Poetry in the Everyday

waiting room

2012-01-29T16:04:00.003-06:00

I am an expert at being unemployed. I worked for a year and then...then I was laid off. It was a great job with great people. I was ready to settle in. Settle in to the company, to Wichita, to a new phase of my life. Now I am in suspension again. Waiting to hear about a job up North - Cedar Falls IA or Waukesha, WI. And in the meantime I read, do puzzles, crochet, bake, take lots of naps. It sounds wonderful but these are the kinds of days one should have once a month - not every day.

There is a cherry crisp in the oven. And I am in the waiting room of my life and career - again. Waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen.

update to no one

2010-07-27T00:30:00.002-05:00

I have no followers and I don't give this out to anyone anymore because it doesn't seem all that profound or interesting. No hopes of a book deal here.

It's been nearly a year since I wrote anything and what a year it was. Never did I ever imagine I would be separated from my work family and in such an ugly way. Never did I think I would be out scrambling for a job again, going to interviews and being told "no thanks". It's humiliating as hell. I wish I had the good fortune of marrying someone who just wanted me to stay home and keep house. Have his babies. Work only if it amused me to do so. Alas, I have somehow become the primary breadwinner of the family and so I feel an enormous pressure to find another job as quickly as I can. I feel like I'm bailing out a boat with a sieve.

I think every day about how it all went wrong at PBI. I dream about it a lot. I try to draw strength from my AT experience and remember what I endured as I hiked those 40 miles up and down mountains that seem more than anything to be the literal form of my emotional and work life. I try to tell myself again that I can. I can. Just baby steps. That's all I need to do. One more tiny step: a half-step even. Because moving forward is what I came for.

I'm just ready for the cool breezes and the beautiful vistas, already.

Freshwater Mermaid Dreams

2009-08-05T22:56:00.002-05:00

In dark water, just over my head
Under the cypress
and one breath away.

I see you but you do not see me.
Your image wavers
I float here, waiting.

If I disturbed your current would you feel?
the want and water
the ache and longing?

Fish dream - the river current slips by me
I love you no less
Though you slip by too.

Know what?

2009-02-20T11:02:00.002-06:00

Dear Smurfette, this is for you.

You know whats awesome? It's Friday

You know whats cool? sustainable energy

You know whats annoying? talk radio

You know whats nice? kisses on the back of the neck

You know whats bad? how dusty and dirty my house is

You know whats dumb? waiting in line

You know what makes me angry? being treated like I'm stupid

You know whats awkward? when my mother tells me TMI stories

You know what feels good? clean sheets

You know whats the most Annoying battle ever fought? anything to do with a medical insurance company

You know whats gross? thinking too hard about where my food has been

You know what totally sucks? paying bills

You know what stinks but used to rock? owning my own home

You know what rocks? Amazon

You know whats frustrating? hurting all the time because I'm old and out of shape

You know whats entertaining? Wii Fit

You know whats funny? Tim and I ad-libbing filthy verses to the song "I got a brand new girlfriend"

Yes, Nintendo, may I have another?

2009-02-17T14:58:00.002-06:00

Dear Wii Fit:
you kicked my ass.

Well, not my ass precisely, more my abs.

I did it. I worked through every open game in my Wii fit on the first night. I played for 2 hours and in that time was repeatedly pummeled with hula hoops, shoes and panda heads, became a giant rolling snowball and I told my Wii trainer she was an unholy bitch.

Cyber abuse, the next generation.

Back to the Y so a real breathing human can abuse my body and mock me for only doing three push-ups. Yay!

snow and wind farms and crochet and Minnesota drivers

2009-02-16T14:25:00.003-06:00

So, being a complete needlecraft geek I decided it would be fun to go to Knit Out and Crochet 2009 at the Mall of America this weekend. I made Smurfette go with me, thank God for her. The drive up was grueling 9 1/2 hours (it was supposed to be about 7) because of the snow. I discovered a few very important things on the trip:

When people refer to IOWA as "Idiots Out Walking Around" they are not kidding. 5" of snow on the streets and some guy is walking right down the middle of the road like it's Downtown Disney.
The Chevy Malibu Maxx is superior in really crappy weather.
Minnesotans don't understand about how not to block intersections. Every light takes two cycles to negotiate. Do they think they're in New York? Does half a car length change the rhythm of their entire Saturday?
Subway in Minnesota doesn't have provolone cheese. Smurfette asked for provolone and they said they didn't have it. So when I made a face while asking for cheddar, the Subway guy said "you seem like you don't want cheddar". Duh, I want provolone.
They don't believe in raisin toast either, cretins.
Wind farms look really neat. They look planted.
Little old ladies aren't always nice. Sometimes they are mean, line-cutting bitches.
The Knit Out and Crochet 2009 was dumb but the hot tub at the hotel was not.
Did I mention Minnesota drivers suck?
Lisa Loeb's albums full of camp songs are funny even without alcohol.
Smurfette is one of only a few people in the world that would sing "Fried Ham" underwater style with me and think it's f-ing hilarious.
Mall of America is big but it's still just a mall.

last of the archived posts

2009-02-16T14:24:00.002-06:00

Entry for August 27, 2007: It occurs to me that even though I have a regular blog, we don't have anyplace to document barbecue stuff. So here's a little catch up on BBQ2 and our results so far this year.

Lansing (KS) Brew, Blues & BBQ: 10th place ribs

Tonganoxie (KS) Days BBQ: 4th place ribs, 10th place pork

Peculiar (MO) BBQ Roundup: 5th place ribs

BBQ on the River & Fly-In, Excelsior Springs (MO): 1st in ribs

Paola (KS) Roots Festival - zip. 13th place chicken (above), which was quite an improvement over earlier entries. 8th and 13th place chicken were only separated by a few thousands of 1 point. Those things that look like shrimp is slices of boneless chicken thigh that we added for pretties.

Next competition:

Leavenworth (KS) on 9/7-8

Atchison (KS) on 9/14-15

I hope that it all comes together before the end of the season. But I'm already looking forward to next year!

September 4, 2007

2009-02-16T14:23:00.004-06:00

it was a good weekend: Sometimes you must count yourself lucky to enjoy your family. The pretty girls in the middle are mine. The boys are what is to be expected when you have pretty girls.

We camped, we ate, we napped, we watched the fireworks, we visited the orchards. We ate ripe peaches for breakfast and it was just about perfect.

almost done archiving old posts...

2009-02-16T14:23:00.003-06:00

Entry for August 29, 2007: We get a weekend off. Packing up the camper and the d-o-g-s and heading off to NE for a weekend of camping with Dangelina (that would be Dan & Angie). Then Penny can have more chances to back seat drive, as in the picture above. She always seems very concerned about Dad's driving.

In all honesty I will be surprised if they Dan and Angie still come. She's 7 months pregnant and wasn't all hyped up on the idea anyway. Plus that adds her two dogs to the mix so there's be 4 dogs and 4 adults sleeping in a 25 foot trailer. Yee Haw!

We actually hope to lure her with food. T bought her a bread machine off of Craigslist last night so we know she'll be eating in the future. When all else fails, there is always homemade bread. And maybe a side trip to Nebraska City to the orchards up there.

I still can't believe our little birdie is going to be a mama.

September 7, 2007

2009-02-16T14:22:00.001-06:00

Yeah, but do they eat at Taco Bell?: My neighbor "Mel" once told T and I that he and his wife were selling their house because they "Didn't want to live in little Mexico". Unfortunately, his fat, wheyfaced fishwife, the REALTOR, couldn't sell the place and took it off the market.

Last night "Mel" commented that the family that lives between us was "getting worse all the time". "There's more than one family living there" (it's parents and adult children, maybe an occassional brother stops in). "They're working on cars for money". (GASP!) "We're going to need a giant privacy fence". "They're not going to paint their house". (For the record, we attempted once to paint our peely metal siding only once in the 13 years we've owned our house and when it didn't work, we gave up. Currently we're allowing it to peel down to bare metal. Their house is freshly painted.)

Mel and his wife plan to "report" them. They "going ot put a stop to it". Well, let's make a list of my neighborly sins: My green pool and half demolished tree house must rank higher than their cars in the driveway. What about our 25' camper in the driveway? The two big piles of broken tree limbs I plan to illegally burn this month? My crabgrass? The 3 bags of soil sitting on the crappy picnic table that have been there ALL SUMMER???

Well, as Ron White says you can't fix stupid. Or racist, apparently. Mel said he'd rather "live next to a house full of drug-dealing blacks" than the nice family I took tomatoes over to a couple of weeks ago. The same people that sent over gorditas, Mexican candy, roasted corn and any number of other things in our ongoing international food exchange. The same family whose little 2-year old girl came running over to me the other day, chubby arms extended, so I could swing her up in my arms and cuddle her for a minute, just when I was grieving super-hard for a baby of my own.

I hope Whitey puts his house back on the market soon. Maybe a nice Hispanic family will buy it. Cause right now the most offensive neighbors in my neighborhood stopped to talk the most vicious trash I've ever heard last night. I comprehend more Spanish at this point than I do the shit he was spewing. At least my Mexican neighbors can speak a language I understand.

September 10, 2007

2009-02-16T14:21:00.002-06:00

Doin' Time at Leavenworth: Well, we headed to Ft. Leavenworth Friday night for the Riverside Resources fundraiser competition. Never in our short cooking career have we had so much go wrong in so little time. So much that I started keeping a list.

We got there at 10 minutes to 7 only to discover the cook's meeting had been moved to 7 instead of 8. It took over 10 minutes just to figure out where to put the Mallard. Then when we tried to level it, we couldn't because of the slope of the hill we were on. But we had electricity! Only, no adaptor for our plug. Then while we're trying to figure that out, the organizer comes over to do our meat inspection. The meat was still in the cooler, next to the front door of our HOUSE. Along with our sauce and chicken marinade. By now, we're starting to attract sympathetic stares and offers of spare meat. Tim's furious and we're both starving. At 7:30 we unhitch the Mallard and I head for home to pick up an adaptor, the meat cooler and chairs.

2 miles east of Leavenworth, on the way back, I attracted the most unwanted attention of a Platte County Sheriff -- 73 in a 55, $125 ticket and a lecture about deer in the dark.

After a fun frisking by the MPs I get back to deliver food, the adaptor, the meat -- but no chairs. My very put out darling had long since lost his sense of humor and we completed our long night by quietly going to work and ignoring each other as much as possible.

Next morning dawns and most everything ended up slightly overdone and falling apart again - great for a backyard but crap for competition. The gloom started settling over both of us at awards. Nothing for chicken, ribs or pork. A pitiful 9th for brisket. But surprise of surprises... with only one sad little call we finished 5th!!!! A 623, our highest cumulative score ever!

Also I saved out 2 pieces of the frozen chocolate pie (above) I turned in for the dessert category. It got high marks but still finished 14/20 -- it's hard to screw up a dessert so everyone's scores are pretty high. We savored our pie and our 5th place and packed it in for another week.

One more competition to go... Atchison is next weekend. We'll judge at Shawnee, but no more cooking. After next week we hang up our aprons until spring so we don't have any competitions overlapping the arrival of the new grandbaby.

September 17, 2007

2009-02-16T14:20:00.001-06:00

Atchison Contest and the sad decline of my cranium: Because T and I are so competitive, it was neccessary for him to enter his own dessert this week -- his favorite cream cheese pie, the one that he used to "woo" me. I like this best with cherries and he prefers blueberries but we decided for competition to try peaches.

We headed to Atchison (with the meat, this time) and as usual, were the last ones in. We made it for the cook's meeting but got in to a land dispute with our neighbor (the organizers assigned us to the same spot) and ended up having to rehitch and move. The rest of the weekend went really well. Our schedule was relaxed, our boxes all looked nice and our neighbors were fun. At awards, Tim won FIRST PLACE in dessert, right off the bat! Then a call for 9th place chicken and I thought "Oh wow, we're on it". But no, the pork and brisket tanked and the ribs only finished 12th.

Now we have a long winter to rethink our strategies for next spring. We judge next Saturday and then go racing at the end of the month. Then a little fall camping and another year gone by.

The BBQ circuit is a killer but by the time we go to awards I get so pumped that I start planning for the next one. It's sick, really.

Sunday we went to Worlds of Fun with Karissa & Alex. No lines, cool weather, a little rain but not too much... should have been perfect. But turns out that in my advancing age, I have become motion sick on not only spinning things but also the rollercoasters. Nevertheless I gutted my way through the Patriot, the Mamba, and the Boomerang before finally resigning myself to bumper cars only. I am old and now, really, really lame to boot. At least there are no rides at the Renaissance Festival. And next weekend I get to judge someone else's BBQ for a change. Ha! Take that!

September 17, 2007

2009-02-16T14:19:00.002-06:00

sexaaaaaay: Why oh why would my husband INSIST that I change clothes on Saturday morning (at contest) when I was so comfortable?

Could it be that I was dressed like a character from a Dr. Suess book?

He doesn't like my pants. I do. They are like t-shirts for your legs.

September 15, 2007

2009-02-16T14:18:00.002-06:00

bitch session: I must be more specific when I go to get my hair cut. Turns out that there was a pretty big difference between "cut" and "trim". I was delighted for the first two hours, now I am just pissed. It will not do anything cute. I look vaguely like an extra fat news anchor.

On that note, am struggling to get back in the good graces of the Weight Watchers gods. 4 days on the road is making it extremely tough...

also, apparently fever blisters only come when I travel. At least this time it's only one. I popped $17 for the Abreva, let's pray I don't look like I have leprosy by tomorrow.

Time to go have mocktails with the customer, with my misspelled name badge.

"Michelle"

READ the NUMBERS!!

2009-02-16T14:16:00.002-06:00

Not 4, not 5, but 16. I'm throwing them all on here, what the hell.

knotty girl (photo removed, sorry): This is the picture I'm sending in for the Nat'l Association of Farm Broadcasters flyer. I'm supposed to take part in a speakers panel at their national convention in November. I feel seriously outclassed. I don't know why, I can bullshit a resume as well as anyone but every time I think about appearing as an authority for anything other than say, bbq or getting oil stains out of a blouse, I panic. My stomach goes all in knots.

Don't get me wrong. It's an honor. But I can't help feeling it should belong to someone else.

By the way, it took 20 attempts to get a picture that minimized my chins.

last of the old posts

2009-02-16T14:15:00.001-06:00

Number 571: http://www.nationalbbqrankings.com/

As of October 9, we were ranked #571 on the national barbecue rankings. It doesn't sound that impressive until you know that there are 1300 teams on the list. If that's what one little 5th place finish can do, imagine next year when we come out swinging and pick up our first Grand Championship!

And for the record, a GC is the ONLY way I'll be competing in the American Royal. Not that it's not kinda fun but I'm not much of a partier and last Friday night was like one giant mosh pit of drunk yuppies in their fake Western finest. AND I saw what may only be described as the grossest thing I'VE ever witnessed (and that includes cancer surgery on a horse's eyeball) -- a woman sitting down in a lawn chair after launching her BBQ tidbits all over herself, her lap, her clothes, her hair, the ground. 4 years at Mizzou and I never saw so much vomit. Ugh.

I just want to cook where the teams are serious, not seriously screwed up.

And what a load of fun I am, huh?

OK, there were actually 5 and this is #4

2009-02-16T14:14:00.002-06:00

Stupidly in Love: Look at her, her little peanutty excellence. She is the most perfect thing I ever saw. I am stupidly in love with this child, with her mom and dad and with my husband for giving me this chance to be a mana and now, a nana.

Under these circumstances no one would need drugs. Just having her tiny hand grab my finger like she's urgently trying to tell me something ("PUT ME BACK IN!" perhaps?) makes me dizzy.

The girl who rocks my world was born Sunday morning weighing in at a whopping 6.3 lbs, 18 1/2" long. Her mom was a soldier throughout a very difficult and drug free labor (she's pretty amazing her own self).

She's a tiny girl in a great big world with a posse of crazy parent and grandparents to love and adore her. Let the adventure begin!

2009-02-16T14:13:00.002-06:00

Entry for January 25, 2008

yep. still alive.

Going to get my baby fix this weekend before a long and busy travel schedule this spring.

Ambivalent about church but still love God and counting on him to lend a Mighty Hand in a few situations:

cousin with CRPS who just underwent amputation to try and get the pain to stop
Certain Smurfette with ongoing health issues who needs your prayers
My uncle, who was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer this week
Our kids, mommy and daddy of my peanut, daddy needs a GREAT JOB!

All prayers welcome. Sorry to be so brief and boring but Mrs. Fix-It has other things on her mind...

old post #2

2009-02-16T14:12:00.001-06:00

All I ever wanted: I grew up thinking i"d be the momma some day. For a while I thought, "It will happen, just .... later." It never did. For reasons much too complicated to explain, there was no child.

I'll never be completely easy with my decision. I tell myself I'm still a mom (a stepmom), a nana (stepgrandmother). Being a stepmother means being reduced by society and your family to something less than, instead of. Your opinions count but they don't. Your family is yours but it's not.

Regardless of the absence of a blood relationship, those moments holding Nessa are the most peace I have ever felt. Holding her while she dozes in my arms, I love the weight of her, the way her hair feels, the smell of her. I never want to put her down. I want to cry with happiness every time I give her a bottle and listen to her grunt her way through it, her little hands clasping the side of her face in complete relief.

I'm tired of people asking about my decision. I'm tired of other mothers judging me by my unused uterus. If you say "you were never a mother, you don't know, " I become a little smaller, a little less relevant. Not just to the person that said it but to the larger world.

Childless women are often viewed as selfish. Yet not having kids was the least selfish thing I ever did.

http://childlessstepmoms.org/content/view/2/1/

copied over from a defunct blog

2009-02-16T14:10:00.002-06:00

Don't know why I thought I would blog on that other site but thought I'd copy these over and blow that old one up. So the next 4 entries are historical but worth keeping.

Platte City BBQ Contest, May 10 (2008): What a misery. We had a tough weekend, tough enough that we don't think we'll be going back to this contest. Finished 34/41, poor Tim had last place dessert (this same dessert with peaches won first place last fall at Atchison, go figure). WHO gives a 3 on dessert? Pathetic.

Also, this contest there was a family fight across the way that got the cops called, the place where the awards were handed out was half the size it needed to be to handle the contestants and the kicker... the judges, despite being informed they are NOT to smoke or drink anything but water while judging were outside smoking and drinking beer between categories. It's so disappointing to work your ass off all night long only to have people disrespecting your effort.

All that aside, we're swamped with leftovers - we're on our second night of ribs and burnt ends and tonight we're having enchiladas with the last of the smoked pork. And the mutts all got a taste as well. Looks like our next stop will be Peculiar on 6/20.

Well, I don't know how it will go, but

2009-02-13T10:30:00.002-06:00

I'm back. No point in trying to catch up on the last year and a half except to say that there's a new person in our family, I have more dogs than the city allows, a tiny lakefront lot in the sticks and all in all, a pretty peaceful life right now.

A friend and I are driving to Minnesota today because I'm a grandmother dork who wants to go to Knit Out and Crochet 2009 at the Mall of America. But really I just want to get the hell out of Dodge.

Happy Friday the 13th. - Rose

last 25 of my hundred things

2007-07-26T15:53:00.000-05:00

deadlines met
surprises
debit cards
picking out baby things
time spent with my sisters-in-law
having a dishwasher
Pure Grace perfume
not having to pick which bill gets paid
Charmed reruns
organization
rechargeable batteries
being asked to be in the birthing room
surprising other people with gifts
being able to say “no problem, I have you covered”
country dances
being useful
Bomb Pops
hearing your name called during the awards ceremony
clever ads
“paid in full”
taking lots of pictures
clean bathrooms and mowed yards
Crème Brulee
remote start (car)
atta girls

Where ya been?

2007-07-26T15:19:00.000-05:00

From February to now is a long time. I’m sorry. It isn’t as though there hasn’t been anything to say, or anything going on. I guess life is just moving at this incredible pace and as usual, I’ve been a poor witness.

March 28 I was walking through the parking lot of a K-Mart in Effingham, IL when I got a call from Tim. He said that A had called with news. And then he said “grandma”. And then he waited. And then I got it. Lovely little birdie was announcing news of a baby… just 2 months from graduation from Wesleyan and with no ring on her finger. You’d have thought he’d just told me I was pregnant, couldn't have been any more shocked. After I got done hyperventilating, I called to reassure her that no, I would not be angry and yes we would do whatever we could do to help. This week she enters her last trimester. I have never been so anxious about anything. I will be on pins and needles until I hold this precious grandgirl in my arms. We are ready and delighted to welcome Dan in to our family, soon, we hope. This weekend I’m giving her a shower (yeah I know but rules are made to be broken). Dan is going off with 2 or 3 generations of McCawley men for a manly man get together which will no doubt include copious amounts of grilled meat, adult beverages and boyish behavior. We hens are going to do hen-ish things like have a girly lunch and shop. A has managed to land herself an office job with benefits (which she desperately needs) and she needs some office casual clothes for work.

The Cat is pregnant too—just a month to go. Let’s say she had a different idea about her 40th birthday than I had for mine. I can’t believe she’d starting all over again but yay for her.

Everyone else is whole, if not wholly well. Medical issues continue to plague the houses of my other two BFFs, so say a prayer there if you have a mo.

Oh, there was a cruise in Alaska in May. First time vacationing with anyone in T’s family and a lot more fun than I’d ever imagined. I’d do that again any time. In fact we might consider Europe or the Mediterranean year after next – and this, despite my dear SIL and BIL BOTH coming down with the Norwalk Virus. Norwalk is a nasty little bugger and we were all very careful about washing and sanitizing to the point where our skin was nearly raw. Unfortunately, it didn’t help. For the record, Norwalk is common in shellfish and downing oyster shooters 2 hours before departure might not be the smartest move ever. Although I attribute her illness to another passenger, not the oysters.

2 days after we got home, T went to the hospital with a kidney stone, a surreal experience, since neither of us have been hospitalized for anything as adults. And the joy continues on, since now I get to argue with the insurance company about all the stuff they refused to pay for. But he turned out to be fine with no lasting effects.

See… what else? For the first time in 13 years, I have a dish washer. LOVE that. I bought a car. My dear friend buried her father. T’s nephew got married. The sun set. The stars rose. We stayed married. And T and I have taken 4 ribbons in 3 barbecue competitions. I broke down and bought a pair of crocs. The minor events mix with the major ones in this wild-ass life soup. Eat up.

Now, let’s see if I can stay up on things a bit better from now on.

75/100

2007-02-05T16:48:00.000-06:00

For a year I've been working on a list of 100 things that make me happy. This marks the 3/4 complete mark.

1. A clean house
2. Shopping for candles at 5Bs
3. When he opens the door for me
4. Real letters
5. Real Simple
6. The way my hair looks after a fresh trim
7. Losing weight
8. People noticing I’ve lost weight
9. Dark Chocolate Raspberry Godiva bars
10. The way my mom loves me
11. Hotel rooms with a view
12. Fancy soaps
13. Time to browse the library or bookstore
14. Fresh pizza
15. Making it a Blockbuster night
16. Bowling
17. Camping
18. Good books
19. Making plans for a vacation
20. When my girls say they love me
21. When somebody gets me
22. Warm feet
23. When my cats snuggle up with me
24. Seeing my parents’ dreams come true
25. Finishing a project
26.sunshine when it rains
27. singing along to the car radio
28. a new cell phone
29. kisses on the back of my neck
30. winning
31. saving money
32. hysterical laughter
33. great service
34. going to the races
35. Sephora
36. Birthdays
37. Marcon pies
38. Holding babies (and then giving them back)
39. puppies
40. Good performance reviews
41. easy hair
42. frozen custard with hot fudge and raspberries
43. fireworks
44. books on tape
45. new lipstick
46. holding hands
47. being included
48. Sleeping in on Saturday morning
49. Nothing to do on Sunday afternoon
50. naps
51. old friendships
52. reliable cars
53. getting down on the floor and playing with the dogs
54. going to the theatre
55. phone calls from out of the blue
56. rearranging the furniture
57. finishing a book
58. new clothes
59. buffet brunches
60. slot machines that hit
61. the beach
62. looking at old pictures
63. home grown tomatoes
64. rollercoasters
65. ski ball
66. scavenger hunts
67. my parents' voices
68. being told I am my niece's favorite aunt
69. high threadcount sheets
70. watching the birds come to the feeders in winter
71. clean rivers with rope swings
72. water skiing7
3. clear skin
74. orange cheese sauce
75. art galleries

The final 25 soon to come...

From 43 Things - meeting the goal of "Have More Fun"

2007-02-05T16:24:00.000-06:00

For the last two years, life’s been anything BUT fun. Finally it got so awful I had to see someone and yes, since my mom will never see this, I can admit… I started on an antidepressant.
Who knew how good I could feel? How my skin wouldn’t feel so thin, the slightest things wouldn’t bring me to tears, I could stop resenting my life and start enjoying it!!! T and I are having the happiest most peaceful stage of our marriage in 12 long years. We laugh, we hold hands, we make plans. We have hobbies and we’re fixing up our house.
So this is my life? Glorious.

Still here

2006-12-21T15:34:00.000-06:00

On Thanksgiving, it turns out Tim had pneumonia. He limped through the holiday but the day after we went to urgent care where he received lots of pills, shots and breathing treatments. On the way home, I wrecked my car.... thank God neither of us got hurt.

I couldn't have really imagined a stupider thing to do. Since then it's been pretty low key around our house, with modified gift giving, modified decorating, muted everything. I've had to drop a lot of bucks lately and I'm tired of writing checks. Even the dog had to have surgery.

I'm just tired of lots of things. I got to feeling like whenever I blogged it was bad stuff because this has been my place to vent. But I realized that it must be depressing for everyone to read so I've stopped for a while. Whether chemicals, circumstance, hormones or what, I just don't feel like me right now. So hopefully I'll be back after Christmas with a cheerier disposition.

Merry Christmas to everyone and a Happy New Year. And 2006, you can go to hell.

have you?

2006-12-21T15:14:00.000-06:00

Mine are in red.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with wild dolphins (who gets to do this? lucky, lucky me).
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said “I love you” and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love (no fun)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (doesn't everyone?)
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke (better with tequila)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites (if a chapel from the 1200's counts)
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight7
2. Gotten married (twice)
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship (twice!)
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
99. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
100. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
101. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking (all the time)
102. Had plastic surgery
103. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
104. Wrote articles for a large publication
105. Lost over 100 pounds
106. Held someone while they were having a flashback
107. Piloted an airplane
108. Touched a stingray
109. Broken someone’s heart (hated that)
110. Helped an animal give birth
111. Won money on a T.V. game show
112. Broken a bone
113. Gone on an African photo safari
114. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
115. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
116. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
117. Ridden a horse
118. Had major surgery
119. Had a snake as a pet
120. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
121. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
122. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
123. Visited all 7 continents
124. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
125. Eaten kangaroo meat
126. Eaten sushi
127. Had your picture in the newspaper
128. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
129. Gone back to school
130. Parasailed
131. Touched a cockroach
132. Eaten fried green tomatoes
133. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
134. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read (Daphne Du Maurier)
135. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (chickens, ugh)
136. Skipped all your school reunions
137. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (Spain)
138. Been elected to public office
139. Written your own computer language
140. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream (Spain)
141. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
142. Built your own PC from parts
143. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
144. Had a booth at a street fair
145. Dyed your hair
146. Been a DJ
147. Shaved your head
148. Caused a car accident (recently, unfortunately)
149. Saved someone’s life (gave almost 2 gallons of blood)

Thanksgiving Interrupted

2006-11-21T12:52:00.000-06:00

I was to have spent tomorrow evening making the 8 hour trek to South Dakota for Thanksgiving with my sister in law. Because it involves food, Thanksgiving is T's favorite holiday. Also there's no gift giving pressure, just the sensual aroma of bread, turkey and pie. There's football and turkey coma. There's pie with whipped cream

But for us, there's no trip to SD... there's 4 days of hoping not to get on each other's last nerve as he recovers from a particularly nasty virus we don't want to share with everyone else in the family.

So now it's my duty to make Thanksgiving as pleasant as possible for His Royal Sickness. Anyone have any ideas for traditional Thankgiving feasts for 2? Diabetic friendly, also.

cousins redux

2006-11-02T15:47:00.000-06:00

So obviously I've been thinking a lot about family lately, certainly over the past few days. The visitation last night was surreal. I mean, it's wierd to walk in to a room full of people you really haven't seen since the last funeral and say "Hi, how are you?" "Oh, great, fine." Hell, if everybody's fine, what are we doing here?

I think the Anglo American mourning tradition could use a good dose of old world reality. What you want is weeping, howling, tearing of clothing, swearing of revenge. What there is is hushed silence, sad standing around and semi-hysterical non-death related conversation over lots and lots of cigarettes out in front of the funeral home. I wanted to grab my glassy-eyed cousins and say "SCREAM, CRY, you'll feel better". She was their sister for heaven's sake and now she's in a box with putty in her head.

There must also be a universal rule about proper casket wear: for women it's always long-sleeved and pink. I don't wear pink in life, please don't make me wear it when I die. I'm much too sallow, I'll just look like a bruised banana lying there. I am never one to buy in to the whole "Wow, she looks so good" rubbish either, when T asked me if it was open casket he said "How'd she look?" Well, she looked dead. Yeah. Dead. Still dead. Personally I want to be cremated immediately upon death and they can do the big glossy photo thing instead of the casket viewing. Or like in "Love Actually," a cool video montage with the Bay City Rollers as a soundtrack.

So another cousin inevitably floats up in conversation, this one is actually my double cousin, meaning we share both sets of grandparents... his dad is my mom's brother, his mother my dad's little sister. See? No inbreeding involved. Get your minds out of the gutter.

He, however, is a family curiosity as he was always very different (meaning kinda smart and artistic and really eccentric) and more so because he has surgically removed himself from our family, both sides, really. Except for his mom and dad. I'm sure it's been more than 20, maybe 25 years since I saw him. Now he's playing in what looks to be an up and coming bluegrass band http://blueharvestband.com/index.html. Interestingly it seems he has claimed his heritage after all, albeit from the comfortable distance between here and NYC. Genetics has obviously programmed even the unwilling to love bluegrass, the folksier the better. It's been my dirty little secret for a few years now and I profess to owning a few bluegrass cds of my own. And I took my mom to see Nickel Creek, which is sorta but almost not really bluegrass. But the mandolin was always my favorite, ever since the 80s when Bruce Hornsby recorded "Mandolin Rain", which isn't even a mandolin song. And yes, I even own a Mike Marshall/Chris Thile cd. And now I'm just babbling. Point is, the band thing is cool, and even though he lies (a lot) about his age on myspace, I hope it becomes fantastically successful. Our kinda smart and artistic and really eccentric grandfather would have been thrilled.

Cousins, cousins, its all I've thought about. Can't we get back to some normal craziness? Well, there was a strange cat stuck 30' up in my maple tree last night -- that was pretty run-of-the-mill crazy. I ran the dogs in to the garage for the night and left the back deck light on so it could work out its issues backwards, down the tree. By morning it was gone.

Goodbye Linda

2006-10-31T11:35:00.000-06:00

A lot has happened in two months. Summer has gone away and fall has come again. I have looked down from half way up a mountain, finding that I was too weak to go all the way to the top. Tim and I celebrated 12 years together. We had a third place brisket. My cousin died.

Right. She was murdered.

Linda was shot to death for no damn good reason except she lived in a bad neighborhood and probably told off the wrong guy.

She was good at that. She and I lived very different lives but I knew that about her.

Where we were concerned, two people could not be more different. Her mother was my father's younger sister. They lived a block over from us when I was little but she and her sister and brothers were all much older than I, so we didn't hang out. My exposure to her was really just at holidays. In her teen years she was a wild child who seemed always to be coming and going, doing drugs, disappearing. She'd drop her kid off with my aunt and be gone. She lived hard. I, on the other hand, lived quietly, conservatively. I got my education and then a master's degree. I did drugs as an experiment at a party once and didn't like them so I never did them again. I married. I went to work. Lived clean. Sooner or later she was just a distant image in an old picture: 14 cousins (missing only the two not yet born) in front of the Christmas tree at our grandmother's house -- she a sort of pretty blonde teen in jeans and a plaid shirt with her arm draped around my brother's shoulders, laughing in to the camera. I am crouched near the bottom of that same photo, hair coiffed, perfect little dress, smiling absently at something off camera, feeling and looking terribly out of place.

I saw her most recently at her mother's funeral although I don't know if I even said anything to her. We hardly knew each other, really.

In life she stayed in her part of town and I stayed in mine. In death we return to the same circle. If not for the accident of parentage, she might have been just another incomplete headline of the news. But she was someone. She was. And I am sad. Because I didn't know her any better than anyone else who saw the story of another shooting on the news. Because I can cry over movies, a good book, a tv show, a sprained wrist -- but I cannot cry for Linda.

And I have 13 more cousins I don't know any better than I knew her.

ology

2006-08-23T14:17:00.000-05:00

Grub-ology:
What is your salad dressing of choice? Blue cheese, full fat
What is your favorite fast food restauraunt? Taco Bell
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? La Bodega
On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? Depends on the service
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? nothing
Name three foods you detest above all others: Liver, lima beans, hominy
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Happy Family
What are your pizza toppings of choice? the works
What do you like to put on your toast? cherry preserves or apple butter
What is our favorite type of gum? Orbit sweet mint

Tech-ology
Number of contacts in your cell phone? maybe 40
Number of contacts in your e-mail address book? same
What is your wallpaper on your computer? beach somewhere tropical
What is your screensaver on your computer? whatever the default is
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? no
How many land line phones do you have in your house? none
How many televisions are in your house? 2
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? coffee maker but DH uses it every day
What is the format of the radio station you listen to the most? country

Bi-ology:
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? eyes
Are you right handed or left handed? Right
Do you like your smile? yes
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Teeth, tonsils
Would you like to? fat, definitely
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? it's very peaceful in there
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? hearing
When was the last time you had a cavity? don't know
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? 40# dog food bag
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No

Misc-ology:
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? no
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? my mom's original pick, Sarah
How do you express your artistic side? writing
What color do you think you look best in? red
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? 5 minutes. I got my ass beat regularly in elementary school -- are you kidding?
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? tiny glass bottle
If we weren't bound by society's conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? No way, absolutely not
How often do you go to church? until a year ago twice a week, now, never
Have you ever saved someone's life? Maybe, I gave over a gallon of blood
Has someone ever saved yours? don't know

Dare-ology:
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? No. A block but not a half mile
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? yes
Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? No
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? no
Would you never blog again for $50,000? absolutely
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? no but if you'd asked me 20 years ago I might have
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? no
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? no
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? $100,000
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? yes

Survivor 13 and the possibility of closing the doors

2006-08-23T13:40:00.000-05:00

The great thing about having a blog is that I can come here and rant about Survivor 13 and how disappointed I am in the whole "dividing by race" concept. (I still like the schoolyard pick method myself. ) Also it gives me a place to gripe about the fact that the large majority of the players are from California, which is in itself a culture as foreign to me as that of Asia or Mexico. But really, so predictable -- I can already hear the posturing. Boring, boring, boring.

The bad thing about a blog is that sometimes you're just not interesting. And at worst, you offend someone. Or you just get too busy and you can't post anymore.

I'm close to closing it down. I'm a little conflicted though. I think I would miss it if it were gone but on the other hand I just don't have that kind of time anymore and frankly, I find myself boring as hell. There are only about 4 of you who read it -- others that I've invited have declined or been hurt by what I've said, including my own spouse. That said, I'll be posting infrequently and possibly, in a month or so, I'm going to blow it up. I'll have to think about it. Maybe it's time to go back to paper, which seems so much more genteel and Emily Dickenson-like.

erosion

2006-08-04T10:27:00.000-05:00

I wonder if growing up and growing older is just this process of erosion and you are either what is eroded away or what is left when everything else has been.

My best friends' marriages are over. The artist formerly known as Frau Lobster and hereafter referred to as Mother Nature is now a single person again -- just this last week. And on the day after, the Cat sent me an e-mail to announce the sudden death of her 12 1/2 year marriage as well.

I look at T and think "how did we survive?" I thought this time last year we were the least likely to be married in August of '06. But here is the secret -- here's what I know. We both wanted it. We loved, we hated, we scratched, fought, cried, screamed, threw things, threatened, cussed and spat but in the end the solidity of our life together was too irresistable.

He is home for me. He has learned after all these years that when I cry all I need is for him to hold me. I don't need my problem solved and I don't need a reproach. I need a pair of arms and a strong chest. He's my best friend, the first person I go to with news or a joke. He is that which I prize above all else -- steady, loyal and faithful.

As for what I am to him, I can't say. But it must be something because when I was ready to let it all go, he held on tight for both of us. I do remember one thing he said -- that I was his rock.

This thing we have is not perfect. And the sandstorms have worn down parts of what we were. But when I look around now I see that we are still standing. And I am amazed.

catch a ride on my train of thought

2006-07-31T16:35:00.000-05:00

Does the last post seem self-serving and pathetic?

Does anyone read this any more?

Does anyone like Donna Karan's "Be Delicious" cologne? I hate it, it smells like this girl upstairs who passed out on her first day at work. I tried to help her until the ambulance came and to this day her perfume reminds me of sickness. That sounds mean, I know. Sorry. No more "Be Delicious" for me.

My mouth has tasted like soap all day. Am I getting a cosmic "washing my mouth out"? My language lately certainly justifies it.

I really want to improve my diet and start eating healthier foods that are ony one or two steps removed from their sources... fresh fruit from an orchard, for example. But I had Wendy's for lunch. Not an auspicious start.

I believe in global warming. This place is like a blast furnace -- windy and 100 degrees. Anyone have a match?

I snuck 2 smokes last week. The first was so bad I couldn't finish. The second went down without a thought. My body has old habits my brain knows nothing about.

I wish I'd paid more attention in Spanish and I really wish I had more confidence when I try to speak. And in a related note, when my Spanish-only neighbor hunted up the word "cookies" and smiled, I wanted to hug her. This second language thing is a bitch.

God, I can't wait to wash this perfume off.

Liking yourself

2006-07-31T14:48:00.000-05:00

Frau-Lobster-until-Friday points out that I have been MIA from this blog for some time. Well, I'm still here.

I had some thoughts last week about food, fat, self-loathing and childhood. Let's see if I can sort them in to something that makes sense.

And by the way, I love our new kitchen. I'm struggling to keep it from being too fussy and old-ladylike but I'm digging it a lot. It just needs some paint and a few finishing touches.

Anyway, back to the other.

On FridayI cried during dinner. I had been ruminating on some things since, oh last Tuesday I guess. The question arose in my mind that perhaps when I was a child I didn't get the help I needed with my parents' divorce and my emotional and behavioral problems because people didn't like me. (See, just saying that makes me sound pathetic. But bear with me).

I have been around ADD kids and they can be sooooooo annoying. I mean, you want to like all kids. They're kids, right? Especially little girls. But haven't you been around kids who were loud, annoying, clingy, hyper and never did anything they were told? Not brats, just kids who really have no "off" switch. I think I was her. I think I bugged my extended family and our friends so badly that no one wanted to be around me. And I think my parents were completely absorbed in their own drama and unable to focus even a little on the 8 year old kid that was getting caught up in all the big waves. So I just had to figure it all out for myself. Although I didn't do a good job, because I'm still at it.

Without any direction on how to be a well-adjusted person when your family disintegrates, I just sort of tripped my way through adolescence and my teen years. I did grow up. And somehow I end up being this person I really don't like. I have no self esteem, I'm self-centered, I still don't have an off-switch. I can't even hear myself. I talk tooooooooo much. I mean Toooo much. I say the wrong things. I make faces I don't mean and can't even feel. I cannot tell you how many times I have been accused of hijacking meetings. Folks, these are not cute little personality quirks, they are

major flaws.

I'm hard to know and hard to like. And inside the shell I'm so nice! That's what I can't figure out!

At almost 40 (ulp) I surprise myself by sometimes being pretty smart about why I am who I am. Sometimes I can fight the tide and just shut up and be there for someone. I can sometimes hold my husband while he sobs his way through a depressive episode without chiding him for feeling bad. I can occassionally shut my mouth while someone else unburdens themselves.

I believe it is still possible to learn to be a good wife, a good friend and a smart manager. I believe the way is painful and I will make many mistakes. I also believe there is still time to rid myself of my lifelong hate/love relationship with food and my body -- the most tangible evidence of my self-loathing.

Hmmmm.

Does knowing all these things change anything? Will I be mature enought to act upon the things I've finally realized? God, I hope so.

BBQ 2 - 3

2006-07-17T13:42:00.000-05:00

Our thrid competition and still no money but this time we managed to turn out a more than edible brisket which is pretty exciting! And we've figured out how to manage the heat on the cookers also which allows for more sleep - 4 hours for me this time but I think T was up more than in the past, too. Our brisket placed 7/17, pretty neat. The other stuff wasn't good - I couldn't do the chicken the way I wanted because they didn't allow any sauce at all and we had to do pork loin instead of Boston butt and we've never smoked pork loin before. The ribs were good but we foiled them and they seemed soggy to me.

Other sleep-losing enterprises includes the long slow path back to having an operational kitchen. The remodel went beautifully and yesterday T's brother helped us install the stove and microwave so now I have functioning appliances again. Everything looks just great although I still have a little work to do. OK, a lot.

Next competition isn't for a month so lots of recovery time and time alos for fixing up the house. Wooo. S'OK. It's too hot to do anything outside right now.

BBQ competition # 2 - from 43 Things

2006-07-11T17:10:00.000-05:00

Don't know why this didn't copy over but here it is...

Did another competition this last weekend and fared a little better than our first attempt in June, top half in ribs and pork but still really struggling with the brisket. The heat this time of year makes things even harder but we are determined to hear our names called!

Overall improvement across the board, our scored were higher on everything and this was a tighter field with lower scores for the winners than the first time we competed. So it didn’t just get easier.

I have discovered I have no grace under pressure, my stomach and my patience both fail me. At one point I totally lost my mind and was in the bathroom sobbing. I am used to getting sleep and 3 hours of cat napping and 90 degree heat just ain’t cutting it. Not to mention that my armpits were sunburned from a float trip 2 days before. From the camping, floating and cooking I am so banged and beat up I look like I crawled out of a car wreck. As a finale, I turned my ankle on the steps leading out of our camper and fell flat on my back, all while talking on a cell phone. Life is good.

The good news: We met another team who offered to help us out and suggested we make a run at a competition this weekend out on the end of town. It’s non-sanctioned and subs pork tenderloin for pork butt but it was inexpensive (relatively) and we need the practice. And there’s $4,000 in prize money available.

Attempt # 2
Out of 30 teams, we scored:
chicken: 19
ribs: 15
pork: 13
brisket: 28

no two ways about it, our brisket sucks. But the sad part is that it didn't suck the worst. There were actually 2 briskets out there that were worse. Now that's tragic.

Don't look now...

2006-07-11T14:20:00.000-05:00

But "No Reservations" has come back to life. It was a great idea for a blog, I don't know why I didn't keep it up better.

Well, yeah, I do, but we don't need to go there today.

Vacation was so nice, I wish I were still there. I posted to 43 things about our second BBQ competition, intending to copy it over here, but something's not working right, so I think I'll see if it shows up and if not, I'll copy it over.

In other news, they are tearing the crap out of my kitchen, even as we speak. I hope my car doesn't die soon because this kitchen renovation is taking the place in my budget a car payment might occupy. The Malibu is gong to have to last a little longer since the stove died first.

lifted from wdysgrl

2006-06-30T14:22:00.000-05:00

1) How old do you wish you were? 19, good year
2) Where were you when 9/11 happened? Getting ready for work and I heard the WTC was on fire so I clicked on the TV right before the second plane hit -- yes, Oklahoma, me too. Wierd, eh?
3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? go hunt someone down and try to get it back
4) Do you consider yourself kind? mostly
5) If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be? I don't know what it would be or where, which is why I don't have one, I guess.
6) If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be? Spanish
7) Do you know your neighbors? I just met the new ones, she doesn't speak English very well. Her father-in-law can a little and he brought out postcards of their home town in Mexico to show. Between my crappy Spanish and their broken English we got on fine.
8)What do you consider a vacation? anything where I don't have to work. Usually camping but the perfect vacation involves the ocean.
9)Do you follow your horoscope? No
10) Would you move for the person you loved? yeah, but I'd bitch about it probably
11) Are you touchy feely? can be
12) Do you believe that opposites attract? I believe like attracts like and they generally get along a lot better in the long run.
13) Dream job? actress
14) Favorite channel(s)? Food, Speed, HBO when I'm not paying for it
15) Favorite place to go on a weekend? camping
16) Showers or Bath? shower
17) Do you paint your nails? Toenails-yes, fingernails-no1
8) Do you trust people easily? not anymore
19) What are your phobias? being made fun of
20) Do you want kids? not anymore
21) Do you keep a handwritten journal? Yes
22) Where would you rather be right now? beach
23) What makes you feel warm and safe? couch, blanket, TV
24) Heavy or light sleep? could hear a pin drop, such a drag
25) Are you paranoid? about some things
26) Are you impatient? Yes
27) Who can you relate to? Stacie, the Cat, my mom (only sometimes)
28 ) How do you feel about interracial couples? OK with me
29) Have you been burned by love? Are you kidding? Am I breathing?
30) Whats your life motto?? keep diggin'
31) What's your main ring tone on your cell? some generic, my phone with Dancing Queen got stolen.
32) What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping
33) Who was your last text message from? Stacie
34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine
35) What color shirt are you wearing? red tank, white open weave summer sweater
36) Most recent movie you watched? at the movies it was United 93
37) Name five things you have on you at all times? glasses, wedding rings, at least one pair of earrings, usually my purse and in my purse, usually a book
38.) What color are your bed sheets? cream with bue flowers
9) How much cash do you have on you right now? none, sad
40) What is your favorite part of chicken? leg
41) What's your favorite town/city? Honolulu
42) I can't wait till...the next time I go to Vegas
43) Who got you to join myspace? I delisted. It's creepy.
44) What did you have for dinner last night? Arandas Mexicanas
45) How tall are you barefoot? 5' 3 and 3/4"
46) Have you ever smoked crack? no, no, no
47) Do you own a gun? T has a shotgun
48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning? diet coke
49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? my boobs have already done a great job
50) Do you have A.D.D.? yep, what did you say?
51) What time did you wake up today?5:00 a.m.
52) Current worry? that the kids hate me
53) Current hate? uncut lawns and getting up early
54) Favorite place to be? beach
55) Where would you like to travel? the UK
56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? I have no idea and I don't really like to think about it. I'll just take it as it comes.
57) last thing you ate? bagel
58) What songs do you sing in the shower? I sing in the car
59) Last person that made you laugh? A couple of the guys here at work
60) Worst injury you've ever had? stitches
61) Does someone have a crush on you? no
62) What is your favorite candy? Cadbury Fruit and Nut, sour patch kids, jelly bellies

in and out

2006-06-30T14:08:00.000-05:00

I was gonna blog, I swear it. I was gonna blog on the day I had to chase the woodchuck out from under my car. That was the day after I removed a toad from my laundry room and 2 days after I had to punch a mouse.

Now you're wondering, aren't you?

The dog caught the mouse but didn't kill it, only mortally wounded it. I was in the way back yard with flipflops and no tools, just some heavy duty work gloves. For some reason I decided to punch it real hard in the head in the hopes that it would be stunned enough that it wouldn't run off or try to bite my foot. I killed it instead. So there you go.

As for the toad, I think it snuck in the house in the dark, when I was emptying the dehumidifier in to the flower bed. And I can't explain the wood chuck. It was just there.

So I didn't blog and I haven't blogged and now I'm leaving to go camping for a week. Guess you'll have to excuse me while I take a summer break.

Until the 10th, take care.

Where you been?

2006-06-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

Ooooh, I hate it when my blogging friends take extensive leaves of absence. And there, I just did the same.

I haven't been anywhere special, just, you know, living and working and doing what we do. Getting aligned for the next competition, puzzling over what to get for T for Father's Day and feeling generally like i want to get out and experience summer.

T doesn't know it but I signed us up for a BBQ judging class today with "Dr. Death" master judger, Ed Roith. That's what I finally settled on.

Also, he doesn't know that I'm dragging him to Theater in the Park for "Cats" which I've never seen. I think a picnic and an evening under the stars -- just getting out on a Friday night -- will be fun. And my macho husband actually likes musicals, especially if I feed him.

After 3 weekends on the road (including 2 family reunions) it will be nice to stay home, get my house clean, open up the pool, fall asleep to the drone of the race on TV on Sunday. Run around in shorts with no makeup and bare feet. Not hurry, not worry, just be.

Hope you all have a good, peaceful weekend.

from 43 Things

2006-06-05T11:48:00.000-05:00

The Saga of BBQ2

We are no longer competition virgins.
We arrived on Friday and began prepping all our meats – 4 categories (chicken, brisket, ribs and pork butt). 2-3 hours later we finally munched down some leftover sandwiches from Mr. Goodcents and then started the charcoal chimney for the first smoker (pork butt takes the longest to cook: at an hour & half per pound this one needed over 10 hours).
Brisket went on second and by midnight we were well underway and the neighbors were well oiled. I took the first shift on smoker watch. I read through a stack of newspapers and munched on grapes and chips and tried like hell to stay awake. The second smoker was running very hot so there was some switching around at 1 a.m. —our internal temp on the brisket was already 141 degrees, not good. I almost dropped the pork butt trying to switch things around and I burned my hand on the Coleman lantern.
At 3:30 I finally collapsed exhausted: I slept for an hour and a half. At 5 a.m. Tim got up and refilled the water pans and started the ribs. I was up and down several times and got up for good at 8 for biscuits and gravy. After a long night of fighting the cookers and fending off drunks, I actually surprised myself by being in fairly good spirits. We pulled the pork, brisket, started the chicken last… in between I filled boxes with leaf lettuce for presentation.
At 11:30 we started arranging the chicken, giving everything a swipe with bbq sauce. Our first turn in was at 12, followed by ribs, pork butt and finally brisket.
After the turn-ins we spent some time cleaning up the considerable mess and at 3 we went up for the awards. Unfortunately we didn’t hear our name—at all. After taking a look at the scoring sheets, we discovered that we still have some work to do. We had problems with all our turn ins—presentation on chicken and brisket were not great. Our presentation on ribs and pork were much better. We got scores everywhere from 9s (perfect) to 3 (not very damn good). Overall we finished 37 of 43, much worse than we’d hoped. Afterwords, we took copious notes and decided to work on our recipes some more.We also went to Dairy Queen for ice cream and made a beer run, which we ended up being too tired to drink in the end. We went to bed and slept for about 9 hours. On Sunday we woke up to rain, so we packed up the camper and headed home, stoping off at Waffle House for breakfast. Sunday was our day to regroup—then back to the real world on Monday.

Next competition: Johnson County Fair, on my old home turf, Warrensburg, MO.

We DID IT! and we didn’t suck the most!

Windfall and BBQ

2006-06-01T13:55:00.000-05:00

Do not use this logo without permission!

I've obviously waned a little on my blog .... which is sad considering it's about to celebrate it's second anniversary. Happy Birthday Yorkist Rose!

Two quick things: T and I are entered in a barbecue contest this weeknd: it will be our first. Planning for this thing has taken more strategy that the invasion of Normandy but we're finally getting there. We have taken measures to insure that we can put out a fire, sanitize, maintain appropriate temps and that T doesn't sweat on the brisket.

This is true KC culture, y'all. My friend TKAT designed us an official logo and everything. I'm having t shirts made. Very exciting.

Other thing: I won an essay contest at work. God help me, I wrote an essay called "What ESOP Means to Me." The last time I wrote an essay I was trying to get a scholarship from the DAR. This time I got $75 in Amex gift certificates. Hmmmm, what to do with this unexpected windfall???? It is my birthday in 25 days -- I might have to go to Sephora.

Dilemmas, dilemmas.

Blog entries that were never born

2006-05-25T10:19:00.000-05:00

I've had a hundred wierd or deep thoughts over the last few weeks. That's how many opportunities I think I may have missed to post here. There's a lot going on these days but none of it seems to get blogged. So here's the reader's digest version:

Travel - there was lots. Four trips in five weeks. Stopped now.
Oil of Olay energy glow lotion - cool stuff. I'm not orange and I'm not white. Excellent news.
Camping this weekend - his family reunion.
Our first BBQ contest is next weekend - I make the chicken and T manages the rest. Hope we don't embarrass ourselves. Hope he has fun.
LOST - wow. Did you watch that? What did you think?
Weekend after next - 'nother family reunion, still his. Waaaay up in Nebraska, almost to SD. Anyone want to babysit my dogs?
hot here. Hot there? Ugh. What happened to spring?
I've got my hair somewhat under control now but I'm not going to get in to it. Let's just say I rethought the problem and came up with a solution I'm happy with.
I'm still not smoking. Sometimes I miss it but mostly I'm ok.
I want to see "Over the Hedge" and the "X-Men" -- no time, no time.
Where did May go?
I need to get back on my diet. I feel like an overfilled balloon. I've had Mexican twice this week. And I could have it again and be happy.

See? Nothing really very profound.

I had some profound thoughts but did not write them down. I need to get better about that.

Here's a fresh one from this morning:
Several times in the past few days and weeks I have made a mental note to myself, mostly regarding the passage of time. Actually, it's more like the lightbulb coming on. For instance, this morning as I was making our bed I thought about the last time the A/C was on. The last time I had the air conditioning on, our marriage was in total system failure and I was sleeping alone on a blow up mattress on the floor of a bare apartment across town. I was worrying every minute about money and the kids and my marriage and him and also myself. I was wishing I could fast forward myself 6 months and see how it ended. Well, it's been nine months now. This is my resolution and it's better than I ever could have hoped. It made T turning on the air last night seem monumental in some way, although only to me, I'm sure. Each little moment is another mile gone from where we were -- and a little closer to the new life we're making.

Well, that's probably all you'll hear from me until after the holiday. I wish everyone a great weekend!

I quit

2006-05-19T10:06:00.000-05:00

It's been a week since I quit smoking.

I don't remember the last one I had, I know it was in Vegas. I have known for a long time that I should give them up but you know, I like smoking. Simple. I just do. But I told T and more than that, I promised myself that I would quit by my birthday and even though it's still 5 weeks away, I had one left and I got rid of it before we got on the plane. And then I decided not to buy any more.

I miss it. I didn't even smoke that much. But I know that it's the right thing to do... maybe my blood pressure will go down a little and get me out of the "pre-hypertension" category. I always thought 120/80 was good... now I guess it's not so much.

Even Mother Nature (I revert back to an old nickname for the former Frau Lobster) who has been laid up in the hospital all week has been trying to keep me on the straight and narrow. A coworker took the rental car keys when we were out of town earlier in the week, stating that "If you are going to smoke, you're going to have to walk to get them." It's been a long time since I sat in a Hampton Inn room all evening with crap on TV and no cigarettes.

Someone tell me I'll be better off. But I don't want to be one of those smug bastards who wrinkles their nose every time someone walks by with a cigarette... nor do I want to be huffing the second hand smoke.

Just another sign that I am grown up after all.

Back again ... and gone

2006-05-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

I have a day between trips, just to clear off my desk and then go again... Vegas was fun but kind of long. I did develop a disturbing new taste for sour apple martinis though, just what I needed.

I would upload some pictures but the trusty little Canon has disappeared ... a victim of my carelessness or someone's pilfering while we were at the trade show. I'm devastated. I cried over that camera... I really want it back. Maybe, just maybe it will turn up??? No, I guess not.

I tried not to think about mother's day ... it's always tough to grapple with that same old demon -- I didn't have children of my own. Still for the last 12 years I never felt as though I'd missed out because I had the girls. And now that the relationship has changed, I miss them desperately and all my insecurities come swooping in... I'm just glad it's over for another year.

On the other hand, for Mother's Day T did give me a beautiful card, a little gold ring, a BBQ apron and a bright orange cone (pictured here).

We are amused.

He's such a good man.

There is no stepmother's day

2006-05-15T16:03:00.000-05:00

I am evil.
I am an alien.
I am an archetype.
I am wicked.

I once dried tears.
Took you shopping.
Paid the tuition.
Gave advice.

I cleaned you up.
I held your hand.
I brushed your hair.
I made a vow.

I am no one now.
I am nothing now.

There is no stepmother's day.

Viva

2006-05-05T16:23:00.000-05:00

Las Vegas.

I'm off for a week at a trade show. Hopefully a little fun but also plenty of work. Lots of long days. But I'm not complaining... hope everyone has had a lovely May so far and doesn't get too far in to the tequila while celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

It's kind of neat how we manage to work holidays and celebrations of our own cultures in to the American experience. St. Pat's, Oktoberfest, what else? Shall we start celebrating Boxing Day? I'm in favor. How about Victoria Day? Please feel free to add your proposed holidays below.

Until we meet again, hit me. Uh, make that $50 on red. Oh, maybe not.

Happy May Day

2006-05-01T13:57:00.000-05:00

Odds n ends:
3 trips in 4 weeks has morphed in to 4 trips in 5 weeks. I've got the whole slip-on shoe, computer out of the case, driver's license and boarding pass in the left and a diet coke in the right hand thing down to a science.

It finally rained. We're still down for precip but at least the next time T mows, 1/2 the topsoil from my yard won't blow in to the living room. It's been like the freakin' Oklahoma dustbowl.

Wildlife spotted on recent trips: swans in Michigan and prairie dogs on the OK/TX border. V cool.

I have forgotten how good it feels to eat healthy food. My eating habits have been appalling lately. It has run the gamut from German chocolate milkshakes from Braum's to cherry sours and pizza and Zapp's potato chips. However, here's one arguement for eating the bad stuff -- just as I was fixing my salad last night, 60 Minutes featured a story about people contracting e. coli from bagged salad. Which, was, of course, what I was using. Lovely. I want to have my innards rearranged by lettuce.

People Magazine's Most Beautiful 100 needs to be renamed People's Most Beautiful Celebrities. But thanks, People, for not including Paris Hilton. I always think it's interesting that people "fall off" the list. Did they get less beautiful? I mean, how can a guy be the Sexiest Man Alive and then just fishbait? The issue is shallow and stupid, but dangit, I still bought it.

Tired, so tired. I get all rested on Saturday morning, only to ruin the feeling by staying up too late on Sunday night. I never learn.

United 93

2006-05-01T12:21:00.000-05:00

I don't usually go to movies, since T's not a big fan. But this was one he actually wanted to see, so on Saturday we had a rare afternoon at the show. This was the first time I dipped in to my gift certificates from Christmas and I couldn't think of a worthier movie to spend them on.

A lot of people say it's "this year's Passion of the Christ". Well, to me there are no similarities -- except one. That feeling of wanting to crawl under the seat so you don't have to watch what's going to happen. My brain was literally racing and I know I missed details and dialogue. I will have to watch again when the dvd comes out. And this time I'll have a drink, because God, this is a hard movie to watch.

Saturday night after we got back from the movies I saw that A&E was showing their earlier version, "Flight 93". There was simply no comparison. "United 93" is harrowing, white knuckle, intense, indescribable. It's like being there. It's hard not to yell at the screen. The TV version is like one of those disease movies of the week. People should be sweating. People should be crying. Noses should be running. People should not be sitting there being all stoic and beautiful. Of course, credit to A&E because their version came out much earlier and had a harder row to hoe. But if you think you've seen "United 93" because you saw "Flight 93", you ain't seen nothin'.

A few observations from the peanut gallery:

This is a powerful teaching tool, both for the attacked and the attackers. Should this happen in the future, most assuredly it will not happen the same way again.
If I have the bad luck to get hijacked, I will never believe that they will let us live. Therefore I feel it's my obligation to tell my family that I WILL fight. I will fight. I will cry and I will probably pee my pants. But I will kick, pull hair, gouge with fingernails and do everything I can do to inflict some harm on the hijackers.
I shook through the entire movie.
I think a lot about the difference between here and not here. You are on the phone with someone you love, wanting to hold on to them wanting them to hold on to your voice. They are there. Then they are not. The ability for thousands of victims to grab a cell and say goodbye gave 9-11 a very different texture.
At the end of the movie, there was no noise in the theater. At all.
The choice to use "non-celebrities" was perfect. Known names would have been a distraction. I recognized a few of the actors, but I'm not sure from where.
This movie made me think more of Schindler's List than Passion of the Christ. If you've forgotten the shock and the horror and the confusion of that day, this will put you back there.
Absolutely wonderful acting from many non-actors. I am curious about their choice to relive that day. It must have been incredibly hard.

If you wonder whether or not you should see it, go. Take kleenex. Those tears at the end aren't the manipulated Hollywood variety tears, they're real.

Bravo.

Dear Blackberry Guy...

2006-04-25T21:41:00.000-05:00

I'm so glad that you were able to pull that little sleight of hand on the plane today. When the flight attendant told you to turn your Blackberry off so we could land you palmed it like a cheap magician and as soon as the wheels touched down you pulled it out from your armpit and resumed typing.

I'm so glad your life, my life and our fellow passenger's lives were less important than the message you were typing.

Loser.

End note: I'm traveling today... again. Trip number 2 of 3 in four weeks. The best part is I get HBO in the hotel so I can watch Elizabeth I. Helen Mirren rocks.

The perfect job

2006-04-24T14:03:00.000-05:00

So in the enthusiasm of my youth I thought there would be such a thing as the perfect job. I wasn't going to fall in to some career like my father did, uh-huh. I was gonna plan for it and make it happen and spend the rest of my life making amazing money and loving every minute of my 8- to 5.

I think perfect jobs are a myth. Granted, there are some very cool jobs out there: greeting card writer, book editor, park naturalist, travel writer or a movie reviewer. There are people making a living as ice cream tasters, for pity's sake! But even those jobs probably have their drawbacks: writer's block, lost luggage, brain freeze.

Just for the record, while I never found the "perfect job", I did find one I liked. I feel incredibly fortunate when I have a day that feels more like play than labor. I do feel a little green now and then when I see people making a living as stage actors, Food Network execs, talent scouts and merchandise buyers. But all in all I feel pretty grateful that I didn't make a mistake when I signed up for all those writing classes and schlepped my way through my MBA. Granted, my career's taken some pretty wierd twists but all in all I think I'm one of the fortunate ones.

Not that I wouldn't still love to be the Wildlife Manager at the Hilton Hawaiian Village. But I'm pretty happy being a marketing geek at a Small-to-Midsize Manufacturer in the Midwest. If this is where I retire, so be it. But please God don't let it be with the same title, pay and position.

Feel Inspired: Love My Job

Friday afternoon again

2006-04-21T15:31:00.000-05:00

I'd like to be anywhere but at work. Oh, OK. Maybe not getting day surgery or buying a car, but still.

I keep mentioning the four-legged senior center I'm running but it's becoming more and more apparent that some of my furkids are feeling a bit south of good these days. Dusty, my long-haired Maine Coon cat (that's him expressing his opinion of my blog lately) spends the better part of every day sleeping on the bed now. This does not make him unique among cats, I know. But lately it seems that he's hardly ever up. He doesn't stay by my side like he used to and when you walk in a room he gives you this groggy, disoriented look like he just not feeling well. Even T has noticed.

I know I will cry buckets when I lose him. I know I will be ridiculous. People will think I've gone fruitloops. But I'm crazy about him, he's hands down the favorite pet of my adult life. No critter on earth has made me feel better when I have been sad than this guy has.

By the way, pets are great therapy. Especially when you're lonely.

As for Friday afternoon: it's sunny. I'm inside. We need rain. Gas is expensive. That's what I'm worried about -- drought and fuel costs.

Oh, is it time to go home yet???

The end of the week

2006-04-14T16:49:00.000-05:00

I am the only one here. At 10 minutes to 5 p.m. on Good Friday afternoon, I am completely alone in my department. 7 people are on vacation or otherwise absent. Not me. I'm like freakin' Lassie. Sit. Stay. Golly, I must seem stupid. It's 88 degrees! And sunny!

On the bright side, I've gotten a lot done this afternoon. My last post was about the inevitability of work-related fires. I didn't know it was a full moon this week or I'd have known, maybe, how bad it would actually get. It was much worse than I expected. It took me the rest of the week to get 3 things done on my list. One per day. And I added that many more just a few minutes ago. "Go to Jail. GO Directly to Jail. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200."

A belated happy birthday to the love of my life, who celebrated his 42nd birthday with lots of Italian food and an early turn-in from food coma. Last night we extended the celebration a bit by going to see "Married Alive" at the American Heartland Theatre. It was a great date night. He never reads this blog any more because, well, he just doesn't want to know. But Happy Birthday anyway, honey.

So I'm hoping to take my blogging in a more professional direction (in addition to this highly unprofessional personal blog). My boss is really high on the idea of a blog for our retail animal health business. I'm excited about doing it -- or I was three weeks ago. I'm still waiting for the webmaster to set up a spot for me on the website and it's not his priority right now. Don't think it's even in the top 20, actually. So the shine is sort of off the penny but once we get it going it should be great. Very radical idea for a little company like mine. So very 21st Century.

Side note: if womens' clothing manufacturers want to put back pockets on pants to break up the wide expanse of my ass, that's fine. It makes total sense. But I will never actually use the pocket and in the meantime it's just creating a bunchy, lumpy, flashing neon sign that says, "look at my butt. And while your eyes are down there, check out my panty lines too." Ugh. I need to take In Style's advice and cut the pockets off and sew them up.

Sigh. TMI, sorry. As I said, I'm all alone. I've gone a little buggy. And now I'm going home.

Happy Easter. Happy Resurrection Day. And in all sincerity, thanks to God for Your gift. Only You knew how much we would need a Messiah.

The end of the day

2006-04-11T17:22:00.000-05:00

Why does it always seem that I don't get really productive until everyone else's day is over?

I love, love, love the silence of an empty office. I love the act of getting organized for the next day. What I do not love is knowing that no matter how carefully I plan, tomorrow will come and bring with it another fire. And all my organization will go to blazes. Big bright orange flames.

I am this way at home, too. I do my best work at 9p.m. when T has tucked in for the night. I guess I am and may always be a bit of a hoot-owl.

On another subject, camping was the best... although too early for mushrooms. But we took the dogs and they did great. So funny, they were absolutely confused and delighted. Makes me wish that we'd made them inside dogs from the very beginning. Next time, we will have an inside dog -- but after the aging zoo I'm keeping dies off I'm limiting myself to one cat and one dog and no long haired cats or super-shedding mutts. Which means probably not the Sheltie I've always wanted. But that's ok. And hopefully, way down the road

Spring comes

2006-04-06T15:39:00.000-05:00

...blogs go to hell.

Looking forward to the weekend... we are going camping for the first time since Labor Day. Seems a long long time and so much has happened since our last trip, but what a relief to get back to a routine that gives us both so much joy. I can't even tell you how happy it makes me to do this simple, normal thing.

Got a lot to get done between now and then... this will be the first time we've ever taken the dogs, too. Abby the famous D-O-G can't be left alone any more... afraid she'll get down and not be able to get up. Besides she needs her arthritis pills. Drugs for everyone these days. She and T are sharing a bottle of glucosamine, the good news is I don't have to coat T's pill with peanut butter for him to take it.

I hope there will be mushrooms but even if there aren't any at all I know we'll still have fun.

Inside my Head

2006-04-03T12:35:00.000-05:00

Outside my head, things are very much as normal. The prep work is progressing on the home improvements we've planned. The taxes will be filed in a timely manner. We are eating our way through the ridiculous amount of food we have in the freezer. I am gaining weight, a temporary setback, I think.

Inside my head, things are peculiar. There is something else entirely going on.

Last Friday I attended a funeral for the Cat's grandfather. Her family was basically my surrogate family from the time we met as 8-year-old third graders. My family was pretty much imploding and they gave me a soft place to fall. I spent summers, holidays, weekends and sometimes weekdays under their roof and in the barn, creek, back fields and front 40. I pitched in with chores, got in trouble, got punished and got to be just another one of the kids. Despite the fact that I moved away in 8th grade, the Cat and I stayed tight and from age 16-18 1/2 I also dated the Cat's brother, a.k.a. the First. Since the First and I broke up in 1985 I have been very shy to go back for reasons I don't even think I can even put down "on paper". I've made only a handful of appearances.

But, on Friday, I did. I went back. I saw the Cat, her sister, the First and the parents. Also her cousins, her grandma and a collection of other fringe characters. I was ashamed: I cannot explain why I have been hiding all these years. But I have. I love them just as much now as I did then only with the appreciation of a grown-up who understands what a gift that time was. Yet I cannot tell them.

And so we spent a little time. We watched videos of us kids as preteens/teens (like having sharp nails dragged across my bare skin). We played cards. I took a long look at the First's kids. I felt the camaraderie of the Cat's kids, who were probably as overwhelmed as I but still pretty fun to talk to. I put the Cat in my car --- and at that moment it felt like we were 17 again and not a day, not a year, had gone by. I spent a day being buffeted repeatedly by the waves of memory and emotion. It will take time to sort it out.

Also K & A are in my head and not in a happy way. We can't all go on ignoring one another, although I'll be the first to admit this would be easier than dealing with our problems. I'm at a loss. I'm angry but I miss them.

Inside my head is the burden of mistakes made, of time, memory, sadness, regret, love, hope and hopelessness.

Outside my head it looks like just another spring day.

it's a new week

2006-03-29T09:05:00.000-06:00

My WW week starts on Wednesday, so it's a new week for me. Thank heaven. Last week was San Diego. I did not journal. I did walk, a lot. I also ate gnocchi, creme brulee, a German chocolate cupcake (for breakfast, no less), fried fish, Ghirardelli chocolate and some other things that people on WW don't usually eat. It was fun. The gnocchi was from de' Medici and was good enough to make me want to cry for joy. The weather was nice for walking and the scenery was great. When I got home I did not stop eating but rather had T's smoked chops, subs, lemon cake, ice cream (in the 1/2 cup measuring cup, though) and more chocolate.

I walked an average of probably 4 miles a day while on the road. That's not treadmill walking but real walking with a heavy briefcase and sweat and everything. And God smiled. All my food sins and I still lost 2/10 of a pound. Enough to let me see the 158 on the digital scale. I didn't do much to deserve it but I'll take it anyway.

So then the question is, can I get serious and drop another 10 pounds before the next show on May 7? 10 pounds, 5 weeks? Possible -- but highly unlikely. I know of what my body and mind are capable.We shall see.

I just need to stay out of the River Market and away from this place: Frou Frou Sweets. Cupcakes to me are really perfection: not having ever been a big cake eater, I want tons of flavor and sweetness in a small package. I don't need a big hunk o' cake. Cupcakes fit the bill. I'm sure cupcakes are so 5 minutes ago in New York but here we like to take things a little slower.

don't feel like it

2006-03-28T17:09:00.000-06:00

I don't feel like blogging.

I don't feel like dieting.

I don't feel like figuring out any more stuff that has to do with kitchens, windows, missing hair or venous lakes.
___________

The laser lady shot me up again yesterday and this time my lip swelled and got a very angry purple. I keep feeling like people can see it, though, like my hair, I'm sure it's my imagination. The laser lady says I should not have to come back, this time she thinks she got it. Yay.

I did have a nice lunch. I had the quiche and split the lemon cake. It's a very "ladies who lunch" kind of place. And I am so not. So I felt funny. Not funny wierd, but funny ironic.

My biggest regret of the day is that I didn't go down to the candy shop for jelly bellies before coming back to work. And that I didn't do something better with my hair, it looks stringy.

Ah, maybe it wasn't such a bad day after all. Those are pretty small regrets.

The Big Show

2006-03-23T22:48:00.000-06:00

The show we're working is all about pets. I am amazed by the breadth and variety of products people will buy to pamper their furry friends. And I have to admit, it's fun to be in the company of so many pet people like myself, inventors and business people who have made their passion a vocation.

I've even found something I want to buy: Quick Finder. It's not out yet but when it is, I want one. It's like a stud finder but it tells you where the quick is in a pet's claws -- not an easy thing when they're black. This device will help inept people like me from clipping in to that vein that makes my deck look like a crime scene because I've nicked 2 or 3 claws and she's bled all over everything. It's something that Abby the famous dog will defintely benefit from. So PetSmart, please buy this device. I'm waiting.

Outside my window

2006-03-22T18:02:00.000-06:00

Thank you hotel, for giving me free high-speed access so I can post more silly, rambling blog posts.

Landed fine in San Diego and hotfooted it to the convention center to set up our booth, which didn't take long. Stopped off in the press room to drop off press kits and decided if we are going to do this (and we should) we are going to have to jazz these things up significantly. But hey, we are a small company and this is better than nothing. Nothing was last year. I met a woman from CBS who needed live critters for one of her segments and had none. I of course thought longingly of my mostly useless and rapidly aging home petting zoo, 1600 miles to the east. It was a great opportunity that slipped helplessly out of my critter-free hands. Oh well.

At 1 p.m. local we finally found some lunch, this to supplement my ever so healthy breakfast of German Chocolate cupcake. Hey, a friend gave me a cupcake yesterday and I never got a chance to eat it. Cupcakes make an excellent breakfast. Flour, milk, eggs, it's all healthy stuff, right? Then we trekked back to the hotel after a quick stop at Hilo Hattie's for a suprise for T. And now I have dutifully checked all my e-mail, responded appropriately and am now killing time here. And outside my window? A Wyland Whale Wall, the San Diego Trolley and The Coaster. Oh yes, and a large Caterpillar jackhammer. It should be a fun, but not quiet, 4 days in California.

Spring and a Plane Ride

2006-03-21T10:12:00.000-06:00

Diet update: despite my better efforts to gain, I have managed to lose what I gained last week and a little bit more. The slider is headed east again, I like that. We even had a traditional "Figgs dinner" on St. Patrick's Day (I learned a new term): corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, onions and carrots. I stayed heavy on the veggies and light on the beef.

Well, off to San Diego tomorrow for a work thing. This will take me through the weekend, which means working two weeks straight, always a bit of a bummer. I'll be back Sunday evening, just in time for work bright & early Monday. As always, I need to pick a new book to take, I'm somewhere between "Don't Know Much About History" and "The Doomsday Book" by Connie Willis. Two completely different reads, might take them both. And I still haven't finished "Time and Chance" or "Tales from the Scale" but I only have a few pages left on "Tales from the Scale" so that one doesn't count. Luckily I haven't got a big backlog of magazines like usual. This, not clothes, is why my suitcases are so damn heavy.

Our first day of spring came with snow. Gotta love this midwestern weather. It is some freaky stuff. On Sunday I ran around the yard picking up broken branches and cutting a vase full of the most beautiful daffodils: I figured the cold weather would ruin them and I may as well enjoy some inside. I am glad I did it, though I usually refrain from cutting flowers. I think I'm going to do it more often. They just look like springtime.

Thoughts pinballing around in my head:

We've now expanded the kitchen renovation to include windows, 4 to start. We did locate a great deal on some appliances and a gorgeous slate tile. Just a few more steps to start in earnest.
feline arthritis: my aging menagerie continues to pose new challenges. Dusty now has to be brushed daily and bathed with dry shampoo because he can't clean himself. He's like a former male model, fat and totally gone to seed. On Sunday, KC (my other cat) apparently found him so offensive that SHE gave him a bath. And his gimp is terrible to watch but I haven't figured out what to do for him yet.
canine arthritis. 50 mg Rimadyl won't do it for Abby. We cut the meds and she's back to hobbling. So, though we know it will shorten her life, we have to choose between quality and quantity. She's already 11, I choose quality.
The never ending cold. Is never ending. But the coughing is sooo much better than it was. I loosened a few ribs on Sunday but for the most part only sound like a multi-pack smoker when I laugh. AFV is just about killing me, although I watch it anyway. As I told T last night, people falling down is always funny.

What a shockingly dull post. Maybe something better later. Or maybe not. It's just me, after all, not Hemingway. ;-)

Oooh Sephora, what are you doing to me?

2006-03-16T17:08:00.000-06:00

Is it SEPH-or-a or Se-PHOR-a?

All I know is that you used to only be in the rarest places -- the once-a-year I-can-handle-you places. You are in Las Vegas. Chicago. You showed up in Murcia, but you were small there, just a dainty cousin to your overblown Sin City counterpart.

Now, NOW you are coming to my neighborhood. I don't need this Sephora. You are stalking me. You are plotting, with your sexy French accent, to take all my disposable income.

Please, please Sephora, don't come any closer... I can't take it.

oooof

2006-03-16T08:58:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I fall off the wagon. I've done that a lot this last week or two. Don't get me wrong, I like being down on the ground among all the naughty food. Last Friday, T and I wandered over to Granite City to have dinner and I had the most heavenly garlic mashed potatoes and a chicken sandwich with artichoke dip and cheese that must have been the size of my head. In the last few weeks we've also had Spanish food, Cheeseburger in Paradise and several other things I've probably blanked out.

I dropped to 159 and change for a minute or two and then have bounced back to 160.5, a small slip in the overall scheme of things and my first gain in 8 weeks. A day of laying all over the couch yesterday didn't help: I don't know how stay at home moms can resist the call of the fridge all day. All I wanted to do was eat, eat, eat. In volume. But overall I wasn't terrible. Oh, yeah, I was. Tha thump. Off the wagon. Tha thump. Ran over me, clipped me in the back of the head. Knocked the memory of the popcorn, cake and ice cream right out of me.

Ah, well. Back at it. Back at the diet, back at work, back at everything I guess. I had one day off from everything to just lay up and feel sorry for me. My only regret is that I didn't see that I could have gotten "In Her Shoes" on pay-per-view until it was too late. But I did get to watch "The Village" on regular cable.

coffcoffcoff

2006-03-14T11:39:00.000-06:00

I shouldn't be so smug and superior to friends who fall prey to every virus out there. It's like I threw down the gauntlet to the entire viral community -- "Bring it on, bad viruses. I can handle anything you dish out!" It's true that I don't get sick a lot... I've had the unusual gift of resistence to every creeping crud T has had over the years, even strep. I also worked through mono and was bascially asymptomatic after 2 weeks -- a small miracle I hear.

But superhuman? Naw, not so much. What I thought was allergies turned out to be some kind of frickin' plague and I've had the special privilege of waking myself up coughing, on the hour, all night long.

So I'm super excited to be hear at work, leaving little virally fingerprints all over my office. I say my office-- because I've been quarantined-- to my office. Sorry everyone, I guess I am that annoying person who shows up sick and tries to spread my disease. Whoops.

do you know me? a love letter to my true friends

2006-03-14T11:29:00.000-06:00

I want to believe that if you don't like me it's because you don't know me. Recently I was told that "there were a lot of people who didn't like me". I was also told that "a lot of people had changed their minds about me over time" and like me better now than they did. In the beginning, they thought I was snotty and stuck up.

Well, guys, I'm almost 39 years old and this isn't high school. I have consumed too much emotional energy worrying about who likes me and who doesn't. I have appeared stuck up because I was so afraid I wouldn't be liked that I didn't let anyone get close enough to decide for themselves if I am a good person or not. I have made myself hard to know. I didn't mean to, it just happened.

To the people who really know me, who hang around me, I think you do like me -- otherwise why waste your time? So I thank you for not judging this book by my cover. It would have been easy to do. I thank you for seeing past my defenses and being patient for me. I'm mystified as to why you would but profoundly grateful that you did.

Wrestling with God

2006-03-10T13:14:00.000-06:00

It occurred to me this morning how far I've gotten from my old relationship with God. When I was constantly seeking him, attending church regularly, doing ministry stuff, really trying to walk the walk, well, it just seemed so hard. There was very little comfort there, just a nagging feeling that I could never be good enough. Read the Bible enough. Pray enough. Instead of feeling that I was worthy I felt more unworthy than ever. I never felt I was doing enough. I didn't read the right books, I didn't think the right way.

I put a little distance between myself and God last fall, I admit it. I couldn't focus on more than the crisis right in front of me. I didn't go to church. I still don't. I don't read my Bible at all. I don't set aside time to pray although I do pray for people when asked and I pray "on the fly", i.e. when things come to me. I do that in the car a lot. I feel more skeptical -- but not to the point of disbelief. It's more about the institution of religion and not about the players themselves -- God, Jesus, the Apostles. I miss having a church but my old church doesn't feel like home any more and I don't know how to find someplace new.

I used to wonder what God thought of me in His heaven. Now I just wonder if He thinks of me at all.

Having a relationship with a Diety is hard. It's not like you can just call up and say, "Hey God it's me. We haven't talked in a while but I was thinking about you and wondered if we could just get together. I'd like your opinion on some things and well, I just missed you." Yeah, God's never on the other end of the phone. But I don't worry very much. It may be stupid and arrogant of me but I believe that I will be renewed in my relationship with Him at some point. I believe this is inevitible. I don't want to have to turn to Him in another crisis though because getting through a crisis is hard enough without feeling as though you've been abandoned by the One who put you here. And yeah, I've read that "Footprints in the Sand" poem too. But there's what I know and how I feel and sometimes they are not the same.

Anyway I take encouragement from the story about Jacob wrestling with God. They wrestled all night and God even dislocated his hip. But Jacob refused to quit until he got his blessing. So even though God and I are doing a little wrestling right now, I'm not letting go until I get blessed.

Photo courtesy of this website: The Brick Testament

the real me

2006-03-09T09:45:00.000-06:00

What? I didn't do it, whatever it is.

miscellaneous midweek mishmash

2006-03-08T09:14:00.000-06:00

Too late for commenting on the Oscars I guess, although I liked the job that Jon Stewart did. I also love that Reese Witherspoon won and Philip Seymour Hoffman, too, although every time I see him I think "Dusty" from Twister so it's hard to take him seriously. Of course SHE was in not one but two "Legally Blonde" movies, so who's to say?

Well, weigh in day and down 12#. I wish that I felt it more, I'm in a constant state of surprise when I step on the scale and see it's gone down because I just don't feel it. I think my clothes do fit better and except for the below-waist jeans, nothing's falling off. Those below waist jeans are a bear by the way. I'm constantly hiking them up. I guess I need to dig out a belt.

So, other things to worry about. I think I've found some tile I like for the kitchen and in a totally non-related note, my hair is definitely falling out. This is nothing a 38 year old woman wants to face, by the way. But the old "Ignore it, it will go away" is not really appropriate here. Despite a year of Nioxin and tender loving care, it still is. Going away, that is. So next step will be to see a dermatologist, although I think it's fruitless, to be honest. I'm sure it's hereditary and the only answer is "tough luck". Guys are so lucky... they can just shave their heads these days and be sorta cool. But how many bald headed women do you see running around? Well there are a few but I think they may be in to some adult activities I'm not up for. That's a whole different enchilada. The easiest answer would be for falls to come back in to style. I used to have a blast with my mom's dark brown fall, I used to pin it in to my pixie cut and pretend I was a princess. My mother has a small collection of little hair enhancers now, less for style and more for necessity. Like my grandmother (the genetic culprit behind all this female hair loss) used to say, her head gets cold. Ah, it's not funny. But what else to do? Laugh or cry? I've already cried ...

So, jury duty went fine and quickly, thanks for that. A good thing too since I'm headed for San Diego in 2 weeks for another show and the work is backing up even as I waste time blogging. It's high season in the lawn & garden bidness so that means time to knuckle down.

And finally, there is rain in Kansas City.

consider yourself tagged

2006-03-03T13:41:00.000-06:00

I love memes. I think they're fun. But no one ever tags me, which makes me sad. :-(

So I picked this one up from Pound. I stole it. So there. If you're reading this, consider yourself tagged. I think there are only about 4 bloggers that will read this anyway so I expect to see this in your blog next I check, OK? OK.

By the way, 2 days after the official weigh in (Wednesday) the scale reads 159.8. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the first time I've seen the 150s in a year. I have to say... I feel great.

On to the meme:

Four jobs I have had:

Waitress in the cafe the Cat's parents owned. Had a regular clientele that included two sweet elderly ladies who came in to eat noon dinner every day. I had the salads and tea on the table before their butts hit the seat.
Assistant to the VP of Marketing for a carpet retailer. Yeah, it was as crappy as it sounds. Only worse. I shared an office with a leering 2-pack a day smoker and I had to work half a day on Saturdays for the whole first year. I quit after 15 months.
Field Marketing Manager for Hardee's. One of my favorite jobs: involved a lot of travel, cool marketing stuff and the odd free ticket to a sporting event. It was also the first time in my career I got a huge raise.
Camp Counselor. The happiest 3 summers of my life. Netted me an ex-husband and 2 wonderful friends.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

The Philadelphia Story. I want to be Tracy's best friend. That girl can party.
Love, Actually
Pride & Prejudice (The BBC version with Colin Firth. Sorry Kari, all others are just pretenders.) I have seen this movie so many times I am embarrassed to say how many. Because it's 6 hours. But it's a lot.
Tie between Fantasia and Lady & the Tramp. Happy childhood memories, ya know.

Four places I have lived:

Independence, MO
Columbia, MO
Roeland Park, KS
Lenexa, KS (I don't get around much)

Four TV shows I love:

LOST
Survivor
I used to love the old Wonderful World of Disney
I have to say I'm kinda getting hooked on Grey's Anatomy but I don't know who in the world would find Ellen Pompeo cute. She looks squinty and runty to me. I like George. I think it should be called George's Anatomy.

Four places I have vacationed:

Spain: unforgettable and bears repeating, the sooner the better
Oahu: like heaven
Boston: great seafood, lots of history. I highly recommend the Cape in the off season. It's great to have a whole beach to yourself -- except for a sea lion & a horseshoe crab.
Halifax, Nova Scotia: feels a little like the edge of civilization. Cold and wild and very stoic, but friendly. OK, I can't explain it. Just go there.

Four of my favorite dishes:

Pizza with lots of Canadian bacon, pepperoni, olives and mushrooms
Phad Thai
Home made macaroni & cheese made with Velveeta
Tortellini Gina

Four sites I visit daily:

weightwatchers.com
yahoo home
the blogs on my list---------->
here, because I'm pathetic and I keep hoping one day I'll pop on and have like 100 visits in a day

on a less frequent basis I visit eonline, nascar.com, epinions, postsecret and awfulplasticsurgery.com. I'm not so different from anyone else, really. Also stuff for work.

Four places I would rather be right now:

Hanauma Bay, snorkling
Riding a horse which is something I haven't done for a long time
at home on the couch reading a book
a great big museum or art gallery, like maybe the Louvre or the Smithsonian

and one more thing

2006-03-02T09:15:00.000-06:00

Lobster's rant about commercialized weight loss is just that, a rant. Bless him and his right to an opinion but here's mine: most commercialized weight loss is probably OK. I'm not a huge fan of Jenny Craig but you know how I feel about WW and there's evidence to support the notion that WW does indeed work. People do lose weight. Yes, sometimes they gain it back, not because the program failed but rather because they have failed to address the real stuff that goes on when they turn to food for comfort, happiness, depression, anger or for any reason other than hunger. They've dealt with the symptoms but don't always tackle the "disease".

We are a nation of people plagued by conflicting messages: be beautiful and thin and while you're doing it, grab a Snickers -- it satisfies. The great wave of lap band surgeries is even proving to be a failure, since many high profile LBers are now ... that's right right, say it with me, gaining the weight back. Even with those tiny, tiny stomachs and the risk of being horribly sick.

Lately I've noticed food companies doing some new things: taking the sugar and the trans fats out, adding fiber and going to whole grains. Even more shocking, a packaged goods company (Hey Kool-Aid!) made and advertised a low calorie product to children! Food companies are businesses, created to make money. Consumers drive demand and if we ask for these products and buy them then the Krafts of the world will make them. I never realized what an outrageous reliance we have on prepackaged foods until I tried to shop in Spain. We must be one of the few countries on the planet that doesn't believe in whole food any more. It's a shame really. Instead of exporting our food culture to the rest of the world we should be importing their eating habits. Their food tastes better.

When we get serious about our own weight loss and health and stop acting like it's a fad, the corporate world will too. The buck stops here.

Civic duty

2006-03-02T08:39:00.000-06:00

Much as I'd like to duck out, I got pulled for jury duty next week. Again. I swear I'm called for jury duty more than anyone else I know. I'm about to go pro.

And they've made it harder and harder to get out of it. I sat through a jury selection last time where this guy tried for 2 solid hours to get dismissed by giving the most obnoxious answers possible to every question the attorneys asked him. He claimed to be completely biased about everything, hate everyone and basically had no redeeming human qualities at all. After two hours everyone in the jury pool begged for them to dimiss him. Either that or we were going to have to drag him out behind the courthouse and kick his ass.

Well, while I'm sitting for hour upon hour at least I can read. Or play Bookworm or Text Twister on my pda. And try not to think about the work that's piling up while I'm doing my civic duty.

Is it wrong to pray that everyone plea bargains next week?

three tenths and a new stove

2006-03-01T08:36:00.000-06:00

That's all I got for ya this week, just a measly 3/10 of a pound.

Almost 2 months in to the process and down 10.6 pounds. I'd hoped it would be faster. But I'm not going to complain .. I haven't been a very good weight watcher. I've made some alarming mistakes on my tracker and I have been eating out a lot -- Chinese, Mongolian BBQ, Subway, Sweet Tomatoes, Taco Bell. Heck I started off last Wednesday (the beginning of my WW week) by consuming almost half my flex points in one day. So I'll take the 3/10 down. Better than 3/10 up, right? The twin set I'm wearing isn't stretched across my chest like a porn star, so that's a bonus. Last time I wore it it didn't ... quite ... fit.

On other fronts, does anyone want to renovate my kitchen? For free? I daydream about a lot of things and some do come true, some do not. I daydreamed about new houses for a long time -- now I've downgraded my daydreams to new cabinet fronts, appliances, a sink, new tile backsplash and a countertop. We have one of the world's oldest kitchens. OK, maybe not the world, but it's pretty aged. It's all original, from 1961. Except the floor, that's circa 1981. I've got appliances older than me.

I never thought stoves could be sexy, but someone just utter the words continuous grate, self cleaning oven, sealed burners, over the range microwave and man, I'm totally hot. But we have to do the taxes first which means a whole bunch of headache. And then we have to buy the appliances and the sink and stash them somewhere in our tiny little crackerbox. And figure out how to pay for it all. And then have a big mess, for like, a week. So the process just feels too big, too scary, too unwieldy.

Ah, new things to worry about. How I do love a problem to solve.

Miss Fix-it

2006-02-28T10:13:00.000-06:00

(image from artchixstudio.com)

I'm a Picture straightener.

I can't help it. I'm a compulsive miss fix-it and the only thing I really hate is the thing I can't fix.

I can't fix things that happened in the past.
I can't fix other people.
I can't fix the weather.
I can't fix other people's money problems.
I can't fix what God has decided will be otherwise.

But I want to. I want to wave my magic wand and make people whole and healthy. I want to sprinkle fairy dust and make my friend's daughter slender so she doesn't have to face a lifetime of weight issues. I want some extra strength fairy dust for my other friends' children, both special needs kids, both with uncertain futures. I want a pocket full of magic to make marriages healed and families whole and the places I used to love to feel like home again. I want a problem I can solve. I want everyone I love to want my love.

Just dub me Glinda the Witch of Good Intentions. The bubbly blonde with the broken wand. How does one survive in a world where problems just won't go away?

I guess I'll continue to pick away at the things I can fix. Like small time home repair. My weight. My lame pack a week smoking habit, which I am psyching myself up to stop, soon. After all this time I still forget that the only things I can truly fix are the things within me.

Fat girl vs. Skinny chick

2006-02-27T08:52:00.000-06:00

So I'm reading "Tales from the Scale" which is not really what I expected -- I expected more humor and less introspection. But it turns out to be a thought-provoking little tome about how women deal with a lifetime of weight problems. It's led me to do some thinking about my own inner fat girl and the skinny chick lurking around in there too -- because they do coexist, although badly.

The fat girl showed up in 7th grade. Special K had those "pinch an inch" commercials on TV and I reached down and, to my great dismay, grabbed at least an inch worth of flesh. I have no idea what I weighed then but things were already starting to go if only slightly, wrong. I get to thank puberty for that. I had always been a skinny kid but hormones changed everything. I also lived with a woman who had very serious weight issues and I had a lot of free access to pop and junk food. My skinny chick had always been able to eat anything and be a beanpole. But the fat girl demanded something different and a lot more of it.

In 8th grade I had my school picture taken and it was so awful I demanded they retake it. Over his vehement protests, the photographer took the picture again but it was no better. The truth was on film twice over. I looked pale, tired, bloated and unhappy. That year I had my last falling out with my stepmom and got moved to my mother's house. Living with my slender mother didn't help. My freshman year I was just over 5" and probably weighed 112 and thought I had become a complete cow. Each year of high school I tracked my weight: 116 my sophomore year, 121 my junior year and 131 my senior year. Not quite 5'4" and 131. I thought I was huge. Most of my friends were probably 10-15 pounds lighter. My mother called me porkchop if she caught me snacking after school. I knew I weighed more than she did: both my parents had weighed 118 when they married -- they were little people. I should have been too, but I was not. I had breasts. I had curves. I had a softness my mother didn't. I was zaftig. In my head, I was fat. But I still wanted food, so I snuck it. I bought the candy bars the cheerleaders were selling and ate them for breakfast. I bought girl scout cookies and hid them, polishing off a box of Thin Mints in 2 sittings. I ate spoonsful of peanut butter and cream cheese. I bought spreadable cheese my choir sold as a fundraiser and ate it plain because I didn't want my mom to see me with the crackers.

And so the rollercoaster began. College = pizza, booze and a five pound weight gain. Thankfully I had to walk a lot and I was broke all the time, otherwise it would have been much worse. My first year of marriage, my ex told me I'd feel so much better if I'd "just lose 10#". So I tried the "American Heart Association Diet". When that failed, I consulted a nutritionist and lost weight -- it was the last time I saw the 120s (16 years ago). After my first husband left, I didn't even think about the fact that I was back on the dating scene and carrying an extra 20 pounds. I knew when I slept with someone that the lights should be off so no one could see me but the inner skinny chick, still alive despite everything, told me that I didn't really look that bad. I never looked in mirrors. I ate canned soup and candy from the counter of the Hallmark store I worked in part-time at night and on weekends. I had Taco Bell if I could afford it. On special occasions, I treated myself to Velveeta Shells N' Cheese.

When T and I started dating I didn't own a scale. I remember standing on his and saying "if I hit 150 I'm wiring my mouth shut." After a very happy year and a half courtship, we married. I weighed 169 after our 18 month Dairy Queen dating ritual and when the pictures came back of me pre-ceremony, in sweats and in profile, I knew it was time I got serious. Enter Weight Watchers attempt #1. I lost 29 pounds in maybe 9 months and was thrilled but proceeded to put every pound right back on and add another 20 to it. Attempt number 2 (with many false starts in between) I lost nearly 50 pounds. I weighed 138 for about 3 minutes before I stopped weight-watching and piled it all back on. And this is how it's been for me. The fat girl says I'm not good enough and the skinny chick says I don't look all that bad. I don't look in mirrors, especially those 3 way kind where you can see your back. The back of my body from shoulders to knees is a problem. I don't listen to either one of them but they're whispering to me all the time.

Even when and if I ever reach 135# again, I won't be skinny. But I'll be good enough for middle aged. I'll still avoid looking at the rear view and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to squelch the skinny chick/fat girl debate going on in my head. The fat girl wants fed and the skinny chick wants to be pretty and in control. Unfortunately for me, they can't co-exist in peace. I will always miss the comfort of fudge, macaroni and cheese, meatloaf with mashed potatoes, pasta, pizza and warm chocolate chip cookies. Let';s face reality: cucumbers with hummus and high fiber granola bars will never replace the reassurance of the creamy, chewy fat-laden foods I love.

Nor can I separate the people I love from the foods I associate them with: Grandma Short and her lemon meringue pie and fried chicken, Grandma Skellenger and her blueberries and cream, raspberry milk and cinnamon toast. Even my mother-in-law with her pot roasts and homemade bread, my own mother and her unbelievable key lime pies. Dear sweet T, with his cream cheese pies and smoky ribs. I just know that there's more to love and relationships than food and the feelings it gives me. I've just got to learn how to relate to people without the food. I need to know how to celebrate without dinner and dessert. I need to know how to love someone without feeding them. I need peace with food. I need peace. I need food.

(Just not as much as I think.)

this Friday feels like Tuesday and I need a nap

2006-02-24T11:24:00.000-06:00

I'm totally discombobulated. Being out of town Sun-Wed has messed up my schedule and so at 11:29 a.m. Friday I feel like it's only Tuesday morning and I wish it was Saturday afternoon so I could go take a nap until I feel better.

Remember when you'd get real cranky as a little kid and you'd start being super unreasonable because the dog licked you in the face or your brother made fun of you and your mom would say "I think someone needs a nap"? Oh yeah, then I'd start wailing "I doooooo nooooot neeeeed a naaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!" With tears down my cheeks and snot starting to run. Well, if my mom appeared out of no where right next to me and said that now I'd cry from relief. "Thank you mama, I do need a nap". And I'd toddle off with my favorite soft bankie and do it.

Man, I hate PMS.

just me -- stirred not shaken

2006-02-23T13:16:00.000-06:00

A lot of stuff has happened in the last year or so and the latest thing, K's return to Lincoln, was a sudden, hard right that hurt almost more than anything I've ever experienced. It wasn't that she did -- a small part of me always believed she would. It's how it all came to happen that was such a smart slap in the face.

It's not the kind of hurt that heals quickly. If it hurts me this much I can't imagine what it's done to T but he's soldiering on in incredibly brave fashion and I think in some ways we're closer now than we were. I dream about the girls a lot now-- including a couple of vivid ones on this trip, made worse by that wierd disoriented feeling you have when you wake up in the middle of the night in a strange place. I dream of A regularly, on the road and at home. My dreams make me sad because the dreams are usually happy and I know it's just what I wish for and not what really is. I so wish she would call. I don't really expect she will.

On another topic, I managed to survive a 4 day trip out of town with my weight loss and my mind mostly intact. I have some seriously unattractive bruises from dropping boxes on myself, twisting my ankle in my cute boots and falling, and any number of other dumb human tricks I pulled these last 4 days. I never remember coming back from a trip feeling so beat up as I do this time. I am really out of shape. It was a good thing for all 3 of us that the trip was ending: I think we were all exhausted. Last night going from the convention center to the airport was stone silent, just watching the rain and the traffic and hoping against all hope we'd make the plane. It's good to work with friends who don't feel uncomfortable about the silences. Sometimes conversation just takes too much juice.

Anyway, home again. Back to some kind of normal work routine until a month from now when we head to San Diego for another show.

10 down

2006-02-23T10:29:00.000-06:00

Since Sunday I've been in Nashville working at a trade show and I just want to say YEAH!!! I did it! I managed to keep off the weight I lost late last week for a total so far of -10.1# lost since the first of January. I don't know if I'll see the 140s by May as I'd hoped but I know it will be close and keeping the weight off while everyone's throwing cookies and candy at you for three days is a big win in my book.

I'm so ecstatically happy. Also very busy so I'll come back and do a real post later. Happy Thursday everyone!

sad little loss

2006-02-15T10:21:00.000-06:00

The weight tracker up on top doesn't reflect fractions of pounds so it's rarely spot-on. I haven't quite lost 9#, more like 8.8. If you think that .2 pounds isn't important, that's all I lost this week.

I could have blown my nose really good and lost that much.

Losing weight isn't so bad if it's consistent but my losses have been all over the board and with a trade show to work Sun-Wed of next week I'm afraid the scale isn't going to be nice to me next Thursday when I finally make it home.

I am trying not to be sad. It's hard. It's a sad, lonely little .2# loss. It needed company.

Soon, soon, soon.

laser show

2006-02-13T10:31:00.000-06:00

Almost forgot to mention, for the curious few, the laser thing went fine on Friday. I had a venous lake removed, basically a big ugly blue vein on my lower lip, left hand side. It's not gone but is now more like a faint grey bruise. I'm assured that if it's not gone in a month I can return for another shot of laser beam to rid myself of this thing for good.

The procedure itself was relatively pain free, like having someone stick me with a pin about 15 times, hard enough to be uncomfortable but not enough to really hurt. Worth every penny and pinprick if it's really gone by March...

Short ruminations on Valentine's Day

2006-02-13T09:22:00.000-06:00

So is Valentine's Day a made up Hallmark holiday? An excuse for flower shops and restaurants to make a few extra bucks? There's a part of me that wants to remain above it all but then there's that other part that loves to have any reason to celebrate... Whether it's roses or a homemade card, I'm game for anything that comes my way and will just as enthusiastically search out the perfect expression of my own affection.

Valentine's Day has been celebrated since around 1400, the first commercial Valentine's greetings were popularized in the 1840s. I'm pretty sure that predates Hallmark and American Greetings so it seems that love expressions don't have to come with a red envelope and a $4.95 price tag. And who am I to buck 600 years of tradition anyway?

Beyond the horror of the classroom parties where you only got valentines because everyone had to give one to each kid in class, my Valentine's have been mostly good. I remember the Valentine's Days in high school sans boyfriend, when my girlfriends and I would comfort each other with dollar carnations sold by the student council. My best Valentine's Day, or at least the one I remember best, was a few years ago when T was on the road. I arrived home to find a bright red foil Russell Stover's box on the table. I was a little puzzled that the lid didn't seem to fit but figured he has snuck a piece. So I lifted the lid to find a black velvet ring box in the center and inside, a diamond cocktail ring (T is a big fan of Kay's holiday promotions. Bless the man who understands that jewelry is always appropriate!!)

So I will celebrate Valentine's Day with pleasure this year: I have a day to find a way to say "thanks" to the man who's put up with my butt for the last (almost) 13 years. It doesn't seem adequate but it will have to do for now.

oh yes, and ...

2006-02-08T11:54:00.000-06:00

Someone said "you look pretty today -- but then you always look pretty". Now see, that just makes my day. See how easily flattered my middle aged self is?

Goody goody foody

2006-02-08T11:07:00.000-06:00

I looked at my packed and carefully pre-planned breakfast and lunch this morning and realized that I have (gasp) started eating healthy again... and it's paying off... down 8.6 pounds in 5 weeks!

breakfast: fat free yogurt, Kashi chewy granola bar (which tastes a little like a piece of plywood), 4 points

lunch: Healthy Choice Chicken & pasta, cucumber with 2 tablespoons of garlic hummus, apple, 6.5 points

Dinner: probably a taco salad made with lettuce, 1/2 cup leftover chili, light sour cream, chopped onions, tomatoes, black olives, light queso dip and 13 Baked Tostitos. Also a light hot dog on a slice of light wheat bread. 9.5 points.

Snacks: a little weight watchers snack cake and maybe some sugar free Cheesecake pudding with fat free Cool Whip.

My Gosh, what happened to the Wendy's #1 combo with fries? Whither the pizza? The candy eaten with wild abandon?

Ah, well, looks like I can survive without that stuff after all.

God love America and our wretched excess!

2006-02-06T10:14:00.000-06:00

As we were leaving Sam's Club on Saturday with our world record most expensive cart o' stuff ever, I had a few moments to reflect on the absolute excess of club stores. 40# of dog food, 40# of charcoal, 2 big plastic buckets filled with Baked Cheetos, enough grape tomatoes to string and decorate a Christmas Tree, a box of Tide that will keep our recently reduced household in clean undies for the next 9 months. There was other stuff, too, more than I care to recall. And then we went to WalMart to do our "real" shopping. One might look at our house and think we're children of the depression the way we hoard certain items. When I compare my 3' x 3 1/2' multi-roll package of paper towels to the single roll packages I saw in Spain, I'm ... so ... embarrassed. And a little giddy.

In another show of over-the-top American consumerism, let us reflect for a moment on the chili-and-chip-eating, rooted-to-the couch pastime that is the Superbowl. Only in America would companies throw down several million dollars for 30 seconds of TV time that consists of a pretty woman with a heaving bosom snapping the straps of her tiny shirt and some old guy hyperventilating. I still have no idea what godaddy.com is and if their commercials aren't outright offensive they're really stupid. But I did really like whoever had the commercial where the guy works with monkeys (and his friend works with jackasses). I have no idea what that product was either. But in a stunning win earned by blending brand, humor and frequency -- my declared Superbowl winner is Budweiser. Loved most of their spots and especially the Clydesdale spots (little one pulling the wagon and the football game/streaker spot). Bravo! Runner up? Disney World -- again with the frequency thing and the charming idea of the players rehearsing for their big moment in the spotlight. Makes me wonder why I'm not going to Disney World...

So now that we've snapped out of our food and football induced comas it can only mean one thing .... Speed Weeks. Ahhhh. More American excess, this time represented by big, loud, fast, fuel guzzling cars and sponsorships by beer, liquor and Little Debbies. Long live the USA!

One month update

2006-02-01T17:04:00.000-06:00

One month since I restarted Weight Watchers - one month of obsessively tracking and planning and praying for the scale to budge. Freaking scale, what a tease. One time 164.3. The next time 165.6. The 165.5. OK so maybe I shouldn't just stand there, hopping on, hopping off, running to pee, hopping on again, making sure my hair is totally dry, taking my glasses off. Maybe I've gotten a little wierd on that count. This is nothing new, the wierdness.

But really, really, I have lost 6.1 pounds this month. It's not exactly like I got dealt a Blackjack or anything, but it's a solid "19" and I feel good about it. 6 pounds per month and by May I'll be 147 pounds again... and if I can hang in a little longer, by July I could be in the 130s. Unthinkable. Yet .... doable.

So, I feel good. My clothes still don't fit but underneath my winter fat, I'm a butterfly...

College Bands

2006-02-01T12:11:00.000-06:00

I wasn't much of a music connoisseur in college -- I actually missed the ultimate college band -- REM-- all together since I was dating a guy whose tastes tended toward Wynton Marsalis, Spyro Gyra and Mannheim Steamroller. I guess I listened to what he listened to. But my junior year I started dating another guy who loved rock and knew a little something about the local talent. Through him I was introduced to Melissa Etheridge (when she had just released her first album and was still a "local" act) and the Rainmakers.

I thought about the Rainmakers today because the lyrics to a song called "Small Circles" just sort of came in to my head. The lyrics don't directly pertain to me but the idea of the song is how my life feels right now -- just moving in small circles, just sort of killing time until issues get resolved and things can move on. Small circles aren't productive but they're sort of comforting. So is thinking of old memories and listening to old songs that help me remember happier times. I guess that's why we still love our college bands, even after we've grown up.

Small Circles - The Rainmakers
She reached out, and twist my hand
And made me dance to some local band
But the beat was slow, so there we stand
As we move in small circles

We cut out before the night was through
Start my car and we drove the Loop
Talked about the things we were going through
As we move in small circles
We move in small circles

She said she didn't know the ways of love
I said "Neither do I; I thought you'd show me some"
We dilly-dallied like that for 6 or 8 months
As we move in small circles

A couple of times she stayed with me
And we worked it out on a single sheet
I can hear every painful squeak
As we move in small circles
We move in small circles

And she grew up, and I grew up
And she got tough, and I got tough
So much for love, so much for love
As we move in small circles

Now we make money, and we're all right
And we drive cars and wield our might
We make love to people that we don't even like
As we move in small circles
We move in small circles

And I don't even think about her now
I just said all this to be workin' my mouth
I wish I cared, but I don't know how
As we move in small circles
We move in small circles
We move in small circles
We move in small circles

Grouchy Poetry Day

2006-01-30T09:56:00.000-06:00

Be warned: it's grouchy poetry day. My poetry isn't especially good when I'm in a happy mood. But mix one part Monday, 5 hours of sleep, PMS and cold feet and what you get is even worse than usual...

------------------------------------------
It's hard to go around the next corner
when each turn seems to take me
further away from where I want to be.

I thought you were right behind me
but somehow you got ahead
and now you're completely out of sight.

If you are going to keep on lying to me
stick the blade straight in and twist
fast so dying comes before I can think.

Stop, I want to get off

2006-01-27T16:50:00.000-06:00

If my life was "The Zipper" I would say this ride is dumb. It is like I waited in line forever, all hyped up on adrenaline and caramel apples with chocolate drizzles and extra pecans -- only to throw it all up 45 seconds in. Now I have to finish the stupid ride all gross and icky and sick.

If life was a rollercoaster I would say it's too damn rough. It looked fun from the ground but when I actually get on it whips my neck and makes my butt hurt.

My life is artificial trying to be real. It's a sunburn on a high humidity day when all you wanted was to have some fun but somehow, everything's gone wrong.

I keep hoping that if I just hang in there I will get to enjoy the cool of the evening, holding hands with my love and maybe, just maybe, some fireworks and a deep sleep with wonderful dreams.

blogger as metaphor for life

2006-01-25T15:53:00.000-06:00

About once or twice a year I get to messing around with my template while doing something simple (like a hedgehog weight tracker) and I lose all my formatting for blogger.

Lately I've gotten a little smarter and figured out how to save most of the good stuff and patch everything together quickly.

This is my life. Screw up. Fix. Start Over. Screw up. Fix. Start Over.

You have the right to ... oh, nevermind

2006-01-24T11:46:00.000-06:00

I am very interested in the anti-smoking employment policies being instituted at many companies -- basically if you smoke anywhere, any time, you can be fired. Companies such as Weyco, Investors Property Management Inc., Schweitzer Engineering Laboratories and most notably, Scotts Miracle Grow have instituted "smoke and be fired" policies for all their employees.

Other companies refuse to hire smokers and a few have had these policies in the past and quietly dropped them: CNN, for instance.

I could go on and on about what an incredible infringement on our personal rights this policy is. About how if they say you can't smoke, what about drinking? Overeating? Skydiving? Having sex with the scary girl you picked up in a bar the night before? I could but I won't. Because here's the thing. If you're in a state that is employment at-will (and most are) you can be fired for holding your tongue wrong while using a yo-yo. Or any other stupid thing, so long as there isn't a statute that says it's illegal (like gender, age, religion, ethnicity). People can and do get fired for being too fat. People can and do get fired for buying a competitive product.

So just assume that you have no work rights.

That is my soap-box for today. Thank you.

PSA

2006-01-23T09:10:00.000-06:00

Folks on the weight watchers boards are fond of posts that have the heading "PSA". It's what they do when they just want to rant a little bit about something that has really bothered them. I don't want to rant and rave or cry or anything. I'm tired of the sound of my own voice. I just want to say today I feel a little fragile. Be gentle with me please.

Aqualung (aka Matt Hales) said it best:

This is not the time to wonder why
Just let the heart and mind
Be still for just some time
This is the time for the rest
Just let it go
You know its for the best
If you're fragile,and if you're delicate
Take my hand but be gentle with me please

Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please

This is not the time to compromise
if you're feeling it too
Then you've realised
This is the time for a change
Yes you know it's true
Deep down within you
If you're fragile,and if you're delicate
Take my hand but be gentle with me please

Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please
Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please
But be gentle with me please
If you're fragile,and if you're delicate
Take my hand but be gentle with me please
Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please
Let the river flow
Washing over me
for a while
But be gentle with me please
be gentle with me please
be gentle with me please
be gentle with me please

Is it just me?

2006-01-20T08:51:00.000-06:00

Or does January seem like the longest month of the year? Dear Lord when will it ever end?

I hate January with a passion usually reserved for the DMV and the dentist's chair. This one has been very mild but today when I got in the car it was dark, gloomy, drizzly, nasty and all together the kind of day where I'd like to go lay on the couch and watch bad Lifetime movies. It's supposed to snow later on.

I'm thinking of making it a Blockbuster weekend. I'm thinking I'd like to eat everything in sight. I'm also thinking that K's P.E. teacher is a sadist who enjoys punishing his students. She showed me the exercises they do in class and 3 days later I still hurt.

I'm thinking I need to quit goofing around and get some work done so maybe this day -- and the 11 left in this month -- will go a little faster. I'm ready for spring.

House of Geriatric Pets

2006-01-19T14:03:00.000-06:00

I have a neighbor that used to be quite a collector of aged animals. She had, at one time, 2 antique poodles, an 18 year old deaf and blind cat and another dog in the backyard that was well past his prime. Since then I think all of her critters have died, to be replaced by other, presumably younger, models.

I think I've taken her place.

It is a sad fact of life that Abby the famous D-O-G (famous because she appears in the EMT Spray packaging at the top) can no longer make the "big loop" around our neighborhood without showing a very pronounced limp. T and I realized last night that her days of long walks with mom and dad are, indeed, finally over. My poor girl. We have grown older and fatter together, unfortunately her more so than I. This same gimp also affects Dusty, or Fatboy, as we like to call him around home. His jumper doesn't quite jump and he's got a definite hitch in his giddyup. KC, the oldest of the batch, still hops around like the superfit feline she is (even with questionable kidneys) and Penny, the baby of the bunch, hasn't slowed down at all.

The "people ages" of the critters in my household:
KC (cat): 73
Abby (dog): 70
Dusty (cat): 63
Penny (dog): 55-60

I'm the like the Denny's of animal care. The only sobering thought is that I fear that they will all go at once... except for Penny who will live forever, unless she sneaks out the gate and is flattened by a UPS truck. (She hates UPS trucks). I am afloat in a sea of Senior formula dog and cat food, treats for grungy teeth and glucosamine. But I am completely surrounded by furry soldiers of love, my aging but dedicated army of bodyguards. Lucky me.

what I had for lunch

2006-01-17T15:02:00.000-06:00

There's something weirdly empowering about eating a predator for lunch.

I had a business lunch at my favorite Spanish restaurant and the fish special was Mako Shark.

Cool.

Having eaten Morcilla in Murcia (hahahaha!) I now feel emboldened to eat all kinds of new unusual stuff. It was good shark too, very mild and firm. Plus, it was SHARK. How cool is that?

On a completely unrelated note (and maybe TMI but it's my blog and I'll be strange if I want to), I have decided to go "under the knife" or should that be "under the laser" to have a venous lake removed from my lower lip. This is a disturbing blue vein that grew on my lip basically overnight some years ago. I have been very nervous about having anyone do stuff with needles or lasers near my face but after having a chat with a cosmetic surgery place it turns out that it's no big whoop and won't even require a numbing cream. Just a few zaps and $50 and I never have to have anyone ask me again if I've been chewing on a blue ink pen. Yay.

OK, maybe I'm feeling a little goofy today....

The cleaning lady

2006-01-16T12:15:00.000-06:00

I had a cleaning lady a few years ago when I was in graduate school and working full time -- I had simply run out of time to do all of the things I needed to do. For $50 (she was inexpensive and my house was small) it seemed like a bargain to have someone come and scrub the floors and chase my dust bunnies. Also our cleaning lady was a friend and the wife of a church elder. For $50 she cleaned: for free she prayed and blessed while she did it.

On the flip side, I have been someone else's cleaning lady -- although mostly just empty rental property and the occasional helping hand for a friend. Cleaning houses is very hard and surprisingly intimate. There's no way you can scrub someone's kitchens and bathrooms and bedrooms and not know them in a very personal way. You learn their habits, their weaknesses, their likes and dislikes, the books they read, the foods they eat. You see but you try not to. It's like overhearing a confession or reading a diary. Your cleaning lady knows you in ways you probably don't want to think about, believe me.

One pretty fall day I spent a significant portion of my morning on my hands and knees scrubbing floors. It took a long time and it involved some not insignificant physical pain, as my softy office knees aren't used to that sort of business. After finishing, I stood up, bloody-knuckled, flushed and sweaty, pfff-ed the stray hair off my face and bragged to my mother (who is a cleaning lady full time and then some and had been cleaning circles around me all morning) about how beautiful it was. She said, "Yes, I do that every week. It's the only way to get a really clean floor." Well, the idea of my 59 year old rheumatoid arthritic mother on her hands and knees scrubbing floors really popped my bubble. I hated to think about her doing that and at the same time I realized that I really hadn't done anything special myself.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't pity her... but I really respect her. Mom is usually happy cleaning and has augmented her earnings or made her living for 40 years by straightening up someone's mess. I understand why she likes it-- I do too. I like the pop of a fresh sheet as I make the bed, the faint smell of bleach on my hands. I like the order and comfort of a clean room. It doesn't have to be antiseptically clean, just ordinary clean and clutter free. If I've done something really big like a basement or garage I'll sometimes go in to that room again and again just to enjoy the difference between before and after. In my own house I light scented candles in each room as I finish it... I don't know why, other than it's just part of my ritual.

There is one difference between me and a real cleaning lady though. I choose to do it -- I don't need to pay my bills this way. If I had to do it day in and day out to put food on the table I'm sure I would feel differently. I never see a cleaning person without thinking of my mother and my own reddened knees and raw hands from scrubbing floors. To this day, I always smile and say hello to the office cleaning people, the hotel cleaning staff, the people spraying sanitizer in the public restrooms and scooping paper off the tables in the food court. They work hard and they keep many secrets. They clean up my mess and then they go home to do it all over in their own homes. The least they deserve is my appreciation and my respect.

playlist part 2

2006-01-13T15:32:00.000-06:00

Well, I haven't figured out how to burn the cd's yet but I downloaded some stuff for my mixes:

Time to Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman
Copperline - James Taylor
Don'cha - Pussycat Dolls/Busta Rhymes
What You Waitin' For - Gwen Stefani
Soft Place to Fall - Allison Moorer
Come A Little Closer - Dierks Bentley
Love Is Here to Stay - Harry Connick Jr.
Take Your Mama Out - Scissor Sisters
Little Miss Can't Be Wrong - Spin Doctors
Only Happy When It Rains - Garbage
If She Knew What She Wants - Bangles
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
I Melt With You - Modern English
Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction
Clocks - Coldplay
Who'll Stop the Rain - CCR
Twenty Years and Two Husbands Ago - LeeAnn Womack
Rain King - Counting Crows
Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles
Pictures of You - The Cure
Where It's At - Beck
Groove is in the Heart - Dee-Lite
Down on the Corner - CCR
Tim McGraw - Just to See You Smile
Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley/Alison Krauss
It Ain't Me Babe - Joaquin Phoenix/Reese Witherspoon
The Dance - Garth Brooks
Freedom 90- George Michael
Hey Ya - OutKast

I grabbed the wrong Alanis Morrissette, which bums me out, but I'll fix it later. I'm still trying to figure out why Nero won't burn the cd right. Like all technology, I never read the instructions, I just get in there and push some buttons and stuff and see what happens. In the meantime I can listen to my playlist from Windows Media Player and the one working (tinny) speaker I have. Nothing like chair dancing to the Pussycat Dolls while writing catalog copy....

mix mania

2006-01-11T17:16:00.000-06:00

I'm all in to the college era mix "tape" (OK it's a cd) at the moment. It's really just a poor substitute for the iPod I wanted but decided I shouldn't buy. So I made one CD which I am very satisfied with and am choosing songs for another.

cd #1

Aqualung - Brighter than Sunshine
Ben Folds - Landed
Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter
Coldplay - Speed of Sound
Duran Duran - Ordinary World
Elton John - Tiny Dancer
Foo Fighters - Best of You
Josh Groban - Remember When it Rained
Kelly Clarkson - Miss Independent
Lee Ann Womack - I May Hate Myself in the Morning
Los Lonely Boys - Heaven
Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get it Started
Tim McGraw - She's My Kind of Rain
Joaquin Phoenix - Get Rhythm (from "Walk the Line")

so cd #2 and 2 1/2 might include:

Alanis Morrissette - Thank You
CCR- Who'll Stop the Rain
CCR - Down on the Corner
Counting Crows - The Rain King
The Cure - Pictures of You (thanks Kodak commercial)
Beck - Where It's At
Brad Paisley (w/ Alison Krauss) - Whiskey Lullaby
Lee Ann Womack - 20 Years and 2 Husbands Ago
Gwen Stefani - What are You Waiting For
Outkast - Hey Ya
Pussycat Dolls - that girlfriend song, I can't remember the title
James Taylor - Copperline
couple more Tim McGraw

I dunno, there's a few more but I can't remember what I picked and I can't look at it right now. I'm just looking for more suggestions 'cause there's a thousand songs I like but I can't ever remember who sings them or if I do, what the title was.

What are some of your favorite songs for a mix cd?

motivation

2006-01-10T11:31:00.000-06:00

It's official. My life has passed into the pleasant state of "too boring to blog about". And I don't like starting a bunch of crap about politics or religion -- the only blogs out there more boring than mine are the ones who rattle on about Bush. Waaaah. Move to Cuba.

So I can only blog about my "diet". Sorry.

The WW thing is going surprisingly well. I wish I knew what this mysterious source of "motivation" is that causes me to up-n-make up my mind to lose the weight. I've done it twice already, which means I am disciplined enough but also a little bit stupid since I lose all the weight and then gain it back. And it isn't just a one-off orgy at Sheridan's that does it. It's a persistent but unrealistic belief that I can eat whatever I want, whenever the mood strikes me. And never exercise.

Mostly I think my motivation is coming from a deep degree of self-loathing for the way I look and owning a closetful of pants I can't wear. I should be forced to shop and try things on in a 3-way mirror every day until I get back to 135#.

I could say my motivation is all about how I want to get healthy and live a clean life -- but that's not it either, although I do find that I'm in such awful shape that certain things are becoming harder. This weekend I was trying to help T carry out our smoker, which is a monster stainless cabinet cooker that weighs maybe 125#. I tried to step down while walking backwards out of the garage, turned my ankle and went down like a punch-drunk prize fighter. I'm no longer allowed to walk backwards while carrying stuff, which, while it shouldn't, does in fact make me mad. And I swear that thing is getting heavier every time we put it back in the garage.

It's hard to admit I've got a problem. A food problem. I love it and it loves me, as evidenced by the fact that it stays with me long after I've consumed it. I have an unhealthy attitude about food and how it makes me feel, which is "better", that is, until I've eaten. I dream of all things salty, creamy, cheesy and chocolatey. Also crunchy and chewy. I'm making my own mouth water just writing all this down. Food IS my drug. Yet I still feel the motivation -- the drive to get the weight off. To feel the way I felt when I could suck in real hard and actually see my ribcage. To walk around in a pair of baggy jeans and have some people tell me my britches are too big and I should go buy something that fits. Ha! What an awesome thing to hear! That's a pretty good source of motivation, come to think of it. But no, I think the real source of my motivation is the perverse need to prove myself right. I said I'd lose the weight -- I said it aloud to someone who doesn't live in my house. If I don't do it, why then I'd be wrong. Can't have that! So, must lose. Must be right.

Wherever it comes from, I'm glad I've got it back.

And even so, I'm still thinking how good cannoli sounds.

silliness

2006-01-06T17:13:00.000-06:00

make your own South Park character

hope everyone has a good weekend. All 2 of you.

so much for not being obsessed

2006-01-05T12:11:00.000-06:00

Third day on plan. Food I haven't eaten:

french fries
whatever food was in the kitchen at work (pannettone I think)
cheese, croutons and more dressing on my salad
a second slice of T's meatloaf
Russell Stover's chocolates

Food I have eaten:
T's very good meatloaf
one chocolate covered cherry
smoked trout
mock mashed "potatoes" made with cauliflower (yum)
dilled potatoes and carrots (also yum)

I regret now that I don't have the ability to go to a fitness center but maybe when they finish the new "Y" we'll get a family membership. I also regret that it takes so long to plan and track and that even after I said I would not get on the scale every day, I did it anyway. (for the record, I'm down .2!)

I went back to see how much weight I'd lost last time in the first 4 months and I was surprised to see it was about 18#. I could feel almost normal again if I could get there by our trade show in Vegas, which is in May.

There is no way I can do this and not be completely obsessed by it. This is going to be a seriously dull blog.

But I really want to get the weight off ... and when I do I'm buying something from here.

Poetry in the Everyday

waiting room

update to no one

Freshwater Mermaid Dreams

Know what?

Yes, Nintendo, may I have another?

snow and wind farms and crochet and Minnesota drivers

last of the archived posts

September 4, 2007

almost done archiving old posts...

September 7, 2007

September 10, 2007

September 17, 2007

September 17, 2007

September 15, 2007

READ the NUMBERS!!

last of the old posts

OK, there were actually 5 and this is #4

old post #2

copied over from a defunct blog

Well, I don't know how it will go, but

last 25 of my hundred things

Where ya been?

75/100

From 43 Things - meeting the goal of "Have More Fun"

Still here

have you?

Thanksgiving Interrupted

cousins redux

Goodbye Linda

ology

Survivor 13 and the possibility of closing the doors

erosion

catch a ride on my train of thought

Liking yourself

BBQ 2 - 3

BBQ competition # 2 - from 43 Things

Don't look now...

lifted from wdysgrl

in and out

Where you been?

from 43 Things

Windfall and BBQ

Blog entries that were never born

I quit

Back again ... and gone

There is no stepmother's day

Viva

Happy May Day

United 93

Dear Blackberry Guy...

The perfect job

Friday afternoon again

The end of the week

The end of the day

Spring comes

Inside my Head

it's a new week

don't feel like it

The Big Show

Outside my window

Spring and a Plane Ride

Oooh Sephora, what are you doing to me?

oooof

coff*coff*coff

do you know me? a love letter to my true friends

Wrestling with God

the real me

miscellaneous midweek mishmash

consider yourself tagged

and one more thing

Civic duty

three tenths and a new stove

Miss Fix-it

Fat girl vs. Skinny chick

this Friday feels like Tuesday and I need a nap

just me -- stirred not shaken

10 down

sad little loss

laser show

coffcoffcoff