It's my non-anniversary.
On 8/5/89 I married husband #1. Sixteen years ago. A lifetime ago since I woke up and submitted my 22 year old head to the skilled hands of a male beauty operator who put an entire can of White Rain hairspray on my hair to hold up a perfect jumble of curls and my homemade veil. 16 years since I had my breakfast of cranberry juice and chocolate donuts while blowing up a gross of jewel colored balloons for the church basement reception. 16 years since I posed for my wedding portrait, which is still my favorite picture. 16 years since we ran and hid in our dark, furniture-free apartment and ate leftover Chinese food and wondered "what now?" 16 years since the day we thought everything was just beginning, when in fact, it was the probably the beginning of the end.
If I could say something to my former husband on our non-anniversary, I would say this:
I had an inkling that we might fail: I'm sorry I didn't say so. I'm sorry I didn't know how to be a wife. I'm sorry for the dumb, destructive things I did. I'm sorry I didn't object to the dumb, destructive things you did. I'm sorry that we killed our friendship. I remember what you did for me when Poppi died. I remember it was you who told me about Antonio Gaudi and I'll think of you when I stand in front of the Sagrada Familia in November. I remember the smell of your leather jacket. When I remember, it's not just all bad things.
I'm happy that you have a career that makes you happy, a marriage that works and two healthy sons. I hope this marriage lasts forever and your boys get to know you in ways that you didn't get with your own dad. I hope you're happy.
And finally, that thing we did 16 years ago helped lead us here today. For that reason alone I will never regret that I loved you. Because from that little seed bloomed a fragrant, thorny, beautiful rose of a second marriage -- I now have a husband and two stepdaughters that I love in ways I never knew were possible. Thank you for helping me grow up so I could have that. Happy un-anniversary.
Friday, August 05, 2005
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2 comments:
As one of the attendees at wedding #1, all I can say is: wow.
Good work.
I didn't get to attend that first wedding. Frau Lobster was making the tragic mistake of marrying me when you two were coming apart, and I remember being impressed (still am) that you both were able to set aside the bitterness of your parting and be genuine participants in our union.
I've wondered if the two of you worked as hard at your first marriage as with your seconds if you might not be the couple we all aspire to emulate. But then, I get the sense that this is a useless musing, because if it was possible for either of you to realize the stakes, you would have both mucked your cards and left the casino a couple.
And lest you feel bad that you took two swipes to get the marriage thing, my Dad took three. The fact that his 22 years with my Mom was unsatisfactory to both, the brief second marriage, none of that matters. He's been married to his third wife longer than I have been to my first. And I'm not only officially middle-aged, I'm a father, a heart attack survivor, and I'm old enough (legally) to be the President of the United States (not that I want that so-called job).
So, uh, happy un-anniversary? Wishing you both happiness in your present lives, because there are so many bells you can't un-ring.
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