Blog entries that were never born

I've had a hundred wierd or deep thoughts over the last few weeks. That's how many opportunities I think I may have missed to post here. There's a lot going on these days but none of it seems to get blogged. So here's the reader's digest version:

• Travel - there was lots. Four trips in five weeks. Stopped now.
• Oil of Olay energy glow lotion - cool stuff. I'm not orange and I'm not white. Excellent news.
• Camping this weekend - his family reunion.
• Our first BBQ contest is next weekend - I make the chicken and T manages the rest. Hope we don't embarrass ourselves. Hope he has fun.
• LOST - wow. Did you watch that? What did you think?
• Weekend after next - 'nother family reunion, still his. Waaaay up in Nebraska, almost to SD. Anyone want to babysit my dogs?
• hot here. Hot there? Ugh. What happened to spring?
• I've got my hair somewhat under control now but I'm not going to get in to it. Let's just say I rethought the problem and came up with a solution I'm happy with.
• I'm still not smoking. Sometimes I miss it but mostly I'm ok.
• I want to see "Over the Hedge" and the "X-Men" -- no time, no time.
• Where did May go?
• I need to get back on my diet. I feel like an overfilled balloon. I've had Mexican twice this week. And I could have it again and be happy.

See? Nothing really very profound.

I had some profound thoughts but did not write them down. I need to get better about that.

Here's a fresh one from this morning:
Several times in the past few days and weeks I have made a mental note to myself, mostly regarding the passage of time. Actually, it's more like the lightbulb coming on. For instance, this morning as I was making our bed I thought about the last time the A/C was on. The last time I had the air conditioning on, our marriage was in total system failure and I was sleeping alone on a blow up mattress on the floor of a bare apartment across town. I was worrying every minute about money and the kids and my marriage and him and also myself. I was wishing I could fast forward myself 6 months and see how it ended. Well, it's been nine months now. This is my resolution and it's better than I ever could have hoped. It made T turning on the air last night seem monumental in some way, although only to me, I'm sure. Each little moment is another mile gone from where we were -- and a little closer to the new life we're making.

Well, that's probably all you'll hear from me until after the holiday. I wish everyone a great weekend!

I quit

It's been a week since I quit smoking.

I don't remember the last one I had, I know it was in Vegas. I have known for a long time that I should give them up but you know, I like smoking. Simple. I just do. But I told T and more than that, I promised myself that I would quit by my birthday and even though it's still 5 weeks away, I had one left and I got rid of it before we got on the plane. And then I decided not to buy any more.

I miss it. I didn't even smoke that much. But I know that it's the right thing to do... maybe my blood pressure will go down a little and get me out of the "pre-hypertension" category. I always thought 120/80 was good... now I guess it's not so much.

Even Mother Nature (I revert back to an old nickname for the former Frau Lobster) who has been laid up in the hospital all week has been trying to keep me on the straight and narrow. A coworker took the rental car keys when we were out of town earlier in the week, stating that "If you are going to smoke, you're going to have to walk to get them." It's been a long time since I sat in a Hampton Inn room all evening with crap on TV and no cigarettes.

Someone tell me I'll be better off. But I don't want to be one of those smug bastards who wrinkles their nose every time someone walks by with a cigarette... nor do I want to be huffing the second hand smoke.

Just another sign that I am grown up after all.

Back again ... and gone

I have a day between trips, just to clear off my desk and then go again... Vegas was fun but kind of long. I did develop a disturbing new taste for sour apple martinis though, just what I needed.

I would upload some pictures but the trusty little Canon has disappeared ... a victim of my carelessness or someone's pilfering while we were at the trade show. I'm devastated. I cried over that camera... I really want it back. Maybe, just maybe it will turn up??? No, I guess not.

I tried not to think about mother's day ... it's always tough to grapple with that same old demon -- I didn't have children of my own. Still for the last 12 years I never felt as though I'd missed out because I had the girls. And now that the relationship has changed, I miss them desperately and all my insecurities come swooping in... I'm just glad it's over for another year.

On the other hand, for Mother's Day T did give me a beautiful card, a little gold ring, a BBQ apron and a bright orange cone (pictured here).

We are amused.

He's such a good man.

There is no stepmother's day

I am evil.
I am an alien.
I am an archetype.
I am wicked.

I once dried tears.
Took you shopping.
Paid the tuition.
Gave advice.

I cleaned you up.
I held your hand.
I brushed your hair.
I made a vow.

I am no one now.
I am nothing now.

There is no stepmother's day.

Viva

Las Vegas.

I'm off for a week at a trade show. Hopefully a little fun but also plenty of work. Lots of long days. But I'm not complaining... hope everyone has had a lovely May so far and doesn't get too far in to the tequila while celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

It's kind of neat how we manage to work holidays and celebrations of our own cultures in to the American experience. St. Pat's, Oktoberfest, what else? Shall we start celebrating Boxing Day? I'm in favor. How about Victoria Day? Please feel free to add your proposed holidays below.

Until we meet again, hit me. Uh, make that $50 on red. Oh, maybe not.

Happy May Day

Odds n ends:
3 trips in 4 weeks has morphed in to 4 trips in 5 weeks. I've got the whole slip-on shoe, computer out of the case, driver's license and boarding pass in the left and a diet coke in the right hand thing down to a science.

It finally rained. We're still down for precip but at least the next time T mows, 1/2 the topsoil from my yard won't blow in to the living room. It's been like the freakin' Oklahoma dustbowl.

Wildlife spotted on recent trips: swans in Michigan and prairie dogs on the OK/TX border. V cool.

I have forgotten how good it feels to eat healthy food. My eating habits have been appalling lately. It has run the gamut from German chocolate milkshakes from Braum's to cherry sours and pizza and Zapp's potato chips. However, here's one arguement for eating the bad stuff -- just as I was fixing my salad last night, 60 Minutes featured a story about people contracting e. coli from bagged salad. Which, was, of course, what I was using. Lovely. I want to have my innards rearranged by lettuce.

People Magazine's Most Beautiful 100 needs to be renamed People's Most Beautiful Celebrities. But thanks, People, for not including Paris Hilton. I always think it's interesting that people "fall off" the list. Did they get less beautiful? I mean, how can a guy be the Sexiest Man Alive and then just fishbait? The issue is shallow and stupid, but dangit, I still bought it.

Tired, so tired. I get all rested on Saturday morning, only to ruin the feeling by staying up too late on Sunday night. I never learn.

United 93

I don't usually go to movies, since T's not a big fan. But this was one he actually wanted to see, so on Saturday we had a rare afternoon at the show. This was the first time I dipped in to my gift certificates from Christmas and I couldn't think of a worthier movie to spend them on.

A lot of people say it's "this year's Passion of the Christ". Well, to me there are no similarities -- except one. That feeling of wanting to crawl under the seat so you don't have to watch what's going to happen. My brain was literally racing and I know I missed details and dialogue. I will have to watch again when the dvd comes out. And this time I'll have a drink, because God, this is a hard movie to watch.

Saturday night after we got back from the movies I saw that A&E was showing their earlier version, "Flight 93". There was simply no comparison. "United 93" is harrowing, white knuckle, intense, indescribable. It's like being there. It's hard not to yell at the screen. The TV version is like one of those disease movies of the week. People should be sweating. People should be crying. Noses should be running. People should not be sitting there being all stoic and beautiful. Of course, credit to A&E because their version came out much earlier and had a harder row to hoe. But if you think you've seen "United 93" because you saw "Flight 93", you ain't seen nothin'.

A few observations from the peanut gallery:

1. This is a powerful teaching tool, both for the attacked and the attackers. Should this happen in the future, most assuredly it will not happen the same way again.
2. If I have the bad luck to get hijacked, I will never believe that they will let us live. Therefore I feel it's my obligation to tell my family that I WILL fight. I will fight. I will cry and I will probably pee my pants. But I will kick, pull hair, gouge with fingernails and do everything I can do to inflict some harm on the hijackers.
3. I shook through the entire movie.
4. I think a lot about the difference between here and not here. You are on the phone with someone you love, wanting to hold on to them wanting them to hold on to your voice. They are there. Then they are not. The ability for thousands of victims to grab a cell and say goodbye gave 9-11 a very different texture.
5. At the end of the movie, there was no noise in the theater. At all.
6. The choice to use "non-celebrities" was perfect. Known names would have been a distraction. I recognized a few of the actors, but I'm not sure from where.
7. This movie made me think more of Schindler's List than Passion of the Christ. If you've forgotten the shock and the horror and the confusion of that day, this will put you back there.
8. Absolutely wonderful acting from many non-actors. I am curious about their choice to relive that day. It must have been incredibly hard.

If you wonder whether or not you should see it, go. Take kleenex. Those tears at the end aren't the manipulated Hollywood variety tears, they're real.

Bravo.

Dear Blackberry Guy...

I'm so glad that you were able to pull that little sleight of hand on the plane today. When the flight attendant told you to turn your Blackberry off so we could land you palmed it like a cheap magician and as soon as the wheels touched down you pulled it out from your armpit and resumed typing.

I'm so glad your life, my life and our fellow passenger's lives were less important than the message you were typing.

Loser.

End note: I'm traveling today... again. Trip number 2 of 3 in four weeks. The best part is I get HBO in the hotel so I can watch Elizabeth I. Helen Mirren rocks.

The perfect job

So in the enthusiasm of my youth I thought there would be such a thing as the perfect job. I wasn't going to fall in to some career like my father did, uh-huh. I was gonna plan for it and make it happen and spend the rest of my life making amazing money and loving every minute of my 8- to 5.

I think perfect jobs are a myth. Granted, there are some very cool jobs out there: greeting card writer, book editor, park naturalist, travel writer or a movie reviewer. There are people making a living as ice cream tasters, for pity's sake! But even those jobs probably have their drawbacks: writer's block, lost luggage, brain freeze.

Just for the record, while I never found the "perfect job", I did find one I liked. I feel incredibly fortunate when I have a day that feels more like play than labor. I do feel a little green now and then when I see people making a living as stage actors, Food Network execs, talent scouts and merchandise buyers. But all in all I feel pretty grateful that I didn't make a mistake when I signed up for all those writing classes and schlepped my way through my MBA. Granted, my career's taken some pretty wierd twists but all in all I think I'm one of the fortunate ones.

Not that I wouldn't still love to be the Wildlife Manager at the Hilton Hawaiian Village. But I'm pretty happy being a marketing geek at a Small-to-Midsize Manufacturer in the Midwest. If this is where I retire, so be it. But please God don't let it be with the same title, pay and position.

Feel Inspired: Love My Job

Friday afternoon again

I'd like to be anywhere but at work. Oh, OK. Maybe not getting day surgery or buying a car, but still.

I keep mentioning the four-legged senior center I'm running but it's becoming more and more apparent that some of my furkids are feeling a bit south of good these days. Dusty, my long-haired Maine Coon cat (that's him expressing his opinion of my blog lately) spends the better part of every day sleeping on the bed now. This does not make him unique among cats, I know. But lately it seems that he's hardly ever up. He doesn't stay by my side like he used to and when you walk in a room he gives you this groggy, disoriented look like he just not feeling well. Even T has noticed.

I know I will cry buckets when I lose him. I know I will be ridiculous. People will think I've gone fruitloops. But I'm crazy about him, he's hands down the favorite pet of my adult life. No critter on earth has made me feel better when I have been sad than this guy has.

By the way, pets are great therapy. Especially when you're lonely.

As for Friday afternoon: it's sunny. I'm inside. We need rain. Gas is expensive. That's what I'm worried about -- drought and fuel costs.

Oh, is it time to go home yet???

The end of the week

I am the only one here. At 10 minutes to 5 p.m. on Good Friday afternoon, I am completely alone in my department. 7 people are on vacation or otherwise absent. Not me. I'm like freakin' Lassie. Sit. Stay. Golly, I must seem stupid. It's 88 degrees! And sunny!

On the bright side, I've gotten a lot done this afternoon. My last post was about the inevitability of work-related fires. I didn't know it was a full moon this week or I'd have known, maybe, how bad it would actually get. It was much worse than I expected. It took me the rest of the week to get 3 things done on my list. One per day. And I added that many more just a few minutes ago. "Go to Jail. GO Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200."

A belated happy birthday to the love of my life, who celebrated his 42nd birthday with lots of Italian food and an early turn-in from food coma. Last night we extended the celebration a bit by going to see "Married Alive" at the American Heartland Theatre. It was a great date night. He never reads this blog any more because, well, he just doesn't want to know. But Happy Birthday anyway, honey.

So I'm hoping to take my blogging in a more professional direction (in addition to this highly unprofessional personal blog). My boss is really high on the idea of a blog for our retail animal health business. I'm excited about doing it -- or I was three weeks ago. I'm still waiting for the webmaster to set up a spot for me on the website and it's not his priority right now. Don't think it's even in the top 20, actually. So the shine is sort of off the penny but once we get it going it should be great. Very radical idea for a little company like mine. So very 21st Century.

Side note: if womens' clothing manufacturers want to put back pockets on pants to break up the wide expanse of my ass, that's fine. It makes total sense. But I will never actually use the pocket and in the meantime it's just creating a bunchy, lumpy, flashing neon sign that says, "look at my butt. And while your eyes are down there, check out my panty lines too." Ugh. I need to take In Style's advice and cut the pockets off and sew them up.

Sigh. TMI, sorry. As I said, I'm all alone. I've gone a little buggy. And now I'm going home.

Happy Easter. Happy Resurrection Day. And in all sincerity, thanks to God for Your gift. Only You knew how much we would need a Messiah.

The end of the day

Why does it always seem that I don't get really productive until everyone else's day is over?

I love, love, love the silence of an empty office. I love the act of getting organized for the next day. What I do not love is knowing that no matter how carefully I plan, tomorrow will come and bring with it another fire. And all my organization will go to blazes. Big bright orange flames.

I am this way at home, too. I do my best work at 9p.m. when T has tucked in for the night. I guess I am and may always be a bit of a hoot-owl.

On another subject, camping was the best... although too early for mushrooms. But we took the dogs and they did great. So funny, they were absolutely confused and delighted. Makes me wish that we'd made them inside dogs from the very beginning. Next time, we will have an inside dog -- but after the aging zoo I'm keeping dies off I'm limiting myself to one cat and one dog and no long haired cats or super-shedding mutts. Which means probably not the Sheltie I've always wanted. But that's ok. And hopefully, way down the road

Spring comes

...blogs go to hell.

Looking forward to the weekend... we are going camping for the first time since Labor Day. Seems a long long time and so much has happened since our last trip, but what a relief to get back to a routine that gives us both so much joy. I can't even tell you how happy it makes me to do this simple, normal thing.

Got a lot to get done between now and then... this will be the first time we've ever taken the dogs, too. Abby the famous D-O-G can't be left alone any more... afraid she'll get down and not be able to get up. Besides she needs her arthritis pills. Drugs for everyone these days. She and T are sharing a bottle of glucosamine, the good news is I don't have to coat T's pill with peanut butter for him to take it.

I hope there will be mushrooms but even if there aren't any at all I know we'll still have fun.

Inside my Head

Outside my head, things are very much as normal. The prep work is progressing on the home improvements we've planned. The taxes will be filed in a timely manner. We are eating our way through the ridiculous amount of food we have in the freezer. I am gaining weight, a temporary setback, I think.

Inside my head, things are peculiar. There is something else entirely going on.

Last Friday I attended a funeral for the Cat's grandfather. Her family was basically my surrogate family from the time we met as 8-year-old third graders. My family was pretty much imploding and they gave me a soft place to fall. I spent summers, holidays, weekends and sometimes weekdays under their roof and in the barn, creek, back fields and front 40. I pitched in with chores, got in trouble, got punished and got to be just another one of the kids. Despite the fact that I moved away in 8th grade, the Cat and I stayed tight and from age 16-18 1/2 I also dated the Cat's brother, a.k.a. the First. Since the First and I broke up in 1985 I have been very shy to go back for reasons I don't even think I can even put down "on paper". I've made only a handful of appearances.

But, on Friday, I did. I went back. I saw the Cat, her sister, the First and the parents. Also her cousins, her grandma and a collection of other fringe characters. I was ashamed: I cannot explain why I have been hiding all these years. But I have. I love them just as much now as I did then only with the appreciation of a grown-up who understands what a gift that time was. Yet I cannot tell them.

And so we spent a little time. We watched videos of us kids as preteens/teens (like having sharp nails dragged across my bare skin). We played cards. I took a long look at the First's kids. I felt the camaraderie of the Cat's kids, who were probably as overwhelmed as I but still pretty fun to talk to. I put the Cat in my car --- and at that moment it felt like we were 17 again and not a day, not a year, had gone by. I spent a day being buffeted repeatedly by the waves of memory and emotion. It will take time to sort it out.

Also K & A are in my head and not in a happy way. We can't all go on ignoring one another, although I'll be the first to admit this would be easier than dealing with our problems. I'm at a loss. I'm angry but I miss them.

Inside my head is the burden of mistakes made, of time, memory, sadness, regret, love, hope and hopelessness.

Outside my head it looks like just another spring day.

it's a new week

My WW week starts on Wednesday, so it's a new week for me. Thank heaven. Last week was San Diego. I did not journal. I did walk, a lot. I also ate gnocchi, creme brulee, a German chocolate cupcake (for breakfast, no less), fried fish, Ghirardelli chocolate and some other things that people on WW don't usually eat. It was fun. The gnocchi was from de' Medici and was good enough to make me want to cry for joy. The weather was nice for walking and the scenery was great. When I got home I did not stop eating but rather had T's smoked chops, subs, lemon cake, ice cream (in the 1/2 cup measuring cup, though) and more chocolate.

I walked an average of probably 4 miles a day while on the road. That's not treadmill walking but real walking with a heavy briefcase and sweat and everything. And God smiled. All my food sins and I still lost 2/10 of a pound. Enough to let me see the 158 on the digital scale. I didn't do much to deserve it but I'll take it anyway.

So then the question is, can I get serious and drop another 10 pounds before the next show on May 7? 10 pounds, 5 weeks? Possible -- but highly unlikely. I know of what my body and mind are capable.We shall see.

I just need to stay out of the River Market and away from this place: Frou Frou Sweets. Cupcakes to me are really perfection: not having ever been a big cake eater, I want tons of flavor and sweetness in a small package. I don't need a big hunk o' cake. Cupcakes fit the bill. I'm sure cupcakes are so 5 minutes ago in New York but here we like to take things a little slower.

don't feel like it

I don't feel like blogging.

I don't feel like dieting.

I don't feel like figuring out any more stuff that has to do with kitchens, windows, missing hair or venous lakes.
___________

The laser lady shot me up again yesterday and this time my lip swelled and got a very angry purple. I keep feeling like people can see it, though, like my hair, I'm sure it's my imagination. The laser lady says I should not have to come back, this time she thinks she got it. Yay.

I did have a nice lunch. I had the quiche and split the lemon cake. It's a very "ladies who lunch" kind of place. And I am so not. So I felt funny. Not funny wierd, but funny ironic.

My biggest regret of the day is that I didn't go down to the candy shop for jelly bellies before coming back to work. And that I didn't do something better with my hair, it looks stringy.

Ah, maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all. Those are pretty small regrets.

The Big Show

The show we're working is all about pets. I am amazed by the breadth and variety of products people will buy to pamper their furry friends. And I have to admit, it's fun to be in the company of so many pet people like myself, inventors and business people who have made their passion a vocation.

I've even found something I want to buy: Quick Finder. It's not out yet but when it is, I want one. It's like a stud finder but it tells you where the quick is in a pet's claws -- not an easy thing when they're black. This device will help inept people like me from clipping in to that vein that makes my deck look like a crime scene because I've nicked 2 or 3 claws and she's bled all over everything. It's something that Abby the famous dog will defintely benefit from. So PetSmart, please buy this device. I'm waiting.

Outside my window

Thank you hotel, for giving me free high-speed access so I can post more silly, rambling blog posts.

Landed fine in San Diego and hotfooted it to the convention center to set up our booth, which didn't take long. Stopped off in the press room to drop off press kits and decided if we are going to do this (and we should) we are going to have to jazz these things up significantly. But hey, we are a small company and this is better than nothing. Nothing was last year. I met a woman from CBS who needed live critters for one of her segments and had none. I of course thought longingly of my mostly useless and rapidly aging home petting zoo, 1600 miles to the east. It was a great opportunity that slipped helplessly out of my critter-free hands. Oh well.

At 1 p.m. local we finally found some lunch, this to supplement my ever so healthy breakfast of German Chocolate cupcake. Hey, a friend gave me a cupcake yesterday and I never got a chance to eat it. Cupcakes make an excellent breakfast. Flour, milk, eggs, it's all healthy stuff, right? Then we trekked back to the hotel after a quick stop at Hilo Hattie's for a suprise for T. And now I have dutifully checked all my e-mail, responded appropriately and am now killing time here. And outside my window? A Wyland Whale Wall, the San Diego Trolley and The Coaster. Oh yes, and a large Caterpillar jackhammer. It should be a fun, but not quiet, 4 days in California.

Spring and a Plane Ride

Diet update: despite my better efforts to gain, I have managed to lose what I gained last week and a little bit more. The slider is headed east again, I like that. We even had a traditional "Figgs dinner" on St. Patrick's Day (I learned a new term): corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, onions and carrots. I stayed heavy on the veggies and light on the beef.

Well, off to San Diego tomorrow for a work thing. This will take me through the weekend, which means working two weeks straight, always a bit of a bummer. I'll be back Sunday evening, just in time for work bright & early Monday. As always, I need to pick a new book to take, I'm somewhere between "Don't Know Much About History" and "The Doomsday Book" by Connie Willis. Two completely different reads, might take them both. And I still haven't finished "Time and Chance" or "Tales from the Scale" but I only have a few pages left on "Tales from the Scale" so that one doesn't count. Luckily I haven't got a big backlog of magazines like usual. This, not clothes, is why my suitcases are so damn heavy.

Our first day of spring came with snow. Gotta love this midwestern weather. It is some freaky stuff. On Sunday I ran around the yard picking up broken branches and cutting a vase full of the most beautiful daffodils: I figured the cold weather would ruin them and I may as well enjoy some inside. I am glad I did it, though I usually refrain from cutting flowers. I think I'm going to do it more often. They just look like springtime.

Thoughts pinballing around in my head:

• We've now expanded the kitchen renovation to include windows, 4 to start. We did locate a great deal on some appliances and a gorgeous slate tile. Just a few more steps to start in earnest.
• feline arthritis: my aging menagerie continues to pose new challenges. Dusty now has to be brushed daily and bathed with dry shampoo because he can't clean himself. He's like a former male model, fat and totally gone to seed. On Sunday, KC (my other cat) apparently found him so offensive that SHE gave him a bath. And his gimp is terrible to watch but I haven't figured out what to do for him yet.
• canine arthritis. 50 mg Rimadyl won't do it for Abby. We cut the meds and she's back to hobbling. So, though we know it will shorten her life, we have to choose between quality and quantity. She's already 11, I choose quality.
• The never ending cold. Is never ending. But the coughing is sooo much better than it was. I loosened a few ribs on Sunday but for the most part only sound like a multi-pack smoker when I laugh. AFV is just about killing me, although I watch it anyway. As I told T last night, people falling down is always funny.

What a shockingly dull post. Maybe something better later. Or maybe not. It's just me, after all, not Hemingway. ;-)

Oooh Sephora, what are you doing to me?

Is it SEPH-or-a or Se-PHOR-a?

All I know is that you used to only be in the rarest places -- the once-a-year I-can-handle-you places. You are in Las Vegas. Chicago. You showed up in Murcia, but you were small there, just a dainty cousin to your overblown Sin City counterpart.

Now, NOW you are coming to my neighborhood. I don't need this Sephora. You are stalking me. You are plotting, with your sexy French accent, to take all my disposable income.

Please, please Sephora, don't come any closer... I can't take it.