I guess it's inevitable that once the immediate crisis that brought you to therapy in the first place has passed, the guy will ask about your childhood.
I don't think about it very much. As an adult I look back and I honestly can't believe that no adults were concerned about this little kid rattling aaround in her own head for so many years. Today when a set of parents split and the kid starts to implode, most people say "hey maybe that kid needs to talk to someone". No one really said that when I was imploding. My teachers did get a wake up call in 4th grade ... I threw a book at another student who was tormenting the crap out of me (along with all her little heathen friends). That earned me two sessions with the school counselor -- before she had an anurysm and had to leave.
That was all the counseling I got -- until I was threatened with losing my job in college if I didn't pull myself together. I did 9 months with a PhD candidate at the University center and kept the job... and then graduated and moved away. Hey I was crazy in love by then -- who needed therapy?
So, other than a 6-week stint of useless marriage counseling and 2 individual attempts to say "hey something's wrong" I never went again. Until now.
And what am I getting out of it now? The satisfaction of being told that however crazy I may FEEL, I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm doing good.
Hey, what do you know? I am. We have a long way to go until things are "right" again but I'm starting to feel like it's not just selfishness that is driving me to say "I need" and "I want". It's OK to take my time, to decide for myself what is right for me. It's OK for me to ask for, and receive, respect.
As long as I've got God in the mix, so Someone doesn't let me fall off the curb.
I wish I could get in to more detail about what's going on but T and I are trying to keep most of this on the down low. Someday I hope all this becomes something we survived to bring encouragement to someone else.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
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2 comments:
Well, being partnered to a therapist, I'd be remiss if I didn't give you a big thumbs up. Courage, sister. You're especially brave in my eyes for blogging your vulnerability.
My experiences with marriage counselors has been an illustration of 'don't do it.'
My experiences with actualy shrinks (psychiatrists, the drugs are way more effective than the talk) is a mixed bag. The first shrink I submitted myself to for ADHD misdiagnosed me as bipolar, which is ridiculous, and sent me away with a sample of a time release lithium so I could come back the next week and say how that shit is making me ill.
I didn't take the dope or make a follow up with that jerk.
The two other psychiatrists and supporting psychologist I've seen have been pretty good. My present psychiatrist isn't as good as the one before, but he's okay. His office help sucks, but it's the same staff as the shrink I'd rather see.
It took me a long time to get to where I could say 'my psychiatrist,' to myself, let alone to friends. But whatever it takes to get you through the shit.
As far as counseling goes: which is more traumatic? The marriage you're rightly leaving or the divorce? I think if the divorce is worse, it's on account of T. That's his failure, not yours.
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