It occurred to me this morning how far I've gotten from my old relationship with God. When I was constantly seeking him, attending church regularly, doing ministry stuff, really trying to walk the walk, well, it just seemed so hard. There was very little comfort there, just a nagging feeling that I could never be good enough. Read the Bible enough. Pray enough. Instead of feeling that I was worthy I felt more unworthy than ever. I never felt I was doing enough. I didn't read the right books, I didn't think the right way.
I put a little distance between myself and God last fall, I admit it. I couldn't focus on more than the crisis right in front of me. I didn't go to church. I still don't. I don't read my Bible at all. I don't set aside time to pray although I do pray for people when asked and I pray "on the fly", i.e. when things come to me. I do that in the car a lot. I feel more skeptical -- but not to the point of disbelief. It's more about the institution of religion and not about the players themselves -- God, Jesus, the Apostles. I miss having a church but my old church doesn't feel like home any more and I don't know how to find someplace new.
I used to wonder what God thought of me in His heaven. Now I just wonder if He thinks of me at all.
Having a relationship with a Diety is hard. It's not like you can just call up and say, "Hey God it's me. We haven't talked in a while but I was thinking about you and wondered if we could just get together. I'd like your opinion on some things and well, I just missed you." Yeah, God's never on the other end of the phone. But I don't worry very much. It may be stupid and arrogant of me but I believe that I will be renewed in my relationship with Him at some point. I believe this is inevitible. I don't want to have to turn to Him in another crisis though because getting through a crisis is hard enough without feeling as though you've been abandoned by the One who put you here. And yeah, I've read that "Footprints in the Sand" poem too. But there's what I know and how I feel and sometimes they are not the same.
Anyway I take encouragement from the story about Jacob wrestling with God. They wrestled all night and God even dislocated his hip. But Jacob refused to quit until he got his blessing. So even though God and I are doing a little wrestling right now, I'm not letting go until I get blessed.
Photo courtesy of this website: The Brick Testament
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2 comments:
I'm in about the same position as you too, sweetie. I've been wresting with God for several years, and in the back of my mind, I know that one day I'll be back. I've not had a home church since high school, and it truly was like a family there. The churches here in OKC are big, and lots of them are more about status and money than they are about worship. But I do struggle daily with this. Especially since Dad died. I wanted to let you know your are not alone. :0) ~Oklahoma
I think sometimes that God lets us wrestle with our own shadow and blesses us by being the referee. The only thing that really helps me in this realm is focusing on the present moment, because the NOW is the place where I feel the Divine (my big God-word) most clearly.
But you can't hold onto the present and package it, except maybe to bring out choice "nows" to savor them at times, and that's where MY struggle with spirituality comes from.
I hope you find a place of feeling blessed, however you get there.
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