broken

Not sure what to even post today. Yesterday was an awful day. He was going to leave. No plan, no job, no place to go. But he'd had enough of me. I went home at lunch -- furious-- and thinking I'd make things easier and just pack my things, since I did have a place I could go. But I stopped to talk to him. And we talked and we talked. We talked, finally, like our marriage depended on it.

We picked things up in conversation and turned them over for examination -- and then we tossed most of them aside with the clarity that comes with knowing that we couldn't waste precious time on pebbles when there's a boulder rolling down the mountainside. At 1:30, after almost two hours, he very suddenly went around the corner and I couldn't follow him. He said he'd stay. Then I didn't want to. I didn't want him to. I went upstairs to pack, feeling angry, manipulated and very, very tired. He came upstairs to help. That makes exactly one time he has ever followed me in to a room to talk. He carried one of my bags to the living room. I took it back upstairs and threw it so hard that it smacked against the far wall. I left -- empty handed.

Today the storm is over. After work I lay down next to him and we both cried. Because "I love you, I'm sorry" doesn't fix everything. And we have no idea how to fix what's broken. But we promised. We promised. And so I guess we'll try, even though we have no idea what we're doing. And one thing we do agree on is that counseling is just a good way to throw away several hundred dollars we don't have. We've both been down that road before.

Look at me
I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be
Don't have the strength
To fight anymore
Or a reason not to leave
So tell me why I still keep holding on
To something I just cannot see

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

I'm not afraid
Of living alone
I was alone before he came
I've been in love
Many times before
But this time's not the same
I've always been the first to say goodbye
Now it's the last thing I can do

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

When it goes this deep
And feels this strong
I can't convince myself
That this love is wrong
What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart

At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay.

-Deana Carter