Messed up kind of love

Last night, T started to watch Oprah as I was heading upstairs for a little on-on-one time with “Empire Falls”. Oprah was featuring a woman named Ayelet Waldeman, of whom I became an instant fan. With one foot on the staircase, I started watching -- and I never got to “Empire Falls”.

This little 5-foot-nothing mom faced off a crowd of angry moms who were offended as hell about what she had written – with only Oprah and another petite mom named Muffy to back her. And what did she write that so enraged the mob? That while she loved her children, she was not in love with them. Her husband is still the center of her universe.

Wowch. (My new word for painful revelation). You should have seen how ticked those moms were. But Ayelet is right. And even though I don’t have biological children, I see how having a kid in the house changes the focus and affects couplehood. If’n y’aint careful, kids can take over every nook and cranny of the house and your heart. Leaving no room for daddy. Or mommy. Making couples forget how those kids got made in the first place. Sadder yet, was the mommy mob’s vociferous insistence that hubby will wait until the kids are grown and she has time to give him a little of herself, oh, 15 or 20 years from now.

Get real. No man wants to have bad sex or none for 15 years. No man wants to be relegated to the way back while wife is doling out the juiceboxes and doing flashcards. Sorry. Even I was shocked (and I think T was too) that 1 in 5 marriage are zero sex marriages (or less than 10 times per year). What happened to balance, for heaven’s sake? What happened to setting aside time to nurture your marriage so your kids can have a stable and loving home?

And what kind of kids are getting raised? Lavished with over-the-top love, parents orbiting their children like moons, the kids are encouraged to be selfish, self-centered and oblivious to anyone else’s needs or feelings. They miss out on the chance to observe and learn from a loving romantic relationship. They never see that sometimes other people’s needs should come first because their needs drive their mother’s every action. I think it’s important to make children a priority – otherwise don’t have them. But they can’t be the only priority. Nor should they believe they are the most important people on the planet.

I’ve added Ayelet’s website to my bookshelf. I’ve never read her stuff – except “Truly, Madly, Guiltily” but after her graceful, classy appearance on Oprah, I plan to.