thoughts about love

One of the scribes came near and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, he asked him, "Which commandment is the first of all?" Jesus answered, "The first is, 'Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.' The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31

I have never fallen out of love. I have allowed love to cool, diminish. I have ignored it until it went away. But I never had a day when I just woke up and said "I don't love him anymore".

While going through "The Purpose Driven Life" I see how important it is to do both of the things Jesus tells us -- Love God, love people. Annoying, tempermental, untrustworthy, difficult, moody people. People like me. People like you. People like the guy in my church that always looks like he just woke up, talks a mile a minute and either yells at his girls or ignores them. I see the failures I've had, when I've promised to love and neglected it until that love was a rotting albatross I just had to get away from. I see there are a lot of people I've never loved at all.

I want to live a purpose driven life but more than that -- I want to live a loving life. I wouldn't mind just closing the book here and taking a few years to work on this commandment from Jesus. Love -- love God first, then my family, then my brothers and sisters in Christ (even the annoying ones) -- then the world. Because by love, we prove who we really are and who loves us.

Woah. Some Valentine I got -- the never-ending, never-fail, always-enough, incredibly perfect love of my God. How awesome!

Belated Happy Valentine's to everyone reading. I love you!

Homeward Bound

The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then, moves on.
-Carl Sandburg

Homeward bound, I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought's escaping,
Home where my music's playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
-Paul Simon

And so Gordy has moved on. While I was in a meeting in another part of the building, he went off to a new home with one of my coworkers.

And I feel that in some small way, I did something good.

But I wish I could have said goodbye.

Gordy in from the Cold

There I was in the warehouse, minding my own business, when suddenly I hear this pathetic sound reverberating through the doors.

"meow, meow, meeeeooooooow."

Off to investigate, my co-worker and I discover that there's a cat outside the loading dock. Dirty, beaten, starving and dehydrated, this little boy had once been loved and was now wandering around the West Bottoms alone, hoping for a handout.

Well, he got more than one.

Let's say maybe he found his way in to the offices. Maybe everyone in the marketing department sorta fell in love. And a couple of someones brought food. And someone else donated a litter pan and then litter -- then he got a quick check up and tests for those most deadly of all kitty killers - feline immunovirus (FIV) and feline leukemia. And he was negative.

Say he's sleeping on my desk even now.

I must be crazy. Perhaps it's the water.

Anyway, Gordon needs a home. Gordy is a nice boy. Loving, middle aged, slightly tom-like attitude. Declawed, peachy-creamy marmalade. But Gordon can't stay in the marketing department forever. So if you know anyone in the Kansas City area that can take him, please let me know.

Music to My Ears

This little meme was posted on Liquid Sky Arts -- I thought I'd bring it over here and add that I have finally ended my rebellion against Columbia House and re-upped. The prospect of cd's for less than $4 each was too much for me.

1. Total amount of music files on your computer: 0, I am not smart enough for this highly technical function yet.
2. The last CD you bought was: Maybe Jars of Clay's "Who We Are Instead". But that was a while ago. However, as I mentioned, I just ordered 12 cds from Columbia House:

"All That We Let In" - Indigo Girls
"Here For The Party" - Gretchen Wilson
"Between Here and Gone" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
"One Moment More" - Mindy Smith
"Ollabelle" - Ollabelle
Soundtrack of "Cold Mountain"
"Down the Old Plank Road" - Chieftains
"Further Down the Old Plank Road" - Chieftains
"Songs About Jane" - Maroon 5
"Just Because I'm a Woman" - Various (Tribute to Dolly Parton)
"Undone" - Mercy Me
"Almost There" - Mercy Me

There's some variety for ya.

3. What is the song you last listened to before reading this message? "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman.

4. Write down 10 (OK she said 5 but I'm going for 10) songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you:

1. "Landslide" - written & performed by Stevie Nicks. If my life has a soundtrack, this is the opening song.
2. "Lincoln Avenue" - Train. Dunno, just slow and sad and pretty and I can't leave it alone.
3. "Home" - Sheryl Crow. For when I'm feeling restless and angst-y
4. "Who Am I" - Casting Crowns. For when I'm tired of feeling restless and angst-y.
5. "Red Headed Stranger" - Willie Nelson. Or any other Willie Nelson. Because it reminds me of my dad, way back in the days when I listened to him "sing" to his reel-to-reels.
6. "Somewhere North of Here" - Caedmon's Call. A song that mentions my hometown and has that haunted love-you-but-you're-not-here thing going on. Made me fall in love with the band. Nothing else they ever did sounded better to me than this song.
7. "Breathe" - Sixpence None the Richer. The first worship song that really connected for me.
8. Something, anything by ABBA. Reminds me of the good part of being 12.
9. "All the Things We've Never Done" - performed by Martina McBride. Says, hey, even if marriage hasn't been perfect, there is something beautiful about sticking it out.
10. "If These Walls Could Speak" - originally recorded by Nanci Griffith & Jimmy Webb (I think it was written by Jimmy Webb), it appears on the Red Hot & Country project. I've never heard Shawn Colvin's version, but I'll bet it's great too. If I ever move from my home, it will be the last song I play to my empty house, as a sort of "thank you".

Rock and Roll my World

I've maintained an uncharacteristic silence regarding the refusal of the Zondervan ad in Rolling Stone. Like so many I probably wrote it off as worldy stuff and not likely to change. This is a direct result of my having sent "Entertainment Weekly" a letter a few years back asking the reason behind their refusal to ever review Christian contemporary artists. My letter was met with stony silence, as was the second letter. The third letter was a cancellation of my subscription. I was very sorry to do it and I still read the magazine now and then, when I can catch a copy at the library.

Two things just happened: Rolling Stone changed their mind. And I read this. (Great job, Rabbi.) Wow. I'm happy that this week, anyway, a little battle was won.

Oh and also, there's a great article about Dominic Monaghan in Rolling Stone -- since I'm a fan of both LOTR and Lost, it was double the pleasure.

The Randomness of Thursday afternoon

Place I would live if I suddenly found myself single again: Library Lofts
Soaps I would buy if I were independently wealthy: Lush
Happiest thing that happened to me today: Weight Watchers On the Go
Finally, I get to see it: Nascar 3-D
Is this what heaven looks like? Four Seasons Maui

This is the kind of day I should just go home and go to bed. I'm no good for anyone and I know it. It started this morning over frozen slabs of ribs and continued on this afternoon over procedural stuff at work.

K said something profound to me the other day in the car: "I realized that every second, once it goes, you can never get it back. So I figured I just need to deal with it and be happy." This was in the context of all the things she hates to do, like homework and chores. She's a smart girl. Smarter than me, I guess.

I wonder if young girls know that even when they're middle aged girls, sometimes they'll still daydream of being somewhere else, you know, better. I want to tell K and A this but I think it will just depress them.

On the 30th, our church begins the "40 Days of Purpose" a Bible study based on the Purpose Driven Life. I'm hoping for something wonderful. "Cause on every drive home, I blank out in traffic wondering over and over -- why am I here?

I don't subscribe to either of these guys' philosophies but these quotes do seem apropos in my current frame of mind. Actually, the Kierkegaard is kind of funny. I know the answer but it doesn't prevent me from asking the question from time to time.

Where am I? Who am I? How did I come to be here? What is this thing called the world? How did I come into the world? Why was I not consulted? And If I am compelled to take part in it, Where is the director? I want to see him.
-Kierkegaard

Being religious means asking passionately the question of the meaning of our existence and being willing to receive answers, even if the answers hurt.
- Paul Tillich

If I am here to please God, then let me begin. I hope there is just some small thing in my daily life in which He might find pleasure. But how do I know? It's not like He's tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Hey kid, good job.". It would be nice if He did.

Weighty Issues

Q: If you could change one physical thing about yourself, what would it be?
A: weight. No, wait.... no, weight.

I am back on my Weight Watcher's program again after a long hiatus and an 18 pound weight gain. Of course that's still 30# less than what I weighed 2 1/2 years ago.

I told T last night that the real reason I wanted to get the weight off was not for my health or well-being but because truly I am vain as Snow White's stepmother and when spring rolls around I want to be able to peel off my woolies and bulky sweaters to reveal a bathing suit appropriate body underneath. Actually, what I'm after is a solid fit on the one piece of shiny clothing I own, a green & white satin blouse I bought for my work escapade to Vegas last year.

"Vanity, thy name is woman." Well, Hamlet said that but basically T did too. I don't blame him. My attitude toward weight loss is dysfunctional at best, self-destructive at it's pinnacle. As if the shiny blouse dilemma isn't enough, I also have a 20 year high school reunion this year, should I choose to attend. okaaaaay - stop!-

Weight issues really need to be about what you feel good about and what is healthy. There is no perspective on what a healthy weight is anymore. It's been "thinner is better" since I was old enough to crawl. It's not that I want to be 5'4" and 110# (although it looks pretty good on Natalie Portman, Michelle Williams, Carmen Electra, Shania Twain and Jodie Foster). At that height/weight I would be 4 pounds under my lowest ideal weight by most charts. I'd like to be 5'4" and maybe 135, a weight no self-respecting Hollywooder would ever claim. Of course models and actresses aren't allowed to weigh more than an average-sized chihuahua without being told they're fat.

I guess when it comes down to it, all those weight loss catchphrases, like "fuel is fuel" and "nothing tastes as thin as good feels" just irritate me. If I'm going to lose weight and keep it off, maybe feeding my vanity instead of my face is a justifiable means to an end. I honestly feel better at 147 than I do at 157 and certainly a heckuva lot better than I did at 189 ... plus. I wonder how much better it might feel to be 137? Or 127? I was once -- I just can't remember now.

If it seems like I'm going back and forth on this topic with no clear direction, that's how my weight "life" has been since the 8th grade. Up, down, out, in, no direction, no compass pointing north. Just an endless Bermuda Triangle in which the compass spins and every day I get up only to face this mess again.

Maybe someday I'll get it right.

What Ifs

http://www.theyaremissed.org/ncma/


If that was the final kiss, or
if I let your hand go
and never saw you again
or you never saw me
would we do this differently?

What would you tell me, or
What would I tell you?
That I love the way I saw
time mark your face
these many busy years?

Would you love me laughing, or
how the sun made my hair
look honeyed and wild
and that you were glad that
I made it home in a storm?

What things are never said, or
what feelings stay tucked in tight
while we stand side by side
in the kitchen, not talking
the world turning without mercy.

Would we say thank you, or
just "goodnight, sleep well"
would we even know that this would be
all there was of the "us" and that
tomorrow may change it all?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just some thoughts put to paper after I saw this website. It was a link from a link from a link that originated with a new theater/events venue in downtown KC: www.screenland.com. I can't imagine how much pain the families and friends of those missing people must feel-- to say goodbye for the last time, to have an arguement, to get a hug and kiss and assume that they'll be home later -- and then they just aren't.

For the 150-millionth time, how blessed I am.

The Past

I opened this up with not much to say -- just knowing that I should write something because it's been a while. Then an odd thing happened. The commercial carpet sales person that came to measure my office turned out to be a man I worked with from my very first job out of college. He no longer works for the company but as he talked, he told me about people who were there that have either left or died. As he talked, I could envision them perfectly: each quirk and habit, the way this man held his diet soda or pushed up his glasses, the posture of the secretary as she walked along the halls. The way that man looked behind his desk as he laughed and reached for his coffee cup. It reminded me of how small our world is (especially one you've lived in for 15 years) and also it reminded me of the very fresh, very young girl I was then.

I wonder what she would think of me and the life I live today: different husband, different job, different home and much more complicated concerns. I really was just a girl then -- just 2 years older than my oldest stepdaughter: a novice in marriage and in life. Even my posture in pictures seems to say that not all of me was quite grown up and prepared for what was to come. Some people might think it's sad -- to look at a picture of a girl and say, "Poor thing, she has no idea what's coming." I didn't. But I'm glad I didn't know. I have always dealt best with what's in front of me at that particular moment. The future would paralyze me because I'd spend all my time trying to fix or change it for the better. In the end it all works out, despite my "best efforts".

Life is what it is and sometimes the past drops in to visit. It makes us think of things and people long gone from the world. It certainly blurs and softens with age. It's OK to ponder but I wouldn't want the past to pull up a chair and hang around. Today I will do what's put in front of me and I will remember that girl with some pleasure. And then I will open up the door and let the past go back from whence it came.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

loud and proud

Last night Oprah did a show about the lives of 30-year-old women around the world. I wasn't going to watch but it was actually really interesting... that's interesting, like I didn't know we were so... such... losers.

I was surprised and to find that I was a little ignorant about some of the other lifestyles and traditions featured on the show-- Kuwait, Rwanda, Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia), Australia, Mexico, Brazil, France, Iraq, etc. Except for the woman living in Rwanda, it appears we U.S. women are missing the international boat on shopping, massage, wine, body upkeep and general merry-making. What really disappointed me though was the constant refrain from all the women in these varied and culturally rich places: American women are fat, American women are culturally ignorant, American women don't take pride in their appearance, American women don't enjoy their femininity, American women are loud, big, pushy, self-absorbed. And so on.

Wow, well, OK. As a fat, loud, comfortably-dressed, ignorant American woman, I'd just like to say -- whatever. I don't want to excuse real ignorance and lack of concern for other people groups. But in my own defense, I can only say that there are are 298 million U.S. residents -- and 6.114 billion other people in the world. We're 4.6% of the world population, according to the U.S. census bureau. And we're supposed to know about every thing that happens in each and every one of those other countries? The really ironic part is that in many cases, the women from those countries don't appear to know us at all.

The average American woman I know is a tender mom, a good friend, generous to a fault, loves to laugh, longs for romance, is a loyal wife or girlfriend. She's thoughtful, funny and really, pretty open minded. She'd like to be thinner, prettier and have more massages but she responds to stress by eating and yet struggles with her self image. She works in and out of the home.

The women I know openly weep over world disasters -- like the tsunami in Asia. They don't have emotional off switches and they don't shout everything they say.

But it isn't just American women: that's what people think of all Americans, isn't it? Dare I say it? I shall! I think it's fashionable to bash Americans, while at the same time holding out a hand for cash. We give -- but not enough. We're rich -- but we're stupid. We're poorly educated -- but our universities are filled with international students. We're lazy -- but we work too hard.

Here's what we are: we're blessed, we're lucky, we're who we are by a simple twist of fate -- that we were born here and not in Bangladesh or Siberia. Now that we are here, we work hard. And we'll share with our world brothers and sisters, even as we're vilified and demonized.

I wouldn't trade it for the world, whatever they say about us.

Merry Christmas

My best gift has already come. My childhood friend came to my dad's house on Saturday. We've been friends for almost 30 years, so there isn't much we can't or don't talk about and it was so deeply joyful to see her. I can't even say how much I love spending time with old friends, I should stop being so lazy and do this more often.

That's Christmas for me -- that feeling of being deep and safe in the arms of family and friends. I'm so lucky, because I love where I work and I am so happy when I come home at night to my husband and kid(s) and critters. There have been times lately when I have felt restless and lonely but I just got a heaping helping of what I need most-- closeness, affection, laughter, trust, friendship, safety. Turkey and mashed potatoes, Scrabble with my mom, the ritual of Christmas morning (even if it's a little early). These are the real gifts -- the ones that don't come with bills and the ones that I will hide in my heart for the dry times.

Thanks to God for his gift that enables all other gifts, tangible and intangible. What we have is so precious, I hope you all stop and savor the flavors and aromas of life this Christmas season.

And if I don't talk to you again, Merry, merry Christmas.

Gloria, Gloria! they cry, for their song embraces all that the Lord has begun this day: Glory to God in the highest of heavens! And peace to the people with whom he is pleased! And who are these people? With whom does the good Lord choose to take his pleasure? The shepherds. The plain and nameless--whose every name the Lord knows well. You. And me.—

--Walter Wangerin Jr.

"Somehow he [Tim] gets thoughtful sitting by himself so much, and thinks the strangest things you ever heard. He told me, coming home, that he hoped the people saw him in the church, because he was a cripple, and it might be pleasant for them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk, and blind men see."

--Charles Dickens (A Christmas Carol)

blogjam

Christmas is coming
It's obvious that Christmas plans have overtaken every part of my life. The writing has gone by the wayside and so has everything else I normally do in the evenings and on the weekends. Now there is just endless evenings of wrapping in front of ABC Family's "25 days of Christmas". Actually I'm moving away from wrapping and on to Christmas cards, now.

I don't think this is a bad thing, I'm just saying...

Getting out in front of the New Year's Resolution
I've given myself an early New Year's resolution, promising myself and God to get back to reading the word each day. I equate my spiritual journey to weight loss -- something I need to do for my own health but also something which is easy to blow off when temptation comes along. I'm ashamed to admit this but it's the reality I live in. I'm easing in to it by switching back and forth between my Bible (in a kind of wherever-it-falls-open methodology) and Nicole Johnson's book "Fresh Brewed Life". Last night I read through most of the first chapter of her book and most of Joel. I don't know what it all means yet but I know I feel better already. I was starting to get a dark angry cloud and this morning it really did feel as though the sun was coming out again. It was so good to read that there are other women who feel just like I do sometimes -- when I think I am going crazy and I must be the only one thinking this stuff...

Ms. Johnson quotes another author, Emilie Griffin:

"HE is the one who can tell us the reason for our existence, our place in the scheme of things, our real identity. It is an identity we can't discover for ourselves, that others can't discover in us -- the mystery of who we really are. How we have chased around the world for answers to that riddle, looked into the eyes of others for some hint, some clue, hunted in the multiple worlds of pleasure and experience and self-fulfillment for some glimpse, some revelation, some wisdom, some authority to tell us our right name and our true destination."

And that is how I feel. Maybe this is a mid life crisis only a little bit early, perhaps. I want to have a talk with God and ask Him, "What is my right name?" Where do I fit? Who needs me and for what?

Blessed Beyond Measure
What makes me most irritated about myself and that grey cloud I've been under is the absolute stupidity of it. I am so blessed it's practically running out my ears. My life is a little glittering diamond of a life, sparkly, hard, full of beauty and promise. I am really, really thankful. I am.

But still, I'd like to know,

what
is
my
right
name?

Food Porn

One of the biggest laughs I've gotten so far this week has to do with the introduction (or reintroduction, rather) of the Monster Burger at Hardee's. First, read this article. You should probably also know that I am a former marketing manager for Hardee's. Hence, the reason I care about this tempest in a drink cup.

After years of some really hard times, Hardee's is getting back on its feet -- using whatever means are available, even "food porn". I love the fact that they are now getting some really high profile PR by flying in the face of the healthy-low carb-diet-ourselves-miserable mentality we're beginning to adopt here in the land of plenty. Not that we shouldn't look in the mirror a little more: we are pretty fat. Believe me, as a lifelong dieter, I don't think people should eat a Monster Burger every day. But come ON --- once in a while is OK.

After all, any guesses on the average fat and calories of a sandwich at Panera? They have 8 sandwiches that are over 800 calories each. How about the Dulce de Leche Caramel Cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory? 1010 cal/71 g fat/84 g carb. There's over a 1,000 calories in the Kung Pao Shrimp at P.F. Chang's, 1,280 calories in the Sweet and Sour Pork. Schlotsky's still boasts the highest calorie single sandwich I've ever seen -- the large Original has 1917 cal/102 g fat/8 g fiber/161 g carbs. Now that's a sandwich any Survivor cast member would love to see in Jeff Probt's hands on challenge day.

Truth is, there's a lot of food out there that is bad for you in quantity. But there's also undeniable pleasure in treating yourself to something decadent and gooey once in a great while. After many years of Weight Watchers, I still eat pizza and I still brake for the s'mores and other yummy things at Silver Dollar City when we go at Christmas time. I've learned that I simply don't trust people who don't like food. The whole "food for fuel" mentality honestly gets me down. So we try to eat light and healthy every day -- and have really good treats once in a while. Shave ice on vacation. Mac & cheese and a dixie cup sized taste of homemade peach cobbler from a soul food place on a Friday night, just before we go burn off some energy decorating the church for Christmas. Italian at a nice restaurant before we go to see a play. These things are, in my estimation, part of why it's great to live in America today.

Some day Americans will be thinner and healthier and then we'll need another movement -- one to restore people's sense of humor, which is being dieted off, or liposuctioned out, maybe.

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
-W. Somerset Maugham

Yeshua

Pretty little boy, with olive skin
and fine dark eyes, soft hair,
tiny perfect fingernails and the
rosebud lips all new babies have.

Perfect flower blooming among weeds,
innocent, gentle, greatly adored,
Angels wheel in the night sky
shouting for joy at Your birth.

From humility and obscurity,
You came to bring joy and life.
Water springs in the desert--
at last our Messiah has come!

Slowly, you drift to sleep while
the world wakes up around You.
Time begins again
in this moment and miracle of Your birth.

loser

Lost all my template formatting again, I really, really hate that. I don't even know how it happens. Might help if I actually knew html, oh well.

So, have given the blog a little refresh, not sure if I like it though.

Except the bookshelf, I like that. I'm a voracious reader and those are some of my recent favorites...

(sigh) Have lost some of my favorite blog links ... so if I had you linked and now don't, jus comment below and I'll put you back up. Or if you're a regular and you'd like to be added, I'd love to!

~rose~

First Snow of Winter

Snow come in on white cat feet
come in silence, come on wings.

Come like God is throwing jewels
which His angels swoop to catch.

Come to cover, soft and still
Drift us in to bed, to sleep.

Thanksgiving

Like a lot of families, we always try to start our Thanksgiving meal by saying something we're really thankful for. Here are some of my thoughts:

• a belief in God that stirs me to do better and be better.
• my husband, T. We've been each other's lighthouse for a lot of years now. Steady on, T.
• healthy, happy, well-adjusted stepdaughters who get that people need discipline and that some things must be earned.
• My cats on either side of my ankles at night... my warm and furry bookends.
• My parents, who not only gave me life but also explained to me that I had an obligation to use it to serve others whenever possible.
• Friends who don't see what the rest of the world sees, but rather see the softer, kinder, funnier me that I can be when I know I'm safe.
• A little house that is modest, unpretentious, weatherproof and comfortable enough to welcome friends and family any time someone calls and says they're a few blocks away and can they come by?
• books, which open worlds I might never have thought of or seen.
• music, which is often company enough and can always make me feel better.
• A job that is interesting, rewarding and "safe" from destructive politics and poor management.
• the gift of travel, both personal and professional.
• living in America, where there is abundance, health, help, an incredible standard of living and the freedom to vote, worship, speak, go, create, build and love as we see fit.
• tinted moisturizer
• good genes
• Weight Watchers
• that I don't have to feel like a high school dork any more.
• Diet Coke
• a great sense of direction, literally and figuratively.
• the internet
• a good education

What are you thankful for? C'mon, I don't get many comments...

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. God bless you!

Heaven looks like Hawaii

Since we got back from Hawaii, I've been wanting to set down a few things in writing, here, there, or elsewhere. Here is as good a spot as any. So spread out your beach mat and allow me to talk story. Mahalo!

Day 1
So far, leaving feels a lot lot every business trip I take, except now I have Tim with me. The first leg is a short one - just to Denver. Once there, we have 2 1/2 hours to kill so we walk around with my overpacked book bag and try to decide on the lowest carb lunch. Finally we just go for what looks good and get a burrito the size of my thigh. Not bad! We walk around some more, looking at the other destinations. Tim raises his eyebrows when I tell him I would throw over Hawaii today for London. Silly me.

We get back on the plane. Looong flight. 7 more hours. Time slips backwards as we wing our way across almost 4,000 miles. By the time we land in Honolulu, we are halfway to Japan and I am as far from home as I have ever been. (But not T, who has been to South Korea and Vietnam). Of course, when we get there, we're too tired to do much more than take a walk down to greet the sea and have a mediocre coffeeshop dinner. Off to bed - 8:30p.

Day 2
Logistically, one of our smartest days. We have breakfast at the Chinese buffet in front of our hotel, the Holiday Inn Waikiki. ( I fervently pray for the food to get better.) The we hop the free shuttle to Hilo Hattie's on Nimitz and enter a Disneyland of Hawaiian souvenirs. $100 lighter --later, we take the (free) shuttle to Aloha Tower to start a walking tour of Chinatown. We delay slightly for rain, then set off. This gives us a chance to take the elevator to the top of the Aloha Tower for a panoramic view of Honolulu.

For whatever reason, we always have an affinity for Asian neighborhoods. I think it's because we like food and their communities have so many exotic offerings and presentations. We pass the lei sellers, fish vendors, fruit and vegetable stalls. I notice there's no apples, oranges or tomatoes anywhere we go. But if you want bananas, pineapple, mango, papaya, guava, breadfruit, lychee, well, this is your place.

We proceed along the walking tour outlined in Frommer's and end up in a plaza, anchored on one end by lots of Chinese men playing cards, dominoes and chess. Some scraggly haole on a bike oozes by and as he passes, he says "Hey, want some Maui Wowie?" Farm Girl turns to Nebraska Boy and says, "Did that guy just offer me drugs?" We later watched a deal go down between himself and a middle aged Chinese guy. We also cut our walking tour short after that. But we did briefly stop to watch as the crew from "Lost" set up to film a bank robbery scene.

Our evening was topped off by a Mai Tai and a Blue Hawaiian poolside at the Hilton Hawaiian Village and the show at the super pool. Then we went to take advantage of a buy one get one free coupon for the very lovely Golden Dragon restaurant --- scallops with eggplant and lemon chicken! The wind kicks up and the rain comes in, running the patio diners inside. Bed at 8:30p.

Day 3
Diamond Head is everywhere in Waikiki. It's even a direction. We wanted to hike it early. We waited 15 minutes on the wrong side of the street for the bus -- and missed it, then another hour for a bus to the park entrance and walked in to the crater. Once there, we bumped in to a family that had gotten tired of waiting for the bus and walked, just over 2.5 miles. They were already hot and tired and hadn't even started the climb!

Up we went, along the narrow, stony and moderately crowded path, through tunnels and up two staircases, through an aging military Fire Control Station and finally, out to the breezy, breathtaking view of the coastline and surrounding city. We shared the moment with 50 sweaty tourists and a half dozen small gray mice that evidently don't mind having lots of guests.

Back to Waikiki for some lunch, which we had at this little subterranean bar and grill called Snapper's. A little time to walk the beach and rest before dressing for dinner on the Navatek. A Chi-chi for me and a Lava Flow for T and dinner of Mahi-Mahi, chicken, salad, potatoes, rice, veggies and rolls, with coconut cake for dessert. The view was wonderful and the show was cute. For our anniversary, T bought us the souvenir picture, which I clung to like it was my child. Yet somehow when we got back to the hotel I realized I didn't have it. Lost it. I called the bus line but they said they couldn't find it. Grrr.

Day 4
Still not up much past 9 and waking at 4:30 a.m. works to our advantage and we get an early start, getting a rental car and heading Ewa (west) to H1 and the North Shore. I drive to allow T to gawk all he wants and I try not to stew about the lost photo. We drive past Schofield Barracks, Dole Plantation and many, many red fields filled with pineapple before cresting a small rise and seeing Haleiwa and the North Shore stretching out before us. We drive through the morning sun and stop outside of Haleiwa where we see surfers darting across the highway. We park and walk out on to a small crescent of beach and for a while I just walk up and down. We are 2 of 4 people on shore. A man in board shorts stands knee deep in the water, riveted by the motion and the waves. Man , do I know how that guy feels! I poke fingers in tidal pools, let the waves lap over my feet and just generally hang loose. We double back to Haleiwa for lunch at the Breakers and a pit stop at the Surf Museum, then shave ice at Matsumoto's, which we eat at Haleiwa Beach Park, while we watch a dark grey raincloud move in and the wind kicks up. Tropical shave ice with tiny red azuki beans and ice cream for him, just guava for me.

We stop a half dozen times at different beaches, including the very famous Sunset Beach. We drive past old sugar mills, roadside sweetcorn stands, shrimp farms and through modest, rural windward Oahu. We wrap up the afternoon with a stop at a Macadamia Nut Outlet near Kualoa Ranch and then a side trip to Nu'uanu Pali Lookout-- the rain finally caught up to us here.

We grabbed an early dinner at Brew Moon for Blackened Ahi and Chili Shrimp and a shrimp and red pepper pizza. Delicious!

Day 5
Up early for a drive across to Waianae and Wild Side Specialty Tours. "Slippers" off, contacts in, I am so ready for this trip! We join another couple and a family of 5 for a 4-hour sail and snorkel. There's nothing I can tell you about this day that can capture it-- the sapphire water, the rugged, empty valleys of the leeward side, the kindness of the crew (Denise and Russell). Then we spot spinner dolphins and, well, it's a hankie moment. We slip quickly in to the water while a larger than normal pod of dolphins speed around us like a slick grey flipper freeway. It's awesome. We watch until they are gone and then take off again. We catch up to another large pod and in we go again. If that is the best experience I ever have in my life, it was enough to justify living. Later, we head for Makaha and I spend what seems like an hour rocking in the water while I watch honu (green sea turtles) a few feet below me in the bay. T and I fight a little seasickness once the adrenaline subsides, for which they deal over candied ginger. Wonderful, sweet with bite -- and it works.

Back on dry land, we head to Eggs N' Things for a brunch of omelets and pancakes with coconut syrup. The rest of the afternoon we walk around Waikiki. It ocurred to me to try to call Navatek Cruises to see if someone might have turned the picture in. T though it was a long shot but I figured if someone did find it, they might turn it in there. 2 minutes after I got on the phone with the ticket office they said someone had found it on the bus earlier in the day and turned it in! Exhausted by dinnertime we opt for an easy meal of Round Table Pizza (Garlic Supreme, yum!) and election returns on TV.

Day 6
Up early yet again, we take the Bus to Pearl Harbor and spend the morning touring the memorial and museum. It is a muted morning, reminding me not only of the losses here but the loss of life on 9/11 as well. By noon, I've had all the sadness I can take and we skip a loosely planned trip to the USS Missouri in favor of the Aloha Stadium Flea Market. Best place for cheap souvenirs! You bet! Also not a bad place for an gyro when you've been walking all morning and it's hot. I swear the stadium has 2 climates -- rainy and cool on one side, blazing hot on the other. Wierd.

We scoot back to the bus depot at HHV to pick up our missing anniversary picture. A smiling Navatek employee walks right up to us and hands over the photo, for which I am still extremely grateful. For dinner, we work some coupon magic and go to Singha Thai where we eat slowly to get the early seating required by the coupon and also get to watch the Royal Thai dancers. I am now officially in love with green curries and I thought T was going to kiss the waitress when his coconut ice cream arrived.

Day 7
A beach day, for the most part, interrupted by a sail on the Atlantis sub. We visit the artificial reefs and see an aquarium's worth of tropical fish and even a small shark. A sleepy looking sea turtle is parked on the fore deck of a sunken fishing vessel. I love the trip but am wishing desperately for more of the candied ginger by the time we board the shuttle boat back to Hilton Hawaiian Village. Once on shore, I collapse like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. I actually doze off on my little bamboo mat in the in-and-out-of-the-clouds sunshine while T hikes up and down the beach, industrious and un-seasick. About an hour later I recover enough to join him and we go on our most ambitious walk, a 3.25 mile round trip along Waikiki and down to the Natatorium. We wander through the Royal Hawaiian and Halekulani like we own the place, then as the sun goes down we have a delicious candlelit dinner at Village Steak and Seafood in HHV.

Day 8
Our last full day, we head to Hanauma Bay for snorkeling, in the rain. By the time we get our gear stowed and head to the beach, the showers are steady, the skies are dull. We head out and I quickly realize that the water is rougher than I anticipated -- I see why 2002 had 12 drownings there. I lose T and that scares me more-- I can only describe the feeling as the same one I had when I once lost the girls at the mall. I finally spot him wading on shore. He is having trouble with his mask and decides he has had enough. He stays mostly on the sidelines for the next 2 hours while I snorkel cautiously, alone. Eventually we decide to give up, since the rain and the increasing number of feet are stirring the water up and making it more difficult to see and enjoy the bounty of tropical fish. We spend a rainy afternoon watching TV and dozing and decide during a break in the weather to walk to Victoria Ward Centers for dinner. The rain reasserts itself just as we arrive and we finally settle on the Big City Diner and a walk through Dave and Buster's before heading home in the toad-choking torrents.

Day 9
We spend a beautiful, sunny morning packing all our treasures away for the ride home and then head to Eggs N'Things for a cocnut syrup fix and down to the beach for a final farewell. We shower just before late check out and have 5 hours to kill, so we walk through the Ilikai (another neighboring hotel) and then head back to HHV and waste much of the afternoon browsing the shops and sitting in the cool, comfortable lobby, watching guests come and go and, later, watching some Marines arrive with their dates for a birthday ball. We have a final dinner at Singha Thai and then back to the Holiday Inn to change to our mainland clothes.

Once at the airport, we just tried to keep each other awake until 10:50 p.m. boarding. Only one night in Hawaii did I stay up past 11 p.m. and that was the night before we headed home. On board, I dozed for an hour or two at a time. I would periodically wake up through the night/morning to see Tim, still wide awake. We arrived home at 1 p.m. KC time -- for 2 days I was so disoriented I couldn't remember what day it was.

Well, that's it. We're back to our life but with a better attitude. It was a wonderful trip, all in all. My greatest fear is that I'll never go again -- it was just that good.

reunion station

I am by nature, a curious sort. Also, the older I get, the more people I used to know. Periodically I wonder where they went, what happened and how they are now. Each old friend, boyfriend, rival and coworker is like a little station where my train has stopped. Some I could blow by, no problem-- but a few I'd like to revisit now and then.

While floating around in the Pacific, I began mulling over the idea of a virtual reunion for staff at my old college dorm. Over 2 years, there were 10 or 12 of us who worked and played together and I have lost touch with all but one or two. It's not that I have anything to brag about - I'm a plain girl with a second husband, stepkids, critters, a little house and a job I like. Some of them could brag, I'm sure. Very sure, since I know one woman is now a successful government muckity-muck working under John Ashcroft. But I kind of want them to brag. I love happy endings.

This curiosity must explain why I will probably go to my 20 year high school reunion next year, even though I was a high school nobody. I thought I was unpopular but it turns out I was invisible. I discovered this several years ago while working as a marketing manager for a fast food chain. The assistant principal at a high school near one of my restaurants called to ask for a donation. While I was on the phone I asked if he went to OGHS. He said yes (cautiously) and I enthusiastically said we'd gone to school together, graduated together. There were only 115 kids in my class and this one lived on my bus route. We were also in a 12 member swing choir together. He didn't remember me. At all. Oh, ahhhhh, "nevermind" I said, feeling stupid. Nevertheless, I hope to bump in to a few people to which I was not invisible and see how successful the "most likely to succeed" crowd is doing.

Yes, I'm that person who randomly googles your name to see what your up to. (I'm blushing now.)

Life in 360 Degrees

Normally after I come back from a vacation, I get those post vacation blues. The don't-want-to-get-up-and-go-to-work-yet funk. But today I am feeling strangely elated. I mean really, really good. Inexplicably-peaceful-battery-fully-charged-happy.

So, perhaps you are wondering about the title. It is my new motto, words that came to me while I was snorkeling around the leeward side of Oahu, chasing dolphins. While I bobbed around trying not to open my mouth in amazement (sudden intakes of fishy saltwater do not enhance the snorkel experience), this thought popped in to my head. Life is 360 degrees. If you don't turn around, look around once in a while, you might miss something amazing. In my case, as I focused on the spinner dolphins 15-20 yards away, I nearly missed the ones flanking me on the left, perhaps only 15 feet away.

Life is 360 degrees. It's all around us. Don't get me wrong, it's a great thing to be focused, to take the most efficient route from A to B. But it's ok, I think, to be tempted to meander a little. To study the flowers. To gaze in to the sea and be mesmerized. To float above a group of sea turtles and watch them rock in the currents. To count the shades of blue.

Maybe that's what vacations are best for ... reminding us that there's a bigger world than the one we're chasing. Today I will turn to the left and to the right and see what I've been too tired to notice. I will look in to the faces of the people I meet and smile at them. I will let this happiness spill over. I will keep reminding myself of what God told me in the squeaks and clicks of spinner dolphins: "Look all around you, not just at what's before you. Life is 360 degrees."