Music to My Ears

This little meme was posted on Liquid Sky Arts -- I thought I'd bring it over here and add that I have finally ended my rebellion against Columbia House and re-upped. The prospect of cd's for less than $4 each was too much for me.

1. Total amount of music files on your computer: 0, I am not smart enough for this highly technical function yet.
2. The last CD you bought was: Maybe Jars of Clay's "Who We Are Instead". But that was a while ago. However, as I mentioned, I just ordered 12 cds from Columbia House:

"All That We Let In" - Indigo Girls
"Here For The Party" - Gretchen Wilson
"Between Here and Gone" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
"One Moment More" - Mindy Smith
"Ollabelle" - Ollabelle
Soundtrack of "Cold Mountain"
"Down the Old Plank Road" - Chieftains
"Further Down the Old Plank Road" - Chieftains
"Songs About Jane" - Maroon 5
"Just Because I'm a Woman" - Various (Tribute to Dolly Parton)
"Undone" - Mercy Me
"Almost There" - Mercy Me

There's some variety for ya.

3. What is the song you last listened to before reading this message? "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman.

4. Write down 10 (OK she said 5 but I'm going for 10) songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:

1. "Landslide" - written & performed by Stevie Nicks. If my life has a soundtrack, this is the opening song.
2. "Lincoln Avenue" - Train. Dunno, just slow and sad and pretty and I can't leave it alone.
3. "Home" - Sheryl Crow. For when I'm feeling restless and angst-y
4. "Who Am I" - Casting Crowns. For when I'm tired of feeling restless and angst-y.
5. "Red Headed Stranger" - Willie Nelson. Or any other Willie Nelson. Because it reminds me of my dad, way back in the days when I listened to him "sing" to his reel-to-reels.
6. "Somewhere North of Here" - Caedmon's Call. A song that mentions my hometown and has that haunted love-you-but-you're-not-here thing going on. Made me fall in love with the band. Nothing else they ever did sounded better to me than this song.
7. "Breathe" - Sixpence None the Richer. The first worship song that really connected for me.
8. Something, anything by ABBA. Reminds me of the good part of being 12.
9. "All the Things We've Never Done" - performed by Martina McBride. Says, hey, even if marriage hasn't been perfect, there is something beautiful about sticking it out.
10. "If These Walls Could Speak" - originally recorded by Nanci Griffith & Jimmy Webb (I think it was written by Jimmy Webb), it appears on the Red Hot & Country project. I've never heard Shawn Colvin's version, but I'll bet it's great too. If I ever move from my home, it will be the last song I play to my empty house, as a sort of "thank you".

Rock and Roll my World

I've maintained an uncharacteristic silence regarding the refusal of the Zondervan ad in Rolling Stone. Like so many I probably wrote it off as worldy stuff and not likely to change. This is a direct result of my having sent "Entertainment Weekly" a letter a few years back asking the reason behind their refusal to ever review Christian contemporary artists. My letter was met with stony silence, as was the second letter. The third letter was a cancellation of my subscription. I was very sorry to do it and I still read the magazine now and then, when I can catch a copy at the library.

Two things just happened: Rolling Stone changed their mind. And I read this. (Great job, Rabbi.) Wow. I'm happy that this week, anyway, a little battle was won.

Oh and also, there's a great article about Dominic Monaghan in Rolling Stone -- since I'm a fan of both LOTR and Lost, it was double the pleasure.

The Randomness of Thursday afternoon

Place I would live if I suddenly found myself single again: Library Lofts
Soaps I would buy if I were independently wealthy: Lush
Happiest thing that happened to me today: Weight Watchers On the Go
Finally, I get to see it: Nascar 3-D
Is this what heaven looks like? Four Seasons Maui

This is the kind of day I should just go home and go to bed. I'm no good for anyone and I know it. It started this morning over frozen slabs of ribs and continued on this afternoon over procedural stuff at work.

K said something profound to me the other day in the car: "I realized that every second, once it goes, you can never get it back. So I figured I just need to deal with it and be happy." This was in the context of all the things she hates to do, like homework and chores. She's a smart girl. Smarter than me, I guess.

I wonder if young girls know that even when they're middle aged girls, sometimes they'll still daydream of being somewhere else, you know, better. I want to tell K and A this but I think it will just depress them.

On the 30th, our church begins the "40 Days of Purpose" a Bible study based on the Purpose Driven Life. I'm hoping for something wonderful. "Cause on every drive home, I blank out in traffic wondering over and over -- why am I here?

I don't subscribe to either of these guys' philosophies but these quotes do seem apropos in my current frame of mind. Actually, the Kierkegaard is kind of funny. I know the answer but it doesn't prevent me from asking the question from time to time.

Where am I? Who am I? How did I come to be here? What is this thing called the world? How did I come into the world? Why was I not consulted? And If I am compelled to take part in it, Where is the director? I want to see him.
-Kierkegaard

Being religious means asking passionately the question of the meaning of our existence and being willing to receive answers, even if the answers hurt.
- Paul Tillich

If I am here to please God, then let me begin. I hope there is just some small thing in my daily life in which He might find pleasure. But how do I know? It's not like He's tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Hey kid, good job.". It would be nice if He did.

Weighty Issues

Q: If you could change one physical thing about yourself, what would it be?
A: weight. No, wait.... no, weight.

I am back on my Weight Watcher's program again after a long hiatus and an 18 pound weight gain. Of course that's still 30# less than what I weighed 2 1/2 years ago.

I told T last night that the real reason I wanted to get the weight off was not for my health or well-being but because truly I am vain as Snow White's stepmother and when spring rolls around I want to be able to peel off my woolies and bulky sweaters to reveal a bathing suit appropriate body underneath. Actually, what I'm after is a solid fit on the one piece of shiny clothing I own, a green & white satin blouse I bought for my work escapade to Vegas last year.

"Vanity, thy name is woman." Well, Hamlet said that but basically T did too. I don't blame him. My attitude toward weight loss is dysfunctional at best, self-destructive at it's pinnacle. As if the shiny blouse dilemma isn't enough, I also have a 20 year high school reunion this year, should I choose to attend. okaaaaay - stop!-

Weight issues really need to be about what you feel good about and what is healthy. There is no perspective on what a healthy weight is anymore. It's been "thinner is better" since I was old enough to crawl. It's not that I want to be 5'4" and 110# (although it looks pretty good on Natalie Portman, Michelle Williams, Carmen Electra, Shania Twain and Jodie Foster). At that height/weight I would be 4 pounds under my lowest ideal weight by most charts. I'd like to be 5'4" and maybe 135, a weight no self-respecting Hollywooder would ever claim. Of course models and actresses aren't allowed to weigh more than an average-sized chihuahua without being told they're fat.

I guess when it comes down to it, all those weight loss catchphrases, like "fuel is fuel" and "nothing tastes as thin as good feels" just irritate me. If I'm going to lose weight and keep it off, maybe feeding my vanity instead of my face is a justifiable means to an end. I honestly feel better at 147 than I do at 157 and certainly a heckuva lot better than I did at 189 ... plus. I wonder how much better it might feel to be 137? Or 127? I was once -- I just can't remember now.

If it seems like I'm going back and forth on this topic with no clear direction, that's how my weight "life" has been since the 8th grade. Up, down, out, in, no direction, no compass pointing north. Just an endless Bermuda Triangle in which the compass spins and every day I get up only to face this mess again.

Maybe someday I'll get it right.

What Ifs

http://www.theyaremissed.org/ncma/


If that was the final kiss, or
if I let your hand go
and never saw you again
or you never saw me
would we do this differently?

What would you tell me, or
What would I tell you?
That I love the way I saw
time mark your face
these many busy years?

Would you love me laughing, or
how the sun made my hair
look honeyed and wild
and that you were glad that
I made it home in a storm?

What things are never said, or
what feelings stay tucked in tight
while we stand side by side
in the kitchen, not talking
the world turning without mercy.

Would we say thank you, or
just "goodnight, sleep well"
would we even know that this would be
all there was of the "us" and that
tomorrow may change it all?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just some thoughts put to paper after I saw this website. It was a link from a link from a link that originated with a new theater/events venue in downtown KC: www.screenland.com. I can't imagine how much pain the families and friends of those missing people must feel-- to say goodbye for the last time, to have an arguement, to get a hug and kiss and assume that they'll be home later -- and then they just aren't.

For the 150-millionth time, how blessed I am.

The Past

I opened this up with not much to say -- just knowing that I should write something because it's been a while. Then an odd thing happened. The commercial carpet sales person that came to measure my office turned out to be a man I worked with from my very first job out of college. He no longer works for the company but as he talked, he told me about people who were there that have either left or died. As he talked, I could envision them perfectly: each quirk and habit, the way this man held his diet soda or pushed up his glasses, the posture of the secretary as she walked along the halls. The way that man looked behind his desk as he laughed and reached for his coffee cup. It reminded me of how small our world is (especially one you've lived in for 15 years) and also it reminded me of the very fresh, very young girl I was then.

I wonder what she would think of me and the life I live today: different husband, different job, different home and much more complicated concerns. I really was just a girl then -- just 2 years older than my oldest stepdaughter: a novice in marriage and in life. Even my posture in pictures seems to say that not all of me was quite grown up and prepared for what was to come. Some people might think it's sad -- to look at a picture of a girl and say, "Poor thing, she has no idea what's coming." I didn't. But I'm glad I didn't know. I have always dealt best with what's in front of me at that particular moment. The future would paralyze me because I'd spend all my time trying to fix or change it for the better. In the end it all works out, despite my "best efforts".

Life is what it is and sometimes the past drops in to visit. It makes us think of things and people long gone from the world. It certainly blurs and softens with age. It's OK to ponder but I wouldn't want the past to pull up a chair and hang around. Today I will do what's put in front of me and I will remember that girl with some pleasure. And then I will open up the door and let the past go back from whence it came.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson