last 25 of my hundred things

deadlines met
surprises
debit cards
picking out baby things
time spent with my sisters-in-law
having a dishwasher
Pure Grace perfume
not having to pick which bill gets paid
Charmed reruns
organization
rechargeable batteries
being asked to be in the birthing room
surprising other people with gifts
being able to say “no problem, I have you covered”
country dances
being useful
Bomb Pops
hearing your name called during the awards ceremony
clever ads
“paid in full”
taking lots of pictures
clean bathrooms and mowed yards
Crème Brulee
remote start (car)
atta girls

Where ya been?

From February to now is a long time. I’m sorry. It isn’t as though there hasn’t been anything to say, or anything going on. I guess life is just moving at this incredible pace and as usual, I’ve been a poor witness.

March 28 I was walking through the parking lot of a K-Mart in Effingham, IL when I got a call from Tim. He said that A had called with news. And then he said “grandma”. And then he waited. And then I got it. Lovely little birdie was announcing news of a baby… just 2 months from graduation from Wesleyan and with no ring on her finger. You’d have thought he’d just told me I was pregnant, couldn't have been any more shocked. After I got done hyperventilating, I called to reassure her that no, I would not be angry and yes we would do whatever we could do to help. This week she enters her last trimester. I have never been so anxious about anything. I will be on pins and needles until I hold this precious grandgirl in my arms. We are ready and delighted to welcome Dan in to our family, soon, we hope. This weekend I’m giving her a shower (yeah I know but rules are made to be broken). Dan is going off with 2 or 3 generations of McCawley men for a manly man get together which will no doubt include copious amounts of grilled meat, adult beverages and boyish behavior. We hens are going to do hen-ish things like have a girly lunch and shop. A has managed to land herself an office job with benefits (which she desperately needs) and she needs some office casual clothes for work.

The Cat is pregnant too—just a month to go. Let’s say she had a different idea about her 40th birthday than I had for mine. I can’t believe she’d starting all over again but yay for her.

Everyone else is whole, if not wholly well. Medical issues continue to plague the houses of my other two BFFs, so say a prayer there if you have a mo.

Oh, there was a cruise in Alaska in May. First time vacationing with anyone in T’s family and a lot more fun than I’d ever imagined. I’d do that again any time. In fact we might consider Europe or the Mediterranean year after next – and this, despite my dear SIL and BIL BOTH coming down with the Norwalk Virus. Norwalk is a nasty little bugger and we were all very careful about washing and sanitizing to the point where our skin was nearly raw. Unfortunately, it didn’t help. For the record, Norwalk is common in shellfish and downing oyster shooters 2 hours before departure might not be the smartest move ever. Although I attribute her illness to another passenger, not the oysters.

2 days after we got home, T went to the hospital with a kidney stone, a surreal experience, since neither of us have been hospitalized for anything as adults. And the joy continues on, since now I get to argue with the insurance company about all the stuff they refused to pay for. But he turned out to be fine with no lasting effects.

See… what else? For the first time in 13 years, I have a dish washer. LOVE that. I bought a car. My dear friend buried her father. T’s nephew got married. The sun set. The stars rose. We stayed married. And T and I have taken 4 ribbons in 3 barbecue competitions. I broke down and bought a pair of crocs. The minor events mix with the major ones in this wild-ass life soup. Eat up.

Now, let’s see if I can stay up on things a bit better from now on.

75/100

For a year I've been working on a list of 100 things that make me happy. This marks the 3/4 complete mark.

1. A clean house
2. Shopping for candles at 5Bs
3. When he opens the door for me
4. Real letters
5. Real Simple
6. The way my hair looks after a fresh trim
7. Losing weight
8. People noticing I’ve lost weight
9. Dark Chocolate Raspberry Godiva bars
10. The way my mom loves me
11. Hotel rooms with a view
12. Fancy soaps
13. Time to browse the library or bookstore
14. Fresh pizza
15. Making it a Blockbuster night
16. Bowling
17. Camping
18. Good books
19. Making plans for a vacation
20. When my girls say they love me
21. When somebody gets me
22. Warm feet
23. When my cats snuggle up with me
24. Seeing my parents’ dreams come true
25. Finishing a project
26.sunshine when it rains
27. singing along to the car radio
28. a new cell phone
29. kisses on the back of my neck
30. winning
31. saving money
32. hysterical laughter
33. great service
34. going to the races
35. Sephora
36. Birthdays
37. Marcon pies
38. Holding babies (and then giving them back)
39. puppies
40. Good performance reviews
41. easy hair
42. frozen custard with hot fudge and raspberries
43. fireworks
44. books on tape
45. new lipstick
46. holding hands
47. being included
48. Sleeping in on Saturday morning
49. Nothing to do on Sunday afternoon
50. naps
51. old friendships
52. reliable cars
53. getting down on the floor and playing with the dogs
54. going to the theatre
55. phone calls from out of the blue
56. rearranging the furniture
57. finishing a book
58. new clothes
59. buffet brunches
60. slot machines that hit
61. the beach
62. looking at old pictures
63. home grown tomatoes
64. rollercoasters
65. ski ball
66. scavenger hunts
67. my parents' voices
68. being told I am my niece's favorite aunt
69. high threadcount sheets
70. watching the birds come to the feeders in winter
71. clean rivers with rope swings
72. water skiing7
3. clear skin
74. orange cheese sauce
75. art galleries

The final 25 soon to come...

From 43 Things - meeting the goal of "Have More Fun"

For the last two years, life’s been anything BUT fun. Finally it got so awful I had to see someone and yes, since my mom will never see this, I can admit… I started on an antidepressant.
Who knew how good I could feel? How my skin wouldn’t feel so thin, the slightest things wouldn’t bring me to tears, I could stop resenting my life and start enjoying it!!! T and I are having the happiest most peaceful stage of our marriage in 12 long years. We laugh, we hold hands, we make plans. We have hobbies and we’re fixing up our house.
So this is my life? Glorious.

Still here

On Thanksgiving, it turns out Tim had pneumonia. He limped through the holiday but the day after we went to urgent care where he received lots of pills, shots and breathing treatments. On the way home, I wrecked my car.... thank God neither of us got hurt.

I couldn't have really imagined a stupider thing to do. Since then it's been pretty low key around our house, with modified gift giving, modified decorating, muted everything. I've had to drop a lot of bucks lately and I'm tired of writing checks. Even the dog had to have surgery.

I'm just tired of lots of things. I got to feeling like whenever I blogged it was bad stuff because this has been my place to vent. But I realized that it must be depressing for everyone to read so I've stopped for a while. Whether chemicals, circumstance, hormones or what, I just don't feel like me right now. So hopefully I'll be back after Christmas with a cheerier disposition.

Merry Christmas to everyone and a Happy New Year. And 2006, you can go to hell.

have you?

Mine are in red.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins (who gets to do this? lucky, lucky me).
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love (no fun)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (doesn't everyone?)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (better with tequila)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites (if a chapel from the 1200's counts)
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight7
2. Gotten married (twice)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship (twice!)
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
99. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
100. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
101. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking (all the time)
102. Had plastic surgery
103. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
104. Wrote articles for a large publication
105. Lost over 100 pounds
106. Held someone while they were having a flashback
107. Piloted an airplane
108. Touched a stingray
109. Broken someone’s heart (hated that)
110. Helped an animal give birth
111. Won money on a T.V. game show
112. Broken a bone
113. Gone on an African photo safari
114. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
115. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
116. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
117. Ridden a horse
118. Had major surgery
119. Had a snake as a pet
120. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
121. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
122. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
123. Visited all 7 continents
124. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
125. Eaten kangaroo meat
126. Eaten sushi
127. Had your picture in the newspaper
128. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
129. Gone back to school
130. Parasailed
131. Touched a cockroach
132. Eaten fried green tomatoes
133. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
134. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read (Daphne Du Maurier)
135. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (chickens, ugh)
136. Skipped all your school reunions
137. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (Spain)
138. Been elected to public office
139. Written your own computer language
140. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream (Spain)
141. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
142. Built your own PC from parts
143. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
144. Had a booth at a street fair
145. Dyed your hair
146. Been a DJ
147. Shaved your head
148. Caused a car accident (recently, unfortunately)
149. Saved someone’s life (gave almost 2 gallons of blood)

Thanksgiving Interrupted

I was to have spent tomorrow evening making the 8 hour trek to South Dakota for Thanksgiving with my sister in law. Because it involves food, Thanksgiving is T's favorite holiday. Also there's no gift giving pressure, just the sensual aroma of bread, turkey and pie. There's football and turkey coma. There's pie with whipped cream

But for us, there's no trip to SD... there's 4 days of hoping not to get on each other's last nerve as he recovers from a particularly nasty virus we don't want to share with everyone else in the family.

So now it's my duty to make Thanksgiving as pleasant as possible for His Royal Sickness. Anyone have any ideas for traditional Thankgiving feasts for 2? Diabetic friendly, also.

cousins redux

So obviously I've been thinking a lot about family lately, certainly over the past few days. The visitation last night was surreal. I mean, it's wierd to walk in to a room full of people you really haven't seen since the last funeral and say "Hi, how are you?" "Oh, great, fine." Hell, if everybody's fine, what are we doing here?

I think the Anglo American mourning tradition could use a good dose of old world reality. What you want is weeping, howling, tearing of clothing, swearing of revenge. What there is is hushed silence, sad standing around and semi-hysterical non-death related conversation over lots and lots of cigarettes out in front of the funeral home. I wanted to grab my glassy-eyed cousins and say "SCREAM, CRY, you'll feel better". She was their sister for heaven's sake and now she's in a box with putty in her head.

There must also be a universal rule about proper casket wear: for women it's always long-sleeved and pink. I don't wear pink in life, please don't make me wear it when I die. I'm much too sallow, I'll just look like a bruised banana lying there. I am never one to buy in to the whole "Wow, she looks so good" rubbish either, when T asked me if it was open casket he said "How'd she look?" Well, she looked dead. Yeah. Dead. Still dead. Personally I want to be cremated immediately upon death and they can do the big glossy photo thing instead of the casket viewing. Or like in "Love Actually," a cool video montage with the Bay City Rollers as a soundtrack.

So another cousin inevitably floats up in conversation, this one is actually my double cousin, meaning we share both sets of grandparents... his dad is my mom's brother, his mother my dad's little sister. See? No inbreeding involved. Get your minds out of the gutter.

He, however, is a family curiosity as he was always very different (meaning kinda smart and artistic and really eccentric) and more so because he has surgically removed himself from our family, both sides, really. Except for his mom and dad. I'm sure it's been more than 20, maybe 25 years since I saw him. Now he's playing in what looks to be an up and coming bluegrass band http://blueharvestband.com/index.html. Interestingly it seems he has claimed his heritage after all, albeit from the comfortable distance between here and NYC. Genetics has obviously programmed even the unwilling to love bluegrass, the folksier the better. It's been my dirty little secret for a few years now and I profess to owning a few bluegrass cds of my own. And I took my mom to see Nickel Creek, which is sorta but almost not really bluegrass. But the mandolin was always my favorite, ever since the 80s when Bruce Hornsby recorded "Mandolin Rain", which isn't even a mandolin song. And yes, I even own a Mike Marshall/Chris Thile cd. And now I'm just babbling. Point is, the band thing is cool, and even though he lies (a lot) about his age on myspace, I hope it becomes fantastically successful. Our kinda smart and artistic and really eccentric grandfather would have been thrilled.

Cousins, cousins, its all I've thought about. Can't we get back to some normal craziness? Well, there was a strange cat stuck 30' up in my maple tree last night -- that was pretty run-of-the-mill crazy. I ran the dogs in to the garage for the night and left the back deck light on so it could work out its issues backwards, down the tree. By morning it was gone.

Goodbye Linda

A lot has happened in two months. Summer has gone away and fall has come again. I have looked down from half way up a mountain, finding that I was too weak to go all the way to the top. Tim and I celebrated 12 years together. We had a third place brisket. My cousin died.

Right. She was murdered.

Linda was shot to death for no damn good reason except she lived in a bad neighborhood and probably told off the wrong guy.

She was good at that. She and I lived very different lives but I knew that about her.

Where we were concerned, two people could not be more different. Her mother was my father's younger sister. They lived a block over from us when I was little but she and her sister and brothers were all much older than I, so we didn't hang out. My exposure to her was really just at holidays. In her teen years she was a wild child who seemed always to be coming and going, doing drugs, disappearing. She'd drop her kid off with my aunt and be gone. She lived hard. I, on the other hand, lived quietly, conservatively. I got my education and then a master's degree. I did drugs as an experiment at a party once and didn't like them so I never did them again. I married. I went to work. Lived clean. Sooner or later she was just a distant image in an old picture: 14 cousins (missing only the two not yet born) in front of the Christmas tree at our grandmother's house -- she a sort of pretty blonde teen in jeans and a plaid shirt with her arm draped around my brother's shoulders, laughing in to the camera. I am crouched near the bottom of that same photo, hair coiffed, perfect little dress, smiling absently at something off camera, feeling and looking terribly out of place.

I saw her most recently at her mother's funeral although I don't know if I even said anything to her. We hardly knew each other, really.

In life she stayed in her part of town and I stayed in mine. In death we return to the same circle. If not for the accident of parentage, she might have been just another incomplete headline of the news. But she was someone. She was. And I am sad. Because I didn't know her any better than anyone else who saw the story of another shooting on the news. Because I can cry over movies, a good book, a tv show, a sprained wrist -- but I cannot cry for Linda.

And I have 13 more cousins I don't know any better than I knew her.

ology

Grub-ology:
What is your salad dressing of choice? Blue cheese, full fat
What is your favorite fast food restauraunt? Taco Bell
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? La Bodega
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? Depends on the service
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? nothing
Name three foods you detest above all others: Liver, lima beans, hominy
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Happy Family
What are your pizza toppings of choice? the works
What do you like to put on your toast? cherry preserves or apple butter
What is our favorite type of gum? Orbit sweet mint

Tech-ology
Number of contacts in your cell phone? maybe 40
Number of contacts in your e-mail address book? same
What is your wallpaper on your computer? beach somewhere tropical
What is your screensaver on your computer? whatever the default is
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? no
How many land line phones do you have in your house? none
How many televisions are in your house? 2
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? coffee maker but DH uses it every day
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? country

Bi-ology:
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? eyes
Are you right handed or left handed? Right
Do you like your smile? yes
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Teeth, tonsils
Would you like to? fat, definitely
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? it's very peaceful in there
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? hearing
When was the last time you had a cavity? don't know
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? 40# dog food bag
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No

Misc-ology:
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? my mom's original pick, Sarah
How do you express your artistic side? writing
What color do you think you look best in? red
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? 5 minutes. I got my ass beat regularly in elementary school -- are you kidding?
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? tiny glass bottle
If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? No way, absolutely not
How often do you go to church? until a year ago twice a week, now, never
Have you ever saved someone's life? Maybe, I gave over a gallon of blood
Has someone ever saved yours? don't know

Dare-ology:
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? No. A block but not a half mile
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? yes
Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? No
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? no
Would you never blog again for $50,000? absolutely
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? no but if you'd asked me 20 years ago I might have
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? no
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? no
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? $100,000
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? yes

Survivor 13 and the possibility of closing the doors

The great thing about having a blog is that I can come here and rant about Survivor 13 and how disappointed I am in the whole "dividing by race" concept. (I still like the schoolyard pick method myself. ) Also it gives me a place to gripe about the fact that the large majority of the players are from California, which is in itself a culture as foreign to me as that of Asia or Mexico. But really, so predictable -- I can already hear the posturing. Boring, boring, boring.

The bad thing about a blog is that sometimes you're just not interesting. And at worst, you offend someone. Or you just get too busy and you can't post anymore.

I'm close to closing it down. I'm a little conflicted though. I think I would miss it if it were gone but on the other hand I just don't have that kind of time anymore and frankly, I find myself boring as hell. There are only about 4 of you who read it -- others that I've invited have declined or been hurt by what I've said, including my own spouse. That said, I'll be posting infrequently and possibly, in a month or so, I'm going to blow it up. I'll have to think about it. Maybe it's time to go back to paper, which seems so much more genteel and Emily Dickenson-like.

erosion

I wonder if growing up and growing older is just this process of erosion and you are either what is eroded away or what is left when everything else has been.

My best friends' marriages are over. The artist formerly known as Frau Lobster and hereafter referred to as Mother Nature is now a single person again -- just this last week. And on the day after, the Cat sent me an e-mail to announce the sudden death of her 12 1/2 year marriage as well.

I look at T and think "how did we survive?" I thought this time last year we were the least likely to be married in August of '06. But here is the secret -- here's what I know. We both wanted it. We loved, we hated, we scratched, fought, cried, screamed, threw things, threatened, cussed and spat but in the end the solidity of our life together was too irresistable.

He is home for me. He has learned after all these years that when I cry all I need is for him to hold me. I don't need my problem solved and I don't need a reproach. I need a pair of arms and a strong chest. He's my best friend, the first person I go to with news or a joke. He is that which I prize above all else -- steady, loyal and faithful.

As for what I am to him, I can't say. But it must be something because when I was ready to let it all go, he held on tight for both of us. I do remember one thing he said -- that I was his rock.

This thing we have is not perfect. And the sandstorms have worn down parts of what we were. But when I look around now I see that we are still standing. And I am amazed.

catch a ride on my train of thought

Does the last post seem self-serving and pathetic?

Does anyone read this any more?

Does anyone like Donna Karan's "Be Delicious" cologne? I hate it, it smells like this girl upstairs who passed out on her first day at work. I tried to help her until the ambulance came and to this day her perfume reminds me of sickness. That sounds mean, I know. Sorry. No more "Be Delicious" for me.

My mouth has tasted like soap all day. Am I getting a cosmic "washing my mouth out"? My language lately certainly justifies it.

I really want to improve my diet and start eating healthier foods that are ony one or two steps removed from their sources... fresh fruit from an orchard, for example. But I had Wendy's for lunch. Not an auspicious start.

I believe in global warming. This place is like a blast furnace -- windy and 100 degrees. Anyone have a match?

I snuck 2 smokes last week. The first was so bad I couldn't finish. The second went down without a thought. My body has old habits my brain knows nothing about.

I wish I'd paid more attention in Spanish and I really wish I had more confidence when I try to speak. And in a related note, when my Spanish-only neighbor hunted up the word "cookies" and smiled, I wanted to hug her. This second language thing is a bitch.

God, I can't wait to wash this perfume off.

Liking yourself

Frau-Lobster-until-Friday points out that I have been MIA from this blog for some time. Well, I'm still here.

I had some thoughts last week about food, fat, self-loathing and childhood. Let's see if I can sort them in to something that makes sense.

And by the way, I love our new kitchen. I'm struggling to keep it from being too fussy and old-ladylike but I'm digging it a lot. It just needs some paint and a few finishing touches.

Anyway, back to the other.

On FridayI cried during dinner. I had been ruminating on some things since, oh last Tuesday I guess. The question arose in my mind that perhaps when I was a child I didn't get the help I needed with my parents' divorce and my emotional and behavioral problems because people didn't like me. (See, just saying that makes me sound pathetic. But bear with me).

I have been around ADD kids and they can be sooooooo annoying. I mean, you want to like all kids. They're kids, right? Especially little girls. But haven't you been around kids who were loud, annoying, clingy, hyper and never did anything they were told? Not brats, just kids who really have no "off" switch. I think I was her. I think I bugged my extended family and our friends so badly that no one wanted to be around me. And I think my parents were completely absorbed in their own drama and unable to focus even a little on the 8 year old kid that was getting caught up in all the big waves. So I just had to figure it all out for myself. Although I didn't do a good job, because I'm still at it.

Without any direction on how to be a well-adjusted person when your family disintegrates, I just sort of tripped my way through adolescence and my teen years. I did grow up. And somehow I end up being this person I really don't like. I have no self esteem, I'm self-centered, I still don't have an off-switch. I can't even hear myself. I talk tooooooooo much. I mean Toooo much. I say the wrong things. I make faces I don't mean and can't even feel. I cannot tell you how many times I have been accused of hijacking meetings. Folks, these are not cute little personality quirks, they are

major flaws.

I'm hard to know and hard to like. And inside the shell I'm so nice! That's what I can't figure out!

At almost 40 (ulp) I surprise myself by sometimes being pretty smart about why I am who I am. Sometimes I can fight the tide and just shut up and be there for someone. I can sometimes hold my husband while he sobs his way through a depressive episode without chiding him for feeling bad. I can occassionally shut my mouth while someone else unburdens themselves.

I believe it is still possible to learn to be a good wife, a good friend and a smart manager. I believe the way is painful and I will make many mistakes. I also believe there is still time to rid myself of my lifelong hate/love relationship with food and my body -- the most tangible evidence of my self-loathing.

Hmmmm.

Does knowing all these things change anything? Will I be mature enought to act upon the things I've finally realized? God, I hope so.

BBQ 2 - 3

Our thrid competition and still no money but this time we managed to turn out a more than edible brisket which is pretty exciting! And we've figured out how to manage the heat on the cookers also which allows for more sleep - 4 hours for me this time but I think T was up more than in the past, too. Our brisket placed 7/17, pretty neat. The other stuff wasn't good - I couldn't do the chicken the way I wanted because they didn't allow any sauce at all and we had to do pork loin instead of Boston butt and we've never smoked pork loin before. The ribs were good but we foiled them and they seemed soggy to me.

Other sleep-losing enterprises includes the long slow path back to having an operational kitchen. The remodel went beautifully and yesterday T's brother helped us install the stove and microwave so now I have functioning appliances again. Everything looks just great although I still have a little work to do. OK, a lot.

Next competition isn't for a month so lots of recovery time and time alos for fixing up the house. Wooo. S'OK. It's too hot to do anything outside right now.

BBQ competition # 2 - from 43 Things

Don't know why this didn't copy over but here it is...

Did another competition this last weekend and fared a little better than our first attempt in June, top half in ribs and pork but still really struggling with the brisket. The heat this time of year makes things even harder but we are determined to hear our names called!

Overall improvement across the board, our scored were higher on everything and this was a tighter field with lower scores for the winners than the first time we competed. So it didn’t just get easier.

I have discovered I have no grace under pressure, my stomach and my patience both fail me. At one point I totally lost my mind and was in the bathroom sobbing. I am used to getting sleep and 3 hours of cat napping and 90 degree heat just ain’t cutting it. Not to mention that my armpits were sunburned from a float trip 2 days before. From the camping, floating and cooking I am so banged and beat up I look like I crawled out of a car wreck. As a finale, I turned my ankle on the steps leading out of our camper and fell flat on my back, all while talking on a cell phone. Life is good.

The good news: We met another team who offered to help us out and suggested we make a run at a competition this weekend out on the end of town. It’s non-sanctioned and subs pork tenderloin for pork butt but it was inexpensive (relatively) and we need the practice. And there’s $4,000 in prize money available.

Attempt # 2
Out of 30 teams, we scored:
chicken: 19
ribs: 15
pork: 13
brisket: 28

no two ways about it, our brisket sucks. But the sad part is that it didn't suck the worst. There were actually 2 briskets out there that were worse. Now that's tragic.

Don't look now...

But "No Reservations" has come back to life. It was a great idea for a blog, I don't know why I didn't keep it up better.

Well, yeah, I do, but we don't need to go there today.

Vacation was so nice, I wish I were still there. I posted to 43 things about our second BBQ competition, intending to copy it over here, but something's not working right, so I think I'll see if it shows up and if not, I'll copy it over.

In other news, they are tearing the crap out of my kitchen, even as we speak. I hope my car doesn't die soon because this kitchen renovation is taking the place in my budget a car payment might occupy. The Malibu is gong to have to last a little longer since the stove died first.

lifted from wdysgrl

1) How old do you wish you were? 19, good year
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened? Getting ready for work and I heard the WTC was on fire so I clicked on the TV right before the second plane hit -- yes, Oklahoma, me too. Wierd, eh?
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? go hunt someone down and try to get it back
4) Do you consider yourself kind? mostly
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be? I don't know what it would be or where, which is why I don't have one, I guess.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be? Spanish
7) Do you know your neighbors? I just met the new ones, she doesn't speak English very well. Her father-in-law can a little and he brought out postcards of their home town in Mexico to show. Between my crappy Spanish and their broken English we got on fine.
8)What do you consider a vacation? anything where I don't have to work. Usually camping but the perfect vacation involves the ocean.
9)Do you follow your horoscope? No
10) Would you move for the person you loved? yeah, but I'd bitch about it probably
11) Are you touchy feely? can be
12) Do you believe that opposites attract? I believe like attracts like and they generally get along a lot better in the long run.
13) Dream job? actress
14) Favorite channel(s)? Food, Speed, HBO when I'm not paying for it
15) Favorite place to go on a weekend? camping
16) Showers or Bath? shower
17) Do you paint your nails? Toenails-yes, fingernails-no1
8) Do you trust people easily? not anymore
19) What are your phobias? being made fun of
20) Do you want kids? not anymore
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal? Yes
22) Where would you rather be right now? beach
23) What makes you feel warm and safe? couch, blanket, TV
24) Heavy or light sleep? could hear a pin drop, such a drag
25) Are you paranoid? about some things
26) Are you impatient? Yes
27) Who can you relate to? Stacie, the Cat, my mom (only sometimes)
28 ) How do you feel about interracial couples? OK with me
29) Have you been burned by love? Are you kidding? Am I breathing?
30) Whats your life motto?? keep diggin'
31) What's your main ring tone on your cell? some generic, my phone with Dancing Queen got stolen.
32) What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping
33) Who was your last text message from? Stacie
34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine
35) What color shirt are you wearing? red tank, white open weave summer sweater
36) Most recent movie you watched? at the movies it was United 93
37) Name five things you have on you at all times? glasses, wedding rings, at least one pair of earrings, usually my purse and in my purse, usually a book
38.) What color are your bed sheets? cream with bue flowers
9) How much cash do you have on you right now? none, sad
40) What is your favorite part of chicken? leg
41) What's your favorite town/city? Honolulu
42) I can't wait till...the next time I go to Vegas
43) Who got you to join myspace? I delisted. It's creepy.
44) What did you have for dinner last night? Arandas Mexicanas
45) How tall are you barefoot? 5' 3 and 3/4"
46) Have you ever smoked crack? no, no, no
47) Do you own a gun? T has a shotgun
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? diet coke
49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? my boobs have already done a great job
50) Do you have A.D.D.? yep, what did you say?
51) What time did you wake up today?5:00 a.m.
52) Current worry? that the kids hate me
53) Current hate? uncut lawns and getting up early
54) Favorite place to be? beach
55) Where would you like to travel? the UK
56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? I have no idea and I don't really like to think about it. I'll just take it as it comes.
57) last thing you ate? bagel
58) What songs do you sing in the shower? I sing in the car
59) Last person that made you laugh? A couple of the guys here at work
60) Worst injury you've ever had? stitches
61) Does someone have a crush on you? no
62) What is your favorite candy? Cadbury Fruit and Nut, sour patch kids, jelly bellies

in and out

I was gonna blog, I swear it. I was gonna blog on the day I had to chase the woodchuck out from under my car. That was the day after I removed a toad from my laundry room and 2 days after I had to punch a mouse.

Now you're wondering, aren't you?

The dog caught the mouse but didn't kill it, only mortally wounded it. I was in the way back yard with flipflops and no tools, just some heavy duty work gloves. For some reason I decided to punch it real hard in the head in the hopes that it would be stunned enough that it wouldn't run off or try to bite my foot. I killed it instead. So there you go.

As for the toad, I think it snuck in the house in the dark, when I was emptying the dehumidifier in to the flower bed. And I can't explain the wood chuck. It was just there.

So I didn't blog and I haven't blogged and now I'm leaving to go camping for a week. Guess you'll have to excuse me while I take a summer break.

Until the 10th, take care.

Where you been?

Ooooh, I hate it when my blogging friends take extensive leaves of absence. And there, I just did the same.

I haven't been anywhere special, just, you know, living and working and doing what we do. Getting aligned for the next competition, puzzling over what to get for T for Father's Day and feeling generally like i want to get out and experience summer.

T doesn't know it but I signed us up for a BBQ judging class today with "Dr. Death" master judger, Ed Roith. That's what I finally settled on.

Also, he doesn't know that I'm dragging him to Theater in the Park for "Cats" which I've never seen. I think a picnic and an evening under the stars -- just getting out on a Friday night -- will be fun. And my macho husband actually likes musicals, especially if I feed him.

After 3 weekends on the road (including 2 family reunions) it will be nice to stay home, get my house clean, open up the pool, fall asleep to the drone of the race on TV on Sunday. Run around in shorts with no makeup and bare feet. Not hurry, not worry, just be.

Hope you all have a good, peaceful weekend.