Does the last post seem self-serving and pathetic?
Does anyone read this any more?
Does anyone like Donna Karan's "Be Delicious" cologne? I hate it, it smells like this girl upstairs who passed out on her first day at work. I tried to help her until the ambulance came and to this day her perfume reminds me of sickness. That sounds mean, I know. Sorry. No more "Be Delicious" for me.
My mouth has tasted like soap all day. Am I getting a cosmic "washing my mouth out"? My language lately certainly justifies it.
I really want to improve my diet and start eating healthier foods that are ony one or two steps removed from their sources... fresh fruit from an orchard, for example. But I had Wendy's for lunch. Not an auspicious start.
I believe in global warming. This place is like a blast furnace -- windy and 100 degrees. Anyone have a match?
I snuck 2 smokes last week. The first was so bad I couldn't finish. The second went down without a thought. My body has old habits my brain knows nothing about.
I wish I'd paid more attention in Spanish and I really wish I had more confidence when I try to speak. And in a related note, when my Spanish-only neighbor hunted up the word "cookies" and smiled, I wanted to hug her. This second language thing is a bitch.
God, I can't wait to wash this perfume off.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Liking yourself
Frau-Lobster-until-Friday points out that I have been MIA from this blog for some time. Well, I'm still here.
I had some thoughts last week about food, fat, self-loathing and childhood. Let's see if I can sort them in to something that makes sense.
And by the way, I love our new kitchen. I'm struggling to keep it from being too fussy and old-ladylike but I'm digging it a lot. It just needs some paint and a few finishing touches.
Anyway, back to the other.
On FridayI cried during dinner. I had been ruminating on some things since, oh last Tuesday I guess. The question arose in my mind that perhaps when I was a child I didn't get the help I needed with my parents' divorce and my emotional and behavioral problems because people didn't like me. (See, just saying that makes me sound pathetic. But bear with me).
I have been around ADD kids and they can be sooooooo annoying. I mean, you want to like all kids. They're kids, right? Especially little girls. But haven't you been around kids who were loud, annoying, clingy, hyper and never did anything they were told? Not brats, just kids who really have no "off" switch. I think I was her. I think I bugged my extended family and our friends so badly that no one wanted to be around me. And I think my parents were completely absorbed in their own drama and unable to focus even a little on the 8 year old kid that was getting caught up in all the big waves. So I just had to figure it all out for myself. Although I didn't do a good job, because I'm still at it.
Without any direction on how to be a well-adjusted person when your family disintegrates, I just sort of tripped my way through adolescence and my teen years. I did grow up. And somehow I end up being this person I really don't like. I have no self esteem, I'm self-centered, I still don't have an off-switch. I can't even hear myself. I talk tooooooooo much. I mean Toooo much. I say the wrong things. I make faces I don't mean and can't even feel. I cannot tell you how many times I have been accused of hijacking meetings. Folks, these are not cute little personality quirks, they are
major flaws.
I'm hard to know and hard to like. And inside the shell I'm so nice! That's what I can't figure out!
At almost 40 (ulp) I surprise myself by sometimes being pretty smart about why I am who I am. Sometimes I can fight the tide and just shut up and be there for someone. I can sometimes hold my husband while he sobs his way through a depressive episode without chiding him for feeling bad. I can occassionally shut my mouth while someone else unburdens themselves.
I believe it is still possible to learn to be a good wife, a good friend and a smart manager. I believe the way is painful and I will make many mistakes. I also believe there is still time to rid myself of my lifelong hate/love relationship with food and my body -- the most tangible evidence of my self-loathing.
Hmmmm.
Does knowing all these things change anything? Will I be mature enought to act upon the things I've finally realized? God, I hope so.
I had some thoughts last week about food, fat, self-loathing and childhood. Let's see if I can sort them in to something that makes sense.
And by the way, I love our new kitchen. I'm struggling to keep it from being too fussy and old-ladylike but I'm digging it a lot. It just needs some paint and a few finishing touches.
Anyway, back to the other.
On FridayI cried during dinner. I had been ruminating on some things since, oh last Tuesday I guess. The question arose in my mind that perhaps when I was a child I didn't get the help I needed with my parents' divorce and my emotional and behavioral problems because people didn't like me. (See, just saying that makes me sound pathetic. But bear with me).
I have been around ADD kids and they can be sooooooo annoying. I mean, you want to like all kids. They're kids, right? Especially little girls. But haven't you been around kids who were loud, annoying, clingy, hyper and never did anything they were told? Not brats, just kids who really have no "off" switch. I think I was her. I think I bugged my extended family and our friends so badly that no one wanted to be around me. And I think my parents were completely absorbed in their own drama and unable to focus even a little on the 8 year old kid that was getting caught up in all the big waves. So I just had to figure it all out for myself. Although I didn't do a good job, because I'm still at it.
Without any direction on how to be a well-adjusted person when your family disintegrates, I just sort of tripped my way through adolescence and my teen years. I did grow up. And somehow I end up being this person I really don't like. I have no self esteem, I'm self-centered, I still don't have an off-switch. I can't even hear myself. I talk tooooooooo much. I mean Toooo much. I say the wrong things. I make faces I don't mean and can't even feel. I cannot tell you how many times I have been accused of hijacking meetings. Folks, these are not cute little personality quirks, they are
major flaws.
I'm hard to know and hard to like. And inside the shell I'm so nice! That's what I can't figure out!
At almost 40 (ulp) I surprise myself by sometimes being pretty smart about why I am who I am. Sometimes I can fight the tide and just shut up and be there for someone. I can sometimes hold my husband while he sobs his way through a depressive episode without chiding him for feeling bad. I can occassionally shut my mouth while someone else unburdens themselves.
I believe it is still possible to learn to be a good wife, a good friend and a smart manager. I believe the way is painful and I will make many mistakes. I also believe there is still time to rid myself of my lifelong hate/love relationship with food and my body -- the most tangible evidence of my self-loathing.
Hmmmm.
Does knowing all these things change anything? Will I be mature enought to act upon the things I've finally realized? God, I hope so.
Monday, July 17, 2006
BBQ 2 - 3
Our thrid competition and still no money but this time we managed to turn out a more than edible brisket which is pretty exciting! And we've figured out how to manage the heat on the cookers also which allows for more sleep - 4 hours for me this time but I think T was up more than in the past, too. Our brisket placed 7/17, pretty neat. The other stuff wasn't good - I couldn't do the chicken the way I wanted because they didn't allow any sauce at all and we had to do pork loin instead of Boston butt and we've never smoked pork loin before. The ribs were good but we foiled them and they seemed soggy to me.
Other sleep-losing enterprises includes the long slow path back to having an operational kitchen. The remodel went beautifully and yesterday T's brother helped us install the stove and microwave so now I have functioning appliances again. Everything looks just great although I still have a little work to do. OK, a lot.
Next competition isn't for a month so lots of recovery time and time alos for fixing up the house. Wooo. S'OK. It's too hot to do anything outside right now.
Other sleep-losing enterprises includes the long slow path back to having an operational kitchen. The remodel went beautifully and yesterday T's brother helped us install the stove and microwave so now I have functioning appliances again. Everything looks just great although I still have a little work to do. OK, a lot.
Next competition isn't for a month so lots of recovery time and time alos for fixing up the house. Wooo. S'OK. It's too hot to do anything outside right now.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
BBQ competition # 2 - from 43 Things
Don't know why this didn't copy over but here it is...
Did another competition this last weekend and fared a little better than our first attempt in June, top half in ribs and pork but still really struggling with the brisket. The heat this time of year makes things even harder but we are determined to hear our names called!
Overall improvement across the board, our scored were higher on everything and this was a tighter field with lower scores for the winners than the first time we competed. So it didn’t just get easier.
I have discovered I have no grace under pressure, my stomach and my patience both fail me. At one point I totally lost my mind and was in the bathroom sobbing. I am used to getting sleep and 3 hours of cat napping and 90 degree heat just ain’t cutting it. Not to mention that my armpits were sunburned from a float trip 2 days before. From the camping, floating and cooking I am so banged and beat up I look like I crawled out of a car wreck. As a finale, I turned my ankle on the steps leading out of our camper and fell flat on my back, all while talking on a cell phone. Life is good.
The good news: We met another team who offered to help us out and suggested we make a run at a competition this weekend out on the end of town. It’s non-sanctioned and subs pork tenderloin for pork butt but it was inexpensive (relatively) and we need the practice. And there’s $4,000 in prize money available.
Attempt # 2
Out of 30 teams, we scored:
chicken: 19
ribs: 15
pork: 13
brisket: 28
no two ways about it, our brisket sucks. But the sad part is that it didn't suck the worst. There were actually 2 briskets out there that were worse. Now that's tragic.
Did another competition this last weekend and fared a little better than our first attempt in June, top half in ribs and pork but still really struggling with the brisket. The heat this time of year makes things even harder but we are determined to hear our names called!
Overall improvement across the board, our scored were higher on everything and this was a tighter field with lower scores for the winners than the first time we competed. So it didn’t just get easier.
I have discovered I have no grace under pressure, my stomach and my patience both fail me. At one point I totally lost my mind and was in the bathroom sobbing. I am used to getting sleep and 3 hours of cat napping and 90 degree heat just ain’t cutting it. Not to mention that my armpits were sunburned from a float trip 2 days before. From the camping, floating and cooking I am so banged and beat up I look like I crawled out of a car wreck. As a finale, I turned my ankle on the steps leading out of our camper and fell flat on my back, all while talking on a cell phone. Life is good.
The good news: We met another team who offered to help us out and suggested we make a run at a competition this weekend out on the end of town. It’s non-sanctioned and subs pork tenderloin for pork butt but it was inexpensive (relatively) and we need the practice. And there’s $4,000 in prize money available.
Attempt # 2
Out of 30 teams, we scored:
chicken: 19
ribs: 15
pork: 13
brisket: 28
no two ways about it, our brisket sucks. But the sad part is that it didn't suck the worst. There were actually 2 briskets out there that were worse. Now that's tragic.
Don't look now...
But "No Reservations" has come back to life. It was a great idea for a blog, I don't know why I didn't keep it up better.
Well, yeah, I do, but we don't need to go there today.
Vacation was so nice, I wish I were still there. I posted to 43 things about our second BBQ competition, intending to copy it over here, but something's not working right, so I think I'll see if it shows up and if not, I'll copy it over.
In other news, they are tearing the crap out of my kitchen, even as we speak. I hope my car doesn't die soon because this kitchen renovation is taking the place in my budget a car payment might occupy. The Malibu is gong to have to last a little longer since the stove died first.
Well, yeah, I do, but we don't need to go there today.
Vacation was so nice, I wish I were still there. I posted to 43 things about our second BBQ competition, intending to copy it over here, but something's not working right, so I think I'll see if it shows up and if not, I'll copy it over.
In other news, they are tearing the crap out of my kitchen, even as we speak. I hope my car doesn't die soon because this kitchen renovation is taking the place in my budget a car payment might occupy. The Malibu is gong to have to last a little longer since the stove died first.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
