random thoughts

weekly therapy appointment: I'm still OK

digital camera situation: Still not OK. Must get out and start taking pictures, learn to download them, etc. Very important as I do not want to come home from Spain having taken crappy pictures.

work: lots. WTH am I doing blogging?

intelligent design: I think it's arrogant for scientists to assert they know it all -- but they don't. Only a few hundred years ago the world was held up by Atlas and two turtles... less than 150 years ago doctors thought they should treat certain illnesses with mercury. But science is always right until proven wrong. Still, they call it the THEORY of Evolution for a reason, don't they?

Spanish for trip: hopeless

the Spain trip: seems like a pipe dream, not part of my operating reality right now.

chocolate: cures many ills.

All Consuming: doesn't list Daphne du Marier's novel "Rebecca", very disappointing. How am I supposed to update my list?

blogoreadership: down significantly. Probably due to my inability to write anything coherent or entertaining. Shame.

Still a man's world

I have a great job. I work with some wonderful people, people who are a lot like family. It's unique, believe me. I haven't had this much fun since I left my first ad agency position.

The one thing is that I work in an industry that is almost entirely dominated by men. Most of the time it isn't a big deal. Oh you get the guys who treat you like a "girl" or don't make eye contact-- they only look at you a foot lower. Sometimes the management wonders why a customer likes you so much. And then sometimes, you catch a guy who's had one too many and makes a comment like the one I heard today. In what can only be described as a fit of jealousy a male vendor told a new female vendor that she only got her piece of business because she was a woman and the buyer gave her special treatment because he likes women.

Just when you thought the world had actually turned and we were out of the 19th century, some jackass comes along and tries to put women back in the fainting couch.

Well let me gather up my petticoats a moment and say what I think. I think guys like CH are intimidated by smart people, men or women. I think he takes everything down to the lowest common denominator, drinks too much and takes hurtful cheap shots. I think his way of business is going the way of the dinosaur. Correction -- it's already gone.

I think I'm glad that guys like him aren't part of my "family" and my regular professional life. I'm glad the guys I do work with treat me with respect and sometimes even a bent and silly affection that makes me feel like I have big brothers when we're out on the road. I think CH will never know the greatness of a job like this as long as he dismisses 50% of the world's population as too shallow and too talentless to get business on their merits and not their anatomy.

It may still be a man's world but the time will come when even us girls get some of the credit and our fair share. I'll still be here -- I wonder if he will. My guess is no.

Couch Trip

I guess it's inevitable that once the immediate crisis that brought you to therapy in the first place has passed, the guy will ask about your childhood.

I don't think about it very much. As an adult I look back and I honestly can't believe that no adults were concerned about this little kid rattling aaround in her own head for so many years. Today when a set of parents split and the kid starts to implode, most people say "hey maybe that kid needs to talk to someone". No one really said that when I was imploding. My teachers did get a wake up call in 4th grade ... I threw a book at another student who was tormenting the crap out of me (along with all her little heathen friends). That earned me two sessions with the school counselor -- before she had an anurysm and had to leave.

That was all the counseling I got -- until I was threatened with losing my job in college if I didn't pull myself together. I did 9 months with a PhD candidate at the University center and kept the job... and then graduated and moved away. Hey I was crazy in love by then -- who needed therapy?

So, other than a 6-week stint of useless marriage counseling and 2 individual attempts to say "hey something's wrong" I never went again. Until now.

And what am I getting out of it now? The satisfaction of being told that however crazy I may FEEL, I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm doing good.

Hey, what do you know? I am. We have a long way to go until things are "right" again but I'm starting to feel like it's not just selfishness that is driving me to say "I need" and "I want". It's OK to take my time, to decide for myself what is right for me. It's OK for me to ask for, and receive, respect.

As long as I've got God in the mix, so Someone doesn't let me fall off the curb.

I wish I could get in to more detail about what's going on but T and I are trying to keep most of this on the down low. Someday I hope all this becomes something we survived to bring encouragement to someone else.

kid stuff

Just to prove that I do still have my sense of humor, I thought it might be fun to share a little kid wisdom with you. This is courtesy of my friends' two wonderful kids who shared their very deep thoughts with me on a lovely late summer evening...

he: (describing the pecking order of the universe) "It goes monkeys, then us, then aliens." "why aliens?" "'cause their brains are bigger." (he demonstrates the head circumference with his arms held aloft like a power speaker in a stadium full of Promise Keepers). "and besides they have lasers." "we have lasers" Yeah, but they have laser guns." oh.

I have discovered that some conversations with younger kids are so spontaneous, they are like, 5 minutes in to it in their heads before they even say anything. Therefore, THEY know what they're talking about but we have no idea. Refer to above.

she: "Daaaaaaaad, let me tell you. There's early, which is on time. There's on time, which is late. And there's late which is unacceptable." (Her father remains unmoved -- and chronically late).

I was also told, that if I were to be sold, the asking price should be a kajillion quadrillion dollars.

All of these conversations and many many more took place with the constant movement of the very young -- the happy dance that kids do when they are still protected, innocent and full of joy.

Now that's great therapy.

personal hurricanes

When the storm comes and levels everything, you have a choice. You either abandon or you build again. As my very wise and dear stepfather said: what you build is either better or worse but never will it be the same.

I made a choice to seek some professional help. After that, to take an action I never thought I could take. Now I am standing on the foundation of my life and all else has been leveled off. Who will build my house again? And what will it look like?

I don't think T would mind me saying that he has also, at last, decided to get help of his own. I hope that one day soon we can build again what we allowed to be demolished.

Thanks for your prayers-- and for those of you who aren't just blog friends, for your calls. When people say the internet is too impersonal, well, they don't know you.

Peace,
Rose

lamest blog on earth

Now someone is going to google "lamest blog on earth" and get mine. Oh well.

It just hit me that the last post was so bad I ought to just delete it and remain silent. See, the problem is that this is my place to think with my fingers but the only thing I think about these days is something I just can't share with all of you right now.

I can say that I am deeply unhappy and would appreciate your prayers as I try to deal with some things. Things that have made me so sad and nervous that my gut is palpably twisting almost every minute of the day. This is not to worry anyone but just to say, as so often we do not, that I need your help. Let me hold your hand for just a minute, please. Tell me a joke so I don't forget how to laugh.

OK, now this really is the lamest blog on earth.

favorite season?

Last night K asked me "mom, what's your favorite holiday?" Far be it from me to be a traditionalist but I am definitely a Christmas girl. The season captures for me the essence of human kindness. Everyone seems a little friendlier, a little softer, a little happier. I think of frosty windows, hot chocolate, the whole package.

She asked me about my favorite season. It used to be fall but I have to say over the last few years, fall has begun to depress the crap out of me. Everything's dying. And here comes another, just when I least can handle it.

My vote? I'll go with early summer, when the leaves are still fresh and green and the thick dust and oppressive heat have not yet settled in. Summer is birthdays and barbecues and fireflies and long evenings that come on very slowly.

Anyone want to weigh in with their favorites?

Heart to Heart and more hurricane thoughts

If anyone is interested, Heart to Heart International is asking for both monetary donations and donations of care kits. The directions are very specific but easy and clear. I think it's a great thing to do with kids and I plan on doing a box full myself.

I don't think it's overstating things to say that this may now be the worst natural disaster in US history. When the bodies are recovered and the losses counted I think it's going to be very clear.

On a related note:
Most kids are pretty lucky to be so insulated from the problems of the world. I was definitely one of them. If anyone had told me when I was a teenager how much life could suck sometimes, I'd have politely declined my grownup membership card. I'd definitely have dragged college out for 2 more years, instead of being so anxious to get out into the world. Alas, too late. My prayer list is growing longer ... in the last two weeks a good friend was divorced, my niece may have cancer, a friend of a friend may have cancer, a co-worker's brother is still missing on the gulf coast of MS.

Sometimes I feel like there aren't enough prayers for all the hurt but then I have to remind myself, it only takes one. Just one.

PS - If you saw my earlier note about my co-worker's brother having been located, please disregard. Unfortunately, I misheard her. They have located a newspaper reporter in Alabama who has family in Gautier and has offered to go by her brother's house and look for them. If they aren't there, they'll go to the shelter and check there. The good news for now is that there are no reported deaths in Gautier. And maybe they'll have news soon.