Weighty Issues

Q: If you could change one physical thing about yourself, what would it be?
A: weight. No, wait.... no, weight.

I am back on my Weight Watcher's program again after a long hiatus and an 18 pound weight gain. Of course that's still 30# less than what I weighed 2 1/2 years ago.

I told T last night that the real reason I wanted to get the weight off was not for my health or well-being but because truly I am vain as Snow White's stepmother and when spring rolls around I want to be able to peel off my woolies and bulky sweaters to reveal a bathing suit appropriate body underneath. Actually, what I'm after is a solid fit on the one piece of shiny clothing I own, a green & white satin blouse I bought for my work escapade to Vegas last year.

"Vanity, thy name is woman." Well, Hamlet said that but basically T did too. I don't blame him. My attitude toward weight loss is dysfunctional at best, self-destructive at it's pinnacle. As if the shiny blouse dilemma isn't enough, I also have a 20 year high school reunion this year, should I choose to attend. okaaaaay - stop!-

Weight issues really need to be about what you feel good about and what is healthy. There is no perspective on what a healthy weight is anymore. It's been "thinner is better" since I was old enough to crawl. It's not that I want to be 5'4" and 110# (although it looks pretty good on Natalie Portman, Michelle Williams, Carmen Electra, Shania Twain and Jodie Foster). At that height/weight I would be 4 pounds under my lowest ideal weight by most charts. I'd like to be 5'4" and maybe 135, a weight no self-respecting Hollywooder would ever claim. Of course models and actresses aren't allowed to weigh more than an average-sized chihuahua without being told they're fat.

I guess when it comes down to it, all those weight loss catchphrases, like "fuel is fuel" and "nothing tastes as thin as good feels" just irritate me. If I'm going to lose weight and keep it off, maybe feeding my vanity instead of my face is a justifiable means to an end. I honestly feel better at 147 than I do at 157 and certainly a heckuva lot better than I did at 189 ... plus. I wonder how much better it might feel to be 137? Or 127? I was once -- I just can't remember now.

If it seems like I'm going back and forth on this topic with no clear direction, that's how my weight "life" has been since the 8th grade. Up, down, out, in, no direction, no compass pointing north. Just an endless Bermuda Triangle in which the compass spins and every day I get up only to face this mess again.

Maybe someday I'll get it right.