I realize that I have lost control of almost every aspect of my life. It's not a good feeling.
My weight's out of control. My marriage feels like a hurricane. My house and yard need a million things that I can't find the time or energy to do. My God hole feels like a cavern that can't be filled. I have people depending on me to be something I'm not sure I can be.
Today I tried to start again. I got to bed earlier last night to try to get back some of my old energy and balance my moods. So-so progress, at least I was asleep by 10:30 instead of 11:15. I walked on the treadmill today and I had water first instead of my usual diet coke. I packed a nutritious lunch but that went by the wayside so I could have lunch with my boss, which was good. I was sidetracked by mayonnaise but I can recover.
I also have a number for a counseling service. The saddest feeling in the world -- to me-- is being out of control. And knowing I can't make things right on my own. I need God and I need help and I need to get in to my winter clothes. So before the day ends, I'm giving some of my precious minutes to God. And I'm going to pray for all these holes so maybe they can start being wholes instead.
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A little poetry, but mostly just the weird stuff that comes out of my head
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1 comment:
I'm not sure what it feels liek to be 'in control.' I've had peaks and valleys with my various battles. Witness that I'm up past 1:00 a.m. despite a 50 to 60 hour workweek, a novel begging for attention, and a family that might forget what I look like soon.
Also, revisiting 'A Conspiracy of Dunces,' which always increases my hot dog consumption by a bout tenfold, challenging even the very good lipds drugs my cardiologist has me on.
And I'm a big, fat moose to boot.
Good luck. You've put up with shit no wife should have to, but my wife has too, so I'm a bad source of advice on that front. I've been overweight since my Dad decided I would be, the difference has only been degree.
I'm kind of like the 'none shall pass' character in the Holy Grail, who's had limbs cut off on and insists he's 'had worse.' Aside from divorce (why would I ever divorce Frau Lobster???).
But you're smart, beautiful, and tough, so I'm sure you'll come out on top. And don't knock Diet Coke for breakfast: it's not as dehydrating as conventional advice makes it out to be, and you can always tank up on water once you're awake...
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