Inside my Head

Outside my head, things are very much as normal. The prep work is progressing on the home improvements we've planned. The taxes will be filed in a timely manner. We are eating our way through the ridiculous amount of food we have in the freezer. I am gaining weight, a temporary setback, I think.

Inside my head, things are peculiar. There is something else entirely going on.

Last Friday I attended a funeral for the Cat's grandfather. Her family was basically my surrogate family from the time we met as 8-year-old third graders. My family was pretty much imploding and they gave me a soft place to fall. I spent summers, holidays, weekends and sometimes weekdays under their roof and in the barn, creek, back fields and front 40. I pitched in with chores, got in trouble, got punished and got to be just another one of the kids. Despite the fact that I moved away in 8th grade, the Cat and I stayed tight and from age 16-18 1/2 I also dated the Cat's brother, a.k.a. the First. Since the First and I broke up in 1985 I have been very shy to go back for reasons I don't even think I can even put down "on paper". I've made only a handful of appearances.

But, on Friday, I did. I went back. I saw the Cat, her sister, the First and the parents. Also her cousins, her grandma and a collection of other fringe characters. I was ashamed: I cannot explain why I have been hiding all these years. But I have. I love them just as much now as I did then only with the appreciation of a grown-up who understands what a gift that time was. Yet I cannot tell them.

And so we spent a little time. We watched videos of us kids as preteens/teens (like having sharp nails dragged across my bare skin). We played cards. I took a long look at the First's kids. I felt the camaraderie of the Cat's kids, who were probably as overwhelmed as I but still pretty fun to talk to. I put the Cat in my car --- and at that moment it felt like we were 17 again and not a day, not a year, had gone by. I spent a day being buffeted repeatedly by the waves of memory and emotion. It will take time to sort it out.

Also K & A are in my head and not in a happy way. We can't all go on ignoring one another, although I'll be the first to admit this would be easier than dealing with our problems. I'm at a loss. I'm angry but I miss them.

Inside my head is the burden of mistakes made, of time, memory, sadness, regret, love, hope and hopelessness.

Outside my head it looks like just another spring day.