breathe

Some days I feel all right -- some days not. I am beginning to wonder about the depression again or if I just have a self destruct button in my brain somewhere. I'm shocked at how insecure I am for this stage of my life. All those magazines you read talk about how older women-- particularly those approaching 40-- are supposed to be so confident and together. More lies.

I called The Cat yesterday because I decided to go and see her while I'm in her neck of the woods for a trade show in August. Granted she was feeding horses and I was in Wal Mart but I still got the feeling that I was imposing somehow. I'll go anyway. But I'm not sure she meant it when she said I was welcome. It's not just The Cat. All my friends and family are probably tired of my drama. I am.

music I've been listening to:
"You can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
no one can find the rewind button, girl,
so cradle your head in your hands -- and breathe"

T has an interview this morning. He doesn't act very happy about it. I think he would like to stay home for good but of course we can't afford it so he needs to go back soon. I'm hoping he'll feel better about it when he's finished.

Still feeling small pangs of panic about Chicago -- still don't know why. Was double dog dared yesterday to arrive at Midway with no transportation and just wing it. This is against my nature and this double-dog dare-er knows it. Yet I've resolved to accept the dare and just figure it out when I get there. I can always fall back on the train if I must.

"breathe -- just breathe."

How ironic that the two things that keep us going -- breath and a heartbeat -- are involuntary. If we could just stop, would we? Are those things designed to be involuntary by a God who knows how hard things can be sometimes -- and how little we might want to continue?

inhale
exhale
thump
thump
thump