to the camera. I am crouched near the bottom of that same photo, hair coiffed, perfect little dress, smiling absently at something off camera, feeling and looking terribly out of place.

I saw her most recently at her mother's funeral although I don't know if I even said anything to her. We hardly knew each other, really.

In life she stayed in her part of town and I stayed in mine. In death we return to the same circle. If not for the accident of parentage, she might have been just another incomplete headline of the news. But she was someone. She was. And I am sad. Because I didn't know her any better than anyone else who saw the story of another shooting on the news. Because I can cry over movies, a good book, a tv show, a sprained wrist -- but I cannot cry for Linda.

And I have 13 more cousins I don't know any better than I knew her.